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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*trigger potential child abuse* stopped my DS going to his dad's tonight

256 replies

Snowdropseaaon · 13/04/2023 20:38

I know I'm not being unreasonable but posting here for traffic.

Today when we were in the car my son said to me "something odd happened last night" I said what's that. He said " I woke up this morning with no shorts on and I don't know how that happened, maybe I moved so much they came off"
He is 6 and still shares a bed with his dad which I haven't been happy about for a while. It could be nothing but his dad just gives me an uncomfortable feeling. When he says bye he smothers him and touches his bum and treats him like a baby. Other times when we have seen his dad in public or at school he whispers in his ear, it's just odd and weird.
There's a whole host of other stuff eg. Not giving him his inhalers, letting him play violent games and other stuff.
Do others think this is off? I've never stopped my son seeing his dad but tonight I haven't sent him.

My ex has gone mental at my saying he's going to drop all he'll and fury on me. Saying he has things he's been keeping about me that he is going to tell the court. That he's going to put everything and his life into court to get DS. So not to drip feed. I left ex when DS was 6 months old and went into a woman's refuge. He was abusive to me emotionally, financially. He was hideous and I was scared of him. Still am but much much stronger and aware of abuse now. Ex hates I have a voice and backbone now.
So I don't know what I should do with next steps really. I tried calling child services for advice but they don't open until 9am tomorrow morning.

OP posts:
newwings · 13/04/2023 22:07

@CouchToOuch I am so so sad this happened to you.

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 13/04/2023 22:07

CouchToOuch · 13/04/2023 21:49

I would never normally share this information but I was sexually abused as a child, and would wake up regularly with my knickers off. I would be confused by it and couldn't understand how it had happened. I was a similar age to your boy.

Thank you for sharing I appreciate it and I hope you are OK.
This is my concern too

OP posts:
CouchToOuch · 13/04/2023 22:18

Snowdropseaaon · 13/04/2023 22:07

Thank you for sharing I appreciate it and I hope you are OK.
This is my concern too

Show quote history

I hope your boy is OK and please protect him until you know the truth. From what you have shared, my instinct is not to trust his father. Hence feeling compelled to post.

ShowUs · 13/04/2023 22:19

I wouldn’t think twice about sleeping with my 6 y/o DD if she had no clothes on and she regularly would wake up and take her clothes off/put some on and then have no recollection of it.
It doesn’t scream SA to me at all.
If he wanted to look and him or touch him then he could easily do that in the bath or something.

That being said I would take him for a check up at the doctors and ask a social worker to speak to him as they have ways of getting information without asking leading questions.

I personally would have stopped him from having unsupervised contact after I thought he wasn’t giving him medication.

Widgets · 13/04/2023 22:20

you did the right thing, now write everything down, dates / times of incidents and exactly what your son said, in his words.
speak to professionals at children’s services and school, they are all there to to help you safeguard your child.

CymruChris · 13/04/2023 22:21

OP for what its worth I think you've done the right thing. You have exercised your parental responsibility to ensure that your son is kept safe from harm. The duty team are right with their advice that he is safe in your care and to speak to someone tomorrow. They should act on this very quickly.
I would hazard a guess there will be a section 47 investigation where specialist officers will speak to your son.

I truly hope that nothing happened but you have to take action in case the worst has happened. I'd have done the same thing.

LegallyFit · 13/04/2023 22:23

@CymruChris What justification would there be to launch a section 47 investigation?

Shhhquirrel · 13/04/2023 22:26

LegallyFit · 13/04/2023 20:43

Just that incident alone, I would not read too much into it if it was me. Your son could have taken his own underwear off in the night. It wasn't necessarily his dad who did it and your son didn't say it was his dad either.

It's completely understandable you are worried and it's a parents natural instinct to think the worse but at this point, from what you have posted, there doesn't seem to be anything untoward (in the sense of what children's services would think was unacceptable).

Ignore this nonsense

LegallyFit · 13/04/2023 22:27

@Shhhquirrel Nonsense as someone who has been through the family court system near on 10 times and has a law degree? I do have some knowledge in this area.

Brieandme · 13/04/2023 22:27

@ShowUs a GP wouldn't do a check up if a parent wanted appointment because they suspected sexual abuse. Nor would they offer an appointment for a general check if no reason was given.

IF there were grounds to suspect sexual abuse, there are specialist paediatricians who do these checks. However the paediatrician has to make the decision as to whether it's justified, as the process is intrusive and ethically should only be done if there are reasonable grounds to do so. Before that happens there would be consultations between medics, police and children's services to agree the course of action.

Unless there is other information that the OP hasn't shared, or new information came to light, I can't see any grounds for a s47 investigation or this type of medical check

LegallyFit · 13/04/2023 22:29

Brieandme · 13/04/2023 22:27

@ShowUs a GP wouldn't do a check up if a parent wanted appointment because they suspected sexual abuse. Nor would they offer an appointment for a general check if no reason was given.

IF there were grounds to suspect sexual abuse, there are specialist paediatricians who do these checks. However the paediatrician has to make the decision as to whether it's justified, as the process is intrusive and ethically should only be done if there are reasonable grounds to do so. Before that happens there would be consultations between medics, police and children's services to agree the course of action.

Unless there is other information that the OP hasn't shared, or new information came to light, I can't see any grounds for a s47 investigation or this type of medical check

Completely agree. There is no justification to subject a child to an invasive medical examination at this stage and it does not appear the threshold for a section 47 has been met.

tiredpuppymum · 13/04/2023 22:34

Sorry OP you must be beside yourself.

Surely if you think your child may have been sexually assaulted you need to contact the police? Rather than social care who will then be notified by the police.

WhiteBobbin · 13/04/2023 22:34

I hope to never encounter @LegallyFit in real life. Of course you protect your child until proven otherwise, you don’t keep sending your child to someone you think might be sexually abusing your child until you see them do it FFS.
OP your son felt uncomfortable enough to raise it with you looking for help, which you have and reassured him. If you had followed legallyfits advice and sent him after him telling you he was uncomfortable then he would have learnt you thought this behaviour was normal and he wouldn’t tell you when worse happened as he would have thought you condoned it.
you are an awesome mum, thank you.

LegallyFit · 13/04/2023 22:36

WhiteBobbin · 13/04/2023 22:34

I hope to never encounter @LegallyFit in real life. Of course you protect your child until proven otherwise, you don’t keep sending your child to someone you think might be sexually abusing your child until you see them do it FFS.
OP your son felt uncomfortable enough to raise it with you looking for help, which you have and reassured him. If you had followed legallyfits advice and sent him after him telling you he was uncomfortable then he would have learnt you thought this behaviour was normal and he wouldn’t tell you when worse happened as he would have thought you condoned it.
you are an awesome mum, thank you.

Where is the evidence he has been sexually abused? The father is essentially being called a paedophile with no evidence to substantiate that claim.

Brieandme · 13/04/2023 22:36

@LegallyFit not just for s47, unless there is a significant back story or other info, this wouldn't result in a referral/assessment being opened.

I can't imagine how horrible it must be having to send a child off to a horrible ex. But if the sole info really is that a 6 year old woke up without their shorts on, and thats it, that wouldn't be opened as a referral. As another poster said that's not unusual for children.
Parents would be given advice about their right to exercise PR and dad advised to initiate private proceedings if parents couldn't agree on contact arrangements.

CymruChris · 13/04/2023 22:37

Worded badly I suppose. There may be a s47, one of a few possible outcomes

LegallyFit · 13/04/2023 22:38

@WhiteBobbin Additionally nowhere does it say the child said he was uncomfortable. He said it was "odd". Based upon what the OP wrote, he was not distressed nor showed any difference in behaviour.

CymruChris · 13/04/2023 22:39

We don't have all the information on how the child feels

Brieandme · 13/04/2023 22:39

@WhiteBobbin where have you got 'child felt uncomfortable enough to raise it and sought help' from?

Child said something odd happened. Op hasn't said anything that indicated child was upset/scared/worried.

Taking that to suggest a child was making a disclosure is quite a leap.

LegallyFit · 13/04/2023 22:39

@Brieandme Completely agree with everything you have said. There is no evidence of anything having happened here.

SmileEachDay · 13/04/2023 22:40

It’s impossible- on the scant information given here - to make any assessment about what would or would not happen.

I would just reiterate that it’s inadvisable to share any personal information about CSA on this thread.

Flounder2022 · 13/04/2023 22:41

My son takes of his boxers every single night! He'll do it even if he has pyjama bottoms on too. I know there's more going on than just this but just wanted to say not to read too much in that alone.

EvenHeathens · 13/04/2023 22:48

Trust your gut op. Other chikdren may take off their shorts at night time, but op knows her child. She also knows her exs behaviour creeps her out anyway and that he is a controlling man. Please keep going as you are @Snowdropseaaon

Museya15 · 13/04/2023 23:08

LegallyFit · 13/04/2023 22:38

@WhiteBobbin Additionally nowhere does it say the child said he was uncomfortable. He said it was "odd". Based upon what the OP wrote, he was not distressed nor showed any difference in behaviour.

He's a child of 6, if he's never been aware of abuse, he's not going to show signs of distress or difference in behaviour. It's what might be going on in the bed when he is asleep. Come on!

LegallyFit · 13/04/2023 23:10

@Museya15 I do understand the concerns, I just think it's a huge leap to accuse the father of doing something inappropriate when there is nothing to suggest that has happened.