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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my friend on holiday for free?

185 replies

Trul · 13/04/2023 11:26

DP and I booked a luxury all-inclusive holiday abroad a few months ago. Due to unforeseen circumstances, and despite our best efforts, it's now unlikely that DP will be able to come. We cannot get a refund or reschedule as the holiday is now only a few weeks away. Between DP and I, we earn well into six figures and the holiday is already paid for upfront.

I have said to DP that I will take my friend, which he is happy with, but he wants my friend to pay for 'his' share. My friend is a single parent to an autistic DC, there is no way she could ever afford to pay for his share. I've suggested that as it's already paid for, and is no financial loss to us, I take my friend for free. She can pay for a few meals / drinks out there, if she wishes. I'm sure my friend will offer to pay a token amount, but as it's already paid for, and the other option is me going alone or us both losing out completely, I'd rather she didn't. It would also make a much bigger impact to her (if she offered £500 for example), then if we lost out on that amount. She has been a very good friend to me over the years.

AIBU?

OP posts:
WilsonMilson · 14/04/2023 09:18

Depending on the reason your dp can’t go, perhaps you could claim on insurance?

Can your friend actually go/wants to go? I wouldn’t presume anything until you’ve spoken to her.

Changing the name on flights will cost a bit - who is going to pay that?

Can she afford spending money/insurance.

Sounds like you’re making a lot of presumptions about your friend before asking her. I was once (a long time ago) presented with a fait accompli holiday to New York that knew nothing about, from a (platonic to me) male friend who’d broken up with his girlfriend (nothing to do with me) and had just taken upon himself to change her flights to my name which apparently cost him £250 just to change and this was circa 2002! He had paid for the holiday as he was planning to propose to her before she dumped him, oops, and thought he was offering me an amazing holiday.
Which, in fairness, I guess he was.

I didn’t go - I was actually really annoyed he thought he could just do that and expect me to go along with it. Felt very uncomfortable and unreasonable to just presume someone wants to go on a holiday like that with short notice and taking no account of their circumstances. There may be many reasons that this could become a bit of a difficult situation, I would tread carefully.

JackHackettsMac · 14/04/2023 09:23

You said your friend had been a good friend to you over the years. That's worth more than money IMO.

Sounds like this holiday is a good opportunity for you to repay her?

rookiemere · 14/04/2023 09:29

I'd just like to say if anyone would like to take me on holiday, I can make myself available Grin.

I would say though that unless it was a holiday I really wanted to go on, I'd have to think long and hard if I was asked to pay my full share. After all I've not been involved in the choosing of destination or dates, and I'm doing someone a favour by providing company and meaning they can go away. So I can see how it might get awkward once money is involved.

madamovaries · 14/04/2023 09:30

Take your friend and tell her it is a present. Sounds like she has a tough time. You are being generous; your husband stingy, esp as he's basically already lost the money

Pipsquiggle · 14/04/2023 09:32

I think that's a really kind thing to do for your friend. She will probably want to contribute something so I would have a chat re. money with her before you go.

I am hoping your DH is not horrible but is just clueless about other people's incomes / financial pressures

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 14/04/2023 09:36

If it's genuinely non-refundable for this particular situation, then it would be wonderful to take your friend (assuming she can sort out childcare). Thirty years ago, I'm a not dissimilar scenario, DM was on the receiving end of a free holiday from friends. She needed it so much, and appreciated it even more. Be a Good Samaritan OP!

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 14/04/2023 09:41

He’s being petty and mean because he can’t come and unless a huge backstory doesn’t want your friend to come.

A friend of long standing and who has a lot on her plate as a single mum with an autistic child, deserves to come, even if she just pays for some meals/drinks.

GanjaDhin · 14/04/2023 09:44

Facem81 · 13/04/2023 11:33

She can pay for a few meals / drinks out there, if she wishes.

but it’s AI?

I am guessing that op means that they may choose to eat out somewhere else and the friend can offer to pay for that if she wants. I don't think op wants her friend to pay for anything at all and is just giving her friend that option so that she doesn't feel entirely beholden to op. What an amazing friendship.

MangoPi · 14/04/2023 09:52

I think there is nothing wrong with treating a friend who is not in as a financially fortunate position as you. Especially as you say she has been a good friend to you over the years.

We don't always need something in return - it's nice to just be nice sometimes. Especially to those who this would be an amazing opportunity in an otherwise presumably challenging life (single parent alone is not the easiest, let alone with a child who has additional needs).

Seems a shame for the extra space to go to waste, if it is non refundable.

A good friend is worth far more than what his share would be.

Wishawisha · 14/04/2023 09:55

And also presumably she’s need to pay for flights? You can’t just change names easily?

On top of sorting out childcare, this could be a bit of a headache for her.

No harm offering though but I wouldn’t necessarily feel like I was doing her a massive favour.

Koalasparkles · 14/04/2023 09:55

It sounds like you guys really don't need the money at all (and it's gone anyway) so I would definitely give it to her free. A compromise may be asking her to pay any fees to transfer the flight to her name etc, or maybe saying she could could for you guys one night or something if she insisted on giving you something for the holiday. I definitely wouldn't ask for money directly for the holiday. You sound like a good friend

SD1978 · 14/04/2023 09:58

If the money is 'lost' regardless, and can't be claimed on travel insurance, then he's being an arse. It will make no financial difference to him- but you'd have to go alone if you had to ask someone to pay his share? I'd be unimpressed with his attitude.

Marchintospring · 14/04/2023 10:11

I agree he’s being an arse. It’s just money at this point. What’s to be gained by losing it all?

However your friend has had no say over the holiday it might not be the amazing gift it sounds. Not everyone can just drop everything to go to somewhere random however expensive it may be. Let alone feeling beholden or a bit out of place knowing it was for you as a couple.
Definitely emphasise she’s doing you a favour, which she is.

ShowUs · 14/04/2023 10:13

Her coming would be doing you a favour so of course she shouldn’t need to pay.

There will probably be a charge to change names and if I was you I’d offer to pay this and then say she can pay me back bit by bit after the holiday (or just don’t charge her).

Your DH sounds a bit of an arse and he should be grateful that you’re still able to go and enjoy yourself.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 14/04/2023 10:13

Yanbu assuming there’s no back story of your friend having CF tendencies despite you describing her as being a good friend.

How likely is she going to be able to find childcare for her autistic DC/ will they cope without her so she can actually come on holiday with you?

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 14/04/2023 10:19

I mean you would probably be a bit grumpy too if not only could you not go on your luxury all inclusive vacation but you also then needed to pay for the holiday even without going. And you ended up paying for an all inclusive luxy vacation for your partner's friend. Of course OP feels great about it, she gets a luxury holiday with a friend. Her DP gets nothing except a hole in his wallet.

I am suprised you don't have travel insurance to cover a refund / reschedule. Who books luxury expensive holidays without insurance?

I would be 100% sure your DP can't come before offering it to the friend.

PinkyFlamingo · 14/04/2023 10:21

Is he bothered he can't make it?

SleepingStandingUp · 14/04/2023 10:26

Whatsthefrequencykenny · 14/04/2023 10:19

I mean you would probably be a bit grumpy too if not only could you not go on your luxury all inclusive vacation but you also then needed to pay for the holiday even without going. And you ended up paying for an all inclusive luxy vacation for your partner's friend. Of course OP feels great about it, she gets a luxury holiday with a friend. Her DP gets nothing except a hole in his wallet.

I am suprised you don't have travel insurance to cover a refund / reschedule. Who books luxury expensive holidays without insurance?

I would be 100% sure your DP can't come before offering it to the friend.

But he's going to not go and not have the money back if he insists OP goes alone. So you can be sad and NOT selfish simultaneously

daretodenim · 14/04/2023 10:27

If she's a single mum to an autistic child, will she be able to get away?

funinthesun19 · 14/04/2023 10:28

He’s being a twat! I bet he would rather lose the holiday completely and therefore the money completely, than your friend benefit from the place already paid for.
He knows her situation. You’d think he would say what a great opportunity for her and her DC and I hope it gives her a little bit of respite from the routines she works so hard on at home.
But no, he’s being a controlling bastard wanting her to pay. It’s probably some deep rooted misogyny - I doubt he would ask his mate to pay if it was you who couldn’t go. It would turn in to a lads holiday on him.

caringcarer · 14/04/2023 10:30

If it's pre paid and he can't get a refund he is being rather mean not wanting your friend to go. This holiday will probably mean the world to her and you say she has been a good friend to you over the years. I'd just ignore your penny pinching DH and Invite your friend for free anyway. Maybe let her pay for change of names on flight, but only if she can afford it. I hope she can get child care and you both have a great time.

Meandfour · 14/04/2023 10:31

Will she be able to arrange someone to care for her child while she is away?
It’s a lovely offer but don’t think her ungrateful if she doesn’t want to go. She might not want to leave her son for a week abroad. Do you have anyone else you can ask if she can’t go?

swayingpalmtree · 14/04/2023 10:31

I think your DP is being a bit of a dick. Its non refundable and he wont get the money back so would he prefer it was all just wasted money?

True friendship is priceless- I'd take her in a heartbeat

user1492757084 · 14/04/2023 10:33

If the holiday is truly non refundable, then you have found a
perfect solution.

Custardslices · 14/04/2023 10:39

He sounds so great!

Take your friend enjoy yourselves. Come back home and pack his bags!

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