My mum said she wasn’t sure who she’d put first, my dad or us children

[Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance]

It seems a very easy choice for me…my Dd comes first over Dp, I love him and would be heartbroken if anything happened to him, but isn’t it natural to put your child/children first?

For me children first when they are young and then when they are grown, self sufficient and have their own life then DP. Children will grow and leave a parents job is to prepare them for being their own person, in my opinion. DP will (hopefully) be my partner for life.

When they are children/ still dependent, then yes of course children come first. I cant see why that should continue into their adulthood. You'd expect your mum to drop everything for you as an adult? Support, advice etc yes, but to put the child before a partner doesn't make sense, other than in a very serious or emergency situation.

Of course in the real event of an emergency fire type situation the adult DC are far more likely to need to assist the parent than the parent assist the DC so maybe you should ask (assuming you have 2 loving parents) which parent would you save? Or could you forgive DH if he got his mother out of a fire and left yours to perish?

She's looking at it from the point of view of an older woman with independent adult children. You're viewing it as a mother with young dependent children. It's different.

You, too, will get to a stage in your life where you will no longer be needed by your children. They will be living their own life, making their own futures. You will just be a side character in their world. But your life won't stop. You will still have living to do. And if you have a partner, he will be the more/most active, present, person in your life. That's your companion.

My parents have been together 50 years and I would always expect them to pick each other first if there was an emergency. We have all grown up have individual families of our own. My DC are young so both myself and DP would pick our kids first in an emergency if one happened now but probably would be different later in life I not 100% sure. Hopefully we are never in a situation to choose.

It depends. My DH and his first wife split up when the children were young adults because she always put them first. He wasn’t allowed any say regarding discipline, was always belittled if he dared say “ no “ . Had chances for weekends away, just the two of them, but she’d cry the entire time and they’d go home. That’s an extreme case, but I do think DH has to be first sometimes, a team.

@Rosesandstars Thank you for being so kind. My mother has made me well aware of her outlook by saying it and how she acts. There's no hate like Christian love eh. She asks me for help a lot and I have to be very guarded in how much I do for her.

I'd always choose my DC over my dh. No contest and he's the same.

However, when my DC are adults I want them to move out eventually and me to continue living with DH. I'd be more miserable if DH and me split up and my DC never left home. I suspect most people feel the same which confuses me a bit.

I do think it's age related. My parents and DHs parents have both been together for well over 50 years.
I would expect them to choose eachother now.

i think until kids have grown up and flown the nest it’s hard for me to imagine putting anyone else above them.
I have a friend who has a (disfunctional) relationship with a bloke who has taken a dislike to her younger son. The bloke has said he doesn’t want him in the house anymore and my friend has asked him to leave - at 14 years old. Luckily he has a very involved Dad who he is now living with permanently. I really struggle to understand how she could side with this man over her own son.

I’ve read all the OPs posts and unless I’ve missed it, I can’t tell what the scenario is-
-life or death - save my child
-food scenario - prob DH
-seating scenario - prob DH
-give a lift to - whoever’s the least annoying!

Aside from silly ‘you can only save one’ hypotheticals…… I laughed at the poster who thought she’d posted an amazing GOTCHA with whether you’d go to your kid or your husband if there was a fire but obviously hadn’t thought if your kid’s a fully mobile adult and your husband isn’t, you might prioritize differently.

Nobody in our house is always the priority. I never really understand it when step-parents are told ‘his kids will always come first as they should’, really? It’s normal for a child to ALWAYS come first? Or do priorities change depending on the situation, who will be most adversely impacted, which priority is easiest to achieve etc. We’re not prioritising our child when we go away for a weekend together, we’re prioritising our marriage and each other.

I hate conversations like this, what do you think it serves to centre someone to that degree? It can be suffocating to the person and diminishing to the excluded, why do we need to pit partners against children? It's not necessary, they are different relationships, serving different purposes with different needs. It is juvenile to rank them.

So is the question is who you'd be sadder about if they died? Cause putting someone first on it's own doesn't mean anything caus either would depend on the situation.

I think when you have grandchildren you would put them above your child actually. Eg if social services asked I think most people would take in and raise their grandkids if possible.

There are many, many children currently having abusive childhoods because their parents are putting their partner above their child. That's why we need to have this conversation.

Putting a partners wants above the needs of a child is very wrong, but that isn't what the OP was asking. It was do adult DC come before a spouse in terms of priority.

Agreed. This is a batshit crazy hypothetical thread 🙈 I gave up after P2 of responses.

There are many, many children currently having abusive childhoods because their parents are putting their partner above their child. That's why we need to have this conversation.

No we really don't, a pathetic conversation between two fully grown women on who loves who more is not conducive to fixing child abuse. These ridiculous conversations will not fix what is an entirely separate issue.

I think my mum would choose me, even though I'm all grown up now.

However, I think my dad would choose my mum over me. It doesn't bother me. I think he'd have chosen me when I was tiny, and that's what matters.

@cloudonego Are you always this rude?

It wasn’t a *Pathetic conversation between us.

Find some manners.

@Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance I'm not at the dinner table, I'm in AIBU anonymously on an internet forum. I think conversations like the one you're having are pathetic and unnecessary. Welcome to mumsnet.

Why would you ask that in the first place ?

@cloudonego I've been here for years…ahh yes, anonymously you can be as rude and mean as you like, good for you 👍

@Dente It was related to something we were watching on the television, we started chatting and the conversation evolved. It wasn’t something I just asked outright all of a sudden