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Original poster

To be jealous that H took step kids abroad a lot but not mine

248 replies

superchargerheaven · 13/04/2023 08:40

Before we were together H had loads of foreign holidays with his first family. They went most years. My Step dc are all adults now well into their 20s and 30s. H is older than me by 10 years and we've been together 14 years and have 2dc of our own 13 and 9. I have a 17 year old as well.

We have only taken them abroad once and it was only France, and was awful as was years ago when they were really tiny.
We go away most years but only UK

I feel like he's been there done that with the family holidays. and so doesn't feel the need to take ours abroad. it's not a money thing as he has a much better job nowadays and I earn well too so we're probably better off than he was when he was with exw

But I'm really poorly travelled due to (regrettably) not travelling enough in my youth pre dc mostly due to lack of money. And my parents did not have the money to take us abroad when we were kids. and I don't want my dc to be. If I pushed him I think he'd agree to it reluctantly but I want him to want to though .

Tbh I think some of it is jealousy he's had his first family before me. H and our dc are my first family as I was a lone parent with my eldest and so all my experiences are new 😔 . But holidays are a particular bugbear

OP posts:
Original poster
superchargerheaven · 13/04/2023 11:37

@Bumblebeestiltskin yeah of course I've looked but it's usually 3/4 times that from what I've seen

I'm clearly Looking in the wrong places 😆

OP posts:
PutinSmellsPassItOn · 13/04/2023 11:38

Woman up, put your big girl pants on and book something. It's unfair.your dc are missing out whilst you wait for their dad to finish titting about.

Book a package holiday, something family orientated with loads of activities so it's all done for you. Book it for yourself and your dc, tell him he can add his name.if he wants but that's up to him.

Go into a travel agents, they can advise you about airports etc (( we always fly into Reus instead of Barcelona if we go to that end of Spain because the airport is tiny and easy to navigate. Cuts down on the stress loads ))

LysHastighed · 13/04/2023 11:39

Don’t focus on agreement.
Just say that it seems that you have different ideas about whether the best kind of holiday is at home or abroad, so you can just alternate each year who picks.
Then set a date and budget that is independent of the location. The person whose year it is does all the work.

Tiredalwaystired · 13/04/2023 11:39

marseille · 13/04/2023 09:19

As someone not from the UK, it strikes me that you guys are utterly obsessed with holidays.
Seems to be something that must happen at least once or twice a year.
I think I've been on 4 holidays with my now grown up children.
Are they deprived? I'm starting to feel terrible.
Holidays were spent at home, friends visiting , a day at the beach, lunch with Grandma, that type of thing.

Just a thought - is your country usually nice and warm?

That might explain the British need to escape more!

Skankhunt84 · 13/04/2023 11:42

It was probably his ex wife pushing for and booking these holidays. Maybe DH wasn't bothered about them back then either.

If you want these holidays maybe you need to be pushy with him too. Tell him you want to go abroad, tell him he needs to get annual leave booked off, then go can go ahead and book the holiday.

CatsAddictedToDreamies · 13/04/2023 11:45

I'm not British but I am definitely obsessed with holidays. When I was growing up we went away for 2 weeks every year to Indonesia; Fiji; Singapore; Hong Kongl China; The south pacific etc and for a week somewhere clsoer to home (3 hours flight max). I was really lucky and grew up knowing about and being interested in other cultures and languages and cuisine. i have since then worked in 8 different countries from as little as 3 months to 8 years in duration. I think the exposure to the outside world was invaluable. I definitely want my children to grow up knowing about other countries and exploring the world.

DH on the other hand just wants to stay at home and tinker with his collection of motorbikes. So I get the OP's frustration.

liveforsummer · 13/04/2023 11:46

marseille · 13/04/2023 09:19

As someone not from the UK, it strikes me that you guys are utterly obsessed with holidays.
Seems to be something that must happen at least once or twice a year.
I think I've been on 4 holidays with my now grown up children.
Are they deprived? I'm starting to feel terrible.
Holidays were spent at home, friends visiting , a day at the beach, lunch with Grandma, that type of thing.

If you live somewhere that you can pretty much guarantee pleasant weather for at least a few weeks of the year you are unlikely to have the same desire for a foreign holiday

Original poster
superchargerheaven · 13/04/2023 11:48

CatsAddictedToDreamies · 13/04/2023 11:45

I'm not British but I am definitely obsessed with holidays. When I was growing up we went away for 2 weeks every year to Indonesia; Fiji; Singapore; Hong Kongl China; The south pacific etc and for a week somewhere clsoer to home (3 hours flight max). I was really lucky and grew up knowing about and being interested in other cultures and languages and cuisine. i have since then worked in 8 different countries from as little as 3 months to 8 years in duration. I think the exposure to the outside world was invaluable. I definitely want my children to grow up knowing about other countries and exploring the world.

DH on the other hand just wants to stay at home and tinker with his collection of motorbikes. So I get the OP's frustration.

God how amazing

And how frustrating your h just wants to stay at home ...waste of life imo

OP posts:
FriendsDrinkBook · 13/04/2023 11:53

He might simply dislike going abroad op. Hopefully he'll tell you the truth instead of giving silly excuses.

Rosesarered222 · 13/04/2023 12:00

Totally besides the point but I can’t get over a UK break being 3k. I travel a lot with my kids. Just come back from Spain for 5 days . Flights and hotel for the 4 of us were £650 spending money just £200/ day. - love holidays is your best friend if your looking for a bargain.

you say you’ve seen holidays double the price of your UK holiday budget- I guess that would be the case if you’re looking at Mexico or Hawaii??? But I quick European trip shouldn’t be costing 6k unless your doing a crazy villa of very luxury hotel.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 13/04/2023 12:08

At 13 and 9 your DC are the perfect ages to enjoy a holiday abroad. Tell your DH that you feel it’s an important part of their education to go to another country and experience another culture and language. Is your 13 year old wanting to study any language, history, geography, art or food tech for GCSE? I can think of so many reasons that children benefit hugely from trips abroad!

Sugargliderwombat · 13/04/2023 12:32

My OH is forever saying we can't afford a holiday. I find a good deal and convince him. His ex probably did this rather than he's had a huge change of heart. People who like booking holidays tend to continue. Holiday hypermarket is a great site for a package, check the tripadvisor reviews. 😄

MelchiorsMistress · 13/04/2023 13:26

superchargerheaven · 13/04/2023 11:29

@Cherry8809 bloody hell that's insane !! Had no idea you could go that cheap

OP you sound like you haven’t even tried to look for yourself and when you say you want your DH to want to go on holiday with you, what you really mean is you want him to do all the thinking, looking, booking, organising, everything. You just want to show up at the right time and be taken away like a child. It doesn’t work like that. I can understand why your DH is reluctant to do all of the work for something he isn’t really interested in. You are more capable than you think. Booking a holiday and then going on one is not difficult if you have the money, you just need to put in a bit of time and effort.

Get yourself onto some holiday websites and inspire yourself. There are loads, love holidays, booking.com, last minute, Tui. Trip advisor is really helpful too. Or go into a travel agent and pick up some brochures to look through the old fashioned way.

If you want a holiday them have one, but stop trying to force another adult to do something they don’t want to do, especially when you are making no effort to facilitate it yourself.

Qwertyyui · 13/04/2023 13:31

Take them on your own! I holiday on my own with my DD. We are not a typical blended family I spend time alone with my dd a lot as she doesn't really get on with DSC and so I don't force things. If DH doesn't want to come along as he feels bad on his kids he stays at home. Sometimes you need to be selfish and make your own memories x

Original poster
superchargerheaven · 13/04/2023 14:40

@MelchiorsMistress that is not true at all it's not that I want him to do all the organising not sure where you have got that from.

I guess I just think ...why did he want to go abroad with his first family but not ours ?

OP posts:
Original poster
superchargerheaven · 13/04/2023 14:40

Apairofsparklingeyes · 13/04/2023 12:08

At 13 and 9 your DC are the perfect ages to enjoy a holiday abroad. Tell your DH that you feel it’s an important part of their education to go to another country and experience another culture and language. Is your 13 year old wanting to study any language, history, geography, art or food tech for GCSE? I can think of so many reasons that children benefit hugely from trips abroad!

Definitely

OP posts:
WitcheryDivine · 13/04/2023 14:47

why did he want to go abroad with his first family but not ours ?

I think this is a really unhelpful line of thought as it means you're assuming that he preferred his first wife/kids over you and your children. Do you honestly have any other reason to think this?

Tonnes of more likely reasons including:

  • he's older/slower (with kids in their thirties he is obviously 30 years older than during their first holidays as a family)
  • his first wife did all the organising and he doesn't want to be arsed
  • he never liked foreign holidays much and with you he can get his own way and stay closer to home
  • he's a skinflint and has become more so as he's got older - this often happens
  • he's just a bit helpless - like you I'm afraid OP - about this and assumes everything will be too difficult and expensive (I am a bit like this too sometimes so I understand)
  • he can't be arsed with airports etc

Thinking along those lines you've mentioned is utterly futile and will lead to misery probably for no reason.

Dishwashersaurous · 13/04/2023 15:17

You will struggle to go abroad for five people with all the costs in the school summer holidays, for £3k
Not June, but school summer holidays.

So.how much can you afford to spend . Maybe hes telling the truth and you cant afford it

cloudonego · 13/04/2023 15:27

I can see what you mean OP and it could be a case of "been there and done that", so I would say you need to take action and not be passive about it. Tell him what you'd like/need, and come up with a plan together. It may be you get lumbered with more of the admin, but I guess that's what being proactive is, otherwise the alternative is that you'll see no change and you won't travel, you've been dealt your hand, I hope your DH listens and helps but if he doesn't do what you can to improve the situation and get that holiday booked.

Original poster
superchargerheaven · 13/04/2023 17:01

Dishwashersaurous · 13/04/2023 15:17

You will struggle to go abroad for five people with all the costs in the school summer holidays, for £3k
Not June, but school summer holidays.

So.how much can you afford to spend . Maybe hes telling the truth and you cant afford it

We could do £5k plus spending money if it was somewhere really cool

Wouldn't spend £5k on Europe though tbh

OP posts:
MenopauseSucks · 13/04/2023 17:03

He's a lot older now with your children than with his older children - their adults in the late 20s/30s, he's 10 years older than you.
Maybe his ex-wife used to do all the planning & he had more energy then?

Dishwashersaurous · 13/04/2023 17:04

So £1000 per person.

Which in school summer holidays isn't actually that much.

That's the cost of a standard cheap package in the school holidays.

Going out of Europe will be significantly more expensive because of flight costs.

I know it's really difficult for you but could you ask a friend to cost up the sort of holidays you like.

So you can see about whether his arguments about cost are accurate or an excuse

Original poster
superchargerheaven · 13/04/2023 17:42

MenopauseSucks · 13/04/2023 17:03

He's a lot older now with your children than with his older children - their adults in the late 20s/30s, he's 10 years older than you.
Maybe his ex-wife used to do all the planning & he had more energy then?

He's only 51

Honestly it's so depressing that people are saying he's getting older and slowing down or whatever. 51 isn't old but it's depressing because I'm wondering this myself. I'm still young (ish!) and most importantly I'm physically fit and still up for wanting to do loads in life and not waste it

I mean it's not even just the taking the kids abroad. my parents offered to have the kids this year for a week or so so that we could have a kid free holiday too

H is Not interested in that either

I did not sign up to be married to a boring fucker . He used to be fun

I am feeling massively depressed now because tbh writing all this has made me worried about our future

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 13/04/2023 17:46

OK. So your further update gives a different slant.

This is nit about holidays per se, but it's about whether he is actually any fun

Testina · 13/04/2023 17:56

“could do £5k plus spending money if it was somewhere really cool

Wouldn't spend £5k on Europe though”

So as well as France being “only” France, you’re writing off the whole of Europe as not being really cool?

Long haul doesn’t automatically = cool.

What exactly do you want from travel, if you’ll write off an entire continent with a rich history, masses of UNESCO heritage sites, lots of languages, amazing scenery, well set up for tourists - museums, boat trips, water parts… because it’s not “really cool”.