My mum said she wasn’t sure who she’d put first, my dad or us children

[Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance]

It seems a very easy choice for me…my Dd comes first over Dp, I love him and would be heartbroken if anything happened to him, but isn’t it natural to put your child/children first?

I think it's normal to feel that way for a dependant child especially so young. But I think your assumptions about feelings when said child is 40yrs old with a family or responsibilities of their own are a probably not quite accurate.

When your daughter doesn't need you anymore you will develop other priorities, naturally, and in time other people will need you more like your Dp. Human instinct is to protect the most vulnerable, those who need you most to survive. And who that person is will change.

Doesn't mean you love them any less, it's just survival instinct.

Well it is unlikely to be a choice you would ever be asked to make so why go there? As someone widowed relatively young with a young child and having worked with parents whose children have life limiting illnesses- both are devastating and change every one's life in a way that cannot begin to be imagined until you have lived through it. I have no words to describe the huge bomb that was set off when DH died, the feelings, emptiness, lack of control in that the future we had planned was just went overnight then just every day life not being like it was before. Why would you even want to have this conversation?

Parents naturally will put their children first when it’s needed or necessary, it’s an unspoken agreement between the parents obviously, but when the children are adults I don’t think parents should need to put them first anymore.

The love you have for your kids as adults is a different kind of love from that you had when they were five. And that's necessary because a) you wouldn't be able to let them go if you maintained that kind of intensity, and b) it would be horribly stifling for an adult to have such a protective, risk averse and needy mother.

And yes, I'd save my Grandaughter before my daughter. It'd be instinctive, and it would be what my DD would want me to do.

I cant answer the adult child or DH one because I was widowed just as my DDs reached adulthood.

I remember answering this question on MN many years ago when my DC were small boys and of course, it would always be them. DH are strapping strong adults and they are small children in need of protection.

And now, hmmm not so much. DH and I are still pretty hale and hearty but with the first twinges of getting older starting to appear and my sons are now large men (well DS1 at 19 certainly is and DS2 is not far behind him).

Things shift as children grow up and away.

DS1 has a life completely apart from our family unit now and that is wonderful and completely as it should be, while I think I would still instinctively seek to protect him if it came to it physically now, realistically if there was saving to be done it would be him making the choices not me.

Financially/emotionally? Well neither of ours will ever be hungry or homeless while it is within our power to stop that, but no I don't see it as my life's work to hand over everything we have to them while we are alive.

We have equipped them well and they are immensely privileged and will be given any 'leg up' we can, but if DH or I need something then I think it is appropriate for us to prioritise ourselves over the boys sometimes.

Things change. I always approached parenting with the view that my job was to make myself obsolete, I seem to have achieved that with DS1. He loves us and spends a lot of time at home chilling still, but has his own life with his friends. Sorted out his Uni and his job and is saving well, all with support and guidance of course but if we vanished tomorrow he would be OK. DS2 younger, but hopefully same path.

So with that in mind. Depending on the context, no, I wouldn't always choose my DC over my DH now. Because they don't need, or necessarily want me to.

Who do I love the most is a different answer to 'who would I protect instinctively in a danger situation'

I love my DH the most. He loves me most. It makes for a secure and stable marriage and family unit with our four children.

Who would I protect in a danger situation? The children. I would assume that DH, with his wise maturity and capability, is better able to protect himself. So logical decision. I still love him most tho, while also loving my children intensly. The capacity to love doesn't have limits.

No brainer, child should always come first, whatever their age.

I find it very uncomfortable that my 78 year old mother is expected to put me first. Why would she need to do that? She and my Dad have raised me well enough that I don't need them to prioritise me over each other.

Us kids were always second. I've made peace with it now.

If your children are 30/40 with established adult lives, then putting them before your spouse/partner would be a very odd thing and suggests something very wrong with your own relationship.

My children always come first in my life over everything and if given the choice to save my children or my husband I don't even need to think twice on that one. The love I have for my babies is like no other.

And indicates a remarkable self centeredness and immaturity on the part of the adult child who thinks she should come first.

Well clearly your an adult so yes I would expect your mum to now put her other half first

@ThatsAboutEnoughOfThat Best and wisest post of the thread.

First in what though? It completely depends on who needs and wants what, as to what is prioritised. These threads are always weird.

We’re a family, there’s usually a best approach to whatever the situation is at the time. We all need to be ok and happy for the rest of us to be ok and happy.

I really like this answer. I think it's the same for my parents, and I can appreciate that.

I've heard this question before, and there was a woman in America who got hammered for saying she would save her husband before her children.
I would save the kids first but would completely understand my mum choosing my dad- they are inseparable. So each to their own.

Well given you have your own family, maybe she's now closer to her husband. Weird conversation to have anyway!

I am not sure why you are doing this popular code drip feeding thing?

I remember asking my mum silly questions when I was younger, I asked if she had to chose to die out of me or my dad who would she pick? She said me, I'm sure she said she loved him more than us kids too. They are the type of parents who should of never had kids though.

DM said she sulked for days when DF told her in a fire he'd save us kids before her. I was "wtf?". She told me this when I was in my 20s but their conversation happened when we were young children.

A few years later I had DS and she said "ah hah, I bet now you feel the same and would want your DH to rescue you before Babygufo". Again, WTF, no.

I've always said a parent shouldnt have to bury a child

When dh died , almost 12yrs ago now - wow time does fly - my whole world was shattered and heart broke in a million pieces - but I wasn't a mum

Now I have dd6. She is my world

Yes I met my 2nd dh who mended my broken heart and I love dearly and we had dd

But I cope with first dh dying. Yes was hard

But if dd died it would be awful. I don't know how parents cope with that

Where if dh2 died I would survive as cooed with dh1 dying

Not sure if that makes sense

I wonder if it's a generation thing. Both my parents gave me the same advice when I had kids: always put your husband before your child, in everything, always love him more. Explains a lot about them. Fortunately my husband looked as bewildered as me.