AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

I totally understand your feelings.

However if the conversation came up I would have just said I would still have them 50/50, or full time, to save any hurt.

It's so unlikely to happen anyway, and even if it did, and it was in his will, it doesn't mean you're legally obliged to take them.

It's one of those hypothetical scenarios that you just say whatever the other person wants to hear to make them feel secure imo, like "would you still love me if I turned into a worm" - "of course I would darling".

apologies @dietcokelime I replied to your post above, but my reply was actually in response to someone else's. Duh!

apologies @dietcokelime I replied to your post above, but my reply was actually in response to someone else's. Duh!

The correct answer would have been "of course I would be happy to have them full time, but I would also ask the children what they wanted, and if they'd perhaps prefer to live with/share custody with grandparents..."

You've basically just told him you only tolerate having his children 50% of the time and if he died you wouldn't bother with them!

I think I'd consider leaving someone who thought that little of children from a previous relationship!

My step children have already lost their mum so they are fully in their fathers care. If something happened to him (his forbid!) I’d keep welcome them with open arms without a second thought. Isn’t that how it works when you blend a family?
if something happened to me and my child’s father (my child is with me full time) I’d be very upset if my partner said I didn’t want him. I’d go as far as saying it might be a deal breaker. My son and I come as a package as does my partner and his children.

I don't think you are wrong, I think the way you delivered the message was questionable!
Why didn't you just say you hadn't really thought about it and wanted some time to mull it over?
Then hopefully the conversation moves on and he forgets about it 😬

Ops original post said he had little fany, she had some, which to me read like there wasn't a specific close family member, just anyone who'd take them. And given its a def no, it isn't even a case of well if there was no immediate family then yes, it's just no so yes quite possibly random family or care.
Elderly parents may not have the physical capacity. Aunt might not have space. Would my sister in theory take on my 3 boys? Yes. But they live in a small 3 bed with two kids younger than my eldest. So they'd have a 7, 6, 3, 3 and 0 yo in a small 3 bed. Doable. In 10 years they'd be 17, 16, 13, 13 and 10. Less so. Other sister in a 2 bed with 1 6 yo daughter. MIL isn't physically fit enough to manage my 3 for more than a few hours. My M would do better but again in a decade she'd be 74 with a 13, 13 and 17 yo.

If DH nad I split and he has kids with another woman, of course they'd generally be better off with another "parent" in their 40s and siblings than any of the above scenarios.

But similarly, I wonder if her DH has thought about the hypothetical situation in which he would be expected to take on his step kids full time (if OP had DC from a previous relationship).

YANBU, I don't understand why pp's think you should be responsible for children who are not related to you when they, as you say, have loving grandparents. I would be the same in your situation but obviously see the kids to keep up a relationship with their step-siblings. I would like to think I could take on a 'fun auntie' role if the kids were still keen to see me.

Poor bloody step mums, expected to put everyone else first in every situation. I bet no one believes the DSC's mum's partner should take full responsibility if she died. Sexist fucking nonsense and stupid. Their grandparents would want them.

You do realise that quite often these situations arise quite suddenly?

I seriously can't fathom how you can't see why your husband is upset.

You marry someone, you take on their children as well.

I think maybe his reaction explains his feelings to that.

I can understand why he's upset, but also why you wouldn't want the responsibility of his children, if he and his ExW were to die.

I do think though you could've been a bit more diplomatic in your reply.

Why don't you talk to him and explain that firstly the chances of both him and ExW passing away in the next few years are very remote and secondly her family are likely to want to take care of them (and they would prefer) and thirdly, you said they are quite a bit older than your DC (you haven't answered several questions asking their age), so assuming they might be already in their teens, it won't be too many years before they're independant and the scenario won't materialise!

Probably yes I should have in hindsight, I was just a bit caught off guard by the question considering we were having a light hearted conversation seconds prior!

Do you both have wills and names guardians for your DC should the worst happen? This is really important stuff and I’d use this conversation as the start of that serious discussion about all of it. Once he’s stopped sulking 🙄

I’m quite amazed at the number of posters defending a man giving the OP the silent treatment, which is always condemned as abusive. It seems you being a step mum makes it acceptable. Typical.

We do have it written into our wills that if my DSC mum dies and we have them ft and then DH dies while they’re still under 18 I keep them. This was part of a calm and sensible conversation about money, children, property, arrangements for our shared DC. And that’s how adults do things, not with hypothetical tests which is pathetic.

@AdeIe maybe. Or maybe he hasn't thought of it from that perspective (given that this conversation seems to have arisen randomly).

Precisely.

I think yabu for not being willing to have them given they've clearly got a home at yours and siblings with your children..

I think yabvu to tell DH this given you think it's very unlikely, he's unlikely to go off and tell the kids, and you wouldn't have to see it through.

You'd rather hurt him than risk him thinking you would look after his kids.

Its actually not a silly hypothetical conversation that's upset him though is it? What's upset him is learning that your view of your relationship, role and feelings towards his children is very different from his.
Clearly he assumed that you had a higher level of feeling for them than you do, and is now having to adjust his perception.
This is actually a potentially very big deal for your relationship, so don't make the mistake of dismissing it as 'silly' and something that doesn't matter. At the least he will need time to adjust to his new knowledge of the reality.

@AnneLovesGilbert I don't think anyone's said the silent treatment is acceptable, just they understand why he's upset.

Do step parents get an equal say in parenting? Automatically get to go to assemblies and parents evening? Take the DC for haircuts? Tell them to tidy their rooms?

Or do they just take them on when it comes to paying for them and stepping up when the parents die but only on terms their parents agree to?

I can see why he’s upset. I’m in the process of setting up my will at the moment, with DP to take over guardianship of my DC should the worst happen, we aren’t even married. When the alternative is children going into care, it’s an important conversation to have.

How was this not discussed earlier, before you married? It seems to me it should have been discussed when Covid hit, too.

This is reall hypothetical as unliky DH and his ex would go together. If one died then presumably SC would live full time with the other parent. This would likely impact on who would take the children if the other were to die.

I HRTFT but my answer would might be dependent on the ages of the kids at the time, and if my partner had made provision for me in his will / life assurance arrangements.

I get it is hypothetical, but because you said ‘stay living with you’, I wondered if that meant they lived with you both rather than their mum. If they lived with you full time, and then the hypothetical situation happened, to then send them elsewhere after losing both parents would not be nice.