*trigger potential child abuse* stopped my DS going to his dad's tonight

[Snowdropseaaon]

I know I'm not being unreasonable but posting here for traffic.

Today when we were in the car my son said to me "something odd happened last night" I said what's that. He said " I woke up this morning with no shorts on and I don't know how that happened, maybe I moved so much they came off"
He is 6 and still shares a bed with his dad which I haven't been happy about for a while. It could be nothing but his dad just gives me an uncomfortable feeling. When he says bye he smothers him and touches his bum and treats him like a baby. Other times when we have seen his dad in public or at school he whispers in his ear, it's just odd and weird.
There's a whole host of other stuff eg. Not giving him his inhalers, letting him play violent games and other stuff.
Do others think this is off? I've never stopped my son seeing his dad but tonight I haven't sent him.

My ex has gone mental at my saying he's going to drop all he'll and fury on me. Saying he has things he's been keeping about me that he is going to tell the court. That he's going to put everything and his life into court to get DS. So not to drip feed. I left ex when DS was 6 months old and went into a woman's refuge. He was abusive to me emotionally, financially. He was hideous and I was scared of him. Still am but much much stronger and aware of abuse now. Ex hates I have a voice and backbone now.
So I don't know what I should do with next steps really. I tried calling child services for advice but they don't open until 9am tomorrow morning.

Always trust your gut instinct

Had anyone asked why the boy is sharing a bed with his dad
Hadn't he got a bed?

And what is your job @LegallyFit that qualifies you to to give advice on this subject?

@Shhhquirrel I discussed my qualifications and experience earlier in the thread.

But do you work professionally in Child Protection?

@Shhhquirrel I would prefer not to disclose my profession on here. Do you work in Child Protection?

I am possibly the world’s most restless sleeper, even the dog won’t sleep on my bed as I’ve kicked her flying a few times. My pyjamas, whether long or shorts , have never come off me in my sleep.
OP if your son brought his clothes home and they’re unwashed keep them in a plastic bag just in case they need to be looked at later on.
I really hope nothing happened to your ds, get advice first thing tomorrow.

I think it actually takes alot for a young child to say something like this, generally kids tend to just move on unless something made them feel really uncomfortable.

I'd take it seriously until it's proven otherwise.

I hope it's nothing and would not make a big deal of it around your child for now but absolutely follow it up.

This is a tricky one op because your son hadn't made a disclosure about abuse. Can you discuss with him further? It's very unlikely a professional will speak to him directly because he has not highlighted abuse. It's less traumatising for the child if your the one gathering more information at this stage. Reassure your son that he done the right thing telling you and you believe him. Then you need to dig deeper and see if your son can remember anything.

• has it ever happened before
• why did he say it felt odd
• did he ask his dad what happened to his shorts
• what happened prior to going to bed (their nighttime routine and was this the same as usual) did he eat or drink anything,
• what did his dad say when you asked him why your sons shorts were not on him
• do you have the shorts and are they too big on him

You should trust your gut but also unfortunately without further evidence of anything then going to court won't make a difference as concerning as that may be.

In the meantime call child services to keep yourself right and get advice. If I think of anything else I'll post again.

Is it really helpful for everyone to chime in with 'my pyjamas have never fallen off' / 'my DC's shorts fall off all the time?' And as for @LegallyFit - no words.

OP - you have an abusive ex who has withheld medication for your son that ENABLES HIM TO BREATHE. That is enough to withhold contact! The shorts issue could be nothing or could be something terrible... nobody knows yet. But I think 99% of normal, sensible people understand exactly why your instinct is to keep your DS safe and to to seek professional advice. Good luck and best wishes to you.

@BritInAus If you can highlight anything I have said that is incorrect, I will happily reconsider my position.

Just to add it sounds like you have been through court already and they Will obviously be aware of your ex partners abuse towards you but they have deemed him safe to have his son in his care. Hence why he has him alone for overnight stays.

Also parents make allegations constantly when children are involved and if every allegation was believed then children would removed from both parents care. Things have to be investigated if concerning but they also have to meet the threshold for this, sorry to say but it does not meet it. Which is why I stress speaking to your sons and clarifying as much as possible to help you.

No but I’m not the one expounding drivel on here.

@Shhhquirrel What do you consider drivel in relation to what I have said?

It sounds weird , at 6 there's no reasons for any parent to take the DCs pants off if no sen or extreme illness. If your son is taking his underwear off in his sleep he needs to sleep in his own bed no cosleeping.
Has there any signs in your relationship your ex abnormal sexual thoughts?

I don’t think op is only reacting to the pants situation. It sounds as though she has always thought his behaviour around son has been dodgy and now this have brought her feelings. Into focus. She has probably always had fears because she has firsthand experience of his abusive behaviour. I wouldn’t want my son to be left alone inthe care of someone I knew to be that way inclined. I am so sorry op.

Thinking of you snowdrop, well done on being a great mum to your son.

Child (and adult) severe asthmatic here. I’m sure you know your son’s condition very well, so know how serious withholding asthma drugs (especially the preventer) can be.

Preventor inhalers can give a false security when it is working well, that asthma is non existent and resolved, but stopping that maintenance dose can and has caused fatal asthma attacks. This is most common for teenagers (because children are supervised by parents) who are trusted to take doses themselves but think they don’t need to. This was drilled into me by my healthcare team and was strictly followed by both my divorced parents on their half of the week with me (50/50 arrangement).

Your ex is medically neglecting your son by not ensuring he has his doses that could have fatal results. I would stress this issue and the issue with disclosure of his shorts being down as the two key points.

If your son is ordered to resume contact I would document ever time he requests an inhaler, but also document when you run out of inhalers and repeat them so the different can be shown in court.

Whoops, posted too early. To add I also co-slept with my father on his nights of the week until I was 11, I was scared of the dark and I was a daddy’s girl and loved sleeping with him as it made me feel secure. (I slept in my own bedroom on my mothers contact days as she had remarried).

My mother didn’t know I co-slept until years later when when it organically came into a conversation about my differently decorated bedrooms with her and I said it was a bit of a waste as I never slept in his one. It didn’t come into conversation with her as a child, because it was just normal, nothing sinister and I didn’t think to talk to her about it. Trust your gut and advocate for your child.

He is behaving recklessly with your son's life by depriving him of his inhalers. I'm asthmatic and it's really scary when you just can't breathe. Your son must be terrified without his inhalers.

Fuck that noise… I’d be taking him to your GP and asking for a full investigation. This is so suspicious. Poor little man!!!

The posts from self-proclaimed professionals telling you it wouldn’t meet the threshold to trigger an investigation- well I’m sure they’re right, but if it were my child, I’d not give a crap about their arbitrary threshold, or about the ‘it will be seen dimly by the courts if you withhold contact for, what we see is no good reason’. We are spectacularly failing to keep children safe in this country, and following arbitrary rules set by people who seem to care more about a parents rights than the child’s would not be my priority. Trust your instincts OP, you’re doing the right thing in keeping him away

That's completely understandable. I just didn't want it to backfire on OP. She's naturally concerned but without any evidence, I genuinely would not suggest accusing someone of potential SA.

The fact that the father withheld his son’s inhaler - potentially lifesaving medication - would put him in the abuser category for me, never mind anything else he might have done.

Despite your self-declared qualifications, you seem unable to appreciate that paedophile activity is rarely performed with witnesses.
Why are you trying to discourage investigation of possible child sexual abuse?