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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my friend on holiday for free?

185 replies

Trul · 13/04/2023 11:26

DP and I booked a luxury all-inclusive holiday abroad a few months ago. Due to unforeseen circumstances, and despite our best efforts, it's now unlikely that DP will be able to come. We cannot get a refund or reschedule as the holiday is now only a few weeks away. Between DP and I, we earn well into six figures and the holiday is already paid for upfront.

I have said to DP that I will take my friend, which he is happy with, but he wants my friend to pay for 'his' share. My friend is a single parent to an autistic DC, there is no way she could ever afford to pay for his share. I've suggested that as it's already paid for, and is no financial loss to us, I take my friend for free. She can pay for a few meals / drinks out there, if she wishes. I'm sure my friend will offer to pay a token amount, but as it's already paid for, and the other option is me going alone or us both losing out completely, I'd rather she didn't. It would also make a much bigger impact to her (if she offered £500 for example), then if we lost out on that amount. She has been a very good friend to me over the years.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 13/04/2023 12:24

I think it's a very kind thing to do. But, can your friend afford the flight abroad? Can she find someone to look after her DC last minute? What food will she be paying for if it's AI?

RosemaryAndTime · 13/04/2023 12:24

If he really would let the whole holiday go to waste rather than you take your good friend along then I would be looking for a new partner!!!
Does he want you to stay home because he can't go?
He sounds very selfish.....................

LBFseBrom · 13/04/2023 12:24

You said she has been a good friend over the years in which case I'd say, do take her (if she wants to go). No doubt she will contribute what she can.

I would definitely take a good friend in those circumstances, my late husband would have done the same.

As long as she doesn't feel forever beholden to you, I see no problem. You're going anyway and the booking for two adults is paid for.

CurzonDax · 13/04/2023 12:25

You sound very kind OP.
I can (sort of) see your DP's point of view, however, it is losing out on money by not going - he won't be losing anything extra if your friend doesn't go/can't pay. I would expect your friend to pay for the admin fee to change the names over (if you pay for that, then you are essentially losing extra on top of what you've already lost).
if your friend offers a token amount on top of that - great (providing she can afford it), but it is worth noting to your DP that your friend will have had no say in the location of this holiday, or the dates etc - not an issue for a free holiday, but the kind of things I would expect most people to have a say on if they are paying themselves.

As a single parent, would your friend be able to find childcare for her DC on this short(ish notice), can she book time off work, etc? Lovely, and so kind of you to offer to take her, but there are logistics to sort out for your friend - have you spoken to her about it?

drpet49 · 13/04/2023 12:29

Facem81 · 13/04/2023 11:45

We don’t know enough to say that

perhaps he doesn’t like this woman at all. A bad history

perhaps he wants to claim on insurance

perhaps the op and DP have very separate finances and she’s offered something that really was only his to offer

Show quote history

All of this. Who paid for the holiday? Because if he has paid half it is his share and upto him who he wants the place given to.

Rosula · 13/04/2023 12:48

drpet49 · 13/04/2023 12:29

All of this. Who paid for the holiday? Because if he has paid half it is his share and upto him who he wants the place given to.

Show quote history

Not really, given that the person concerned will presumably be sharing a room with OP. He can't impose any random on her just because they're willing to pay.

BendingSpoons · 13/04/2023 12:52

I'd just be glad it wasn't going to waste. Your friend is likely to decline if asked to pay, or it will be very awkward.

Scepticalwotsits · 13/04/2023 13:11

I do t think it’s unreasonable for the partner to want someone taking the spot to at least pay for some of it . Yes it’s going to be a loss but they have essentially paid to give someone else a holiday.

it’s not much different to a situation where you precook a cab and a friend joins the party but refuses to pay any of it because it wouldnt cost any extra and they had already paid and we’re going that way anyway.

it’s a nice gesture but I don’t think the default of partner is a miser is warranted tbh

we also don’t know the finances who paid for what etc so it’s not a clear cut case

also if the friend is that hard up how are they paying for childcare, for any additional costs, it is going to be OP in which case a loss isn’t just on the holiday but covering for more things for the friend, turning it into paying for someone else directly going on holiday, it’s also not unreasonable if friend can afford the childcare costs to ask why they also should at least contribute towards the holiday

LadyJ2023 · 13/04/2023 13:27

Do you know we have done this exact same thing before covid. My hubby actually had an emergency operation which meant he couldn't fly. He still wanted me and the kids to go so we agreed to ask my best friend and her child and we did not expect anything from her. To be fair she gave hubby a 100 even tho we knew she couldn't really afford it and he secretly gave me it back to spend on meals away for us all...Anyway we had a fantastic time, didn't lose holiday and hubby had 2 weeks of peace and quiet and recovery time and my friend and her son loved it as she barely ever goes away as not well off. I see it as my best friend has been there for me for over 20 years is always one of the first to offer help if we are ill or our kids are ill etc etc. So all around it was a happy time.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/04/2023 13:30

Not really, given that the person concerned will presumably be sharing a room with OP. He can't impose any random on her just because they're willing to pay.

No but depending on why he can't go this time and if he is able to go another time, he may wish to recoup some of the cost to fund that, especially if the OP can't go with him and he takes a friend.

SchoolTripDrama · 13/04/2023 13:36

I'm not sure what your friend's child being Autistic has to do with anything (and I say that as widowed parent to an autistic child myself), but still, a very nice gesture.
I suspect however that this discussion over payment will be futile as the chances are, your friend won’t feel able to leave her child that long. Unless perhaps the other parent is in the picture?
Obviously being widowed, I certainly wouldn't be able to go and would be gutted at having to say no but that's just me.

theGooHasGone · 13/04/2023 13:36

I do t think it’s unreasonable for the partner to want someone taking the spot to at least pay for some of it . Yes it’s going to be a loss but they have essentially paid to give someone else a holiday.

I can't imagine offering an unusable holiday reservation that's already paid for to someone, they say "Oh yes, that'd be wonderful, thank you so much for thinking of me" and then you say "Great, your share will be £1000 then" 😂

Of course in this situation the nice thing would be for the giftee to offer some kind of contribution as thanks, but to expect them to pay for a trip they didn't organise or ask for would be totally and utterly unreasonable.

Cleoforever · 13/04/2023 15:32

Let’s be honest

it was never going to be a nice holiday op given it’s clearly a relationship in a bit of a shitty place anyway

onwardsup4 · 13/04/2023 15:56

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/04/2023 13:30

Not really, given that the person concerned will presumably be sharing a room with OP. He can't impose any random on her just because they're willing to pay.

No but depending on why he can't go this time and if he is able to go another time, he may wish to recoup some of the cost to fund that, especially if the OP can't go with him and he takes a friend.

The posters that agree with OH are probably simaler tight and mean type of people

Cleoforever · 13/04/2023 16:00

onwardsup4 · 13/04/2023 15:56

The posters that agree with OH are probably simaler tight and mean type of people

Show quote history

Or just like a touch more information before judging someone to be a selfish dick

GoodChat · 13/04/2023 16:08

Cleoforever · 13/04/2023 15:32

Let’s be honest

it was never going to be a nice holiday op given it’s clearly a relationship in a bit of a shitty place anyway

Why do you suggest the relationship is in a shitty place?

Singapore4 · 13/04/2023 16:17

Ask your DH to sell his own ticket. Unless you can sell both tickets it will surely well 1 of the tickets go to waste.

Even AL people usually take spending money. How many people can just go on holiday last minute? People have jobs.

Ask your DH this OP.

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/04/2023 16:22

I would tell your DP this is his opportunity to do A Good Thing at no loss to himself. Clearly your friend couldn’t afford to pay so he needs to stop being a mean sulky child as it’s very unattractive.

Tell him that and then crack on.

However do be clear with your friend what you do and don’t expect her to pay for, to avoid awkward moments.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/04/2023 16:43

Perhaps he doesn’t like this woman at all. A bad history
Perhaps he wants to claim on insurance
Perhaps the op and DP have very separate finances and she’s offered something that really was only his to offer

All of this ^^ Much more information needed before making assumptions, especially around the travel insurance issue

ErrolTheDragon · 13/04/2023 16:47

YANBU. If you can't get a refund then he's no worse off.
Your friend can't afford to pay. So, the options are either you don't go and all the money is wasted, or you go alone and probably don't enjoy it much, or you take your friend and have a nice time.

He's being a dog in the manger.

onwardsup4 · 13/04/2023 17:34

Op already said that they can afford it , there's no way he can go and that it won't be any extra financial loss. She also stated that the friend had been a good friend over the years. YANBU to take your friend on holiday for free

JMSA · 13/04/2023 17:52

Can I be your friend, OP? Grin
It's a really lovely idea to take your friend.
And the fact that it's all-inclusive is perfect, as then there'll be no awkwardness over meals or drinks that she possibly couldn't afford.
I hope you both have a ball!

Thegoodscissors · 13/04/2023 18:13

In a way it’s a gift to you to let her go with you, as you will go and have a good time instead of missing out because of him and stay at home.

HideousKinky · 13/04/2023 18:29

Your idea is the best solution because:
You get a holiday companion
Your friend gets a lovely treat she otherwise could not afford
Your DH loses nothing that isn't lost anyway

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/04/2023 18:36

Unless DP can sell the whole holiday and you can both go together at some future point, YANBU. This isn’t a concert ticket, this presumably involves sharing a room and perhaps a bed with you.