AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

If the children are close to their mum's parents, it might well be the case that those grandparents would want custody in such circumstances, as they are blood relatives and you are not. If your DH is concerned about this issue he needs to talk his children's mother about it

This is spot on

youre not wrong to feel the way you do (although yes you could have handled the question better), but he’s now realised you’re not on the same page he is. You don’t feel the same as he does, you don’t love the step kids “like your own” and if the worst happened, you’d not be there for them.

thats your right, but it’s bewildering that you can’t see this may be upsetting for him, and may actually change the foundations of your relationship. It’s not trivial.

No, he doesn't really parent them. And actually if I died, and their dad died, there is no way on earth my or his extended families would be happy for DP to have the DC.

In my will they go to XSIL if both he and I die.

Do you have shared kids? Would yo u want him to raise them alone? Just wondering if it's a "he's a shit parent" thing or something else?

Presumably you have a will? What happens if just your OH died? How would he be providing for his children? Would you have to sell your house or has provision been made for them in some other capacity?
Yes it’s unlikely both their parents would die at the same time but it’s a conversation you need to have. You must certainly have had the conversation if just he died. I suspect he’ll be reworking his will to make sure ALL his children are provided for in the event of his death knowing you wouldn’t take the kids.
It doesn’t make you wrong. But he needs to be practical and financially that will impact on you.

I'd be surprised at your answer if I were him, given that they are your children's half siblings. I think yabu but that conversation should have been had before marriage and children.

I would never expect my OH to take on my DS if both me and his Dad died why is it any different for a stepmother?

Sorry if I have missed this @GroundFogDay , but who owns the house? Surely if your partner owns, or partly owns the house you should accept that his children should have some right to live their.

I can’t imagine how upsetting this would feel for him. He considers you all to be a family and you’ve essentially told him that you don’t.

I’m really surprised that you don’t understand that.

If I were your husband it would definitely change my perspective of you and of our relationship.

You're both really foolish for having such a sensitive conversation in a jokey, hypothetical way.

Putting aside the startlingly unlikely option of your DH and his ex simultaneously spontaneously combusting, surely it depends on who dies first?

If your DH died first, the most logical outcome would be for the children to remain full-time with their other parent, who would make her own guardianship arrangements for them in the event of her death - presumably not involving her ex's widow who is not related to the children. Your role would be to promote/protect the sibling/half-sibling relationship as much as possible.

If the ex died first and the DC came to live with you and your DH full-time, I don't see how you could escape taking on more of a parental role. So I sort of agree with your DH that it would be fairly heartless to chuck them out of their full-time home if he died. What would you do if care was the only option?

Equally, though, I can see that if the situation was reversed, it's unlikely a child would remain with their "stepfather" in his home if their mother died rather than going to their mother's family.

So another case of double standards, I guess.

But if their DM was to die they would come and live with you and your DH. If your DH was then to die would it really be better to uproot them again.

It may be different if your DH were to pass first because they would then be living with their DM and their relationship with you would probably end.

So in my case, yes joined parents too, it’s not my OH’s responsibility. Obviously grandparents/aunties uncles could refuse, but I doubt they would.

Apart from this being a hypothetical scenario, it is also very unlikely that both the (divorced) parents would die at the same time - unless they frequently travel together?

So if his ex died, the sdc may move to live with you full time (still seing ex's family too). Then if your dh died sometime later, your view might be different since the dc and sdc were already part of a family living together.

And the other way round, if your dh died, the sdc would live with their mum, probably and become more integrated into her family. If ex died subsequently the sdc would be more likely to live the majority of the time with ex's family, and see their step siblings (your dc) sometimes.

YABU to not see why he’s upset or would be upset (you should also be pleased he sees it as the best option IYSWIM) BUT he’s being ridiculous to not to talking to you about it.

It isn't, some of us would expect our male partners to keep the kids together and let the step kids keep their home and him step up too.

That’s not true at all. It’d pass to his wife, OP. If the ex was still alive she could put in a claim to his estate to cover maintenance but she’s not in this scenario.

This is more realistic. If he wanted a serious discussion, he should have been prepared for one. It’s not something to raise casually.

I’d be upset if I was your DH. And would absolutely keep my DSD if I was asked to if both Mum and Dad died! But it depends on dynamics and relationships with the children and what would work for your family. It’s a bit of a weird conversation anyway and very unlikely to occur!

I think he now feels you aren't the good person he thought you we're. Even if it wouldn't work you have hypothetically rejected them. Its the fact he knows you don't want them....whether it would work or not.

But do they all have room and physical capability? My MIL is 69, my Mom 65. The boys are 7, 3 and 3. 10 years time there may well be dementia, Alzheimer's, high level care needs, death and then my teens would need to be moved again.
My two sisters, one in a small 3 bed with and 6 and 0 yo. One in a 2 bed with a 6 yo girl. They couldn't just go out and get a 4 or 5 bed house on a whim. DH bro lives a bit further out, doesn't know the boys well, and is in a 2 bed flat.

Your husband is being a bit U by springing this conversation on you as a hypothetical when having a casual conversation. When my husband and I discuss silly hypotheticals it's stuff like "if I turned blue would you still love me?", not very serious and real issues like this. So he was a berk to spring it on you like that I'd agree.

However I think the best thing to have done here was stop the conversation and say "Wait this is something serious that we actually need to discuss properly, not just as a jokey hypothetical". It's obviously important to him and I think your definitive and very blunt answer has thrown him. You probably need to sit down and hash this one out properly - for all you say it's a situation that would never happen, I actually know two people it HAS happened to (or something very similar). So you and he really need to talk, seriously, about where you both stand on this.

They have 2 homes: one with dad, one with mum. If both parents died, you’d honestly compound that by making them lose both homes too?

And what if the mum died first? Presumably they’d be living with you full time…. but then if their dad died you’d kick them out?

So why are you with him then? I struggle to understand anyone who would be with a partner who they wouldn’t be happy to play an active role in parenting their step child?

As a mum I would want my own kids to go up my family, not ex’s partner. So I don’t think UABU but obviously everyone’s situation is different. I expect he just wants to hear that you love his DC, would protect them & that you value time with them.