to think its morally poor not to provide ANY childcare whatsoever as a grandparent, if you are retired and in good health?

[uniformotxa]

I have young dc and no childcare issues aside from the horrendous cost. My parents, like many others I know, enjoy being with dc but it’s pretty much always on their terms. They would take them for a day but it wouldn’t be consistent or reliable so couldn’t make it a regular thing.

Im not sure how I feel about this and on balance I think it’s pretty morally dire. Luckily I can afford childcare and nursery but I perhaps would feel more strongly if I couldn’t. However, whilst it’s easy for me to say this now, I do think I would step up and do some childcare for my dc if they had children. I can’t imagine just letting the days roll by leisurely and not setting aside even one day a week to be a reliable help.

I know in other cultures this is standard and families pull together much more. AIBU to think there is actually a moral obligation here, to make some form of childcare contribution, however small?

Anyone under 50 saying "I would..." needs to bear in mind that life is very different a couple of decades later. No matter what you'd like to do, or intended to do, a lot of things can change. There are many people judging GPs here, based on how the poster feels at this point.

While I am very grateful for generally good health and joints that still work, my energy levels have slumped massively in the last couple of years. I hate it, frankly, but keep reminding myself that compared to others I'm very fortunate.

But the me who would have said 20 (or even 10) years ago, that I'd love to have my GCs two or three days a week, is not the me now. I still love having them, and have not yet said no whenever I've been needed. But there's no way that I could now look after a couple of toddlers on my own regularly and for multiple days a week every week, even though I do go for long walks and have backpacking holidays. It's a totally different kind of energy. I love having mine for a day and a sleepover. It's really special time. But then I'm drained.

As I said way back in the thread, remember before you first had kids, and all the things you said you'd be as a parent? Multiply the difference when you actually became one, by 100 and you get the GP equivalent. You simply can't predict nor imagine with any accuracy, who you'll be in your mid 60s+, or how your parents feel, energy-wise... because you haven't experienced it yet.

That said, yes, I do feel for some of the posters here whose parents are nearby and won't even step up in an emergency or other practical need. That must hurt a lot.

I'm not good at phrasing things well.
But in a nice way, you are feeling entitled.

No. They should not have to help. Its nice if they do. But no.
You chose to have kids. You are responsible for them.
It is unreasonable to expect someone to come to alleviate your problems.

If anything I would say that if you have older parents, maybe you should consider taking care of them rather than expecting them to help take care of you still.

If anything I would say that if you have older parents, maybe you should consider taking care of them rather than expecting them to help take care of you still

Why? They chose to have kids- so the same rationale applies. Unless you have kids for the sole purpose of looking after you when old but thats just as entitled

Because the grandparents have probably looked after two generations - their parents and their own children. Bloody hell, think things through instead of just leaping to shame the older generation.

Many older adults do put money aside for their retirement, or free up assets like their house to pay for care. But it can be unpopular with their kids who don't want to see their inheritance go up in smoke.

No I don't think it is morally wrong for GPs to provide no childcare. However, they are likely to lose out in terms of a relationship with their GC. Beyond that, it isn't morally wrong for children to provide no care for an aging parent either. The former might also influence the latter, especially where grandparents watch the younger generation struggle with finances as a result of nursery costs etc.

Hmm. Are you up for them moving into your digs when they get crumbly in return???

I never received any childcare help from my parents and I never asked. We got on very well, there were no issues on that front but, after seeing how some of my siblings abused the privilege, I didn't want to put that burden on them. My DM had 6 children, can you imagine if we all off loaded our DCs on them?

What a ridiculous OP. Of course they’re in no way obliged to help you, they’ve already brought you up. That’s a massive sense of entitlement you have. Look after your own kids / you decided to have them and now you’re pissed off that you can’t fob them off when it pleases you. Tough!

I dont think they should be obligated to, but I find it very odd that more parents don't want to spend the time with their grandchildren or help out their children.

Really? You genuinely find it hard to understand why people in their 60s/70s/80s aren’t lining up to set an early alarm and run around after exhausting small children all day, for free, giving up the freedom of their retirement after a lifetime of paid work?

I would bet my right arm that 90% of grandparents would ADORE more time with their grandchildren. Quality time, afternoon visits, outings and time as a wider family. Sadly there are too many entitled adult offspring who are only interested in facilitating time with grandparents if it benefits themselves financially. Because ‘weekends are family time’ and ‘surely they WANT to spend more time with the kids’ and unless they’re willing to labour through their retirement for free they clearly aren’t interested in the kids 🙄

All this faux confused ‘I just can’t understand why they aren’t more interested in the grandchildren’ in response to any grandparent who has to set clear boundaries to avoid being taken advantage of as the unpaid nanny and worked into an early grave, is just embarrassing.

I’m quietly looking forward to being nanny! The thing that worries me is being fair. My own kids are spread over more than a decade and I suspect I will have better health and energy for the eldest’s family than the youngest.

I am a bit bitter that bother my parents and in-laws threw themselves into helping with my nieces and nephews, but seemed to expect us to get on with raising ours.

My mum and aunts and uncles and wider family were married young and had kids young. My mum became a gran at 37. I will likely not be a gran until I am over 60, I can’t retire until I am 67 so not sure after working since 18 and raising 4 DC that I will be committing to regular childcare. Baby sitting, holidays , weekends away no problem but not regular allocated childcare

@TheChoiceIsYours Fantastic post @21:32. This is why we need a 'Like' button.

I agree, great post!

The people solely responsible for the upbringing of their children are the parents who chose to have them.

Nobody else.

It isn’t hard to comprehend surely? You wanted them, you had them, you take care of them.

Surely you're forgetting that if you marry a man with kids you automatically become responsible for the stepchildren 🙄

@Nimrode and @Liorae are spot on, @TheChoiceIsYours - your post is perfect!

We do care for our grandson one day a week.

We are exhausted and it's no fun and, to be honest, we don't want to do it.

I would sooner give my daughter the money to put him into childcare but she'd be offended as she thinks we love having him.

I don't know why grandparents should be expected to have their grandchildren. Grandparents aren't generally asked before they decide to have a baby!

Yes its tiring my friend minds 2 days. Ties your days too. I agree should not be presumed. But not nice either expectations of elderly now and we never got help. !!!

I’ve found raising my own kids really hard work. My partner has DCs that are younger too so my whole parenting experience is being stretched out (not that I parent them, but in terms of mindset, and things like travelling) - I don’t resent it at all, but once it’s done, it’s done. I would love to be the person that helps out and means the parents can have nights out, get stuff done etc, but I would not want to provide regular relied upon childcare to facilitate working.

My daughter believes the same. I love him, enjoy his visits with dd, even having him for a few hours so that she can get things done I enjoy but long days of childcare are tiresome, exhausting and not fun at all.

It's very kind of you but isn't it worth risking offending her? And how offensive can it be to say "we love him, he's great, but it's just too much for us to do a long day every single week"?

If you moved to paying for childcare once a week and offering ad hoc help evenings and weekends, that might work out for you both. I know we hardly ever went out when ours were small because we didn't like to ask any more favours from GPs. We "used up" all our favours on work and didn't have any left over for fun. It's even possible your daughter is "lending" him to you thinking you love it and would be quite happy for him to have an extra day in childcare instead.

Don’t do that to your kids. They exist because you wanted them, not because they’re obliged to be caters for one another.

@LetsStartFromScratch you should absolutely say that you don't want to do the childcare any more. You only get one life.