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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*trigger potential child abuse* stopped my DS going to his dad's tonight

256 replies

Snowdropseaaon · 13/04/2023 20:38

I know I'm not being unreasonable but posting here for traffic.

Today when we were in the car my son said to me "something odd happened last night" I said what's that. He said " I woke up this morning with no shorts on and I don't know how that happened, maybe I moved so much they came off"
He is 6 and still shares a bed with his dad which I haven't been happy about for a while. It could be nothing but his dad just gives me an uncomfortable feeling. When he says bye he smothers him and touches his bum and treats him like a baby. Other times when we have seen his dad in public or at school he whispers in his ear, it's just odd and weird.
There's a whole host of other stuff eg. Not giving him his inhalers, letting him play violent games and other stuff.
Do others think this is off? I've never stopped my son seeing his dad but tonight I haven't sent him.

My ex has gone mental at my saying he's going to drop all he'll and fury on me. Saying he has things he's been keeping about me that he is going to tell the court. That he's going to put everything and his life into court to get DS. So not to drip feed. I left ex when DS was 6 months old and went into a woman's refuge. He was abusive to me emotionally, financially. He was hideous and I was scared of him. Still am but much much stronger and aware of abuse now. Ex hates I have a voice and backbone now.
So I don't know what I should do with next steps really. I tried calling child services for advice but they don't open until 9am tomorrow morning.

OP posts:
Holycow23x · 13/04/2023 20:39

Do not let your child go with him. Inform the school and call child services first thing! I'm so sorry Op!

confusedallthetime1 · 13/04/2023 20:40

Trust your fucking gut!! Not giving him inhalers is bad enough but you do what you need to do to protect that little boy!!

LegallyFit · 13/04/2023 20:43

Just that incident alone, I would not read too much into it if it was me. Your son could have taken his own underwear off in the night. It wasn't necessarily his dad who did it and your son didn't say it was his dad either.

It's completely understandable you are worried and it's a parents natural instinct to think the worse but at this point, from what you have posted, there doesn't seem to be anything untoward (in the sense of what children's services would think was unacceptable).

Whatabouteverything · 13/04/2023 20:43

Please god let that boy not remember or know anything that may have happened to him. Call 101 now and discuss it, call everyone else tomorrow. Well done for keeping him safe.

Choconuttolata · 13/04/2023 20:45

Write down with the date and the time exactly what your DS told you and then call child services first thing in the morning. Do not ask him about it again or ask him questions about what happened just in case it changes what he might say to child services. Do not let him visit with his Dad until you have spoken to child services for advice. You are doing the right thing given the history of abuse towards you in the past to be cautious and protect your child.

Perpetuallyexhaustedtoddlermum · 13/04/2023 20:47

I second trusting your gut. I could understand if your DS shorts got twisted in his sleep and his dad fixed them for him while he was sleeping to make him more comfortable, but, for your DS to say something odd happened. I'd be taking action, especially considering the other issues like not giving DS his inhalers, as an asthmatic myself I know first hand how important it is to keep using your inhaler even though you may feel fine.

LegallyFit · 13/04/2023 20:47

I agree not giving him his inhalers is dangerous and I would be taking that further definitely.

peacocktail · 13/04/2023 20:48

You have done the right thing, stay strong. If ex has done something he will be panicking and very afraid right now.

Perpetuallyexhaustedtoddlermum · 13/04/2023 20:49

Snowdropseaaon · 13/04/2023 20:38

I know I'm not being unreasonable but posting here for traffic.

Today when we were in the car my son said to me "something odd happened last night" I said what's that. He said " I woke up this morning with no shorts on and I don't know how that happened, maybe I moved so much they came off"
He is 6 and still shares a bed with his dad which I haven't been happy about for a while. It could be nothing but his dad just gives me an uncomfortable feeling. When he says bye he smothers him and touches his bum and treats him like a baby. Other times when we have seen his dad in public or at school he whispers in his ear, it's just odd and weird.
There's a whole host of other stuff eg. Not giving him his inhalers, letting him play violent games and other stuff.
Do others think this is off? I've never stopped my son seeing his dad but tonight I haven't sent him.

My ex has gone mental at my saying he's going to drop all he'll and fury on me. Saying he has things he's been keeping about me that he is going to tell the court. That he's going to put everything and his life into court to get DS. So not to drip feed. I left ex when DS was 6 months old and went into a woman's refuge. He was abusive to me emotionally, financially. He was hideous and I was scared of him. Still am but much much stronger and aware of abuse now. Ex hates I have a voice and backbone now.
So I don't know what I should do with next steps really. I tried calling child services for advice but they don't open until 9am tomorrow morning.

Quoting you so you see this. Most councils have a duty safeguarding phone number for both adults and children. That will be how to get help tonight.

Scuttlingherbert · 13/04/2023 20:49

Well done for the way you've responded and good luck getting this sorted.
You could try NSPcc for advice.

IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 13/04/2023 20:51

The shorts alone, I wouldn't read too much into that tbh. Or the "treating him like a baby" stuff. My six year old daughter regularly shares a bed with her dad and we definitely baby her a bit because she's the youngest. But if these things are adding up with other behaviours for you, that's a different thing.

Wc100423 · 13/04/2023 20:51

Your instincts are correct to find this behavior very alarming and disturbing. Do not let your child go with this man ever again it does not matter if he is a parent your child has told you something and he does not understand what has happened but he feels odd and this is enough. Protect your son no matter what.

LegallyFit · 13/04/2023 20:53

Wc100423 · 13/04/2023 20:51

Your instincts are correct to find this behavior very alarming and disturbing. Do not let your child go with this man ever again it does not matter if he is a parent your child has told you something and he does not understand what has happened but he feels odd and this is enough. Protect your son no matter what.

Aside from the inhaler issue, what has the dad actually done to have his son withheld from him?

Mamamia32 · 13/04/2023 20:55

My family member took his ex to court (rightly so in his case but that's another story) and it was really, really expensive. There was no financial help available for him. And it took a while for him to even get a court date.

Just wanted to put your mind at rest that it won't be easy at all for your ex to take you to court, and in the meantime it's perfectly legal for you to keep your child away from him with no court order in place. It will also be legal for your ex to get your child from school though unless you inform the school/police/social services about your concerns. You need to get the ball rolling on that.

I have a six year old son too and I'm really sorry for everything that must be going through your head. I hope you both get the support you need.

Dixietru · 13/04/2023 20:56

I hope you are ok and so sorry to hear you’re going through this.
he sounds horrid. I’d ask your son what he thought was ‘odd’ & is there anything he else that he might not feel comfortable telling you. You done the right thing not letting him go. Keep him safe and away from that wrongen

DoesItHaveKosovo · 13/04/2023 20:59

LegallyFit · 13/04/2023 20:53

Aside from the inhaler issue, what has the dad actually done to have his son withheld from him?

Show quote history

Withholding inhalers
Abuse of OP
Shouting and bawling when OP stands up for herself

it’s not difficult, is it?

@Snowdropseaaon trust your instincts.

Marshatessa · 13/04/2023 21:01

Ring the emergency duty team number. All areas have social care workers 24/7 and you can get a call back. Don’t bother with NSPCC they are just middle man that pass work to social services.

LegallyFit · 13/04/2023 21:02

@DoesItHaveKosovo I agree the withholding of inhalers is dangerous and that needs to be addressed. The abuse of OP is awful but we don't know if this was in front of the child or if he has been abusive towards the child himself.

The OP has stopped contact based upon her son waking up with no shorts on but there is zero evidence or indication that anything untoward happened.

Suzi888 · 13/04/2023 21:03

Agree with pp and the advice is very good, please follow it. Record everything. Date everything.

The fact your son has mentioned it to you is concerning in itself.

wingingit1987 · 13/04/2023 21:16

There should be an emergency social work/social work standby number for your area. Google your local authority and “emergency social work”. Also, if you feel threatened by his reaction please call the police.

Brieandme · 13/04/2023 21:23

I support you re trusting your gut, you're his mum and you know your ex - none of us do.
I would say though that unless there's more to it, it does sound pretty drastic to go straight to an assumption of child abuse, and I wanted to say that to balance against all the posters saying you are unequivocally right to stop contact until he takes you to court.

Co sleeping isn't necessarily an indication for abuse, not always giving inhalers could be a sign of crap parenting but not abuse, same with allowing him to play videogames he shouldn't.

Brieandme · 13/04/2023 21:27

Also if you're in the UK and you called out of hours social work for this all they'd do is log it and ask you to self refer in the morning. Child is safe with you, theres no evidence anything has happened to him and there's nothing they would do out of hours based on the information you've given here.

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 13/04/2023 21:27

Marshatessa · 13/04/2023 21:01

Ring the emergency duty team number. All areas have social care workers 24/7 and you can get a call back. Don’t bother with NSPCC they are just middle man that pass work to social services.

Thanks I called them and said as DS is in my care and at no immediate risk then they can't discuss and to call tomorrow to speak to the day team

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 13/04/2023 21:31

Brieandme · 13/04/2023 21:23

I support you re trusting your gut, you're his mum and you know your ex - none of us do.
I would say though that unless there's more to it, it does sound pretty drastic to go straight to an assumption of child abuse, and I wanted to say that to balance against all the posters saying you are unequivocally right to stop contact until he takes you to court.

Co sleeping isn't necessarily an indication for abuse, not always giving inhalers could be a sign of crap parenting but not abuse, same with allowing him to play videogames he shouldn't.

I've spoken to child services before about his medicine as he took him on holiday last year and gave him 0% of his medication. Bearing in mind DS has bad asthma and has had steroids on numerous occasions. Child services did say this is medical neglect and if he continues to do it then I have the right to stop my DS going. Ex then said he would give him his medicine so there was nothing I could do. Yet DS has told me again he hasn't been giving him it and ex hasn't requested a new inhaler for a very long time.

OP posts:
LegallyFit · 13/04/2023 21:32

Brieandme · 13/04/2023 21:23

I support you re trusting your gut, you're his mum and you know your ex - none of us do.
I would say though that unless there's more to it, it does sound pretty drastic to go straight to an assumption of child abuse, and I wanted to say that to balance against all the posters saying you are unequivocally right to stop contact until he takes you to court.

Co sleeping isn't necessarily an indication for abuse, not always giving inhalers could be a sign of crap parenting but not abuse, same with allowing him to play videogames he shouldn't.

I agree and based upon what has been shared, I don't think there is any justification for stopping contact so abruptly.

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