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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think its morally poor not to provide ANY childcare whatsoever as a grandparent, if you are retired and in good health?

957 replies

uniformotxa · 13/04/2023 11:21

I have young dc and no childcare issues aside from the horrendous cost. My parents, like many others I know, enjoy being with dc but it’s pretty much always on their terms. They would take them for a day but it wouldn’t be consistent or reliable so couldn’t make it a regular thing.

Im not sure how I feel about this and on balance I think it’s pretty morally dire. Luckily I can afford childcare and nursery but I perhaps would feel more strongly if I couldn’t. However, whilst it’s easy for me to say this now, I do think I would step up and do some childcare for my dc if they had children. I can’t imagine just letting the days roll by leisurely and not setting aside even one day a week to be a reliable help.

I know in other cultures this is standard and families pull together much more. AIBU to think there is actually a moral obligation here, to make some form of childcare contribution, however small?

OP posts:
Easterfunbun · 13/04/2023 11:23

Hmm, I’m on the fence. I didn’t receive hardly anything from both sets and it did sting. What I will say is, you reap what you sow. I don’t think my kids will be overly close to their grandparents in adulthood and that’s probably a factor. I already see loneliness on both sides. I do hope to be involved more in childcare to my own grandchildren. My Nan was and we adored her right until she took her last breath.

SquareRootOfAllEvil · 13/04/2023 11:24

No. You decided to have children, so it’s your responsibility. They’ve done their child-rearing.

I do think they should help out in an emergency, but then I think anyone should help others out in emergency situations if they can.

Christmascracker0 · 13/04/2023 11:24

No I don’t think they are obligated, it’s a bonus if they do. They have done their child raising and didn’t force you to have children, that was your choice.

Goodoccasionallypoor · 13/04/2023 11:24

You'll be told many times on this thread that they have done their parenting and that they owe you nothing but I agree with you.

My MIL tried to get us to move countries and buy a house on her street so she could help, but would only be willing to do half a day a week!

Thefrogwife · 13/04/2023 11:24

Erm, I'm expecting my first child and my parents and my husband's parents all live three hours away, so maybe my perspective is a bit different here but...unless your parents were actively involved in your decision to have a child, I.e. you consulted with them when you were thinking of becoming pregnant, I would say no. By having my baby, I don't feel I'm signing up for childcare duties in 30 years time- what if they have 5 kids and I want to live abroad in my old age?

ButFirstTea · 13/04/2023 11:25

We live over 300 miles away from our parents on both sides, not sure it's always a moral issue!

Littlemissprosecco · 13/04/2023 11:26

It’s a tricky one isn’t it!
I have one set of grandparents who are just so lovely, and the other set couldn’t give a stuff, but are full of resentment when the differences are noticed. It would be nice if they all found a middle ground. But I think that morally, that has a lot to do with culture and personalities involved

Nordicrain · 13/04/2023 11:26

You say "ANY" childcare which is misleading. They are offering some childcare. You want regular and consistent childcare to replace nursery. YABU.

I would never not help out my kids with sporadic childcare, but I am not sure that after working my entire life that I would be up for providing regular week on week childcare. It's a huge commitment in time, in effort, in energy. I don't think that's fair to expect of someone and they are certainly not morally obliged to supply it.

Twike · 13/04/2023 11:26

@Goodoccasionallypoor That's a pretty generous offer! Half a week of childcare would save you a ton of money and be so nice for your kids. Do you think she should work full time for you and offer a full week!?

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 13/04/2023 11:27

I think there is a huge difference between a regular commitment and ad hoc help. I think the former is a huge ask - it’s not one I’m comfortable making of grandparents. I would feel disappointed at no occasional baby sitting from fit, active grandparents but still wouldn’t call that morally dire.

BellaJuno · 13/04/2023 11:27

Nope, totally disagree. In future I will help my children out in emergencies with childcare but won’t be offering any regular childcare, I just don’t want to do it and don’t feel bad about it.

TempNCforthis · 13/04/2023 11:27

People on here can be very odd. This is your own child who needs help!

I wouldn't want to commit myself to full time childcare, I know that. I would commit myself to school drop offs and pick ups every day, though if I wanted to go away then I'd expect to be able to do that. I wouldn't want to take my holidays in term time.

When the children were little I would commit myself to eg every weekday morning or afternoon, but just wouldn't want to do the full day. I think I'd find it too tiring!

WandaWonder · 13/04/2023 11:28

So parents can have as many children as they want and grandparents have to put up with it?

Mind you when they do help they are called taking over and controlling

So maybe they need to live in a box and just jump out when their children whistle so they can help?

Tinkerbyebye · 13/04/2023 11:28

Difficult one. I wouldn’t want to see my children in strife over childcare and would like to think I would offer to help. Lots of benefits including a closer relationship with grandkids. However I also know people who have taken on the role if daily childcare which has to much

what makes me laugh though us I know someone who had lots of help herself from parents with childcare but refused to help her kids out saying they chose to have kids!

AdeIe · 13/04/2023 11:29

There's no obligation don't be so ridiculous. If they wanted to restrict their lives with regular childcare they would. For you to expect something is grabby. You chose to have your kids. My PILs have never offered to have my kids, never had them overnight and they are late teens now. I dont love them any less or think any less of them, that's their choice. They see plenty of them while we are all there, and love them dearly. There's no issue.

Hazelnuttella · 13/04/2023 11:29

I’m hugely grateful that my DM does 2 days per week regular childcare. She seems to enjoy it.

I don’t think it’s a moral obligation though.

Goodoccasionallypoor · 13/04/2023 11:29

Twike · 13/04/2023 11:26

@Goodoccasionallypoor That's a pretty generous offer! Half a week of childcare would save you a ton of money and be so nice for your kids. Do you think she should work full time for you and offer a full week!?

You think it's worth moving to a different country for half a day of childcare a week? Seriously?

We weren't looking or asking for that as we live in a different country but she said she really wanted to see our son grow up - so maybe we could move to her road and she could spend Friday afternoons with him.

Is that generous?

HandbagsAtDawns · 13/04/2023 11:30

No I don't, I would hate to be tied down to do something/anything regularly however much I loved them it really isn't my responsibility to save you money on the choices you made freely
I would happily help out where I could but I'd not feel obliged to do so every week by putting my plans off

red78hot · 13/04/2023 11:30

I get your point but it isn't anyone's responsibility to look after your children but yourself. I always remember my dad commenting about an Aunt who did a lot of childcare for my cousins with the remark " you don't retire to look after your grandchildren" this was said to me years before my DC came along.
HOWEVER, I now have a 9 month old, and the emphasis on me to let them regularly see him are relentless, one comment was"we haven't seen him for 3 days".
It doesn't matter if I say I'm really busy ( I run a little craft business which I still need to keep going during maternity leave from main job). He'll mention going for a coffee, I'll say set a day then every week so I can plan, but he won't, just let us know he'll say, we'll I'm just so swamped with baby, housework and business stuff that i don't arrange anything. There's never a mention of taking him for a little walk just to give me even 30 minutes to blast through the house a bit. No matter how many times I say I'm struggling, I just get guilt tripped if they don't see him at least once a week!

Chenford · 13/04/2023 11:30

Nope. No moral obligation whosoever.

Your choice to have kids.

Bippertyboo2 · 13/04/2023 11:31

I don't think you can appreciate ahead of that time just how tiring childcare can be after about 65 even for apparently fit and healthy grandparents even with the best will in the world.

GettingThereCharleyBear · 13/04/2023 11:31

Dh and I plan to spend our retirement travelling so we couldn’t provide consistent childcare. It wouldn’t work. We’ll obviously do weekends, evenings etc when we’re around and we can but not once a week. When would we get time to ourselves?

My in laws have done the same - they step up when we need them but they love to travel and we would never have stopped them doing that to save us nursery fees.

herlightmaterials · 13/04/2023 11:32

In theory I struggle to put expectations on grandparents as they have done their bit. Equally I wouldn't expect adult children to help with parental care as they never signed up for that.

In practice I would not feel able to look at my struggling daughter, one day, and tell her that I won't be part of the village that helps to raise her child because I'd like to get my nails done.

LaGiaconda · 13/04/2023 11:32

Well, I'm a grandparent and distance is an issue. If I were to move closer to my older daughter and two grandchildren, I'd be further from my son and younger daughter.

I am still in part-time employment but am thoroughly enjoying having more leisure time after many years looking after three children and my elderly father-in-law. My retired partner is currently doing demanding postgraduate study.

I also sense that if I were to offer to be in a position to look after my grandchildren more regularly, though I would find it rewarding on some level, I would be given a great many 'rules' - and not just ones applying to basic health, safety etc - that I would be expected to follow. This would be fine if I were a paid nanny, but as an unpaid Grandma not being allowed to drawn on my own experience and values could be a bit frustrating.

So visits every few months - and help in the event of any crisis - is where it's at for the foreseeable future.

LadyPenelope68 · 13/04/2023 11:32

Morally wrong? How utterly ridiculous! You’ve chosen to have children, you bring them up and pay for childcare if needed. Grandparents should not be expected to provide free childcare.