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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum said she wasn’t sure who she’d put first, my dad or us children

173 replies

Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 15:27

It seems a very easy choice for me…my Dd comes first over Dp, I love him and would be heartbroken if anything happened to him, but isn’t it natural to put your child/children first?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 16:01

@StreamingCervix Almost 5

I’m not sure, such a horrible thought, something in me instinctively says my dad, but thinking practically and in another way, my dad is 74, Dh is obviously younger and Dds dad…it’s a complicated one, it all is, but in regards to Dd, it’s an immediate thought for me

OP posts:
NorthStarRising · 13/04/2023 16:03

Everyone makes their own choices.
My children are always first in an emergency or a life/death situation, even though they are adults now.
My parents would always choose each other, even when we were children. But they wouldn’t choose themselves over a child.

StreamingCervix · 13/04/2023 16:04

I think you’ve answered your own question really. A five year old is totally innocent and reliant on you. A 35/45 year old is a fully formed human, who may be a totally different personality and bring little comfort to your life, although you can love them dearly.

Ponderingwindow · 13/04/2023 16:06

Part of DH and I showing our love for one another is caring for our child. It is the rare situation where the needs of a spouse and the needs of a child are truly at odds. There may be small issues of time or financial conflicts, but those are always about balance. A true situation of needing to put one or the other first, is almost always going to involve picking the offspring because by pickIng the offspring you are also showing your commitment to your spouse.

Original poster
Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 16:06

@NorthStarRising How did they choose each other? I think mine did maybe in some ways…it’s alien to me, I always choose Dd and perhaps it should probably be Dh and I more in some ways. It could be just she’s so young…I can’t imagine that changing though

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 13/04/2023 16:07

I think most parents would/should prioritise dependent children, but not adult children. Because once they've flown the nest, they make their own home and family. Your mum didn't want to hurt your feelings. Perhaps she couldn't think of a situation, that would warrant the prioritising at both your ages? Is she thinking, if there's a family disagreement who would she side with? I suppose she'd have to side with her partner, as she actually lives with him. Whereas you live away, with your family. She's probably not thinking of more serious scenarios, because of your ages.

chimayrah1 · 13/04/2023 16:08

In what sense? I think it is quite important to prioritise your relationship as ultimately that benefits your children.

Children inevitably grow up and make their own lives, and will prioritise their spouses over their parents in the end.

Magaluf · 13/04/2023 16:08

Depends what you mean by "put first". I hope I'd save my DC in a life or death situation and I hope my DH would do the same. On the other hand, I wouldn't put them first if we were eg deciding where to go for a family dinner.

Generally I think questions like this are a bit pointless. None of us knows how we would behave in a life or death situation until we are in it, and it's pretty rare for such situations to offer clear-cut choices about whom to put first. I wouldn't draw any conclusions from what your mum said.

CitizenofMoronia · 13/04/2023 16:09

I had an ex who wanted to know who Id Save between him and the dog.. who wants to guess why hes an ex.

Original poster
Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 16:09

@chimayrah1 But would you prioritise your spouse over your parents?

OP posts:
Turfwars · 13/04/2023 16:10

We both would choose DS over each other without a doubt - and honestly I'd think less of him as a man if he didn't.

In fact, on our first family holiday when DS was 5, there was a spate of terrorist activity around Europe - driving trucks into a crowd etc. And I made it clear to DH that if we were ever in a situation like that, to grab DS and run like fuck, to not even think about me. Because he's stronger and faster he could get them to safety quicker than I could and certainly quicker than trying to get all three of us to safety together.

Isthatascratchonmygrandmother · 13/04/2023 16:11

My mum has always said my Dad comes before her kids, even those she had from a previous marriage. She's been honest from the start about it the few times it has come up.

chimayrah1 · 13/04/2023 16:11

Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 16:09

@chimayrah1 But would you prioritise your spouse over your parents?

Yes I would, and I do. Don't most people?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/04/2023 16:13

How would you feel if one of your DC asked which one of them you would save if you could only save one?
Kids see things quite simply. If there is a flood they may realise you need to grip hold of something so only have one hand to.grip a child, or can only get one at a time out from a fire.

chimayrah1 · 13/04/2023 16:14

I honestly think it really depends on the context. If you mean who would you save in a life or death situation, your spouse or your child, then I think pretty much everyone would say their child. That's not to say I prioritise my DC in all senses, sometimes their Dad comes first.

Partyandbullshit · 13/04/2023 16:15

I would consider myself to have failed as a parent if my DC still "needed" me in their 30s/40s (barring eventualities such as a disability etc). My job is to raise them to be capable adults entirely independent of their parents.

It's a natural life progression that we ail as we age, and who would my DH have other than me in his old age? My DC should have their life partners to look after them as they age, and I have mine. It wouldn't be normal for me to choose a (hopefully) totally capable child over a dependent spouse. Why would I? Why would my child want me to choose them and not their father?

What you say makes no sense.

xogossipgirlxo · 13/04/2023 16:15

I really can't think of normal family where you have to choose between children or husband. Did she mean who to rescue first from burning house or what? I think in situation of danger, it's normal for parent to rescue child first. But neglecting your marriage since you have kids isn't normal. It all depends on the context IMO.

HowcanIhelp123 · 13/04/2023 16:15

@Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance you can't know what your relationship will be. For a 50yo woman, with a 50yo spouse who lives with her and is her companion of 30 years, and a 25yo child that emigrated to Australia and she sees every couple of years ... I wouldn't be surprised at her thinking her spouses death would have a more profound affect on her and her life. When kids are young they're totally reliant on you and they are your world. But then they go out and make their own and you might not feature as much as you would like. That spouse however has been by your side through it all and is continuing to be there.

TomatoSandwiches · 13/04/2023 16:19

Life and death, then the children would come first.
Any other context is dependent.
I would put my husband before my parents.

HowcanIhelp123 · 13/04/2023 16:20

To be honest I think this very much comes under being a stupid question thats:

  1. basically never going to happen
  2. the answer is always going to upset someone

Don't ask questions unless you're prepared for any answer!

Liorae · 13/04/2023 16:21

Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 15:41

@Adelant I’m not sure who Dd would put first when she’s older and I don’t mind. But, to me, it’s naturally my first thought to put my child first

I’m not bothered by her dithering over this at all, I understand it, just curious who others would put first.

Surely it’s always your child, just instinctively

I don’t see it as instinctive when the "child" is an adult.

Ramunea · 13/04/2023 16:22

My children always come first before anyone and any man.

Aprilx · 13/04/2023 16:24

Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 15:38

We’re all grown adults in 30/40’s

I do get it different when they’re older.

Just first in things, I said I’d always put Dd first, I’d be more bereft if anything happened to Dd. Not the nicest conversation. She said she wasn’t sure and it was a very difficult one..it is, but my automatic thought is of Dd always coming first.

Still not sure what you mean by “putting first”. If you mean saving in a house fire then I expect most would put children first, but “putting first” could apply to just about everything including day to day choices.

JudgeRudy · 13/04/2023 16:38

Ialwayswantedtoliveinpenzance · 13/04/2023 15:27

It seems a very easy choice for me…my Dd comes first over Dp, I love him and would be heartbroken if anything happened to him, but isn’t it natural to put your child/children first?

Please don't tell me this is one of those hyperthetical scenarios I keep hearing about. GF to BF - would you rather shag my siste or my mum? How could anyone think that conversation is going to end up well.
But let's assume it's something that's just come up in a conversation...
There is no default correct answer and ultimately you put yourself first.
Eg someone gets assaulted in a bar so you intervene to protect the victim and get stabbed. Have you put victim first? Above you? What if you have 2 young children. Have you put victim above them? Would this apply to all high risk jobs, so fireman, police, armed forces, off shore welder etc. If you move a long way away (Australia?) you're putting you and your kids first even though your parents are heartbroken. If you asked them to come out and live with you, but your Mum said yes but your dad said no, he's putting himself first, she's putting his needs above yours/grandkids but ultimately hers first.

I'll assume you're an adult living away from your parents home. Yes, I'd put my husbands needs above yours. Would you put your husbands needs above your mums?
I think most parents of children would put their day to day needs abo e there own but not always. I wouldn't stay in a miserable marriage for my kids. I might wait till after their exams though to split.

I'm pretty sure I love my adult children more than they love me. I'm pretty sure my mum loves me more than I love her but if she could have my dead dad back and never see me again, I think she might....and I'd be at peace with that decision.

Have there been many times when she's needed to chose between you?

MysteryBelle · 13/04/2023 16:43

Agree and it’s like the way Ryan Reynolds the actor explained it. He adores his wife but when his children were born, he knew that if he could only save his children or his wife in the ocean as an example, he’d throw his wife off the raft 😂it was a joke obviously but the sentiment, all we parents can share. I am kind of surprised at the posters who act like they’d just throw their little children to the wolves in favor of their partners, see, that strikes me as weird but ok. Since it has to be spelled out, what op is saying is that we as parents should feel protective of our children, very protective especially in an emergency etc. I mean, this is basic ethics 101. If there were a fire, do you go find your toddler or child, or do you go straight out of the house with your spouse? Come on.