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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum said she wasn’t sure who she’d put first, my dad or us children

173 replies

Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 15:27

It seems a very easy choice for me…my Dd comes first over Dp, I love him and would be heartbroken if anything happened to him, but isn’t it natural to put your child/children first?

OP posts:
GoodChat · 13/04/2023 17:59

Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 17:58

@GoodChat Perhaps you’re right, seems sad to me though and I’m not sure why

Because we hope our kids will always be in our lives as much as they are when they're young, and always rely on us as much as they do now, and to think otherwise hurts too much to consider, probably Flowers

Sapphire387 · 13/04/2023 17:59

Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 17:54

I really don’t understand the choosing the spouse thing 🙈regardless of dcs age

To be honest, you just sound like one of those people who struggles to accept that people are different, and others might choose differently.

I'd struggle to 'choose' between my DH and DC, genuinely. I help my DC more because they are younger and dependent, but they are not 'more important' to me.

Original poster
Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 18:00

@Sapphire387 No, not at all

OP posts:
lemonsugarsnap · 13/04/2023 18:01

I'd always put my kids first, no hesitation. I'd expect DP to do the same. My children are only little but I can't imagine ever not feeling that way.

People are always (rightly IMO) criticised when they choose a new partner over their DC. I'm not sure why it's so different just because it's the child's other parent?

Sadly there are lots of situations where a parent would need to choose their spouse or their child. Allegations of abuse for example, it isn't just an unlikely life or death situation.

Original poster
Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 18:01

@GoodChat Yes, that’s it, inevitable though I suppose

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 13/04/2023 18:03

Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 18:00

@Sapphire387 No, not at all

Fair enough, it's just coming across a bit like that, you keep saying you don't understand why anyone wouldn't 'choose' DC first. As others have pointed out, there are different circumstances where choices might differ. Anyway, I doubt any of us will ever be in a serious life-or-death situation where this arises... at least I hope not!

whumpthereitis · 13/04/2023 18:10

Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 17:55

Also, the studies from around the world is so interesting, but so bizarre to say ‘Well I can just have another child’ Surely that’s not the point!

In recent history, in times of high mortality rates, parents would often name their children the same name to increase the chances of one carrying it to adulthood.

Now, it is seen as unnatural to have your children predecease you (at least in the west), but for majority of human history that hasn’t been the case at all.

human behaviours, and human relationships for that matter, aren’t neat. This despite our desire to simplify them.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/04/2023 18:11

It is variable according to age, but that is not something you will necessarily believe until you are older and your children have created their own lives away from you. You cease to become the most important person in their life and at the same time your spouse becomes more important to you because they are the one that is there day in and day out, like it was pre children. You owe it to your children to let them fly and create their new life, not being beholden to you because you constantly put them first. And hopefully your children then come and visit you because they love you and want to rather than because they owe you or are dangling the threat of not bothering with you in your dotage unless you do childcare on their terms when they demand it.

Bauhausstolemyhair · 13/04/2023 18:12

My mother makes this clear. God. Her DH. Her church. Her sister. My brother. Me.

I'm a grown up with a DD of my own who I put before anyone. My mother's heirachy bothered me a lot when I had my own family and felt such a rush of love towards my child but a wiser friend of mine who had lost a mother similar in outlook said, "Your mother isn't going to change. That is the mother you have. As soon as you stop pining for the mother you want, the smoother your life will be."

I try to remember this a lot. I love my mother more than she will ever love me but it doesn't change my love for her. I just make sure I have my own boundaries up with her so I don't get hurt.

AlwaysGinPlease · 13/04/2023 18:19

I think of a parents puts a partner before their children no matter the age, is very strange. We have three adult DC. They will always be the most important people to me and they always come first. DH knows that and feels the same.

Rosesandstars · 13/04/2023 18:21

I wouldn't have thought my Mum would necessarily prioritise myself and my siblings (all 30s) over my Dad. She loves my Dad and us.

My Mum did say that she cared as much for own Mum as for myself and siblings when I was in my teens though and I somehow found that a little bit odd!

AlwaysGinPlease · 13/04/2023 18:21
  • I think a partner that puts

Bloody autocorrect

Rosesandstars · 13/04/2023 18:24

Bauhausstolemyhair · 13/04/2023 18:12

My mother makes this clear. God. Her DH. Her church. Her sister. My brother. Me.

I'm a grown up with a DD of my own who I put before anyone. My mother's heirachy bothered me a lot when I had my own family and felt such a rush of love towards my child but a wiser friend of mine who had lost a mother similar in outlook said, "Your mother isn't going to change. That is the mother you have. As soon as you stop pining for the mother you want, the smoother your life will be."

I try to remember this a lot. I love my mother more than she will ever love me but it doesn't change my love for her. I just make sure I have my own boundaries up with her so I don't get hurt.

That's horrible Beauhasstolemyhair! Did she actually say as much or do you just feel it through her actions? Why does her sister come before you both too?!- how odd!

I hope you're okay and glad that you have boundaries in place.

Rosesandstars · 13/04/2023 18:24

Oops sorry @Bauhausstolemyhair , not 'Beauhasstolemyhair'.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 13/04/2023 18:26

Maybe as children children but as adults we’ll probably spend more time with our partners than our kids

Minierme · 13/04/2023 18:29

I balance the needs of my kids and DH (as does he). I wouldn’t always put our kids first (especially over wants not needs). That’s ultimately not in their best interests. Our kids having happy parents with a good marriage is good for them too.
I see lots of women always put the kids first and I don’t think never having to wait is great for kids and definitely not for women.

Leakingtoilet · 13/04/2023 18:32

I would always choose my DC over my partner at any stage of life and he would do the same. Firstly they are my children, secondly we've lived more years than them. In a life or death situation that is.

In normal life it entirely depends on the circumstances. It's not right to always prioritise your childrens wants over everything. It all depends

elizzza · 13/04/2023 18:33

@MysteryBelle genuinely not trying to be obtuse! Honestly the original ethical question struck me as a bit like those “would you still love me if I was a worm” questions - I was struggling to imagine the actual circumstances in which I would ever need to choose between DH and my children, which made it difficult for me to answer honestly. Your example didn’t help, why would I “escort” my adult husband out?

Not sure why you then wildly veered off into a rant any Dylan Mulveany but okay sure, I’m the one who needs help 👍🏻

bloodywhitecat · 13/04/2023 18:36

It all depends doesn't it, when the kids were children they would've come first in a house fire type situation but the kids are now adults so things are slightly different. In recent times DH was terminally ill, bedbound and unable to help himself while the kids were adult, capable and ambulant, had there been a housefire at that time my instinct would've been to save DH because the kids would've been able to help themselves (they were late 20s/early 30s at the time).

chimayrah1 · 13/04/2023 18:38

Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 17:54

I really don’t understand the choosing the spouse thing 🙈regardless of dcs age

Yes but choosing them under what circumstance? You haven't really said!

chimayrah1 · 13/04/2023 18:40

MysteryBelle · 13/04/2023 17:16

You have problems I can’t help you with. I’m sorry too.

But to spell it out to the nth degree, as long as the spouse is ok that is all that matters so, you’d go straight out of the house with the spouse, escorting the spouse all the way to safety, since the spouse is your number one priority. The child can fend for himself or herself, especially if out of diapers. Any sane and loving parent will say their child, no matter how old, will always be their child. If anyone cannot relate to this, they’ve got a screw loose somewhere.

There is a disturbing and weird anti-child sentiment in society and today’s culture, I’m not sure what it is, as if it’s ok to let a child be victimized or experimented with, or not worthy of protection like within this thread. I think it’s sinister. Examples in society would be the wide acceptance and aggressive agenda to sexualize children, steering very young children, preteens, and teens into trans ideology, pushing drugs, hormones, and mutilation of their sexual organs. This is one of many examples of the powers that be pushing weird agendas on children. Drag queens in charge of library story hour. Instead of say, doctors who save children’s lives from disease and do not harm them, or many other options, but no, it has to be a drag queen. The people who run the world are pushing this garbage.

I hope that has been spelled out enough for you. Yes, I went off on a rant but your obtuse attitude reminded me of the people who just go along with whatever is fed them, no matter how crazy. Like Dylan Mulvaney getting paid millions to play a parody of a ‘vacuous’ teen girl who only cares about makeup and preening, millions to sell global brand Nike’s bras to women. Men taking over women’s sports, women’s changing rooms, bathrooms. We are living under the wacky “rules” of very demented people.

Show quote history

What a bonkers post. Proof than on MN you can bring the trans debate into anything. And I'm gender critical.

Triffid1 · 13/04/2023 18:40

I think you are being ridiculous. Putting your partner first when your children are grown adults with children of their own is perfectly reasonable. I mean, sure, I suspect that in a fire, even if dd was 30 I would instinctively grab her first over dh, but broadly, when they are adults day to day, I would expect to prioritise a partner. I don't expect my dc to have me running around after them.qhen they are adults.

Poppins2016 · 13/04/2023 18:42

DH and I have always agreed that our children come first. The love for children is so much more protective, primal and unconditional.

Partyandbullshit · 13/04/2023 18:43

I wonder about the Venn diagram of (1) people who would put their spouse ahead of their adult DC and (2) GPs not feeling obliged to provide childcare for the GDC.

I fall into both categories, fairly and squarely. I also view the few, relatively short years of intense parenting (probably about 25 years in total for me) as just one part of my life. At least a 3rd, if I'm lucky. I had an amazing life before children, have an amazing life in the trenches with them, and look forward to an amazing life when they're on their way and I can focus on other things.

Some people, women and men, see their children as part of them from the moment they're born until forever. Their children are part of their identity, a large part they can't imagine not having. Family life IS life.

There's no better or worse, in my eyes. Just differences.

Partyandbullshit · 13/04/2023 18:44

"A 3rd or less, if I'm lucky" !!