To be jealous that H took step kids abroad a lot but not mine

[superchargerheaven]

Before we were together H had loads of foreign holidays with his first family. They went most years. My Step dc are all adults now well into their 20s and 30s. H is older than me by 10 years and we've been together 14 years and have 2dc of our own 13 and 9. I have a 17 year old as well.

We have only taken them abroad once and it was only France, and was awful as was years ago when they were really tiny.
We go away most years but only UK

I feel like he's been there done that with the family holidays. and so doesn't feel the need to take ours abroad. it's not a money thing as he has a much better job nowadays and I earn well too so we're probably better off than he was when he was with exw

But I'm really poorly travelled due to (regrettably) not travelling enough in my youth pre dc mostly due to lack of money. And my parents did not have the money to take us abroad when we were kids. and I don't want my dc to be. If I pushed him I think he'd agree to it reluctantly but I want him to want to though .

Tbh I think some of it is jealousy he's had his first family before me. H and our dc are my first family as I was a lone parent with my eldest and so all my experiences are new 😔 . But holidays are a particular bugbear

I’d reserve judgment before knowing if OP has only considered long haul flights worthy, without a specific goal in mind (Disney would be a classic example, have you tried that ?

First paragraph, yeah my uncle is like that (and he has more money than we could ever dream of, but mocks our ‘low cost’ (in his world 1k is low cost, whatever) summer one week explorations of Europe, in the meantime he hasn’t done a thing, oldest is 18, second 13 and they have never been anywhere, and his wife sadly has been hospitalized for depression when oldest moved out this year).

Second, definitely agree.

Third, it’s all personal preference I’d think. I just think with 3-5k it becomes a bit silly to say you can’t afford anywhere.

What a massive problem to have in the middle of the colc…

Thank you for your helpful contribution 😊

Do some research, find somewhere where you and your children, including your 17 yr old would enjoy (if he hasn't been abroad much, he may welcome a hot, sunny beach holiday with watersports). Then you tell your husband you're taking the kids away yourself. If he doesn't want to go fine, it would be a shame, but don't deprive yourself because he's jaded about foreign holidays.

£5k isnt going to get 5 of you long haul in the school summer holidays.

and aince your children havent had that travel experience, it shouldn't be long haul or nothing. That denies them the experience completely.

if you are struggling to price up, go in to a travel agents and ask them. Get teo date examples. Get two different destinations. Get them fully priced up. Ask him which he prefers.

you can always take them alone if he refuses to go.

I can't explain fully but h is one of these people who has an answer for everything and who it's hard to argue with You mean a bully.

I would strongly advise when discussing this with him that you NEVER admit to any jealousy of his other family, or make comparisons. If you do, I guarantee this will become a you problem in his eyes.
Regardless of his past life, he is your partner now and the father of your children, and as such, it's perfectly reasonable for him to engage in family holidays.
It was entirely his choice to marry a younger woman and have a second family and he should have the decency to accept this comes with obligations. One of which is to accept he will need to cheerfully and enthusiastically repeat experiences he has already had, regardless of how tedious it may feel second time round. Personally I'd be telling him that.
Unfortunately for you, his age is an issue. I'm 50s, and the men of my age are all to some extent losing their zest for life, becoming grumpier and more selfish. This is frustrating enough for their same age partners, so I can only imagine how it must feel for a younger woman with young children. But, unless his health is declining, he should be capable of putting his own desire for a slow pace aside and stepping up to meet the needs of his family. I'd tell him that too.

Are you sure that his previous holidays are actually the wonderful experience that you feel you’re now missing out on? Maybe he hates going abroad, and likes UK based holidays. My DH went on lots of holidays abroad booked by his exW but he hates flying, dislikes the sun, hates beaches… he loves hiking, which exW wouldn’t entertain. We build totally different holiday memories.

Luckily my son has been abroad a lot with his father so at least one of my kids is fairly well travelled!

This is all really helpful thank you 🙏 I definitely know that my jealousy is a me problem and I won't bring it go with him. I wouldn't like it if he had a problem with anything I did in the past before him, I'm aware it's irrational and not fair

It's so depressing that a lot people are saying similar to your last paragraph As I say I did not sign up to be married to a boring miserable fucker

He used to be so fun honestly our life in the early days was literally amazing we had such a laugh even just doing the most mundane stuff. And we did stuff like mini breaks etc even though back then we were skint etc .

If he won't, take them yourself. They're quite old enough to be easy to travel with. I bet if you start forging ahead with that he will miraculously change his mind...

You had a family before you met him. You and your ds were a family. Getting jealous of a precious partner is maybe acceptable (I don't think it is as most people have a past) at the beginning of a relationship but really not when you are so many years in. Like pp have said perhaps it was the ex wife that arranged all the holidays. The bigger issue is that you earn good money yet aren't able to make these decisions for yourself and he gets to control things. Ignore the excuses, book without him, question him, talk to each other. If you stay this passive you aren't going to get anywhere.

As I say I did not sign up to be married to a boring miserable fucker

I can't believe you're talking about your husband like this just because he's not organising holidays.

The fact is op, you're the one who hasn't been anywhere, not him. It is mainly on you to fulfil your own ambitions rather than sit around blaming your husband and pining for 'long haul' travel.

She's not. She's talking about him like that because he is being off putting about family holidays. I'd also hazard a guess that there are other ways in which he has changed from the 40 something man she met, who was happy to enjoy a last hurrah with a younger partner, without giving a thought to the future needs of that partner (and, worse, the young family he created) when his desire to slow down clashed with their expectations of a fulfilling family life.
The OPs experiences may not be his responsibility, but those of his children certainly are.

Please tell me what the 'colc...' is.

Yeah, sure, but then maybe op shouldn't have married a man who is 10 years older and had already raised a couple of kids? She's not a child.

It sounds to be like op is blaming her husband for not providing things she can actually do for herself.

cost of living crisis ... never heard it called 'the colc' before though.

Don't mention his past.
Just say you fancy going abroad and show him your ideas of destinations and hotels.

I know I could do things without him ...but I really want to do things with him as a family 😔

As I say we used to have so much fun together so it's a real shame he no longer wants to

@5128gap

"She's not. She's talking about him like that because he is being off putting about family holidays. I'd also hazard a guess that there are other ways in which he has changed from the 40 something man she met, who was happy to enjoy a last hurrah with a younger partner, without giving a thought to the future needs of that partner (and, worse, the young family he created) when his desire to slow down clashed with their expectations of a fulfilling family life.
The OPs experiences may not be his responsibility, but those of his children certainly are."

Yes this is what I mean !

Then find a good travel agent. They can maybe find bargains you can't and they'll organise it all

The OP married a man ten years older who at the time was no doubt presenting as still youthful , energetic and enthusiastic, and giving her the impression he had the capacity for life with a young partner. As they do.
The OP has not moved the goalposts here. He has. And unless he has health issues, then at 51, its very likely from choice not necessity.
There are plenty of steps an older partner can take to minimise the impact of the age gap. Keeping fit, making sure the energy they do have is expended on their family rather than on more selfish pursuits, even putting a game face on at times and doing things they'd rather not.
The OP aside, he owes it to his children.

The OP married a man ten years older who at the time was no doubt presenting as still youthful , energetic and enthusiastic, and giving her the impression he had the capacity for life with a young partner. As they do.

You make this sound premeditated, as though he somehow tricked her.

My husband and I are both different now compared to when we met, that's how life goes. He's not ageing out of spite.

It sounds to me like op needs an awful lot of handholding - that doesn't sound like fun to me.

As I have got older I am less bothered about going abroad. I used to go overseas a lot but now go rarely due partly to environmental reasons and partly the hassle of long flights/ different language and money etc. What is fun when younger can be more stressful when older plus my job is stressful so I don't want stress on holidays.
If you do fancy going abroad it may be worth deciding exactly what you want to do and being firm about your desire to do it.

Well said.