Dsis is neglecting her own child

[aunty2]

I know neglect is a big word to use, but at this point I'm at my wits end and had enough. I will be careful on how to word this as don't want it to be outing.

I want to start off by saying I love my sister, I know she is a good person, but life hasn't been kind to her and consequently she has derailed quite abit which unfortunately impacts the kids the most negatively. I can't respect her as a mother anymore.

Dsis has 3 children and lives with their dad. They don't have a healthy relationship, that is a whole different thread.

My concern is dnephew. He has been sick for quite a while with this chronic symptoms that won't seem to go. On the outside my nephew looks and seems fine. I've constantly pointed out to dsis and family his symptom doesn't seem right and needs checking upon. He is 6. This has been ongoing for a year now until recently his symptom has got worse and means that he is constantly throwing up. Again he still looks well but the poor thing is suffering and has become normalised to being sick. Me, dparents, and my siblings have all said nephew needs to go to the drs asap. However everytime we say this dsis comes up a list of excuses.

First it was the drs can't see him on the same day

Then it was they won't want to know it's not that bad

Then it was oh well I'm working and bla bla bla.

Thing is dsis constantly makes time for herself and her unhealthy needs. Meanwhile my nephew isn't being prioritised. I can't even book the appointment for him as I have no idea what his Dr is. We are all worried he will suffocate on his own sick in the night. I'm really getting angry about dsis and her behaviour, and also their waste of space dad who can never be held responsible for anything. That child is being failed by his own parents.

What do I do? Aibu to have ago at dsis. I've had enough of being nice about it. My only worry is by confronting dsis she will distance herself and nephew from me which will mean I won't be able to know how he is or what is going on.

Half term above should've said Easter – OP says he hasn't been in school since then

Just to amend my earlier post:

I've said multiple times I think this mother is irresponsible. At the same time, how many posts on MN have you seen where a mother hasn't completely stayed on top of a child's chronic cough, or recurring illness? "We thought it was getting better and then it keeps coming back". It would be extremely easy for an otherwise middle class looking mother to claim she was in that category, even though we know she's not.

Re: smacking – it is legal in England and Wales for a carer or parent to discipline their child physically if it is a "reasonable" punishment. Smacking is very, very much within the bounds of legality. I don't hit my own children, don't like the thought of a child being hit, but absolutely no one is going to have their child taken away for smacking.

2 weeks of vomiting – many parents let vomiting bugs run their course in the child. I do think this is a major visible and quantifiable red flag though, especially given the vomiting might be respiratory-illness based, is potentially what could get SS over the legal threshold to get involved.

Sorry to multiple post but I just find the pearl-clutching hysteria on MN so ridiculous and lacking in critical thought – plus, crucially, unhelpful. Get the child in front of an actual doctor first and then you can spam call SS all you want, probably fruitlessly, but you're very free to try.

OP, smacking IS abusive. Maybe it was considered ok when we were kids, but go back to our grandparents and hitting kids in schools with wooden rulers was. Not ok now. Partly because research has now confirmed hitting children (and you can call it smacking if you want but it’s the same as hitting) is damaging to them AND not an effective disciplinary tactic.

No one I know smacks their kids or was as a child but even if they all did and were, It’s not ok. Normalizing doesn’t make it ok.

Seriously.

If you have access to your nephew just make an appointment and take him to your GP and briefly explain the situation - very much doubt the GP would refuse to look at them in this scenario.

Poor daughter

I did try to have dnephew today but was rejected in the end. However I will see him this weekend to assess the situation and see if he is still as bad. If he is I will address with dmum again and potentially tell his school.

Surely, if he is as bad as you say, then the school will pick this up immediately. They will send him home sick on the first day back and will flag it if it appears it is not being dealt with?

Wrong thread

there’s so many bloody depressing threads about children growing up in dire circumstances and no one looking out for them.

You be different OP.

Book an appointment at your GP . Take your nephew and your sister with you. You pay for the appt ( if that is the problem). If it is something like asthma you will leave with a couple of scripts ( you can pay for them too). Then all done for months.

I read a lot of this thread, but not all.

@aunty2 Maybe the smacks are leaving marks and that is why your sister does not want to take him to the doctor.

It’s basically page after page of poster (with the very rare outlier) begging the OP to forget causing tension in the family and PROTECT her nephew by contacting school and / or SS.

and then page after page of her squirming out of doing anything

Gosh! 😬 !

Sorry that was for @whyhelloo 💐

No, smacking is illegal in Wales (I live here):

Had very middle class attentive parents plus nannies - in fact my mum was a major hypochondriac around her own and our health. But generally we just ignored his permanent cough because we knew it was asthma/hay fever.@whyhelloo do you have children?

because if my child had a permanent cough, I would be crawling over hot coals to get to the bottom of the issue and treat it.

a permanent cough would have had such an impact on his quality of life in terms of sport, sleep, everything actually

By just “ignoring” your parents must have realised this and yet the ignored it.

That is awful and I ask if you have children because I am curious whether you would ignore or whether you would seek every avenue for treatment and be very disturbed by your child coughing so very regularly ?

it is legal in England and Wales for a carer or parent to discipline their child physically if it is a "reasonable" punishment

ignore @whyhelloo
all physical punishment is illegal in Wales

Oh sorry @whyhelloo

you do have children

so my question - would you do as your mother did and ignore her son’s permanent cough throughout his childhood?

Sorry, England and NI

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/neglect/

He absolutely IS being abused.

Medical neglect is abuse.

Hahahah yes, if my child was diagnosed with the common childhood condition of asthma or allergies, I would sit outside A&E everyday in homeless rags to doggedly protest the fact that they haven't invented a magical cure yet.

I would quit my job and take Big Pharma to The World Court! I would crowdfund for Top Secret Scientist Lawyers. Mumsnet would flock to chip in for a good cause, I'm sure.

For every single cough they emerged from my child's mouth, I would whip myself once to self-flagellate for the fact that I obviously hate them and delight in abusing them.

I would also make non-stop posts on MN to draw attention to the issue (whatever issue that would be........) in hopes that Social Services and Big Pharma team up to give my child – and all other deserving children in this world! We are the world, we are the children! – a set of bionic replacement lungs. You are my role model in this aspect.

Or I might just buy my child some OTC inhalers, keep personal tabs on their condition over years, and give my child attention and sympathy without disrupting my child's daily schedule, education and life by rushing them into urgent care every single day, and installing a direct line to the hospital and Social Services in my living room.

I appreciate my brother's situation and OP's situation aren't exactly the same, but I've made multiple posts explaining the nuanced similarities and differences, and overall general context. At this point I honestly think you just truly adooooooore the sound of your own voice, so I'll leave you to it!

So the child was diagnosed asthmatic

but still had a constant cough throughout childhood

and it was ignored

no treatment or remedy sought? Asthma can be treated very effectively

so I'll leave you to it!

thank you

Was also wondering this.

Oh dear. There is no magical cure or remedy for asthma. You actually seem to believe there is some magic bionic cure – which might be why you've been continuing this ridiculousness for pages, implying my parents had a poor relationship with my brother(??) and lots of other weird stuff, just because they didn't have access to your top secret classified imaginary magic cure.

I would genuinely say where I'm from, we have a more informed understanding compared to what it seems to be in the UK, if your belief in a magic cure is any indication? Plus, in relation with the unique mould and damp conditions here, asthma is seen as a more complex and alarming condition – sudden deaths etc. Which does legitimise the MN concern. I've said all of this in previous posts.

Generally we take a multi-pronged approach of OTC inhalers, steroids and medication (none are available in the UK), anything else that's prescribed upon doing various tests, exercise/fresh air etc.

Perhaps this is not common knowledge in the UK: overuse of inhalers and medication worsens asthma in the long term. This is a well-documented fact. In many circumstances, no matter how much it pains you, you have to ignore a mild but persistent cough (in terms of medication - not emotions, attention for your child, etc). It's incredibly detrimental and harmful parenting to keep administering your child a quick fix that worsens their condition in the long-term, just to make yourself feel better.

And, as we've been through multiple times, if you rush to the doctor 500 times a year, every single time your child coughs, the doctor will not be able to do anything anyway.

Many children "grow out of it" (before this becomes another one of your conspiracy theories, the medical term is "became asymptomatic", and it's extremely common in children with asthma). Both my brother and I had asthma/coughing which was dealt with before we became asymptomatic – me much, much earlier than him though, so I can barely remember that period.

I've explained multiple times that I wouldn't do the same as this woman, I don't condone her irresponsibility, but in light of the legal SS threshold plus the fact that his school didn't consider his cough a concern for the whole duration, I'm unsure if all the pearl-clutching "you must contact SS now, for the love of god!" posts are counterproductive to the immediate ends of getting the boy to a doctor immediately.

Again, I'll leave you to swoon over the sound of your own voice, actually this time.

Exactly this.
good luck op. Hope he gets some proper treatment soon.

so I'll leave you to it!