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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think its morally poor not to provide ANY childcare whatsoever as a grandparent, if you are retired and in good health?

957 replies

uniformotxa · 13/04/2023 11:21

I have young dc and no childcare issues aside from the horrendous cost. My parents, like many others I know, enjoy being with dc but it’s pretty much always on their terms. They would take them for a day but it wouldn’t be consistent or reliable so couldn’t make it a regular thing.

Im not sure how I feel about this and on balance I think it’s pretty morally dire. Luckily I can afford childcare and nursery but I perhaps would feel more strongly if I couldn’t. However, whilst it’s easy for me to say this now, I do think I would step up and do some childcare for my dc if they had children. I can’t imagine just letting the days roll by leisurely and not setting aside even one day a week to be a reliable help.

I know in other cultures this is standard and families pull together much more. AIBU to think there is actually a moral obligation here, to make some form of childcare contribution, however small?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 13/04/2023 11:43

Let's get it right, In other cultures, it's the women that have the burden of the family, until death. I'm my DD's childcare to two, now primary age children. I've made it clear that I won't do it again. If she has another baby, then I'll help with school pick up etc, but it's nursery after maternity leave. If she/they want a baby, then have their baby, I don't want a baby. My DD knew her partner was a shit Dad and provider when she planned the second. We were honest when she announced her pregnancy. Like the double burden of being a working Mother/woman, because very few couples are equal in household tasks, it's now extending to childcare from Grandmother/Auntie. Although I will say that there's a few grandfathers helping out were my GC live. It's like we have to sacrifice ourselves on the alter on Motherhood and by way of being a daughter (for older/disabled relatives). __

WhatNoRaisins · 13/04/2023 11:44

My DC are still young and I guess I could feel differently later but I can't see myself wanting to take on responsibility for any other children. Ad-hoc fine but the ball and chain of regular days is a big ask.

What I don't like is when grandparents ask (or plead and beg) to do regular childcare and then change their minds. Especially when the parents move nearer because of these promises. It sounds like your parents have tried to be honest with you.

Goodoccasionallypoor · 13/04/2023 11:44

Obviously no one is obligated to offer childcare but isn't the point here that family should be more than legal responsibilities and obligation?

The 'you chose to have your kids' line is true, but ops parents also chose to have her and having a family should mean more than getting them to 18 and waving them off into the world.

I always find it a bit sad to read about families where the parents seem to be watching the calendar for their kids turning 18 so they can cut the strings and get back to their own lives.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 11:45

Nope. Your choice to have children. There is no moral obligation on your parents to provide childcare.

CovertImage · 13/04/2023 11:45

I know in other cultures this is standard

What do "other cultures" have to do with how it's done here? In some "other cultures" they practice FGM or send girls and women away whilst they're having their period. I wouldn't aspire to either

Albiboba · 13/04/2023 11:46

No, I don’t agree. Grandparents don’t have any choice over having a grandchild or not. Why should the be obligated to provide childcare?

OoooohMatron · 13/04/2023 11:47

I agree with you but then my Nan used to look after me and my cousin all the time whist our mums were at work. My parents can't help me as they are 3 hours away but definately would if they lived closer. In my opinion it's just a decline in traditional family values, nobody is willing to help any more.

Spacie · 13/04/2023 11:48

I am not a grandparent but a lot of my friends are, and from my perspective they seem hugely taken advantage of for childcare. They can't do some of the things they want to, they catch endless bugs and at least one of them seems ground down by it.

theGooHasGone · 13/04/2023 11:49

Absolutely not. Your kids, your responsibility.

BIWI · 13/04/2023 11:49

So basically, @uniformotxa, you're calling your parents (and any other retired grandparent) immoral. Because they won't drop everything for you and your children.

Not nice. Really not nice.

I don't have grandchildren (yet) but if and when they come along I'm prepared to help out if needed, but I absolutely will not promise to commit to frequent or consistent childcare. All through my working life, since the age of 16, I've been beholden to someone else's timetable. Now I'm retired, my time is (very much) my own.

To say that's immoral is actually pretty offensive - as well as entitled.

pinkyredrose · 13/04/2023 11:49

I know in other cultures this is standard

Which cultures? One's where women's rights aren't seen as important and women are expected to endlessly look after kids until they're not needed anymore?

Tealsofa · 13/04/2023 11:49

Absolutely not!

CremeEggThief · 13/04/2023 11:50

YABU. If healthy retired people choose not to spend the majority of their time looking after young children, that's entirely up to them.

Plenty of parents have to sort their own childcare with no family help whatsoever.

I haven't had any help at all for anyone since I left home at 18 and I think this should be the norm, tbh. Anything extra is a bonus!

prettygreenteacup · 13/04/2023 11:50

It's not a moral issue at all OP! Just because their kids choose to have kids, does not make them morally obliged to sacrifice their free time and own lives to regularly do childcare all over again!

My parents have never had a regular childcare set up with me. We paid the silly amounts every month for pre-school years childcare and now pay for wrap around care. But as a result, my parents willingly and happily help me out in school holidays and babysitting weekends if needed; but that is on their terms, not mine. I'd be using my annual leave for school holiday cover if they said no. And I certainly wouldn't be angry if they did say no. There is no moral part to it, it's their life and choice to do some childcare.

Upwiththelark76 · 13/04/2023 11:51

Absolutely not . Your kids you look after them . Grandparents are not unpaid for childcare unless of Course they choose to be.

thefamous5 · 13/04/2023 11:51

Absolutely not.

My parents live two hours away and adore my children but even if we lived next door I wouldn't expect any childcare. I wouldn't even ask, unless it was an emergency.

My parents, when they retire (they're still early 60s), will deserve to sit and do nothing all day if they want to. They did their child rearing, they've worked full time, it's their time to enjoy. If they want to just fuck off to the pub; they can. If they want to dive into their motor home for a spontaneous day away, good on them. Why should they be limited because of my choice to have children?

They've also got 8 grandkids - how could they look after all of them at once.

Entitled to fuck

gooseduckchicken · 13/04/2023 11:51

No, I don't expect anything from grandparents. One set of grandparents are not able to provide any help due to health issues. The other set take dc for two night sleepover once a year so DH and I can go away for a weekend. Other than that, they help out in emergencies, as in hospital attendance emergency.

It's all very well saying grandparents should provide regular childcare but I know lots of women that have agreed to provide childcare for their first grandchild and this has set an expectation for the parent of that child for future grandchildren and the woman's other children that she will be "fair" and provide equal childcare for their future children; fast forward a few years and Granny has 9 kids of varying ages who she cares for, provides meals for and does school runs while her adult children couldn't comprehend having to pay for childcare because they've never had to factor it into their budget so they ignore that Granny is a wreck because they think they can't afford any other option.

Maireas · 13/04/2023 11:51

NashvilleQueen · 13/04/2023 11:35

I've brought up two children alone and worked full time. My retirement age is 67. If you think that I'm going to sign myself up for regular childcare which will mean I can't take advantage of term time bargains and ad hoc social opportunities to look after grandchildren then I'm sorry to disappoint. I'll happily step in as and when but no one should expect my time on a regular and committed basis. It's the first time since my mid 30s when I potentially have total freedom.

This. Exactly.

DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 13/04/2023 11:52

Grandparents are not morally obligated to provide childcare for their grandchildren. I would say there’s a moral obligation on the part of the parents to have ensured they had plans and adequate funds in place for childcare before deciding to have children themselves.

Maireas · 13/04/2023 11:53

pinkyredrose · 13/04/2023 11:49

I know in other cultures this is standard

Which cultures? One's where women's rights aren't seen as important and women are expected to endlessly look after kids until they're not needed anymore?

Yes, those cultures. If women now don't want to spend well earned retirement doing childcare - that's their choice.

Iwasafool · 13/04/2023 11:53

My GM did lots to help my mum, my mum did lots for me, I've done loads of childcare with GC. I think families vary, if it isn't a thing in your family then that's how it is, if it is the norm in your family and your parents benefitted from it then it is poor now to pass it on.

AhNowTed · 13/04/2023 11:54

In my experience grandparents get royally taken advantage of.

Some of the posts on here from grandparents are shocking.

Changechangechanging · 13/04/2023 11:55

There is no moral obligation to provide childcare for your children/grandchildren. You are wrong to have had children expecting regular help. It’s not unreasonable to want to have a lie in, go away on a whim, be able to have coffee with friends or attend a medical appointment. It’s not unreasonable to want to do all that without feeling guilty you are letting family down or just doing all that without answering to anyone else.

bunhead1979 · 13/04/2023 11:55

It did sting a bit that my parent was not interested in being with my children. I didn't expect child care to work but I did expect they may be interested and want to spend time with them.

I spent so much of my childhood with relatives so my parents could socialise/have free time, so it felt weird that my parent wouldn't think that I might want a small bit of that sometimes.

As a result though my kids are grown now and hardly know their grand parent even though they live nearby. Also the lack of interest/contact that mean when and emergency did happen (I had to go in to hospital etc) then the kids were not comfortable with the grandparent- which also was not ideal, so even on a very low commitment practical level it would have been helpful.

I can't imagine not being interested in my children children and wanting to help out from time to time, its just so alien to me to feel like that.

LovePoppy · 13/04/2023 11:55

Expecting others to do free consistent child care for children you chose to have is ridiculous.

your parents help when they can.

I hope you enjoy your version of morally superior and plan to give your life over to your grand children