To be jealous that H took step kids abroad a lot but not mine

[superchargerheaven]

Before we were together H had loads of foreign holidays with his first family. They went most years. My Step dc are all adults now well into their 20s and 30s. H is older than me by 10 years and we've been together 14 years and have 2dc of our own 13 and 9. I have a 17 year old as well.

We have only taken them abroad once and it was only France, and was awful as was years ago when they were really tiny.
We go away most years but only UK

I feel like he's been there done that with the family holidays. and so doesn't feel the need to take ours abroad. it's not a money thing as he has a much better job nowadays and I earn well too so we're probably better off than he was when he was with exw

But I'm really poorly travelled due to (regrettably) not travelling enough in my youth pre dc mostly due to lack of money. And my parents did not have the money to take us abroad when we were kids. and I don't want my dc to be. If I pushed him I think he'd agree to it reluctantly but I want him to want to though .

Tbh I think some of it is jealousy he's had his first family before me. H and our dc are my first family as I was a lone parent with my eldest and so all my experiences are new 😔 . But holidays are a particular bugbear

Maybe he really doesn't like going abroad and it was his ex-wife who pushed for it. Perhaps the experience in France when the children were little has put him off - you said it was "awful".

But, I do think it's unfair. You would like to go abroad and you would like your children to have that experience. So I think you need to put your foot down and say that the next holiday will be abroad. Get recommendations from friends and help with booking if you need to.

He's been to that Portugal water park place 😠

YANBU if you are presenting it as, ‘DH, here is a holiday I’ve found in Spain for these dates, leaving from this airport at this time. It’ll cost xyz and I think we’ll need another xyz for spending money. We can do xyz when we are there’. If it costs a similar amount to your UK holidays then he can’t really justify a point blank no.

Bit more unreasonable if it’s an abstract ‘I want to go abroad’ with no follow up of where/when. It’s clearly not his priority so you need to make it your priority. If he still doesn’t want to then go alone with the DC. You can’t make him want something - id hazard a guess all the previous holidays were organised by the ex wife.

I haven't read every post, but I wanted to make two points, the first especially as you have said you are not NT.

1. You've implied that not going abroad makes you feel that your DH values his new family less than his earlier family. This must feel horrible, but I don't think that he realises that you feel like this, and he is not likely to unless you tell him. This point needs discussing in a loving way between the two of you.
2. Covid. My own travel has changed a LOT since Covid - perhaps this is part of his reluctance to travel? Personally I also feel that plane travel is not a great idea any more, but there are alternatives to this, (and the alternatives also address some of my own reservations about post-Covid travel, which are to do with the mean way that airlines recirculate air in their aircraft prior to takeoff rather than introducing fresh air. But I digress.)

@superchargerheaven

I assume you don’t have passports ? maybe you need to start there. Signal your intent

Well he can show it to you then.

By 'more sinister' I mean that you don't seem to be on an equal footing. Which you should be. Why does his word carry more weight than yours? Does he control your finances?

He's been to that Portugal water park place 😠

And has he refused to go back? Or do you just want it to be new for everyone?

Against the grain here, but I totally understand where your DH is coming from. My DP loves holidays abroad, I really don't like them with family, I find them hard work and not even remotely enjoyable (quite the opposite to traveling with friends/alone!).

Sadly my DP is similar to your DH, they want me to "want it" and have totally ruled out the option of going away with DC without me no matter how often I suggest/encourage it. They keep threatening to "just book something" and "give me the dates" but I think they know that I'd happily drive them to the airport and wave them off rather than go along with them!

Speaking from the other persons point of view, the constant and relentless whining for a holiday abroad that I have "to want" when I simply don't is beyond tiring and I'm really not sure what they hope to achieve. Why they think I should have to go and have a miserable time just so they can "go on a plane as a fmaily" is beyond me (well no, it isn't, they want the organisation, and child care abroad done for them so they can enjoy themselves while I deal with everything).

this is what travel agents are for!

If you want it so badly, organise it and go. You cannot make your husband want to go but if just you and your children went on holiday abroad together it would be a very special bonding experience. Just do it! if you have a brilliant time your husband might want to tag along next time.

He's probably annoyed at the cost you could pick up a relatively cheap late deal not the case anymore. As he's been there done that he doesn't want to shell out but it's selfish. Definitely just book and present him with half of the bill 🤣

@BoredWithLife I hear you. The dynamic is the other way round in our family. My DH takes on more mental load and childcare than I do due to the unpredictable nature of my job. He’s keen for holidays abroad, but if he wasn’t, I wouldn’t push it as realistically, he’d be the one doing most of the work to make it happen. I’m not saying that’s the OPs situation, but it’s worth considering.

She can’t just decide she’s not putting up with it and tell him it’s happening.

she doesn’t have the right to force him to go on holiday nor does she have the right to keep pestering him when he’s made it clear he doesn’t want it. That’s would be manipulative and controlling, something that you would no doubt object to if OPs husband was trying to make her do something she doesn’t want to.

Theres nothing stopping OP going on holiday with her own money if she wants to go.

Have a think about where you want to visit the most and then look up on trip advisor and on here about the best parts to go and what to do etc.

Then tell him you want to go here and you’re planning to book it and when is best for him.

Then go to a travel agents and they will help you.

I too have never been on holiday and as a lone parent I’m a bit worried so I’m planning on saving up and going on a cheap cruise.
I’m thinking this will be easier as everything is on board and you don’t have to worry too much.
I’m planning to ask for advice on here when I’ve managed to save up a bit more.

Unfortunately, this is one of the downsides of being with someone older and who has had kids already.

I have a friend in a similar situation where she wants to still go out and do lots of things whereas her DH now just wants to relax and stay home because he’s done it all and now he’s at a different stage in his life.

If I was you and he definitely doesn’t want to go then I would look at going alone or taking a friend or family member.
You shouldn’t be held back by him.

I echo just getting on and doing it. My DH is like that. A total home body and never wants to go anywhere. I used to hang around waiting for him to want to do any of the stuff I suggested. In the end I just got on and did it myself. I have taken the DCs to several places now alone. He finally came on a trip with us this easter when he overheard my DS2 commenting casually; 'Dad is not really part of the family, is he?'. It shocked him. I had to say that actually I thought DS had a point. I gave the holidays as an example.

I would say how you feel re him doing all these exciting things with his other children. I would ask him if he considers himself to be a part of your family and if he cosniders your family to be of equal importance. I would say that i am getting on and not limiting my kids lives like he feels they ought to be limited. Then I would see what he says to that. His response might well inidcate you DO have to do it yourself. You may need to find a way to be content with that, or maybe it is something you decide you can't live with- being second best in his eyes. It's his loss.

I always book the holidays and present DH with the bill (half) we have a brief discussion about where would like to go and dates but I make the decision. He's very passive and the only holiday he would actually book is his skiing ones which I don't like hahaha. I think you will need to do the booking.

Not quite @MelchiorsMistress, as it depends how the family finances/childcare are split. Also, they are his children (mostly) so he should be contributing. Remember he went on a holiday with just himself and his own children, that's why the op has started a thread.

Ah, correction. I read it wrong! Sorry. He's not recently been abroad.

I think its reasonable to take DC away, however you cant make him! If you are otherwise happy then it seems a pity to let something quite small( in the scheme of things)worry you.A while ago it was much cheaper and easier to go overseas .Friends had a wait of around 2 hours recently onboard as there was an airstrike over Paris .What about taking the kids on your own? or do they have School Trips still.My own DC went to New York with his (State)School. had a great time .We have been abroad as well. But had lots of hols in Devon and Cornwall I just think its not a big problem really .Also couldnt have been so great as they divorced!

He went away with his ex wife from the sounds of it, not just his own children. And like you say, we don’t know their financial set ups, maybe the ex wife did all the organising and planning and contributed significantly to the cost.

No parent is obliged to pay for their children to go abroad if they don’t want to so while he should and does contribute to the cost of his children, a holiday is a luxury extra, not a necessity that he has a responsibility to provide.

Either way, no one should be continually pressured into doing something that they have expressed they don’t want to do.

I wonder if OP would be so desperate for him to go on holiday if he hadn’t been with his first family and if this is more about her jealousy than her genuine desire to go on holiday. Because if it is just about going on holiday, there is nothing stopping her.

Talk to him. Don’t make comparisons with the past, but just explain why it matters to you (you want the children to have cultural experiences and to feel confident going abroad, you want to broaden your own horizons, make some new family memories etc).

Tell him it matters to you and it would mean a lot if he recognise your wants and agree to prioritising the time off and expense. And then get him fully involved in the planning (Is there somewhere he has always wanted to go? Does he prefer hot or cold weather? What length of flight is doable?).

If money is something that is being mentioned, maybe just show him a couple of options that prove abroad doesn’t have to equate to more expensive than the £3k you’ve been paying to go away in the UK.

I just had a super quick search on Love Holidays (2 adults, 3 children (under 18 is still classed as a child on there), 2 rooms, flights from any London airport, 7 nights from 1st June 2023), and there were so many options available coming in at way below that amount.

Love holidays you always have to add on luggage and transfers. It's also not school holidays on 1st June.

'Only France'

Can you hear yourself?

If you want a holiday then organise one.