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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsis is neglecting her own child

410 replies

aunty2 · 13/04/2023 15:33

I know neglect is a big word to use, but at this point I'm at my wits end and had enough. I will be careful on how to word this as don't want it to be outing.

I want to start off by saying I love my sister, I know she is a good person, but life hasn't been kind to her and consequently she has derailed quite abit which unfortunately impacts the kids the most negatively. I can't respect her as a mother anymore.

Dsis has 3 children and lives with their dad. They don't have a healthy relationship, that is a whole different thread.

My concern is dnephew. He has been sick for quite a while with this chronic symptoms that won't seem to go. On the outside my nephew looks and seems fine. I've constantly pointed out to dsis and family his symptom doesn't seem right and needs checking upon. He is 6. This has been ongoing for a year now until recently his symptom has got worse and means that he is constantly throwing up. Again he still looks well but the poor thing is suffering and has become normalised to being sick. Me, dparents, and my siblings have all said nephew needs to go to the drs asap. However everytime we say this dsis comes up a list of excuses.

First it was the drs can't see him on the same day

Then it was they won't want to know it's not that bad

Then it was oh well I'm working and bla bla bla.

Thing is dsis constantly makes time for herself and her unhealthy needs. Meanwhile my nephew isn't being prioritised. I can't even book the appointment for him as I have no idea what his Dr is. We are all worried he will suffocate on his own sick in the night. I'm really getting angry about dsis and her behaviour, and also their waste of space dad who can never be held responsible for anything. That child is being failed by his own parents.

What do I do? Aibu to have ago at dsis. I've had enough of being nice about it. My only worry is by confronting dsis she will distance herself and nephew from me which will mean I won't be able to know how he is or what is going on.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
G21 · 14/04/2023 09:21

If you’re taking your nephew out, take him to the hospital. You’re with him and concerned with his coughing and general health.

Original poster
aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:21

@Cleoforever dnephew generally gets left out of things alot. Because he is significantly younger than his siblings and can't do what they can

OP posts:
DisquietintheRanks · 14/04/2023 09:22

RedToothBrush · 13/04/2023 16:19

Massive drip feed.

So SS have previously been involved, you have significant concerns but you are NOT reporting it because she might lose the kids??

Hello! Wake up.

If even you as a family member is seeing a problem and have this level of concern, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

If you are letting yourself be emotionally abused and blackmailed by your own mother into not doing something, there is also something very wrong there too and you have some warped priorities going on here.

This is about the little boy, and making sure he is SAFE.

Not family loyalty bullshit.

Show quote history

Well said. OP if you don't act you are basically conniving with the neglect. Writing text messages that are ignored isn't helping these children.

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:25

aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:21

@Cleoforever dnephew generally gets left out of things alot. Because he is significantly younger than his siblings and can't do what they can

Who stays with him?

Morningcoffeeview · 14/04/2023 09:26

I think you should call his school to discuss your concerns. They might have their own and your input might help them build a bigger picture.

CatMattress · 14/04/2023 09:27

I mean, if he's in your care and has a coughing fit that leads to.vomiting I guess you can call 111 or take him to urgent care walk in because you're the responsible adult when he's having that episode. There's that possibility....

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:28

aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:20

@Cleoforever I won't tell you anything more than you need to know on this thread. Everyone I know, friends my age, were smacked as kids. It's really not that shocking and not in need of a thread derail or ss knocking on our doors thanks

Op

your sister is vulnerable and neglectful
her relationship is toxic and riven with drama
her partner smacks (but “isn’t abusive” 🙄)
your mother doesn’t have a spine and seems to be lacking sense
You don’t have a spine and also seem to be lacking sense

and every day that passes this child (and the others I suspect) endure neglect

CurlyTop1980 · 14/04/2023 09:28

This whole post is making me really NERVOUs. I'm a children's Social worker of over 20 years vintage. Newly every single Serious Case Review into a child death or serious harm has been caused by the STEP PARENT / parents partner. Not always the case I know, but it is a theme.

You have to act. The parter is hitting the child, he has not been seen by doctors, he is vomiting. Read the Daniel Pelka serious case review.

This is making me feel sick. You are the person with the information here. Unless you act, nothing will change.

No Social Worker, teacher, police officer or health professional will know anything unless you REPORT this.

This is unbelievable that you are even still sitting on this information.

CurlyTop1980 · 14/04/2023 09:29

Is there anyway MN I can intervene and report this. ToDAy?

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:30

Op this is from a social worker for two decades

This is making me feel sick

Bluebells1970 · 14/04/2023 09:31

Behind every child being abused is an army of enablers.

Family who think but don't act on it for fear of causing offence. Neighbours who hear things and don't want to get involved. School teachers who see bruises but family are aggressive if challenged.

Until society changes and we all act rather than ponder, these children will keep appearing on the news Sad

violetskypurple · 14/04/2023 09:33

Her partner smacks but isn't abusive.

That is abusive.

Jesus Christ put your nephew first and do something about it, take him to the hospital or call social services or do something instead of dicking about on Mumsnet sticking up for your sister and your enabling mother.

Do something.

MyPurpleHeart · 14/04/2023 09:33

To go back to the original post

My concern is dnephew. He has been sick for quite a while with this chronic symptoms that won't seem to go. On the outside my nephew looks and seems fine. I've constantly pointed out to dsis and family his symptom doesn't seem right and needs checking upon. He is 6. This has been ongoing for a year now until recently his symptom has got worse and means that he is constantly throwing up.

Your nephew hasn't just been sick since easter half term though has he

There's a lot of backpeddling going on now and trying to go back on the things you've said.

That child is being let down again and again. You're just the latest in a long list apparently.

violetskypurple · 14/04/2023 09:35

CurlyTop1980 · 14/04/2023 09:28

This whole post is making me really NERVOUs. I'm a children's Social worker of over 20 years vintage. Newly every single Serious Case Review into a child death or serious harm has been caused by the STEP PARENT / parents partner. Not always the case I know, but it is a theme.

You have to act. The parter is hitting the child, he has not been seen by doctors, he is vomiting. Read the Daniel Pelka serious case review.

This is making me feel sick. You are the person with the information here. Unless you act, nothing will change.

No Social Worker, teacher, police officer or health professional will know anything unless you REPORT this.

This is unbelievable that you are even still sitting on this information.

Please read this and do something

CurlyTop1980 · 14/04/2023 09:35

Mumsnet central is there anyway you can reach out to the OP and support her to report this......

houseofchaosandclothes · 14/04/2023 09:37

My dd has similar symptoms, with the difference being that we take her to the doctor regularly. However I can honestly say that on the whole I have been dismissed - children get recurring coughs, maybe its asthma but she's too young to tell, ok lets give you these inhalers and see. With the vomiting we're now on a very long waiting list to see a consultant.

This isn't at all to suggest this child doesn't need to see a doctor, or that this couldn't be something more serious. And its obviously parental neglect. But, I would just be wary that one doctor's trip is unlikely to suddenly 'expose' the mother's behaviour. Its possible the child has a chronic cough. Its possible the child is extremely anxious due to their home environment and has reflux from that anxiety causing initially the cough and now the vomiting. Obviously its important that the child is seen, and see quickly. But if this is a chronic condition, a one-off intervention to go to the doctor may not fix it. It will need ongoing support -the answer may be 'ok try these inhalers and report back' which will require the parents giving the inhaler, and going back to the doctor.

I think the OP needs to look at this not just as a critical one-off need to see a GP, but how to ensure the child is looked after on an on-going basis.

You don't know the GP, but do you know the school? Could you confidentially meet with the safeguarding lead, and see if they can pay attention and start raising the cough with the mother? Tbh a child coughing all the time isn't so unusual it would necessarily have been noticed by the teacher unless they have a reason. And strategically one of either you or your mother or brother needs to stay in contact. It is v v important he has medical attention but I would be wary of seeing it as a silver bullet. The wider problem here is what is causing your dsis to cover this up.

Morningcoffeeview · 14/04/2023 09:38

CurlyTop1980 · 14/04/2023 09:28

This whole post is making me really NERVOUs. I'm a children's Social worker of over 20 years vintage. Newly every single Serious Case Review into a child death or serious harm has been caused by the STEP PARENT / parents partner. Not always the case I know, but it is a theme.

You have to act. The parter is hitting the child, he has not been seen by doctors, he is vomiting. Read the Daniel Pelka serious case review.

This is making me feel sick. You are the person with the information here. Unless you act, nothing will change.

No Social Worker, teacher, police officer or health professional will know anything unless you REPORT this.

This is unbelievable that you are even still sitting on this information.

Is the partner a step parent? I assumed parent. I might be wrong.

I’m really surprised by your reaction, I agree it needs reporting but my own experience of social services is that they often don’t react to this kind of thing. I’m pleased you think it’s worthy of concern though.

Maybe you could message the OP and let her know who she can talk to/how to report this?

Morningcoffeeview · 14/04/2023 09:40

@houseofchaosandclothes

I think the OP needs to look at this not just as a critical one-off need to see a GP, but how to ensure the child is looked after on an on-going basis.

I agree and think thats why OP needs to be tactful her and maintain good relations with her sister. if she goes in all guns blazing and this cough is something and nothing it will look like hysteria and discredit OP. It’s the bigger picture that’s concerning too and OP can better monitor that as a friend to her DSIS. It won’t help her nephew if she’s cut off from him.

Original poster
aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:41

Dnephew is NOT being physically abused for god sake. I'm not having this thread escalate into something it's not.

OP posts:
Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:42

aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:41

Dnephew is NOT being physically abused for god sake. I'm not having this thread escalate into something it's not.

From someone who doesn’t regard the partner smacking as abusive behaviour

😡

Original poster
aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:43

@Morningcoffeeview this is the thing. Since I've brought it all up to dsis if I report anything right now she will know it's me. Its only ever me airing concerns like this to her usually. And I've been on her case for the whole two weeks.

If I do this and it amounts to nothing that will be it. I will never be trusted to have him again or see him and then what.

OP posts:
Original poster
aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:45

@Cleoforever I'm glad you weren't smacked as a child but it doesn't mean everyone else on the planet who does it is abusive. That's a very dramatic take on it. As long as it isn't powerful or leaves a mark I don't think a smack is bad. I don't personally do it. But I don't judge others that do

OP posts:
MyPurpleHeart · 14/04/2023 09:45

aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:43

@Morningcoffeeview this is the thing. Since I've brought it all up to dsis if I report anything right now she will know it's me. Its only ever me airing concerns like this to her usually. And I've been on her case for the whole two weeks.

If I do this and it amounts to nothing that will be it. I will never be trusted to have him again or see him and then what.

So you're more worried how this affects you than the child?

Morningcoffeeview · 14/04/2023 09:46

aunty2 · 14/04/2023 09:43

@Morningcoffeeview this is the thing. Since I've brought it all up to dsis if I report anything right now she will know it's me. Its only ever me airing concerns like this to her usually. And I've been on her case for the whole two weeks.

If I do this and it amounts to nothing that will be it. I will never be trusted to have him again or see him and then what.

This is exactly why you should report it - or even discuss with the school so any resulting report comes from them. You can distance yourself from the report. If you stay silent that’s absolutely the wrong thing to do.

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 09:46

You are appalling Op

this entire family is

I’ll bow out

so depressing to know these children (and I include the OP’s children if she has any) exist in family set ups like this