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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum said she wasn’t sure who she’d put first, my dad or us children

173 replies

Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 15:27

It seems a very easy choice for me…my Dd comes first over Dp, I love him and would be heartbroken if anything happened to him, but isn’t it natural to put your child/children first?

OP posts:
whathaveidonetomydc · 13/04/2023 18:46

Depends on their age and the dynamic of the relationship. There was a thread here years ago about people saying they prioritised their dogs over their adult dc!

Original poster
Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 18:47

@Partyandbullshit I see my Dd as part of me forever…I thought that was pretty standard, I’m quite surprised by some of the replies

OP posts:
whathaveidonetomydc · 13/04/2023 18:50

@Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance is your dd very young? I think it's totally normal to think like that when they are small and totally dependent on you. But as they approach adulthood and make choices you disapprove of they become separate people.

chimayrah1 · 13/04/2023 18:51

Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 18:47

@Partyandbullshit I see my Dd as part of me forever…I thought that was pretty standard, I’m quite surprised by some of the replies

No offence OP but your DD is very young. As she gets older she will make her own life and you will need yours too.

You still haven't really explained what you mean by "putting them first" though.

Original poster
Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 18:53

@whathaveidonetomydc Yes, she’s 5, I understand to a point, but also completely don’t…won’t I always love her as intensely? Is that what happens? I realise I may not agree with her choices, we may grow further apart and I may not even like her that much (it upsets me to even think like this) but, that connection, it’s there always, isn’t it?

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 13/04/2023 18:53

My parents were divorced by the time I was an adult and my mum wouldn't have spat on my dad if he was on fire. Grin

I do think these type of hypothetical scenario conversations are the road to hell though.

Butchyrestingface · 13/04/2023 18:54

Yes, she’s 5, I understand to a point, but also completely don’t…won’t I always love her as intensely? Is that what happens?

Who would you choose between your child and your grandchild?

Original poster
Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 18:55

@chimayrah1 Ok, well if it came down to it (awful thought) but a life and death situation for example

OP posts:
chimayrah1 · 13/04/2023 18:56

Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 18:53

@whathaveidonetomydc Yes, she’s 5, I understand to a point, but also completely don’t…won’t I always love her as intensely? Is that what happens? I realise I may not agree with her choices, we may grow further apart and I may not even like her that much (it upsets me to even think like this) but, that connection, it’s there always, isn’t it?

Of course you'll always love her, but you loving her is not putting her first, is it? To me "putting someone first" means their needs are your number one priority at all times, you'll self sacrifice and go without to give them what they need - and whilst that's quite normal when they're children, doing that to the same extent for an adult child would be quite unhealthy IMO. My mum does loads for me but I wouldn't expect her to prioritise my needs over hers, not as an adult.

Original poster
Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 18:56

@Butchyrestingface I obviously don’t have grandchildren, but again, my instinct is my child, always my child

OP posts:
chimayrah1 · 13/04/2023 18:57

Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 18:55

@chimayrah1 Ok, well if it came down to it (awful thought) but a life and death situation for example

I think pretty much everyone here has said they would save their child in that situation. I can't really think of a situation where it would happen tbh though so it's a bit of a pointless question to even ask or think about.

Partyandbullshit · 13/04/2023 18:59

Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 18:53

@whathaveidonetomydc Yes, she’s 5, I understand to a point, but also completely don’t…won’t I always love her as intensely? Is that what happens? I realise I may not agree with her choices, we may grow further apart and I may not even like her that much (it upsets me to even think like this) but, that connection, it’s there always, isn’t it?

Put it like this: when my first child was born, I had one of those baby cams over her cot which projected her sleeping image onto the TV I was watching in the living room...the other side of the wall 😅

That there was a mix of frenzied, crazy love and obsession which has now (thankfully, else I don't know how I'd survive at that intensity!) settled down into a mixture of pride, delight, relish, relief and confidence that she's showing all signs of becoming a well-rounded, self-sufficient woman who can stand up to anyone. Same for my second DC.

Of course I will love them until the day I die. My DPs tell me that however fierce your love of your DC is, your love of your GDC is much more so because you worry your hapless DC are in charge (😂) and you also know/hope you won't be around to see all of them.

Don't bother yourself about this. It's not a reflection of your mother's love for you or yours for your DD's. You both love your children more than enough.

Butchyrestingface · 13/04/2023 18:59

Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 18:56

@Butchyrestingface I obviously don’t have grandchildren, but again, my instinct is my child, always my child

I appreciate you don't yet have grandchildren.

But do you find it difficult to understand, for instance, why a grandparent would privilege saving their grandchild over their child in a life-or-death situation?

chimayrah1 · 13/04/2023 19:00

I would never speak to my mum again if she chose to save me over my child, frankly.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 13/04/2023 19:03

chimayrah1 · 13/04/2023 19:00

I would never speak to my mum again if she chose to save me over my child, frankly.

Pretty much as I’d live with my child’s death on my conscience forever

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 13/04/2023 19:04

Your child won’t need you in same way at 15 as at 5 or at 25 OP

Original poster
Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 19:05

@Butchyrestingface No I don’t find that difficult to understand at all and logic says that is the right thing to do. I’m sorry, I’m just being honest here.

OP posts:
Singapore4 · 13/04/2023 19:05

ItsThePlayBusDingDing · 13/04/2023 15:37

How did that conversation even come about?

It depends on the context as well. In an argument, or if you were both hanging off a cliff and she could only save one, or as next if kin in her life insurance.... there's a million scenarios, and it's not always black and white.

This

BreathingDeep · 13/04/2023 19:07

I remember, aged 5 or so, asking my mum the question 'if you could only save one of us, who would it be' and she said my stepdad. It was a light, throwaway comment, but has stayed with me for life.

I adore my mum and we are very close, but I remember this every now and then and wonder what possessed her to give the answer that she did. I was a quiet, anxious and insecure child, dealing with parents who had split up and both parents moving on and making new families, and wasn't ever sure where I fit in, and this just hammered home my lack of importance.

HazyDragon · 13/04/2023 19:10

We were watching Titanic once and when it got to the 'women and children first' scene at the boats, my mum said that she would put us kids on a boat and stay with my dad.

I thought then (and still do now) that that is horrible and what mother would leave her young children alone in the world to drown with her husband?

But I think the reason it upsets me most is because it's true, she's always been more interested in pleasing my dad than looking after her children.

It's not reciprocated though. My dad is his own number one, while demanding he is everyone else's.

FrippEnos · 13/04/2023 19:11

I think that this is a type of question that is bound to cause an argument and is better not being asked unless you can deal with an answer that you don't like.

MysteryBelle · 13/04/2023 19:12

elizzza · 13/04/2023 18:33

@MysteryBelle genuinely not trying to be obtuse! Honestly the original ethical question struck me as a bit like those “would you still love me if I was a worm” questions - I was struggling to imagine the actual circumstances in which I would ever need to choose between DH and my children, which made it difficult for me to answer honestly. Your example didn’t help, why would I “escort” my adult husband out?

Not sure why you then wildly veered off into a rant any Dylan Mulveany but okay sure, I’m the one who needs help 👍🏻

@elizzza, when I saw your name in my notifications, I did think I need to apologize to you and I was relieved when I clicked on the link that like your first response to me, your second response was mild as well. You didn’t deserve the pile on I gave you, so apologies for that.

You may have a more literal mind than me, because I can easily think of hypothetical scenarios!

knobheadex · 13/04/2023 19:14

If my Dad were still alive my Mum would absolutely prioritise him over us four adult children. And I'm really glad about that.

She gave everything she had and sacrificed so much when raising us as children and of course we'd always come first when we were dependent. But we're not anymore, we're adults and she's no longer responsible for us in the same sense.

I wish he was still here to grow old with her and show her just a fraction of the love and care she gave us growing up. I know if he had been here still they'd be so happy in their retirement together. 😢

SweetSakura · 13/04/2023 19:15

Totally understandable by the time your children are adults.

knobheadex · 13/04/2023 19:17

chimayrah1 · 13/04/2023 19:00

I would never speak to my mum again if she chose to save me over my child, frankly.

But that wasn't the scenario OP questioned about.