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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum said she wasn’t sure who she’d put first, my dad or us children

173 replies

Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 15:27

It seems a very easy choice for me…my Dd comes first over Dp, I love him and would be heartbroken if anything happened to him, but isn’t it natural to put your child/children first?

OP posts:
Raquelos · 13/04/2023 15:33

Depends on age and life stage tbh. Also a bit on whether your kids have grown up into people you like.

StreamingCervix · 13/04/2023 15:34

How old are her children?

putting them first in what?

purplecorkheart · 13/04/2023 15:36

It is very hard to comment given the lack of information you have given.

AnnaMagnani · 13/04/2023 15:36

Put first for what?

It's also normal for this to change over time and depending on the circumstances.

Nothingbuttheglory · 13/04/2023 15:36

How did this conversation come about?

ItsThePlayBusDingDing · 13/04/2023 15:37

How did that conversation even come about?

It depends on the context as well. In an argument, or if you were both hanging off a cliff and she could only save one, or as next if kin in her life insurance.... there's a million scenarios, and it's not always black and white.

heartbreakhotel20 · 13/04/2023 15:37

My mum has always said my dad comes first and has proved it time and again. Even as an adult I resent this and don't feel that way about my son

Adelant · 13/04/2023 15:38

If you have flown the coop and her husband is now her companion, I can see why she would put him first. You’re not a kid anymore, yiu are old enough to make your own choices.

Would your put your mum ahead of your dp? If not, why should she put you first?

Devoutspoken · 13/04/2023 15:38

I have heard it said, partners should come very high up as your kids will grow up and leave home one day

Original poster
Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 15:38

We’re all grown adults in 30/40’s

I do get it different when they’re older.

Just first in things, I said I’d always put Dd first, I’d be more bereft if anything happened to Dd. Not the nicest conversation. She said she wasn’t sure and it was a very difficult one..it is, but my automatic thought is of Dd always coming first.

OP posts:
ConsuelaHammock · 13/04/2023 15:39

Depends on the age of the children. My mum would choose my dad over us. I’m ok with that.

HikingforScenery · 13/04/2023 15:40

Adelant · 13/04/2023 15:38

If you have flown the coop and her husband is now her companion, I can see why she would put him first. You’re not a kid anymore, yiu are old enough to make your own choices.

Would your put your mum ahead of your dp? If not, why should she put you first?

Exactly this!

Original poster
Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 15:41

@Adelant I’m not sure who Dd would put first when she’s older and I don’t mind. But, to me, it’s naturally my first thought to put my child first

I’m not bothered by her dithering over this at all, I understand it, just curious who others would put first.

Surely it’s always your child, just instinctively

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 13/04/2023 15:43

Maybe she didnt want to answer out loud. So said not sure.

Maybe it bugged her if you brought it up expecting to hear her say same.

Maybe she worries next hypothetical will be which siblings is the priority or that it will be said to dad as a joke.

I think while children are dependants it is a much more obvious choice and when they are grown your partner is a bigger/equal priority again.

Who knows, dont worry about it or judge your mum for not instantly saying you.

BrokenWing · 13/04/2023 15:44

I would put ds(19) first right now.

But I can also she how my mum and dad in their 50s+ put each other first. We had flown the nest and were independent adults, they were leading our own lives with each other.

I can absolutely see dh and I will get to that stage of our lives too.

ItsThePlayBusDingDing · 13/04/2023 15:44

Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 15:38

We’re all grown adults in 30/40’s

I do get it different when they’re older.

Just first in things, I said I’d always put Dd first, I’d be more bereft if anything happened to Dd. Not the nicest conversation. She said she wasn’t sure and it was a very difficult one..it is, but my automatic thought is of Dd always coming first.

You had a discussion with your mum about the deaths that would make you feel the saddest?

There was no winning here for her.

Not only was it an odd, and probably offensive, conversation to have, but you can't predict or plan these things.

Move on and forget about it.

ConsuelaHammock · 13/04/2023 15:46

I have a close friend who was widowed a few years ago. At the time she confided in me that she wished one of her children had died instead. Her reasons being her husband could comfort her and she wouldn’t be alone. I thought this was incredibly sad for her children.
You only have to read the cases of children abused by their mother’s new boyfriend to realise that a lot of women will choose a man over their own children. Depends on the woman I suppose.
Children should come first when they are dependent but husband should
come first when they have become independent.

Xrays · 13/04/2023 15:46

Maybe she’s aware you love your dad and she didn’t want to hurt your feelings?

No contest for me - if there was a fire I’d literally throw dh out the window for the kids to land on him 😆🙈 but I’m sure - and I’d expect - he’d also say the same about me. Doesn’t bother me. I think dc should always come first.

Original poster
Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 15:48

@ItsThePlayBusDingDing We didn’t have a conversation explicit as that, no. Plus it wasn’t odd, it was in relation to something we were watching and talking about

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 13/04/2023 15:48

In a life or death, you can only save one kind of situation I’d expect both me and DH to choose to save our children. That’s genetics and survival.
Right now, as they are still actually children, I’d also expect us both to prioritise them and their needs over each other if that was necessary.
As they become adults and independent with their own families then I would expect that to change.

Noicant · 13/04/2023 15:51

I think it’s an age thing (some things aren’t, I think I would always push DH into the path of a bus to save DD’s life, regardless of whether she was 6 or 60, I know he would do the same). Your kids are fully fledged and you now have time for your marriage where your kids aren’t at the centre of it. Also you choose your husband or wife you don’t get to choose your kids (and they don’t get to choose you). It’s a different relationship.

GoodVibesHere · 13/04/2023 15:52

My DC are teenagers I would 100% put them first no question about it and no hesitation. Surely that is natural? I'm certain I would feel the same way even when they are older (at any age). I expect my DH to put our children first too.

I can't imagine not putting DC first, the concept is alien to me.

PuttingOnTheKitsch · 13/04/2023 15:56

ConsuelaHammock · 13/04/2023 15:46

I have a close friend who was widowed a few years ago. At the time she confided in me that she wished one of her children had died instead. Her reasons being her husband could comfort her and she wouldn’t be alone. I thought this was incredibly sad for her children.
You only have to read the cases of children abused by their mother’s new boyfriend to realise that a lot of women will choose a man over their own children. Depends on the woman I suppose.
Children should come first when they are dependent but husband should
come first when they have become independent.

This is what it comes down to. It can be understood that priorities might change in terms of who you want to go on holiday with, festive occasions, day to day choices.

But ultimately, I could handle living without DH. Divorce is common as is men predeceasing women.

But I would not want to live a single day without my children being in the world. I would find it devastating.

StreamingCervix · 13/04/2023 15:58

How old is your own daughter op?

Who would you save in an emergency situation, your dad or your partner?

WhiteFire · 13/04/2023 16:00

I wouldn't expect my Mum to prioritise me over my Dad.