to think its morally poor not to provide ANY childcare whatsoever as a grandparent, if you are retired and in good health?

[uniformotxa]

I have young dc and no childcare issues aside from the horrendous cost. My parents, like many others I know, enjoy being with dc but it’s pretty much always on their terms. They would take them for a day but it wouldn’t be consistent or reliable so couldn’t make it a regular thing.

Im not sure how I feel about this and on balance I think it’s pretty morally dire. Luckily I can afford childcare and nursery but I perhaps would feel more strongly if I couldn’t. However, whilst it’s easy for me to say this now, I do think I would step up and do some childcare for my dc if they had children. I can’t imagine just letting the days roll by leisurely and not setting aside even one day a week to be a reliable help.

I know in other cultures this is standard and families pull together much more. AIBU to think there is actually a moral obligation here, to make some form of childcare contribution, however small?

I knew a grandmother at my dcs school who did the school run every day for her DDS two primary age kids. Then her dd had a third baby and instead of just doing the school run, she'd be doing the school run with a baby in tow and looking after it all day whilst her DD worked. I was utterly appalled that her dd had had another baby and expected her ageing mother to give up her days to look after it. The grandmother was pretty pissed off too.

I don't have kids so doesn't apply to me but my brother does, and my mum went down when my first niece was born, to help out for a couple of weeks. This is a trip of 5/6 hours. My parents have helped out in emergencies a couple of times since. But given my brother chose to move away, and my sister in law finds my mum hard work and doesn't hide it and my brother can hardly remember to reply to WhatsApp messages, let alone return phone calls etc, I think the balance is firmly in my parents' favour and won't have a bar of listening to him complain.

I have friends who also think like you and don't understand it. When I retire I wouldn't want to commit to any set arrangements because it's so limiting. It seems to me like evening/weekend babysitting and time in the holidays to help out might be fair but even then there's no obligation.

I don't think my dc would want me looking after their children anyway (I'm crap with young children, couldn't stand the baby and toddler stage of my own, but I'd gladly offer to help once they are school age).
I think it's just one of those things, some people are lucky enough to have parents who are willing and able, just as some people are lucky enough to have good health, or being born into a wealthy family, or inherit good genes for academic achievement etc etc etc. the older I get the more I'm leaning towards nature over nurture arguments.

Don't be so ridiculous! It would be lovely if they did help but I'd also add a caveat to say having other family members so involved can cause massive problems for some too.

I don’t agree, sorry. My mum worked her arse off raising us, delayed her career and then juggled work around school and extracurricular activities, scrimped and saved to take us on holiday, even helped us with uni fees. I want her to spend her retirement relaxing and enjoying the peace, not caring for my kids.

So in effect you want your parents to commit to regular free childcare to save on nursery fees. Some do some don't but there should be no obligation. No its morally wrong to think you are entitled to free childcare provided by grandparents. You're not.

I think you're putting your own interpretation on the word 'moral' in order to justify your own resentment.

I don't get this idea that it's the role of grandparents to look after their grandchildren,. None of my grandparents ever looked after me as a child, except the ones who lived a four hour train journey away, for the odd hour when we were staying with them. The others lived at the other side of the same city but had 11 grandchildren so if they'd offered childcare it would have been unending.

Sounds exactly like my SIL 🙄

I am not a grandparent yet - but do have adult DC. I very occasionally look after a 7yo family member and that's enough for me. It is tying and tiring - and simply makes the other days of the week busier to catch up on the tasks which I should have been doing.

When/if I get to retire (at 67) and any of my DC have children then I am sure I won't want to give up a regular day/days for childcare. That's surely my time to be as free as a bird and do whatever the heck I like.

For reference my parents didn't offer regular childcare either and I didn't expect it. I paid for childminders, nursery, wrap around care. In the school hols I would ask for the odd session but other than that it was down to me and DH to sort it.

I voted that YABU

Did you include your parents in the decision to have children? No?

My Grandparents told my parents that they had raised their own children and that they would not be providing regular childcare for their Grandchildren long before my mother or her siblings had kids. They both worked hard all their life and wanted the freedom to travel at a drop of a hat, go see a movie etc.

This. I’ve been working and caring for decades, prioritising putting my time and money into giving my children whatever I can. Big sacrifices.

That’s fine, and I love them so much. But once they’re adults I’m looking forward to a bit of freedom and to putting my own dreams and interests and projects first for a bit, before I drop dead.

Paid my mother to cover one after school slot a week - the going rate; her time is valuable like everyone else's. She very kindly helped out in emergencies.

So having already done their time raising a child/children and working, you feel that your parents should be obligated to resume childcare in lieu of freedom in retirement, and failure to do so is "morally dire".

Crikey.

I think it's just as morally poor to deliberately have children when you know that you will depend on someone else's (probably unpaid) labour to care for them.

My husband is retired and in good health, but his health would soon suffer if he had to look after small children. With older people, there can be quite a delicate balance between being active enough to maintain health, and resting enough to prevent undue stress or exhaustion/wear on already arthritic joints etc.

I don’t see this as being a grandparent’s role at all. If they want to - fine. But definitely not an expectation here.

I am more than happy with them taking them for fun days out, presents, visits etc.

I have 4 children and never factored in grandparents as possible formal childcare.

The breakdown of 'community' - having family and friends closeby, having family support, is why so many mothers struggle terribly despite all the gadgets and devices we have that previous generations dont. It takes a village etc.

I dont think grandparents are OBLIGATED to provide childcare, however it would leave a bitter taste in my mouth if grandparents never try and help the family out if and when they can.

I don't know if it's morally poor but it's a bit selfish, I don't understand why a Grandparent wouldn't WANT to spend time and develop a relationship with their DGC.

I am lucky that I have help with childcare, from my in-laws, my DSIS and my DD's Godmother. They spend time with them after school as I work FT. It means that my DC also get time with their cousins. It has a 'takes a village' vibe about it that I love, part of the reasons we moved home was so that our DC would grow up surrounded by people that love them and want to spend time with them. We all help each other out in holidays etc as well.

I feel that our society is becoming so selfish and only doing things that benefit us directly, how about helping out loved ones to make things easier for them? Especially if you are in the position to?

I spent time with my Grandparents after school and holidays as a child. I adored that time and adored my Grandparents as well. Grandparents that want a hands off approach to their DGC will never have that and I think that's a bit sad.

As long as they don’t expect help in old age/Ill health then it seems fair …

A few ad hoc days are actually really helpful once children are at school. Schedule those days for weekdays in the school hols, it'll really help cover them.

I can see why a commitment every week is far too much for some GPs, especially if they have multiple grandchildren, or work, or gave up work because it was too damned tiring, or live any sort of distance away.

I would not expect grandparents to provide the equivalent of a childminder or nursery in terms of childcare. That's a cost you factor in before you start a family.

I do expect help in an emergency. They are family. I would expect them to drop their plans and help out just as we would for them. DD2 was in hospital for a weekend and PILs took DD1 to theirs for that time. That's the role of family.

There's no moral obligation on GPs to provide childcare.

And there's no moral obligation on offspring to care for elderly parents, invite them over for Xmas etc.

It works both ways.

(The Tory party however thinks GPs should provide free childcare so everyone can get out there and work, without subsidised childcare, whilst also being carers for the elderly, for whom there is inadequate state social care. Moral? I think not).

What moral obligation does the parent have to be able to fully provide for the child before they decide to have a child?

I think it sounds like they do provide childcare as you said they’ll have them for the day every now and then. So they are helping.

Helping every week so you can work in lieu of childminder / nanny is a much bigger undertaking IMO. I know someone who does one day a week looking after GC and it is a big deal and everyone seems to think what they’re doing is very helpful (rather than something that should be expected) - for instance, they can’t just not feel like it one week or plan holidays or things to do on that day, it’s basically their job though they are long retired.

My parents and ILs babysit every now and then ie a few times a year, and yes it’s on their terms. I’m grateful for what I can get.

It depends on a lot of factors really, the age of your parents, their health, whether the DC are very active and they would struggle keeping up with them on a regular basis. Also if they are retired and have their own plans, its important for them to be able to enjoy their later years, but I would also count spending time with grandchildren as enjoyable.

I was lucky, when I had my DC, I lived in the same road as my parents, I was a SAHM for 9 years and looked after my sisters 2 DC along with my own 3, so had 5 under 5 in my care for a lot of time. My parents were brilliant, and always helped out, came on holiday with us etc. My DF was an older grandparent as he had me when he was 37 (my DM was 28) but he had retired when I had my first and used to take my youngest a lot so I could take the older ones out. I appreciate I was lucky and it was in different times, when childcare costs were lower. When I went back to work my youngest was 2, nearly 3 and my DM suggested I get a part time job and she would look after her, it did work well.

I am not a grandparent myself (I am 58) but when/if the time comes I would happily offer myself up to help with childcare, but if I have health issues when the time comes I may not be able to help as much, so a lot of factors to consider.

None whatsoever.