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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dsis is neglecting her own child

410 replies

aunty2 · 13/04/2023 15:33

I know neglect is a big word to use, but at this point I'm at my wits end and had enough. I will be careful on how to word this as don't want it to be outing.

I want to start off by saying I love my sister, I know she is a good person, but life hasn't been kind to her and consequently she has derailed quite abit which unfortunately impacts the kids the most negatively. I can't respect her as a mother anymore.

Dsis has 3 children and lives with their dad. They don't have a healthy relationship, that is a whole different thread.

My concern is dnephew. He has been sick for quite a while with this chronic symptoms that won't seem to go. On the outside my nephew looks and seems fine. I've constantly pointed out to dsis and family his symptom doesn't seem right and needs checking upon. He is 6. This has been ongoing for a year now until recently his symptom has got worse and means that he is constantly throwing up. Again he still looks well but the poor thing is suffering and has become normalised to being sick. Me, dparents, and my siblings have all said nephew needs to go to the drs asap. However everytime we say this dsis comes up a list of excuses.

First it was the drs can't see him on the same day

Then it was they won't want to know it's not that bad

Then it was oh well I'm working and bla bla bla.

Thing is dsis constantly makes time for herself and her unhealthy needs. Meanwhile my nephew isn't being prioritised. I can't even book the appointment for him as I have no idea what his Dr is. We are all worried he will suffocate on his own sick in the night. I'm really getting angry about dsis and her behaviour, and also their waste of space dad who can never be held responsible for anything. That child is being failed by his own parents.

What do I do? Aibu to have ago at dsis. I've had enough of being nice about it. My only worry is by confronting dsis she will distance herself and nephew from me which will mean I won't be able to know how he is or what is going on.

OP posts:
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Original poster
aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:47

@MyPurpleHeart NO. I don't know how you interpreted what I said is that

I'm worried that I will be kept from dnephew and then won't be able to know what's going on with him.

Then if something else happens that is bad or worse who will know about it. I'm the only one that takes dnephew out. I'm the only one who calls out dsis.

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 14/04/2023 09:48

So he's only started being sick during these holidays? What were the symptoms before? Does he go back to school on Monday? You could raise your concerns with them.

Morningcoffeeview · 14/04/2023 09:49

aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:47

@MyPurpleHeart NO. I don't know how you interpreted what I said is that

I'm worried that I will be kept from dnephew and then won't be able to know what's going on with him.

Then if something else happens that is bad or worse who will know about it. I'm the only one that takes dnephew out. I'm the only one who calls out dsis.

So stop calling her out, organise your thoughts and concerns - report it. Then go back to DSIS as a loving and supportive sister who will trust you going forwards.

MrsMcisaCt · 14/04/2023 09:51

What a disturbing thread. OP, please be the person who sticks up for this poor boy. Please speak to social services today.

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 14/04/2023 09:53

aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:47

@MyPurpleHeart NO. I don't know how you interpreted what I said is that

I'm worried that I will be kept from dnephew and then won't be able to know what's going on with him.

Then if something else happens that is bad or worse who will know about it. I'm the only one that takes dnephew out. I'm the only one who calls out dsis.

But what is the good of knowing what is going on with him if you aren’t prepared to do anything about it?

If you are genuinely concerned there is a possibility he will choke on his own vomit overnight then you need to act now. Waiting could be fatal.

If that was an overstatement, then there have been plenty of suggestions on how to do this anonymously - NSPCC, school DSL, call SS pretending to be a neighbour.

Could you give a timeline of the symptoms (coughing vomiting anything else) so people can best advise you?

tenterden · 14/04/2023 09:55

First you say he’s been really poorly since half term, now you’re saying it’s just since Easter.

And you appear to have a dubious understanding of what constitutes child abuse.

I really hope this thread isn’t true. 😕

TheBugWife · 14/04/2023 09:59

I'm not sure I have understood, what are the chronic symptoms that have been going on for a year? The cough? and now in the last two weeks it has worsened to the point of vomiting caused by coughing?

If he has had a cough for a whole year how has school not picked up on it.

liveforsummer · 14/04/2023 10:02

TheBugWife · 14/04/2023 09:59

I'm not sure I have understood, what are the chronic symptoms that have been going on for a year? The cough? and now in the last two weeks it has worsened to the point of vomiting caused by coughing?

If he has had a cough for a whole year how has school not picked up on it.

Tbf its the end of winter. There are a lot of chronic coughs in a classroom of 6 year olds, this year more than ever. Dd had whooping cough as a baby and has just grown out of her chronic winter cough now aged 10. School never once mentioned it

Exhibity · 14/04/2023 10:05

CurlyTop1980 · 14/04/2023 09:29

Is there anyway MN I can intervene and report this. ToDAy?

No , I don't think MN get involved

Original poster
aunty2 · 14/04/2023 10:09

@tenterden I thought this was a half term. Someone corrected me in this thread that it's an Easter holiday. Cut me some slack I don't have children in school so I don't know

OP posts:
Exhibity · 14/04/2023 10:10

@aunty2 people are just concerned, if you do nothing then , god forbid, he could get worse, if you report it to the school or SS then there will be more eyes on him.

Original poster
aunty2 · 14/04/2023 10:10

@TheBugWife yes dnephew has had a cough for as long as I can remember. Quite barky and chesty sounding. To me it sounds like asthama

OP posts:
Sleepyandconfused · 14/04/2023 10:19

You have the opportunity to protect a sick, vulnerable child and you are choosing to be a coward and not do it for fear of upsetting his abuser. To be blunt, you don’t have a fucking clue whether he is being physically abused. So many cases of physical abuse come as a shock to family members. The fact is your nephew needs you. With his symptoms he could be very, very sick. For all you know, delaying treatment could cost him his life. Time is of the essence with a lot of serious sicknesses and there is nothing about his symptoms that suggest this is only mild. Considering the state of the NHS at the moment, it takes a bloody long time to get treatment even when you HAVE seen the doctor, so you really don’t have time to spare. Protect the child and stop dithering for goodness sake. Phone social services now.

Exhibity · 14/04/2023 10:21

Did your mum have any luck with her when she spoke to her last ?

liveforsummer · 14/04/2023 10:23

The fact he's left out of things and smacked by a partner is a huge red flag to me - having a chronic cougher my self and working in a classroom of early primary dc the cough alone isn't my biggest worry however the refusal of dr's given the first 2 things I've mentioned to me is telling! Just look at the news - how many dc have been abused and ended up dead at the hands of their parents partner?!

Exhibity · 14/04/2023 10:23

aunty2 · 13/04/2023 16:53

@IForgotMyUsernameAgain coughing. To the point that he can't breath and throws up

This must be so scary for him.

sandyhappypeople · 14/04/2023 10:24

This may have been mentioned before, but has she got a mould problem in her house? or in his bedroom? If she can't afford her rent , she may not be able to afford enough heating to keep it at bay. Also, it builds up in areas that you can't always see (under beds/mattresses, behind furniture etc), it can make little one extremely ill.

It may also explain why he has got worse over easter, because he's home instead of at school so exposure is worse. Do you go in the house when you go round? Could you check for anything like that?

There could be all manor of things going on or there could be a simple explanation, but there's a reason she doesn't want to take him to the doctors and that would concern me most of all.

I wouldn't threaten social services, I'm not sure why you'd even mention it to be fair, you'd either report it or not, if it's been a year that's been plenty of time for her to do something about it, you threatening social services won't make her do anything at this point now except maybe hide what the real problem is, which isn't going to help kiddo in the slightest.

liveforsummer · 14/04/2023 10:31

This may have been mentioned before, but has she got a mould problem in her house? or in his bedroom?

This is definitely a massive contributing factor. I work in a school in a deprived area and there is a huge issue in our city with damp in social housing. One family finally got a move to temporary accommodation after years of complaints and going to the papers but hundreds more are living with it and is affecting their families health

Original poster
aunty2 · 14/04/2023 10:43

@sandyhappypeople the only thing with that is his other two siblings are family as are the parents. I will check next time I go there that there isn't any mold in his room in specific.

OP posts:
whyhelloo · 14/04/2023 11:05

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:11

Because does it occur to you that you are very very very much in the minority here in this thread about your somewhat laissez faire view.

Which made me wander whether you had children

and certainly the family situation you described (a genuinely hypochondriac mother, highly anxious about health and yet for some bizarre reason… didn’t really seem to give much of a fig about her son’s Asthma). That doesn’t strike you as just a touch… odd?

Show quote history

Oh I see, the subtle implication is that my mother was purposely abusing him because she disliked him? Creative but okay lol

I mean anxious doesn't mean mentally insane, if you know your son has asthma, what do you expect the dr to do if you rush him in every day, do a surgical op to magically cure him there and then? 🤣 And again asthma medication is OTC where I'm from

whyhelloo · 14/04/2023 11:07

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:11

Because does it occur to you that you are very very very much in the minority here in this thread about your somewhat laissez faire view.

Which made me wander whether you had children

and certainly the family situation you described (a genuinely hypochondriac mother, highly anxious about health and yet for some bizarre reason… didn’t really seem to give much of a fig about her son’s Asthma). That doesn’t strike you as just a touch… odd?

Show quote history

Yes re minority - realised on this thread asthma meds are prescribed here, someone also pointed out mould, poverty, housing etc are issues here which is why UK parents might seek emergency help for asthma etc

whyhelloo · 14/04/2023 11:08

OP 111, A&E (parental consent not required if emergency), call school - just try something...

sandyhappypeople · 14/04/2023 11:09

aunty2 · 14/04/2023 10:43

@sandyhappypeople the only thing with that is his other two siblings are family as are the parents. I will check next time I go there that there isn't any mold in his room in specific.

It could be with him being the youngest, or if he's got some mild asthma, which this is making worse or his room could be a particular breeding ground for it, depending where it is in the house (above kitchen, leaky roof/window etc), it's such a common thing, and if it's just in the last year it coincides with the cost of living rising dramatically for everyone.

The mould thing can be so hard to keep on top of without proper heating/ventilation, and, if their level of cleanliness isn't up to much or she's struggling with it, she may be worried if she takes him to dr's she may be judged on it, or may worry SS will get involved, there's got to be something going on that's making her defensive, and the more she's being pushed the more she's pushing back unfortunately.

I feel for you OP, it's a hard position to be in, if it was me I'd be inclined to be as supportive as possible, do everything you can to make sure he's being looked after, get him out as much as you can and be a part of their lives, as frustrating as it bloody well is, you really can't do anything from the sidelines.

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 11:15

whyhelloo · 14/04/2023 11:08

OP 111, A&E (parental consent not required if emergency), call school - just try something...

Relief to read your previous relaxed view has now joined the rest of us

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 11:16

What would be a real relief though would be for the op to actually do something

but I think we can all be fairly pessimistic now about that happening