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AIBU?

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Original poster

*trigger potential child abuse* stopped my DS going to his dad's tonight

256 replies

Snowdropseaaon · 13/04/2023 20:38

I know I'm not being unreasonable but posting here for traffic.

Today when we were in the car my son said to me "something odd happened last night" I said what's that. He said " I woke up this morning with no shorts on and I don't know how that happened, maybe I moved so much they came off"
He is 6 and still shares a bed with his dad which I haven't been happy about for a while. It could be nothing but his dad just gives me an uncomfortable feeling. When he says bye he smothers him and touches his bum and treats him like a baby. Other times when we have seen his dad in public or at school he whispers in his ear, it's just odd and weird.
There's a whole host of other stuff eg. Not giving him his inhalers, letting him play violent games and other stuff.
Do others think this is off? I've never stopped my son seeing his dad but tonight I haven't sent him.

My ex has gone mental at my saying he's going to drop all he'll and fury on me. Saying he has things he's been keeping about me that he is going to tell the court. That he's going to put everything and his life into court to get DS. So not to drip feed. I left ex when DS was 6 months old and went into a woman's refuge. He was abusive to me emotionally, financially. He was hideous and I was scared of him. Still am but much much stronger and aware of abuse now. Ex hates I have a voice and backbone now.
So I don't know what I should do with next steps really. I tried calling child services for advice but they don't open until 9am tomorrow morning.

OP posts:
LegallyFit · 14/04/2023 04:02

@Redebs Because there are no indications from what the OP has said that SA is taking place. It's a very serious allegation. Why are you and others trying to accuse someone of pedophilia with no basis for that view? Genuine question.

lala2023 · 14/04/2023 04:05

I think what is concerning is that your son felt the need to tell you about it so he was obviously worried

Kennykenkencat · 14/04/2023 04:08

Quite reasonable that your ds’s shorts came off in the night

However I think something is very off the way your son told you,

Almost like he is hinting that things aren’t right but not being able to find the words to describe it.

MayThe4th · 14/04/2023 04:23

Well, those who are urging caution are at least being rational, which is more than can be said for the people telling the OP that she is absolutely doing the right thing and adding to the OP’s worries by convincing her that her son is being sexually abused.

The “if it was your child” argument is a red herring. Yes of course anyone would want to protect their child, but this isn’t anyone’s child here who is commenting. And while it’s easy enough to say “put yourself in the OP’s shoes,” that’s all very well when you’re thinking of withholding contact, are those same people who have encouraged the OP to withhold contact going to be putting themselves in her shoes when SS don’t investigate and when the father goes back to court to reinforce the court order.

This man is a nasty piece of work, the last thing the OP needs is for a court to find in his favour and potentially award him more contact than he already has based on the fact that the OP has gone against the order.

The courts take a dim view of parents who withhold contact.

I know how people like to tell posters like @legallyFit that they’re obviously talking rubbish based on their own assumptions of what should happen. But that’s not actually helping anyone. Least of all the OP.

blubberball · 14/04/2023 04:37

God, the woman can never win can she? The courts take a dim view of parents who withhold contact, but if anything were to happen, they'd ask why the mother continued to send her child to the other parent if she had concerns that things weren't right. Why did the mother put her child at risk? Either way, she is blamed.

Yet the shitty fathers get away with so much. But they're "trying their best", and they never get blamed for being a crap parent causing damage. They do the bare minimum, use their dc to continue to control and abuse the mother. They know being a shit parent hurts her more.

Admittedly, I am projecting my situation. I am currently going through similar. I had to contact child services about the other parent, and they have absolutely supported me in withholding sending my dc to their father until issues have been investigated properly and resolved.

I hope child services fully support op, and I hope that things get better 💐

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 05:57

artimesiasfootsteps · 14/04/2023 02:58

Child (and adult) severe asthmatic here. I’m sure you know your son’s condition very well, so know how serious withholding asthma drugs (especially the preventer) can be.

Preventor inhalers can give a false security when it is working well, that asthma is non existent and resolved, but stopping that maintenance dose can and has caused fatal asthma attacks. This is most common for teenagers (because children are supervised by parents) who are trusted to take doses themselves but think they don’t need to. This was drilled into me by my healthcare team and was strictly followed by both my divorced parents on their half of the week with me (50/50 arrangement).

Your ex is medically neglecting your son by not ensuring he has his doses that could have fatal results. I would stress this issue and the issue with disclosure of his shorts being down as the two key points.

If your son is ordered to resume contact I would document ever time he requests an inhaler, but also document when you run out of inhalers and repeat them so the different can be shown in court.

I know, his dad said a while a go well he isn't coughing he doesn't need it. I said you're not getting it's a preventer so it's doing its job!!
DS also has this bottle that has pods. They are quite strong smelling and when DS was ill he was coughing alot so I removed the pods from the bottle. I tried explaining to him that strong smelling things can set off asthma coughs. He just sent me laughing faces and didn't take it seriously

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 05:59

StoppinBy · 14/04/2023 01:30

I think it actually takes alot for a young child to say something like this, generally kids tend to just move on unless something made them feel really uncomfortable.

I'd take it seriously until it's proven otherwise.

I hope it's nothing and would not make a big deal of it around your child for now but absolutely follow it up.

Usually DS doesn't make alot of fuss and he just let's things go or forgets. So I'm surprised he raised it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 06:13

To clarify a few things in the thread. We don't have a court order. He's been threatening to take me to court for 2 years now and never has done. Mostly this happens when I stand up for myself and my DS eg. The inhalers.

I do get what @LegallyFit is saying. I know of worse things happening to children and social services have said it doesn't meet the threshold. It's so said the system is this way as a few have said children slip through. I've also heard many bar things about the courts too and I am terrified tbh about what rubbish ex is going to make up. I know him well and he will literally do anything to be in control and see DS as much as possible.

I know there is no evidence of SA other than what DS has told me. However my gut is telling me stuff isn't right. It's the way he says goodbye to DS and DS looks uncomfortable. Recently DS has cried ans says he misses me and doesn't want to go to school. This was a behavioural change. He also said he had alot of headaches and bellyaches. He also has become more anxious. Can't go to the toilet alone, just can't be alone in general. Could be something, could be nothing. However abusers as I know with ex likes to hide things which he also encourages DS to do. Ex puts on a front to people ans especially social media that paints him as the perfect person. No one could guess he abused me like he did.

What do I do though. Sit back because no one will do anything or at least try and speak to professionals?

OP posts:
Mumofnarnia · 14/04/2023 06:46

LegallyFit · 13/04/2023 21:32

I agree and based upon what has been shared, I don't think there is any justification for stopping contact so abruptly.

Show quote history

I’m sorry but I have been through the family court process before and there is every justification to stop contact. It can go against op if she does not safeguard her child if she suspects abuse and then it turns out her dc was being abused. I abruptly stopped my ex dh from seeing our children due to domestic abuse. It actually went in my favour in the family court as it showed I’m able to safeguard my children.

The only time there is no justification for stopping contact is for spiteful reasons like your ex had an affair and you want to get back at them by stoping contact or you split up and just don’t want them to see the kids anymore for no real reason - that is the sort of scenario where there is no justification for stopping contact.

DivorcingEU · 14/04/2023 07:00

Snowdropseaaon
What do I do though. Sit back because no one will do anything or at least try and speak to professionals?

I totally agree. You have to try. If you don't, then there will definitely be no change for the good.

I'm so sorry this is happening. I hope you get through to someone helpful today.

Museya15 · 14/04/2023 07:09

So according to legallyfit and the other one, just ignore it, say nothing like many wives and partners years ago did and carry on regardless. Prevention always better than cure.

Original poster
Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 07:20

Also I haven't shared what my DS told me with his dad. I've just said about the other stuff and not the shorts thing

OP posts:
Tealsofa · 14/04/2023 07:21

I have only read your posts @Snowdropseaaon but fucking hell, let him take you to court, dont let your son go there any more

Get on the phone at 9am and make that call

Protect your son - you got this!

whyhere · 14/04/2023 07:22

To me (and I have some professional experience in this field) the quote from your son: "Something odd happened last night" are a huge red flag. Please take this further.

Minfilia · 14/04/2023 07:24

Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 06:13

To clarify a few things in the thread. We don't have a court order. He's been threatening to take me to court for 2 years now and never has done. Mostly this happens when I stand up for myself and my DS eg. The inhalers.

I do get what @LegallyFit is saying. I know of worse things happening to children and social services have said it doesn't meet the threshold. It's so said the system is this way as a few have said children slip through. I've also heard many bar things about the courts too and I am terrified tbh about what rubbish ex is going to make up. I know him well and he will literally do anything to be in control and see DS as much as possible.

I know there is no evidence of SA other than what DS has told me. However my gut is telling me stuff isn't right. It's the way he says goodbye to DS and DS looks uncomfortable. Recently DS has cried ans says he misses me and doesn't want to go to school. This was a behavioural change. He also said he had alot of headaches and bellyaches. He also has become more anxious. Can't go to the toilet alone, just can't be alone in general. Could be something, could be nothing. However abusers as I know with ex likes to hide things which he also encourages DS to do. Ex puts on a front to people ans especially social media that paints him as the perfect person. No one could guess he abused me like he did.

What do I do though. Sit back because no one will do anything or at least try and speak to professionals?

Well he can try and make up whatever he wants, but without evidence he will get nowhere. Judges see narcissists making up stories every day (seriously).

Two of my friends went through the family courts over their DC and I can assure you that they were looked upon favourably because both maintained a dignified silence and didn’t rise to any of the accusations of MH issues, abuse etc. The judges were far more supportive of them in both cases.

In one case my friends ex kidnapped their child and refused to return her. I asked her why she hadn’t got the biggest men she knew to go and get her daughter back, and she said it was taking everything she had not to storm in there and steal her back but her lawyer said it would not look good on her if she did this and that the court would do it’s job. She was right.

And it sounds like you are a much stronger person now who is well equipped to deal with him in court if it came to it.

I hope nothing happened to your son, but you’re right to get some advice this morning. Good luck to both of you.

Goodread1 · 14/04/2023 07:29

Trust your Primeval instinct Op@Snowdropseaaon

It's there for bloody good reason that's for sure !

Mumofnarnia · 14/04/2023 07:42

Minfilia · 14/04/2023 07:24

Well he can try and make up whatever he wants, but without evidence he will get nowhere. Judges see narcissists making up stories every day (seriously).

Two of my friends went through the family courts over their DC and I can assure you that they were looked upon favourably because both maintained a dignified silence and didn’t rise to any of the accusations of MH issues, abuse etc. The judges were far more supportive of them in both cases.

In one case my friends ex kidnapped their child and refused to return her. I asked her why she hadn’t got the biggest men she knew to go and get her daughter back, and she said it was taking everything she had not to storm in there and steal her back but her lawyer said it would not look good on her if she did this and that the court would do it’s job. She was right.

And it sounds like you are a much stronger person now who is well equipped to deal with him in court if it came to it.

I hope nothing happened to your son, but you’re right to get some advice this morning. Good luck to both of you.

Show quote history

Completely agree with this. Courts are very wise to abusers claiming their victims are ‘crazy’ and using tit for tat and points scoring tactics claiming you did this, that and the other and they have information on you blah blah blah! Without evidence of his claims, he will get absolutely nowhere and will just look silly in front of the judge. And even if he did have any evidence, unless it is deemed in some way a safeguarding issue to your child then it’s still unlikely he will get anywhere. Courts are only interested in the children’s best interests and how you can both come to an arrangement about who has the kids and when, they are not interested in tit for tat battles between the parents.
The best response you can give him is no response, let him do the work to get the ball rolling for court and when it does come to going to court, just give them the reasons of why you have concerns, that you stopped contact due to safeguarding reasons and that you want an order in place. Do not get involved in tit for tat battles with your ex, just sit back and let him show himself up in court with his ridiculous claims and made up stories. It’s quite funny to watch actually!

Murdoch1949 · 14/04/2023 07:45

You are totally correct to seek advice from social services. You have noticed changed behaviour in your son, and this could be indicative of sexual abuse, not necessarily, but it could. Talk to his teacher as well, ask if they have noticed any changes. It is very difficult for you, keep a watchful eye to support your boy. Others have advised you to talk to your son about his body, privacy and keeping secrets, which is sensible. I'm sure the social worker will have more advice.

OoooohMatron · 14/04/2023 07:52

YANBU. Even if you are wrong don't take the risk.

blubberball · 14/04/2023 08:13

Glad some sensible people have been commenting. My ex also threatens court and this and that. He hasn't actually done it. Lying comes so easily to them, it's scary.

blubberball · 14/04/2023 08:14

Oh, and my ex also laughs in my face if I raise any concerns about dc.

ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 14/04/2023 08:16

Snowdropseaaon · 14/04/2023 06:13

To clarify a few things in the thread. We don't have a court order. He's been threatening to take me to court for 2 years now and never has done. Mostly this happens when I stand up for myself and my DS eg. The inhalers.

I do get what @LegallyFit is saying. I know of worse things happening to children and social services have said it doesn't meet the threshold. It's so said the system is this way as a few have said children slip through. I've also heard many bar things about the courts too and I am terrified tbh about what rubbish ex is going to make up. I know him well and he will literally do anything to be in control and see DS as much as possible.

I know there is no evidence of SA other than what DS has told me. However my gut is telling me stuff isn't right. It's the way he says goodbye to DS and DS looks uncomfortable. Recently DS has cried ans says he misses me and doesn't want to go to school. This was a behavioural change. He also said he had alot of headaches and bellyaches. He also has become more anxious. Can't go to the toilet alone, just can't be alone in general. Could be something, could be nothing. However abusers as I know with ex likes to hide things which he also encourages DS to do. Ex puts on a front to people ans especially social media that paints him as the perfect person. No one could guess he abused me like he did.

What do I do though. Sit back because no one will do anything or at least try and speak to professionals?

You do what you are doing op, ignore the minimisers and apologists on here.

Brieandme · 14/04/2023 08:22

Amazing how many people can spout off about minimisers and apologists without acknowledging that the OP hadn't shared anything to substantiate her concern until the last couple of posts.

There's an awful lot of transference on this thread. It's not a Mumsnet drama for posters to get caught up in, it's her real life.

LegallyFit · 14/04/2023 08:25

Brieandme · 14/04/2023 08:22

Amazing how many people can spout off about minimisers and apologists without acknowledging that the OP hadn't shared anything to substantiate her concern until the last couple of posts.

There's an awful lot of transference on this thread. It's not a Mumsnet drama for posters to get caught up in, it's her real life.

I completely agree and I find it extremely concerning that so many women are quick to accuse men of SA with nothing to base that accusation on.

Brieandme · 14/04/2023 08:32

@LegallyFit probably the same people who attacked paediatricians back in the day when the word 'paedophile' entered the public consciousness.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. There's been so much bad advice dished out as though it's absolute truth with no thought to what the OP is going through OR whether they have enough information to be so directive. Suits a lot of people's agenda I guess.