to think its morally poor not to provide ANY childcare whatsoever as a grandparent, if you are retired and in good health?

[uniformotxa]

I have young dc and no childcare issues aside from the horrendous cost. My parents, like many others I know, enjoy being with dc but it’s pretty much always on their terms. They would take them for a day but it wouldn’t be consistent or reliable so couldn’t make it a regular thing.

Im not sure how I feel about this and on balance I think it’s pretty morally dire. Luckily I can afford childcare and nursery but I perhaps would feel more strongly if I couldn’t. However, whilst it’s easy for me to say this now, I do think I would step up and do some childcare for my dc if they had children. I can’t imagine just letting the days roll by leisurely and not setting aside even one day a week to be a reliable help.

I know in other cultures this is standard and families pull together much more. AIBU to think there is actually a moral obligation here, to make some form of childcare contribution, however small?

Your parents have done their caring duties in raising you, why on earth do you feel that they owe you anything? My parents lived 150 miles away when I had DD, yes they came up to help occasionally but that was their choice and I would never dare to presume they were there for childcare.
You are coming across as incredibly entitled and selfish. My SIL is like you and evev now in their lare 70s my PIL faery children back and forth to do school pick ups every day etc. Grandparents are an important aspect in a child's life but that should be at their choosing of how involved they are.

Do your husbands parents supply childcare?

I don't think grandparents are morally obligated to look after your children.
If you are grown enough to have a child, you are grown enough to sort out childcare without putting on your parent's.

I don’t about ‘morally’ but in my culture and family it’s standard to want to take care of your grandchildren and ease the childcare burden at least some of the time.

My grandmother collected us from school and had us for an hour until my mum got home from work most days.

My mum had my kids one day a week when they were nursery age, then collected them from school and gave them tea a day or two a week once they were at school. She also babysat regularly.l, as did my MIL and sister.

If I’m in good health and live not too far from my grandchildren, I’ll do the same. I find it really weird that childcare is all about the nuclear family in this country, and you’re ‘lucky’ if grandparents/aunties/uncles etc help out.

Wow, no not at all!! My choice to have children, it's on me to find childcare. Mine provided a bit of emergency cover but otherwise I sorted it myself and that's the way I'd want it to be.

Tricky. When you retire you don’t enter a void with no plans or obligations. Most will have plenty of commitments even if they seem trivial to a busy parent of a baby.

Id like to think I’d offer one day a week but even then it would severely curtail holidays and other opportunities. However I’d want to be involved regularly and in a helpful way and I’d always be there in an emergency. And, no doubt, financially. Help comes in many forms.

I've brought up two children alone and worked full time. My retirement age is 67. If you think that I'm going to sign myself up for regular childcare which will mean I can't take advantage of term time bargains and ad hoc social opportunities to look after grandchildren then I'm sorry to disappoint. I'll happily step in as and when but no one should expect my time on a regular and committed basis. It's the first time since my mid 30s when I potentially have total freedom.

I think bringing up other cultures/countries where grandparents do most of the childcare misses the point on how those families are organised. I am originally from such a culture and I can tell you that the grandparents don’t commit their lives for free. Yes, they don’t ask for money, but in exchange for unloading your kids on them, you are committing to take care of them later on personally until they die (putting the elderly in a care home is extremely shameful and immoral in such a culture). You are also agreeing to give them a pretty big role in all your life decisions: where you live, who you marry, what job you choose etc.

What’s missing in this, because you can’t know at this stage, is how you’ll feel when your children have children.

You might still be working full or part time, in which case it’s difficult to do more than babysitting. You might be unwell, or frail or tired or otherwise not really able to provide care. No one knows how they will be when the time comes.

I have provided child care. I have done the school pick up, the overnight, the weekend and holiday care. But I can see why people who are older choose not to. It might be selfish, but not always.

If you have babies or young children, you look at it from a perspective of youth and that’s what colours your opinion for the future. Things might be different when those babies are parents themselves.

I don’t think it’s morally poor. Would you think it’s morally poor for your sister or auntie or uncle who doesn’t work to refuse you regular free childcare? Is it morally poor if they refuse to drive you to work daily since they’re your parents and don’t work?

No way op yabu massively they did there whole raising kids there free now!!! It’s disgusting how many entitled parents there are grandparents are exactly that grandparents not parents the children that you have are purely for there enjoyment nothing more.

What utter BS! Grandparents have already more than done their bit with their own children. If you can't look after your own kids, or pay for childcare, then just don't have them - they are a responsibility, not a right.

I agree to an extent, I wouldn’t expect regular childcare (although would be nice!) but my mum won’t help at all which does sting. She won’t even help when I have my 2nd baby (due any day) so I know we can’t even use her in an emergency. Her reasoning is just she can’t carry my daughter up and down stairs, she could but she won’t.

it makes me sad that she doesn’t want to help at ALL. But it’s up to her, I wouldn’t mind if she had a really hectic life but she doesn’t actually do anything. We live 40 mins away and she constantly complains at the journey etc, we offer to put her up but she just doesn’t want to.

Of course its not morally wrong. Your decision to have children, their decision to let their days roll leisurely by! It's nice if they want to be involved but you can't actually expect anything other than that. And there are so many what-ifs - what if they have several grandchildren - are they honestly expected to provide childcare for all of them? What if you, or they, wanted to move 3 hours away? Or an hour away? Or what if they decided to take up a time consuming hobby? Should they put their "childcare duties" ahead of taking up golf? What if their idea of childcare is to prop the children in front of the TV for 8 hours a day?

So I think you are being very unreasonable. It's nice if they want to, it's nice if they live round the corner and are easily accessible, it's nice if they are on the same page as you about child rearing. But if you want the childcare you want when you want it - pay for it.

No, op. Nobody is obligated to offer you childcare.

If you mean regular childcare to save money, then no - that's a a huge commitment and should certainly not be expected or factored in to financial decisions. But back-up childcare when you're stuck (sick child/work travel and such) - yes, I agree that that GPs should help out of they are able to.

If you mean having them for an afternoon or occasional overnight/weekend stay so the DC and their GPs can build a relationship, then yes - I think this should definitely happen when it's possible.

By the time my youngest leaves education/home it may well be my eldest has a child. I would like some time to enjoy not being tied to timetables, to go on breaks away etc without being committed to regular childcare. We will see when the time comes.

My mum is in her 50s, doesn’t work, sits at home all week with her dog. Has no interest in looking after my children but will happily see them at weekends for days out etc. I can’t imagine being like that but it takes all sorts in this world. Doesn’t mean I’m right and she’s wrong, just means we are different. Shame really as my children love spending time with her.

"Morally poor"? Wtf op.

Half a week where did you get that from ? It said half a day

Difficult one.

My mum is retired and lives 5 minutes away. I'm also her only child so my kids are her only grandkids. She is hands on and helps me which I really appreciate. But I don't expect it and I'm always careful not to take advantage - in holidays I try to do a mix of holiday clubs, annual leave, ex's annual leave (I'm a single parent) and her help. In these holidays for example I've used 2 days annual leave (would have been more but I've just started a new job), 4 days holiday club, my ex had them 1 day and my mum has had them for 2 days.

One of my colleagues is a grandma, she still works full time but is expected to look after her baby granddaughter every weekend, all weekend. There's a lot of entitlement from some parents which isn't fair tbh. And some of the parents I know from the school gates seem to have this weird aversion to using paid childcare (it's not because they can't afford it) so rely on grandparents to fill every gap.

If my kids have children in 20-25 years time I'll still be in my 50s, so probably still working full time and won't be able to provide childcare during the week, but also who knows where they will be living, and how many kids they will each have. Each situation is different

My mom had tins of help from both grandparents and her sisters she offered me nothing

Absolutely not.

I'm approaching retirement age, few years to go, and I'm buggered if, after working for 42 years, I'm going to be tied down doing regular childcare.

Nor would my children expect it.