AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

Is silent treatment abusive? How? If I’m pissed off with someone I’d ignore them
for a while so I didn’t say something I’d regret later! Seems very OTT and offensive to people genuinely suffering abuse.
some people really need to get a grip on reality

I understand why he is upset. It signals how you feel about his children and that you don't see them as part of your family.

This. You could have said something more vague like it would depend on your situation at the time etc. Can't think of anything worse than kids losing both parents and then having to start afresh with a new family and being separated from their half siblings. Personally I would do anything possible to avoid that happening.

I'm at a loss how children you have with you 50% of the time you wouldn't automatically offer them a home. It should be their home not just yours

But then if I split I also be happy to offer them to come and stay when they want.

If they chose not, that would be ok because it would be their choice.

You have basically told your DH you don't like or really feel much affection for his kids or consider the "home" they spend 50% of their lives at their home. Would kill a relationship dead in his shoes.

These are the kind of scenarios you discuss when you’re writing wills, etc - have you and your husband not done this, OP?
One way to start thinking about it is what level of involvement you would have in the event that your husband died first - presumably you would at least want to maintain some relationship for the siblings?

I would be utterly devastated if my partner said this to me, he’s been in our lives since DS was three years old, he parents just the same as he does our children together. I would hope that he’d want to keep our children together and he has expressed many times that he loves them all equally. I’d reconsider my relationship in all honesty if he said what you said to your DH

it should be their home not just yours

I think this is a bit simplistic surely? Because it wouldn't just be expecting me to give them a home to live in, it would be everything that comes with sole parenting, financially, emotionally, practically etc.. for two additional children whilst being a single parent to my own children as well. Its not just as simple as them living with me. It's not a conversation you can just spring on someone randomly imo.

I voted YABU because it’s not a trivial matter. It was Trivialised in the way it was discussed/handled but your DH response suggests a bigger conversation needs to be had, rather than just telling him he’s being silly.

Also, whilst I wholeheartedly agree that it shouldn’t be your ‘responsibility’ or assumed you would take that role, you do have children together who are their step siblings, they stay with you 50% of the time so it is their home… Your not taking them on would mean that, aswell as losing both parents, they would also be losing their home and would see their step siblings a lot less. YABU to not approach this with more consideration.

Dying is not 'so unlikely' to happen, as anyone could die at anytime. Death is a given. However, it's still a hypothetical situation at the moment.

I understand how he feels. I also understand why you'd feel the way you do. If you can't handle more children, you can't handle them and it would be best for someone else who can to take good care of them than for you to do a terrible job of it.

I'm genuinely silent when a relationship is over and I have nothing left to say.

Silence is abusive if it is a tactic to remove a person's ability to make their own choices.

It's a very fine line

rather than just telling him he’s being silly.

I think he's being silly for refusing to talk to me over it. How are we meant to have a 'bigger conversation' when he's giving me the silent treatment over a pretty serious hypothetical situation he sprung on me out of no where.

@GroundFogDay he has a right to feel how he feels but giving you the silent treatment is an unhealthy and toxic way of tackling arguments and it is this you should really be focused on.

I'd also remind, Mr Huffy Erse that legally, you have no rights to his children in the event both parents are deceased. You have not adopted them nor do you have legal guardianship. So his hypothetical situation doesn't turn out the way he wants anyway.

Have a talk and get to the bottom of why he is really butthurt. Does he think you don't care about his kids? Does he want more from you in some way? Encourage a conversation and shut down the childish silent treatment now before he gets into the bad habit of using silence to punish you (thereby making you crawl to him to get him to talk again).

You should also try harder at being a blended family. The SDC's don't have to call you mum but you should at least try to view them as partly yours because they came as a package deal with their father...

Yes it should be a conversation

BUT

You should have had the conversation before you married the man or starting living in a home with 2 dependent children 50% of the time.

Perhaps he’s genuinely hurt and shocked. For you, it was hypothetical and a lighthearted conversation… but it’s one that he’s come out of realising that you perhaps don’t feel the way about his DC as he thought you did. That’s a BIG deal, and a deal breaker for many people… I’ve seen many women on here complaining that their partner doesn’t treat their DSD/DSS the same as their own children… they’re invariably told to LTB and put their children first. This is the situation you’ve forced your DH to consider and I can see why he’d be silent rather than say something in the midst of the hurt and shock he’s no doubt feeling.

YANBU. You are looking out for your DSC best interests by being honest. They would be better with their grandparents etc and you feel that is where the support etc for them would be, especially if (in this scenario) you were having to cope with your partners death and the effect this would have on your children too. I’m sure if there were no living relatives at all on either side, your response may have been different.

it’s a lazy way for your partner to not have to think about it any further, because you would just pick up the pieces of all these children’s shattered lives when he died. Maybe he should think further about what could happen if he was to die, how this would affect both your and his ex’s children, what care/financial & emotional support for both families left behind.

I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

Making it all about you and not the two children who have lost both their parents was a bit of a mistake unless said as a dry joke in the middle of a jokey conversation - it would have made more sense to say there were many factors that would need to be considered depending on when it happened, the ages/stages of the kids at the time, and also listening to where do the kids WANT to live.

Sounds like the question and the reply was more serious and unfortunately once said difficult to take back. Now you have made your position clear he really should speak to a solicitor to see how he can protect his children's interests in the event of his death.

You're being staggeringly unreasonable. Don't marry a man who already has young children unless you are prepared to fully accept parental responsibility when they are in your care. To me that would mean, if both biological parents died, then the SDC would live with me and their half siblings. If you didn't want more than two children, don't marry a man who already has young kids. It's a responsibility. I am staggered by how often on MN stepmothers appear to think they have no parental duty to their SDC. The clue is in the name: stepmother not step-daddy's-new-spouse.

I think YAB a bit U. I'd be devastated to think that if I died and my ex died, DS would no longer live at all with his sister AND lose both of his homes (mine and his Dad's) if DP refused to take him on. It'd be such a huge blow to his stability on top of losing both his parents.

I'm pretty sure DP would have DS just from similar hypothetical conversations but in reality I suspect DS would spend time with my parents and some time with DP. DP and DS don't currently have a father/son relationship at all (just because DS already has a dad he sees often) but obviously that would have to change a little and I'm sure they'd muddle through.

Looks to me like the life insurance benefits will be going to his kids rather than OP!

This.

It's not so much what you would do in the future, it's how you view his children that live with you 50% of the time, now.

The lack of internal or moral struggle with the decision would deeply concern me also. You sound cold and brutal in how quickly you reached the conclusion that you would not care for them. The issue is not the hypothetical nature of the scenario, it is that your answer truly showcases your character. And to be honest, you do not come across well at all. I am with your DH here.

I don't think YABU at all. I would never have expected my DP to look after my DC if I died and their father died. I wouldn't have wanted it actually.

Yes exactly this

It would depend on the logistics and the order they died.

If Ex died first, DSC would be living with you and DH full time. He's maybe thinking like that and it would be more normal that they stayed where they are.

If DH died first, you'd see a lot less of them and Exs family is the obvious choice.

So you’re happy presumably for your DP to parent your child while you’re alive but somehow don’t think it would be appropriate if you died? So why are you allowing him to do it when you’re alive? What makes him unsuitable in your absence to fulfil the same role?