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AIBU?

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Original poster

*trigger potential child abuse* stopped my DS going to his dad's tonight

256 replies

Snowdropseaaon · 13/04/2023 20:38

I know I'm not being unreasonable but posting here for traffic.

Today when we were in the car my son said to me "something odd happened last night" I said what's that. He said " I woke up this morning with no shorts on and I don't know how that happened, maybe I moved so much they came off"
He is 6 and still shares a bed with his dad which I haven't been happy about for a while. It could be nothing but his dad just gives me an uncomfortable feeling. When he says bye he smothers him and touches his bum and treats him like a baby. Other times when we have seen his dad in public or at school he whispers in his ear, it's just odd and weird.
There's a whole host of other stuff eg. Not giving him his inhalers, letting him play violent games and other stuff.
Do others think this is off? I've never stopped my son seeing his dad but tonight I haven't sent him.

My ex has gone mental at my saying he's going to drop all he'll and fury on me. Saying he has things he's been keeping about me that he is going to tell the court. That he's going to put everything and his life into court to get DS. So not to drip feed. I left ex when DS was 6 months old and went into a woman's refuge. He was abusive to me emotionally, financially. He was hideous and I was scared of him. Still am but much much stronger and aware of abuse now. Ex hates I have a voice and backbone now.
So I don't know what I should do with next steps really. I tried calling child services for advice but they don't open until 9am tomorrow morning.

OP posts:
AgrathaChristie · 17/04/2023 01:51

Either speak to the school and say ds must not leave with anyone other than you
Or say you have to collect him early due to a dental / optician/ medical appointment.
Your ex knows he’s on shaky ground, he knows he’s don’t things wrong with ds inhalers so he’s chucking everything at you that he can to try and get power back.
Write down everything. Keep every message he sends.
Good luck with the solicitor. I think you’ve done amazingly well so far to protect your son and keep him calm. 💐

LegallyFit · 17/04/2023 01:58

AgrathaChristie · 17/04/2023 01:51

Either speak to the school and say ds must not leave with anyone other than you
Or say you have to collect him early due to a dental / optician/ medical appointment.
Your ex knows he’s on shaky ground, he knows he’s don’t things wrong with ds inhalers so he’s chucking everything at you that he can to try and get power back.
Write down everything. Keep every message he sends.
Good luck with the solicitor. I think you’ve done amazingly well so far to protect your son and keep him calm. 💐

School won't get involved to that extent unless there is a court order preventing dad from collecting their son. He would still be allowed to collect him even if mum said no.

Natsku · 17/04/2023 05:59

Yeah schools can't deny someone with PR from picking up their child, though if they are understanding they might delay him long enough for OP to get there (that's what DD's nursery offered to do for me when there was issues with her dad, they said they would call me as soon as they saw him and then delay him by saying they needed to talk about DD in the office so I could rush over there but in this situation nursery were well aware of the issues and fully on my side). Better to just pick him up early this time until police have had a chance to look into things.

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 17/04/2023 07:49

I did think that might be the case for schools. Would they still do this if they knowingly there might be potential safeguarding issues sending DS with ex though?

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 17/04/2023 07:51

Fraaahnces · 17/04/2023 01:33

So pleased the police took it seriously. I think the social worker sounds dangerous.

I agree, her advise has made the situation worse tbh and put me and DS at more risk from him.

OP posts:
LegallyFit · 17/04/2023 08:14

Snowdropseaaon · 17/04/2023 07:49

I did think that might be the case for schools. Would they still do this if they knowingly there might be potential safeguarding issues sending DS with ex though?

Unfortunately yes, that would still be their stance as there is no independent evidence at this point. They would likely only prevent dad collecting him if social services had advised against it or if there was a court order.

sealon82 · 17/04/2023 09:12

Speak to the school and see what they say, are the police going to speak to your son or ex husband. The advice from your ISVA to get an order put in place is probably the best idea for now. I know someone who did that and until it was taken to court all contact with dad had to be in a contact centre. It also gave her more rights around school pickups ect.

Brieandme · 17/04/2023 16:44

School would likely either need to see something for themselves that they can judge as an immediate safeguarding risk (eg a parent turning up drunk, a parent turning up kicking off) or have something substantive from social services/police to say that there's safeguarding issues.

Unfortunately parents can and do use 'safeguarding' as a means to withhold contact, so from schools position - if dad has PR, there's no immediate danger and the only grounds are the other parent saying they're worried - that's not enough for school to override dad's PR and stop the child going with him.

I would say this one is particularly difficult because if I've read correctly, dad hasn't said he's not giving the child inhalers, or against doing so, that he was challenged on it before and said he does give them (but OP is rightly suspicious because he's not asked for a new one for a while) But dad could easily claim it's a misunderstanding, of course he's giving his child his meds, or just that he forgets sometimes but generally does, and school couldn't prevent him based on that being the issue.

The harassment/emotional abuse to OP is abhorrent but that's between the adults and not something that would prevent him from collecting his child. Unless it was in a way that made him a risk to the child but again if so that would be a police/social services advice issue.

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 17/04/2023 20:13

Brieandme · 17/04/2023 16:44

School would likely either need to see something for themselves that they can judge as an immediate safeguarding risk (eg a parent turning up drunk, a parent turning up kicking off) or have something substantive from social services/police to say that there's safeguarding issues.

Unfortunately parents can and do use 'safeguarding' as a means to withhold contact, so from schools position - if dad has PR, there's no immediate danger and the only grounds are the other parent saying they're worried - that's not enough for school to override dad's PR and stop the child going with him.

I would say this one is particularly difficult because if I've read correctly, dad hasn't said he's not giving the child inhalers, or against doing so, that he was challenged on it before and said he does give them (but OP is rightly suspicious because he's not asked for a new one for a while) But dad could easily claim it's a misunderstanding, of course he's giving his child his meds, or just that he forgets sometimes but generally does, and school couldn't prevent him based on that being the issue.

The harassment/emotional abuse to OP is abhorrent but that's between the adults and not something that would prevent him from collecting his child. Unless it was in a way that made him a risk to the child but again if so that would be a police/social services advice issue.

Today was suppose to be ex night. I messaged him and informed him after legal advice there would be no contact until the court settled the matter but he can call him whenever he wants. He's either changed tactics or didn't think I would actually stand up for me and DS. He's begging me and although I do for bad (even though I shouldnt) I know its best for DS right now. He also said that he's went to the docs today to get a brown inhaler. Repeats usually take 2 to 3 days to get so not sure about that and he said he had sorted him room out so DS can sleep in it. But I mean why say this now and he's basically admitted he didn't give medicine as he had to get a new inhaler (if true)

OP posts:
MrsH1983 · 17/04/2023 20:29

Hi, what did your solicitor say today?

Fraaahnces · 18/04/2023 01:37

Are these conversations online or on the phone? (I hope online as this is admitting he knows he’s guilty.)

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 18/04/2023 06:31

MrsH1983 · 17/04/2023 20:29

Hi, what did your solicitor say today?

She said I'm within my right to keep my DS and she can see I have really good reason to do so. She said I could apply for court myself or wait for ex to do so. I said he could just keep threatening me with court so we are going to apply first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 18/04/2023 06:32

Fraaahnces · 18/04/2023 01:37

Are these conversations online or on the phone? (I hope online as this is admitting he knows he’s guilty.)

Yes all over text! I wouldn't be silly to do it over phone calls.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 18/04/2023 06:35

Oh well done! *Claps…
This guy is trying to backpeddle all of a sudden for a reason isn’t he. Idiot just shot himself in the foot. 😁

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 18/04/2023 07:48

Fraaahnces · 18/04/2023 06:35

Oh well done! *Claps…
This guy is trying to backpeddle all of a sudden for a reason isn’t he. Idiot just shot himself in the foot. 😁

Thanks, not sure what his tactic is tbh. Probably thought I wouldn't do this. I am so angry that he's tried to lie for so long about giving his medication! Why does he think he's above everyone and everything

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 18/04/2023 08:58

School said they can't stop ex from taking him from school because of parental rights.

OP posts:
BritInAus · 18/04/2023 09:06

No, school can't stop him. But it's good for them to understand the situation. They can call you if, for example, he arrived early to collect your DS.

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 19/04/2023 09:20

My ex has just messaged me and said it's his weekend to have him and as a compromise can he have him for the day and bring him back to mine in the evenings. My gut is saying no but I know if I say no he's going to spin parental alienation as he said this in his message if I stop DS seeing him then I'm abusing DS. What should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 19/04/2023 09:27

There's also the issue as well that he wouldn't give him back.

OP posts:
SlashBeef · 19/04/2023 09:34

Yes my concern would be that he would keep him and then you'd have to wait for the court process to get him back.

sealon82 · 19/04/2023 10:28

Did you speak with your ISVA about getting an order put in place so contact would be supervised? I'm surprised that the police don't want to speak to your son or ex about your concerns, is that an option?

Natsku · 19/04/2023 10:42

He may well have been advised to ask that, to sound reasonable, and then not return him, then he'd be able to keep him until court. Not worth the risk, just offer extra video calls instead.

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 19/04/2023 10:59

sealon82 · 19/04/2023 10:28

Did you speak with your ISVA about getting an order put in place so contact would be supervised? I'm surprised that the police don't want to speak to your son or ex about your concerns, is that an option?

I've only spoken to my IDVA to update her. She said she was busy all week but we will speak next week. I'm spreaking to my solicitor today to take the court order a step forward.
The officer said he needs to hand it over to another officer who's in my district. He did say a child assessment would be done but I don't actually know when.

OP posts:
BaBaBiscuit · 19/04/2023 11:15

I find the inhaler thing very concerning and would definitely take that up with children's services. Also, considering that you have a history of abuse with your ex I can understand why you are concerned. I would be too.

Without the factors above, I'm not sure the pants thing alone is enough to jump to a conclusion of sexual abuse. One thing that strikes me as odd is if it was sexual abuse wouldn't your ex have put your son's pants back on again?

Best of luck to you and your son. I'm so.sprry you are in this situation. It must be devastating. I really, really hope nothing bad has happened to.your son and I think you are right to not brush off things lightly.

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 19/04/2023 21:00

Tonight I've received an intimidating email from exes solicitor stating I'm unreasonable and if I do not reinstate contact she will apply for an urgent court order as well as saying I will have to pay for exes legal costs that could be over 2000 apparently.

OP posts: