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AIBU?

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Original poster

*trigger potential child abuse* stopped my DS going to his dad's tonight

256 replies

Snowdropseaaon · 13/04/2023 20:38

I know I'm not being unreasonable but posting here for traffic.

Today when we were in the car my son said to me "something odd happened last night" I said what's that. He said " I woke up this morning with no shorts on and I don't know how that happened, maybe I moved so much they came off"
He is 6 and still shares a bed with his dad which I haven't been happy about for a while. It could be nothing but his dad just gives me an uncomfortable feeling. When he says bye he smothers him and touches his bum and treats him like a baby. Other times when we have seen his dad in public or at school he whispers in his ear, it's just odd and weird.
There's a whole host of other stuff eg. Not giving him his inhalers, letting him play violent games and other stuff.
Do others think this is off? I've never stopped my son seeing his dad but tonight I haven't sent him.

My ex has gone mental at my saying he's going to drop all he'll and fury on me. Saying he has things he's been keeping about me that he is going to tell the court. That he's going to put everything and his life into court to get DS. So not to drip feed. I left ex when DS was 6 months old and went into a woman's refuge. He was abusive to me emotionally, financially. He was hideous and I was scared of him. Still am but much much stronger and aware of abuse now. Ex hates I have a voice and backbone now.
So I don't know what I should do with next steps really. I tried calling child services for advice but they don't open until 9am tomorrow morning.

OP posts:
Coffeeandchocs · 13/04/2023 21:33

Dixietru · 13/04/2023 20:56

I hope you are ok and so sorry to hear you’re going through this.
he sounds horrid. I’d ask your son what he thought was ‘odd’ & is there anything he else that he might not feel comfortable telling you. You done the right thing not letting him go. Keep him safe and away from that wrongen

I know you mean well but the OP should not ask any more questions before seeking advice. As a paeds nurse we are taught to let children speak to us but not to question.
OP, write down exactly what was said by your son, word for word. Do not ask anything else, you could potentially ask leading questions which isn’t helpful in this scenario. A professional needs to speak with him who is knowledgable in how to have these conversations. It may well be nothing, he could have undressed in the night when he got too warm and not remember. The “odd” thing that he said happened could be waking up without his shorts on or it could be something more. A professional needs to be the person to find this out.
Also to add, if your son voluntarily gives anymore information to you, don’t promise you won’t tell anyone. It’s easy when a child is opening up to try to make them feel at ease by saying “you can tell me”, if he says anything else you need to say that for his safety you might have to share what he’s told you with someone that can help.

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 13/04/2023 21:34

I spoke to DS tonight and made a joke about his pj's staying on if he gets too hot again. He said I wasn't too hot in bed so I don't know how they came off. Then he said apparently they might have come off because I was moving around. I said oh apparently who said that and he said daddy said that

OP posts:
bitjaggy · 13/04/2023 21:34

I feel like vomiting after reading this.

There's absolutely no way I'd let my two go to their dads if he was behaving like this. Stop the visits immediately!!!

fitnessmummy · 13/04/2023 21:35

I would teach your son all about privacy and what is right and wrong, no secrets etc. This is something that he really needs right now. Trust your gut it's better to be safe than sorry.

samqueens · 13/04/2023 21:35

I’m so sorry this has happened OP.
Trust your gut, listen to your son and advocate for him at all costs. Don’t let your ex bully you and if that means court and the whole nine yards then so be it. You’ve already been so brave and I’m sorry you might now have to be all over again. Thinking of you and sending strength. 💐

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 13/04/2023 21:37

fitnessmummy · 13/04/2023 21:35

I would teach your son all about privacy and what is right and wrong, no secrets etc. This is something that he really needs right now. Trust your gut it's better to be safe than sorry.

Absolutely I've spoken about PANTs with him and also about not keeping secrets. However his dad encourages him to keep secrets from me. Me son has told me this, I've confronted ex and he's admitted it

OP posts:
Sunflower07 · 13/04/2023 21:38

Have you called the police? I would in case something has happened and there is any forensic evidence. I know it's really not nice to think about - so sorry you're dealing with this.

SwearySweary · 13/04/2023 21:41

You’re doing all the right things here. So many people play things like this down but you’re clearly facing it head on.

Your latest update is horrible to read.

Coffeeandchocs · 13/04/2023 21:41

Snowdropseaaon · 13/04/2023 21:34

I spoke to DS tonight and made a joke about his pj's staying on if he gets too hot again. He said I wasn't too hot in bed so I don't know how they came off. Then he said apparently they might have come off because I was moving around. I said oh apparently who said that and he said daddy said that

Seriously OP, you mustn’t try to gain any more information from your son, as much as I know you want to. He will be able to tell from your reactions that you are trying to delve deeper, this may lead him into thinking something was wrong when it wasn’t or into downplaying something so as not to worry you. It really must be a professional that has these conversations with him.

Iris1976 · 13/04/2023 21:44

Please don't mention to your son any more leading questions as this will not be looked at kindly by the people you'll need to involve

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 13/04/2023 21:45

Coffeeandchocs · 13/04/2023 21:41

Seriously OP, you mustn’t try to gain any more information from your son, as much as I know you want to. He will be able to tell from your reactions that you are trying to delve deeper, this may lead him into thinking something was wrong when it wasn’t or into downplaying something so as not to worry you. It really must be a professional that has these conversations with him.

Show quote history

Yea I just saw the above message. Wish I hadnt said anything now. Definitely won't ask anymore questions and let him come to me if he feels he needs to say anything

OP posts:
zurala · 13/04/2023 21:47

OP if you need someone to talk to tonight, there's a CSA survivor and campaigner who I know in real life called Emma Taylor she is on Twitter as ejtayloruk and I know she would talk to you on DM and advise.

Coffeeandchocs · 13/04/2023 21:48

Snowdropseaaon · 13/04/2023 21:45

Yea I just saw the above message. Wish I hadnt said anything now. Definitely won't ask anymore questions and let him come to me if he feels he needs to say anything

Show quote history

It is an absolutely normal reaction from a worried parent to want to discuss something like this with their child. It is only through my work that I know that the best way to handle this is to let them speak when they are telling you and then report concerns without prying any more information.
I really do hope that this is something of nothing, and that you’re able to get to the bottom of it through the correct channels. You’re a fantastic parent for advocating for your child and following your gut on this.

CouchToOuch · 13/04/2023 21:49

I would never normally share this information but I was sexually abused as a child, and would wake up regularly with my knickers off. I would be confused by it and couldn't understand how it had happened. I was a similar age to your boy.

Brieandme · 13/04/2023 21:50

@Snowdropseaaon I wasn't defending him, but there are plenty of parents who decide e they know better than doctors and still have children in their care.

As I said, I'd support any parent to trust their gut. I just think if a woman had posted something along the lines of
'my child fell asleep in his clothes so I took them off when he was asleep' or 'my child was too hot so I stripped him when he was asleep' followed by ' because of this my ex has accused me of child sexual abuse and is refusing to return him' - the responses would be very different.

Brieandme · 13/04/2023 21:52

@CouchToOuch just wanted to say I crossposted with you and didn't want you too think I was minimising your experience. I'm sorry that happened to you.

SmileEachDay · 13/04/2023 21:53

I’d warn against anyone sharing anything personal, particularly around CSA on this thread.

LegallyFit · 13/04/2023 21:58

Brieandme · 13/04/2023 21:50

@Snowdropseaaon I wasn't defending him, but there are plenty of parents who decide e they know better than doctors and still have children in their care.

As I said, I'd support any parent to trust their gut. I just think if a woman had posted something along the lines of
'my child fell asleep in his clothes so I took them off when he was asleep' or 'my child was too hot so I stripped him when he was asleep' followed by ' because of this my ex has accused me of child sexual abuse and is refusing to return him' - the responses would be very different.

They definitely would be different. I understand the concerns and it's natural to worry but at this point (speaking as someone who has been through the family court system multiple times), there is not enough here to warrant stopping contact with father.

Bunce1 · 13/04/2023 21:59

Brieandme · 13/04/2023 21:50

@Snowdropseaaon I wasn't defending him, but there are plenty of parents who decide e they know better than doctors and still have children in their care.

As I said, I'd support any parent to trust their gut. I just think if a woman had posted something along the lines of
'my child fell asleep in his clothes so I took them off when he was asleep' or 'my child was too hot so I stripped him when he was asleep' followed by ' because of this my ex has accused me of child sexual abuse and is refusing to return him' - the responses would be very different.

ODFOD. Given that CSA is almost wholly perpetrated by men your comment is so so stupid. Over 80% are men. 9% are women and the remainder is unknown.

newwings · 13/04/2023 22:01

LegallyFit · 13/04/2023 21:02

@DoesItHaveKosovo I agree the withholding of inhalers is dangerous and that needs to be addressed. The abuse of OP is awful but we don't know if this was in front of the child or if he has been abusive towards the child himself.

The OP has stopped contact based upon her son waking up with no shorts on but there is zero evidence or indication that anything untoward happened.

Shorts off?? For me it's the taking the risk of what of it is worse case?! How do you take that gamble. Could be completely innocent but if it's not then OP would have put her child in harms way? How does she win in this scenario? Child and safety is paramount alway.

Isthatascratchonmygrandmother · 13/04/2023 22:01

LegallyFit · 13/04/2023 20:53

Aside from the inhaler issue, what has the dad actually done to have his son withheld from him?

Show quote history

What do you mean aside from? That is issue enough for me to withhold my child from a negligent parent.

LegallyFit · 13/04/2023 22:05

@newwings I do get what you are saying but I'm also mindful of what social services are like and unless you have evidence of something untoward happening, they can turn on you and say your allegations are malicious. It's happened to me so I just wanted OP to be mindful. I'm not trying to put her off reporting but got to be so careful with these people.

I personally wouldn't jump from my child waking up with shorts off to possibly being abused. I think it's just important to be careful surrounding allegations like this.

LegallyFit · 13/04/2023 22:05

@Isthatascratchonmygrandmother I agree it needs addressing but that is not the reason OP stopped contact.

newwings · 13/04/2023 22:06

Sunflower07 · 13/04/2023 21:38

Have you called the police? I would in case something has happened and there is any forensic evidence. I know it's really not nice to think about - so sorry you're dealing with this.

This is a really good point, unfortunate the ex is now aware of your concerns

Brieandme · 13/04/2023 22:06

@Bunce1 why are you telling me to fuck off?

Are you suggesting that because men are more likely to be perpetrators of sexual abuse that a dad should never be allowed to remove their child's clothing, or co sleep? And that women are automatically innocent and should never be questioned about the same?

Get some perspective and stop fanning flames.