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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my friend on holiday for free?

185 replies

Trul · 13/04/2023 11:26

DP and I booked a luxury all-inclusive holiday abroad a few months ago. Due to unforeseen circumstances, and despite our best efforts, it's now unlikely that DP will be able to come. We cannot get a refund or reschedule as the holiday is now only a few weeks away. Between DP and I, we earn well into six figures and the holiday is already paid for upfront.

I have said to DP that I will take my friend, which he is happy with, but he wants my friend to pay for 'his' share. My friend is a single parent to an autistic DC, there is no way she could ever afford to pay for his share. I've suggested that as it's already paid for, and is no financial loss to us, I take my friend for free. She can pay for a few meals / drinks out there, if she wishes. I'm sure my friend will offer to pay a token amount, but as it's already paid for, and the other option is me going alone or us both losing out completely, I'd rather she didn't. It would also make a much bigger impact to her (if she offered £500 for example), then if we lost out on that amount. She has been a very good friend to me over the years.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Chocolatelabradorsarethebest · 14/04/2023 10:42

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable asking her to pay a contribution towards it, that sounds fair to me.

I also think there are a few MN double standards at play in the replies. If OP had come on to say she couldn’t go on a paid for holiday and her DP wanted to take his best mate instead for free and have a lads holiday the replies would be very different and along the lines of ‘he’s a cf freeloader, if he wants a holiday he should pay’ ‘why are you spending your hard earned money on a holiday for him’ ‘get him to pay his share so you can go on a spa break’.

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 14/04/2023 10:45

SleepingStandingUp · 14/04/2023 10:26

But he's going to not go and not have the money back if he insists OP goes alone. So you can be sad and NOT selfish simultaneously

Show quote history

The obnly thing OP says her DP said was that he wanted her friend to contribute towards his share. All the other stuff people are saying about him is made up. He hasn't insisted she go alone or that its wither friend pay 100% or no trip. None of that exists in the post. He was hoping to recoup some of his lost money. That is the only thing OP has said her DP has said.

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 14/04/2023 10:49

OP has said her DP is fine with friend coming - what they disagree on is whether or not to ask her to contribue financially towards the trip. OP wants it to be a free trip for her friend, her DP wants her to ask the friend to pay towards it.

Lizzt2007 · 14/04/2023 10:52

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 14/04/2023 10:19

I mean you would probably be a bit grumpy too if not only could you not go on your luxury all inclusive vacation but you also then needed to pay for the holiday even without going. And you ended up paying for an all inclusive luxy vacation for your partner's friend. Of course OP feels great about it, she gets a luxury holiday with a friend. Her DP gets nothing except a hole in his wallet.

I am suprised you don't have travel insurance to cover a refund / reschedule. Who books luxury expensive holidays without insurance?

I would be 100% sure your DP can't come before offering it to the friend.

Insurance doesn't cover for all scenarios. It's mainly for cancellation due to medical reasons.

Lizzt2007 · 14/04/2023 10:56

Mirabai · 14/04/2023 08:38

Yes, that was my point. Does OP realise how difficult that might be?

Show quote history

She's offering, not expecting. If friend can make it then brill, if not then no problem, but she's being generous enough to make the offer.

user1471538283 · 14/04/2023 10:59

He sounds mean minded.

He cannot go, you cannot get the money back so he is no worse off.

I think this is a lovely thing to offer your friend. I do hope she can go with you.

RobinaHood · 14/04/2023 11:00

He's either being mean or there is something else going on eg he doesn't like your friend; he doesn't want you to enjoy the holiday without him. Does he often cancel or opt out of holiday/celebration plans or is this a one-off?

billy1966 · 14/04/2023 11:07

He's on a high 6 figure salary, and yet feels the need to make money off a single parent with an autistic child, when he can't reclaim it from insurance 🙄.

I would be mortified to find I was wasting my life with someone so mean.

FelicityFlops · 14/04/2023 11:08

I think that is a very kind, generous and practical idea as well as being a good solution to the situation.
For all those banging on about travel insurance, there are only certain conditions, which are covered, "unforeseen circumstances" not being of these (on standard policies) as I discovered to my cost 3 years ago, when an event, I was due to attend, was suddenly brought forward by 3 weeks without warning. Had I been unable to travel for any of the reasons covered, it would have been fine, but I had to suck up the cost as the reasons for my not travelling were out of my control and not covered by my policy.
To rub salt into the wound the major European airline I was flying with, cancelled the flight I had booked, but "helpfully" rebooked me onto a later flight, which would have had a knock-on effect on all my other travel arrangements.
A lot of places in Germany now offer you something called "flex-tariff" which enables you, for a premium of around €45 per person, to cancel up to 2 weeks before departure without giving any reasons. I would use this facility if I were booking something later on in the year, but as I am a fairly "last minute" traveller, I often book within 2 weeks of departure, so it is not of great use.
Anyway, I hope you and your friend are able to enjoy the holiday together!

GOW56 · 14/04/2023 11:09

upto him who he wants the place given to.
Hardly given the person would be holidaying with OP and presumably sharing a room with her too!

It sounds as though the money will just be wasted if OP doesn't take her friend. Her husband isn't losing anything if her friend takes the place so it sounds very mean of her husband to demand payment

swayingpalmtree · 14/04/2023 11:13

upto him who he wants the place given to

No its not. They'll be going on holiday WITH the OP and presumably sharing a room WITH the OP. So, unless the OP is happy to share a bedroom with his best mate Dave, I dont think so lol

ididntwanttodoit · 14/04/2023 11:16

Your thought is very kind and I can't see why your DH would disagree with your suggestion. However, I also can't see why your travel insurance wouldn't pay our if one of you can't travel. It sounds as if he's changed his mind by reprioritising something else (possible work-related? I have had this happen to me in the past!)

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 14/04/2023 11:19

Wishawisha · 14/04/2023 07:46

But then, what is the value of the holiday now? to someone else?

Let’s say this holiday costs 4k per person. That was worth it to the OP when she booked it, thinking she would go with her DH, to a place they wanted to go at a time convenient to them both (now not).

She could invite a friend - this friend, or a different one. But is one half of the holiday worth 4k to anyone now? It involves sharing a room with the OP (who I am sure is lovely!), a resort and country that other people have chosen and faffing around last minute trying to arrange annual leave, looking after of children or elderly parents, rearranging responsibilities etc.

I’m not saying it’s worth nothing but I don’t think someone else should have to pay the full face value of half the holiday. If the DH wants the money back, insurance is the only way to go. If there is no travel insurance then offer to a friend but you can’t ask anyone to pay the actual face value.

Show quote history

This is exactly it. Some people on this thread are treating half a holiday like it’s a tangible, easily transferable asset with an inherent value. It isn’t.

The list of people most of us want to go on holiday with is fairly short. The list of people we want to go with one on one, rather than as part of a group, is even shorter. The list gets shorter again when it’s an AI holiday, where you’ll typically be spending more time together in one fixed location rather than being able to go off on your own. On top of all that, you’ve got to be able to find someone who’s free to go at that particular time and wants to go!

Imagine if OP’s husband had bought a £20k new car, but then got made redundant. He needs to sell the car. It doesn’t matter if he hasn’t even taken it out of the garage - it’s already second hand. No full warranty or protection from the dealer; whoever buys it has to want that particular colour rather than choosing from several if they’re buying new.

How much would he end up getting? Maybe £15k if he’s lucky. And that’s when we’re talking about a tangible asset. What the OP’s partner is offering is a holiday to a specific place with a specific person at a specific time. The value is minimal. It would be nice if the OP’s friend can offer him something, to make up for the disappointment if nothing else, but he’s kidding himself if he thinks there’s a queue of people waiting to buy half a holiday.

GOW56 · 14/04/2023 11:21

The point is that this friend can’t pay so if there anyone else who can?

This isn't really the point though. The point is the holiday has been paid for. The money can't be refunded. It is either wasted or OP takes the person she wants to spend time with. Her friend would be doing her a favour as it means OP can go on holiday and enjoy herself instead of going alone or not going at all.
I don't know anyone who would be willing to pay for a holiday they have had no say in organising, agreeing where to go etc

billy1966 · 14/04/2023 11:21

Chocolatelabradorsarethebest · 14/04/2023 10:42

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable asking her to pay a contribution towards it, that sounds fair to me.

I also think there are a few MN double standards at play in the replies. If OP had come on to say she couldn’t go on a paid for holiday and her DP wanted to take his best mate instead for free and have a lads holiday the replies would be very different and along the lines of ‘he’s a cf freeloader, if he wants a holiday he should pay’ ‘why are you spending your hard earned money on a holiday for him’ ‘get him to pay his share so you can go on a spa break’.

I absolutely do not think this would would be the case in most MN replies.

Just from a petty cohort.

The holiday cannot be claimed for.

Why wouldn't you want your partner to go and bring someone?

The sex of the person makes absolutely no difference.

The only CF is the person expecting someone to compensate them for something they cannot claim.

So tacky.

In the OP's place, if she paid for her half, she could ask him to repay her in full for the holiday as HE has backed out.

What petty lives people lead to not want something that they can't use, to be used by others.

Last year my niece contacted me on a Thursday to tell me that she couldn't make a fantastic concert in my city, fantastic seats etc.
None of her friends, family, or circle could use them.

She offered them to me as she couldn't use them.
I could have used them, but wasn't that pushed.
However, one my dear friends is a fan and absolutely jumped at the chance.
I hadn't realised just how big a fan she was.
They had the best night ever as the weather was glorious.

My niece was genuinely thrilled that a big fan had had the benefit of them.

Did she asked to be paid?
Of course she didn't.
She was very disappointed not to go, but said the fact that someone else had gotten such enjoyment from them, had really softened it.

I would 100% feel the same way.
As would the people I surround myself with.

Springingintosummer · 14/04/2023 11:27

How generous. In the old days, people took companions - no different!

Elaina87 · 14/04/2023 11:28

You are absolutely not being unreasonable given the circumstances. Your husband is and is quite selfish by the sounds of it! He isn't hard up for cash whereas this sounds like it could be very much a one off chance for your friend and a well earned break. It's a very kind thing of you to offer to take her free, and as you say she will probably offer something. At the end of day, if you expect her to pay the full share she probably won't be able to come.

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 11:28

Springingintosummer · 14/04/2023 11:27

How generous. In the old days, people took companions - no different!

Come again? 😐

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 14/04/2023 11:29

“But what about insuuuuuuuurance tho?!” is in danger of becoming the new “Cancel the cheque!!” The OP has said they can’t get the money back. Several others have correctly pointed out that most travel insurance will only pay out under specific circumstances.

I also think those saying “But can the friend even get childcare, can she get the time off work, will she even want to go, can the name on the ticket even be changed?!” are missing the point. Of course all those things could be issues, but that doesn’t stop the OP from asking, for heaven’s sake.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/04/2023 11:31

SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 13/04/2023 12:24

I think it's a very kind thing to do. But, can your friend afford the flight abroad? Can she find someone to look after her DC last minute? What food will she be paying for if it's AI?

Why would she need to pay for a flight when the holiday is paid for?

RobinaHood · 14/04/2023 11:33

Sometimes it's difficult to transfer flights. It depends on the airline.

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 11:40

Some don’t allow transfers

Others allow but charge an admin fee

i wonder if the friend even has a valid passport given her circumstances

Thegoodbadandugly · 14/04/2023 11:57

That's a lovely thing for you to do.

HauntedPencil · 14/04/2023 12:02

Sounds like a great idea and he's being a bit of an arse. She didn't pick it plan if etc and it's a mutually beneficial arrangement as it means you can still at least enjoy the holiday

Beautiful3 · 14/04/2023 12:18

Well, your husband can't go so what's the alternative? If you ask her for say £500, and she says no, i cant afford it but have a nice holiday. You'll end up going alone, which will be miserable. I'd just take her. She may have to.pay amendment fees, when you change the booking from your husband's name to hers.