My mum said she wasn’t sure who she’d put first, my dad or us children

[Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance]

It seems a very easy choice for me…my Dd comes first over Dp, I love him and would be heartbroken if anything happened to him, but isn’t it natural to put your child/children first?

Yeah I’m not clear either. It isn’t completely cut and dry for me that I would “always put my children first” - eg right now they’re little and DH is a fit and able adult, so yes I would help them first in a house fire. But in 20 years say DH had developed a mobility issue and my kids were fit and able adults, I’d help him first. Is that what you mean, that even in those different circumstances your instinct would still always be your (adult) kids first?

The house fire hypothetical feels a bit dramatic but I can’t really think of any day to day examples where I have to choose between DH and our kids? We both try to make decisions based on what’s best for the kids rather than ourselves I suppose, but that’s by mutual agreement not me choosing them.

It’s called protecting the weak and innocent, the very young, the ones who depend on us. The ones we are called to defend, guide, raise, protect. And that feeling of protection we feel can very well last even when the children are grown up.

Unless something unspeakable happens I will put my DS before my DP for as long as I'm alive. DP is an independent adult, I chose to bring DS into the world. If he needs me I'll do everything in my power to help.

@MysteryBelle I mean, this is basic ethics 101. If there were a fire, do you go find your toddler or child, or do you go straight out of the house with your spouse? Come on.

Obviously I would go find my child, but wouldn’t your opposite example of going straight out of the house with my spouse be putting MYSELF first over my child? I don’t see how it would be picking the spouse over the child?

(Apparently I do need it spelled out for me, sorry!)

I think culture plays a huge part in the ‘who comes first?’ question tbh. I found this after a quick Google:

https://amp.scroll.in/article/814536/working-across-cultures-which-family-member-will-you-save-if-your-boat-starts-sinking

Participants from the Middle East or China usually chose their mother. Their argument? “My mother gave me life and that is irreplaceable. By comparison, I can always have another spouse or child.”

Participants from the United States usually chose their spouse. Their reasoning: “My spouse is my partner for life. In contrast, my mother has already had a full life, and I can always have more children.”

Participants India and some European countries usually chose their child, the logic being that the child represents the future and has most of his or her life ahead. They often reassured me that, in any case, the mother and spouse would also wish them to save the child.

My mum is extremely religious and always made it abundantly, explicitly clear that she put God first in all things.

This was very clear to me and my siblings as children, when we were dumped with anyone who would take us, however unsuitable, while she went off to do "God's work" in places from which there was no guarantee of safe return.

Depends who has the greater need at the time. It’s the same for choosing between DC as well. I’d try and help any DC and DH if needed at the same time, but if the need is beyond my capacity and I have to choose, it would be by greatest need.

Do you mean like, if someone had a gun to their heads and you had to choose which one died?

If you are 40s then obviously she would choose her spouse. U.der 25 you.

Possibly a conversation you should never have started tbh OP 😅

It’s interesting though reading the responses. As it stands, I’d step over my DH’s burning body to get to my DC without even a second thought. However, I probably wouldn’t tell him that and I’ll say something more diplomatic like “gosh, yes that would be an impossible decision”.

“Surely it’s always your child, just instinctively”

I think the dynamic shifts when your child becomes an independent younger adult and you start edging towards pensioner territory.

I would put my DD’s first, whether they’re 5 or 45 that won’t ever change. DP knows this & I think agrees. If he chose to save me over one of our children (in extreme circumstances) I would never forgive him.

You have problems I can’t help you with. I’m sorry too.

But to spell it out to the nth degree, as long as the spouse is ok that is all that matters so, you’d go straight out of the house with the spouse, escorting the spouse all the way to safety, since the spouse is your number one priority. The child can fend for himself or herself, especially if out of diapers. Any sane and loving parent will say their child, no matter how old, will always be their child. If anyone cannot relate to this, they’ve got a screw loose somewhere.

There is a disturbing and weird anti-child sentiment in society and today’s culture, I’m not sure what it is, as if it’s ok to let a child be victimized or experimented with, or not worthy of protection like within this thread. I think it’s sinister. Examples in society would be the wide acceptance and aggressive agenda to sexualize children, steering very young children, preteens, and teens into trans ideology, pushing drugs, hormones, and mutilation of their sexual organs. This is one of many examples of the powers that be pushing weird agendas on children. Drag queens in charge of library story hour. Instead of say, doctors who save children’s lives from disease and do not harm them, or many other options, but no, it has to be a drag queen. The people who run the world are pushing this garbage.

I hope that has been spelled out enough for you. Yes, I went off on a rant but your obtuse attitude reminded me of the people who just go along with whatever is fed them, no matter how crazy. Like Dylan Mulvaney getting paid millions to play a parody of a ‘vacuous’ teen girl who only cares about makeup and preening, millions to sell global brand Nike’s bras to women. Men taking over women’s sports, women’s changing rooms, bathrooms. We are living under the wacky “rules” of very demented people.

It won't ever change

Don't be so sure. When my DF was seriously ill then absolutely my DM would say him and not me.

My initial response is of course I'd put my kids first. But what one of my kids grew up to be an arsehole? I mean I hope Ive brought them up to be nice people but what if they're not?

this choice happens every day in households dealing with problems of addiction or abuse. It is a choice faced by families who have to decide if they will allow an adult offering to donate an organ to a parent. It isn’t just a philosophical question involving unlikely scenarios like being caught in the titanic or in an asteroid strike.

I wouldn't ask the question personally, but I would expect that, as her children are all independent adults, my dm to put my df first. Why would it be any other way? Your life partner should be your priority once your children are fully fledged adults. I find it strange to be offended by anything else. My dc are teens, so they are mine and my dh's priority, and whilst they will always be precious to us and we would help them whether they needed it or not, we won't be prioritising them over each other in 30 year time!

@whumpthereitis that was so interesting, thanks for sharing!

My siblings and I always knew my parents loved each other more than us. It made for a wonderfully secure and stable upbringing. They have been married for nearly seventy years.

Children first then it would depend on circumstances between dh and dgc. Life and death dc, dgc, dh.

I always thought I’d choose my husband before I had children and I’d want him to choose me.

But now I have them it’s no contest at all. I would drop him off the cliff immediately if I had him or the children holding one hand each!

I’d also be furious with him if he would choose me over them now!

(Feel I need to add that I love him very much and would be devastated if anything happened to him!)

I really don’t understand the choosing the spouse thing 🙈regardless of dcs age

Also, the studies from around the world is so interesting, but so bizarre to say ‘Well I can just have another child’ Surely that’s not the point!

You might, when they've fled the nest, flew to the other side of the world, and your husband has been your support network through all of life's trials and tribulations.

@GoodChat Perhaps you’re right, seems sad to me though and I’m not sure why