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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous that H took step kids abroad a lot but not mine

248 replies

superchargerheaven · 13/04/2023 08:40

Before we were together H had loads of foreign holidays with his first family. They went most years. My Step dc are all adults now well into their 20s and 30s. H is older than me by 10 years and we've been together 14 years and have 2dc of our own 13 and 9. I have a 17 year old as well.

We have only taken them abroad once and it was only France, and was awful as was years ago when they were really tiny.
We go away most years but only UK

I feel like he's been there done that with the family holidays. and so doesn't feel the need to take ours abroad. it's not a money thing as he has a much better job nowadays and I earn well too so we're probably better off than he was when he was with exw

But I'm really poorly travelled due to (regrettably) not travelling enough in my youth pre dc mostly due to lack of money. And my parents did not have the money to take us abroad when we were kids. and I don't want my dc to be. If I pushed him I think he'd agree to it reluctantly but I want him to want to though .

Tbh I think some of it is jealousy he's had his first family before me. H and our dc are my first family as I was a lone parent with my eldest and so all my experiences are new 😔 . But holidays are a particular bugbear

OP posts:
lionsleepstonight · 13/04/2023 08:54

If I waited for my DH to book a holiday we'd never go!

Here's a plan

Speak to DH about going away
Agree dates
Agree budget
Agree who's booking
Get passports renewed
Book holiday

LIZS · 13/04/2023 08:55

Like what? Maybe he too was put off by the one in France. Costs to go abroad have risen disproportionately since he would have gone before. Find and cost up somewhere you fancy ,then have a conversation. If you go away in UK he should be able to book leave.

Dishwashersaurous · 13/04/2023 08:55

And for basically three years covid did make travel more difficult, vaccine, paperwork etc.

But sit him down and say I want to go to Greece, or wherever, this summer

Maray1967 · 13/04/2023 08:56

There is no way I would put up with this. I’d be asking him why foreign holidays were great for his older DC but not for yours - point out the unfairness.
I’d put my foot down and say where you’re going and then get on and organise it. If I waited for my DH to book a holiday I suspect we would never have gone away.

BartsLongLostBro · 13/04/2023 08:56

Go alone.

I can see why the way you feel the way you do but just plan to go. You don't want to have regrets because of him.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 13/04/2023 08:56

Well, what are his excuses?

Starlitestarbright · 13/04/2023 08:56

I can't imagine a 17 year old wanting to holiday with you guys tbh at that age they are out with friends. Have you asked him?

Testina · 13/04/2023 08:56

So you’re basically jealous because his first wife was less passive than you?

VivaVivaa · 13/04/2023 08:57

What are his reasons for not wanting to go abroad? Climate change? Fear of flying? Dislike of hot weather? He will be expected to plan it all? It’s hard to advise without knowing why he’s keen to not leave the UK.

countrygirl99 · 13/04/2023 08:59

What do you say when he6 makes his "lame" excuses?
Do you re-iterate that you don't want a UK holiday or do you shrug your shoulders and passively accept it?

Original poster
superchargerheaven · 13/04/2023 09:00

Maray1967 · 13/04/2023 08:56

There is no way I would put up with this. I’d be asking him why foreign holidays were great for his older DC but not for yours - point out the unfairness.
I’d put my foot down and say where you’re going and then get on and organise it. If I waited for my DH to book a holiday I suspect we would never have gone away.

Thank you 🙏

I'm glad you get what I mean

OP posts:
Original poster
superchargerheaven · 13/04/2023 09:00

Starlitestarbright · 13/04/2023 08:56

I can't imagine a 17 year old wanting to holiday with you guys tbh at that age they are out with friends. Have you asked him?

Yeah he might not tbh ! And that would be okay but I'd give him the choice

OP posts:
TheNoodlesIncident · 13/04/2023 09:01

Maybe he didn't enjoy the holidays abroad with his first family and feels relieved you've not seemed too bothered about having them? Not everybody likes being away, and the more things that are different they less they like it. Or it might be that he doesn't like the heat, or flying, or the procedure at the airport. I think you should talk to him and find out what his feelings on it actually are, because at the moment you don't seem to know.

fairgame84 · 13/04/2023 09:01

My DBro was like this, always an excuse not to go. SIL just went ahead and booked and went with her sister, left DBro with the kids.
They split a few years ago and DBro went abroad with his new girlfriend. No idea why he never went with SIL but I think new gf pretty much told him they were going and booked it. He's the sort that just goes along with stuff if it's done for him.

Pick somewhere, tell him it's happening.

Original poster
superchargerheaven · 13/04/2023 09:02

I am also clueless at how to find and cost up holidays etc ...I am not NT and so find it really difficult esp as I've never done it as I have never really been many places !!

OP posts:
Cinnamon23 · 13/04/2023 09:03

I’m the ‘designated holiday planner’ in our house. DH isn’t overly fussed and would happily not travel, but will go and have a good time if nudged/someone else sorts it.

Just say ‘DH, I’m going to book this year’s holiday - fancy going abroad this year. Which dates can you take off work?’

Then book it.

aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2023 09:03

I feel like people are ignoring you saying he's making up excuses. That's pretty shitty, if money isn't a problem.

I would call him out on it, as a PP said.

Does he make you feel like his "first family" (I hate that term) are more important in other ways?

fairgame84 · 13/04/2023 09:04

superchargerheaven · 13/04/2023 09:02

I am also clueless at how to find and cost up holidays etc ...I am not NT and so find it really difficult esp as I've never done it as I have never really been many places !!

In that case the easiest way is a package. Have a look on the tui or jet2 websites, pick to fly from an airport that you can easily get to.

Starlitestarbright · 13/04/2023 09:04

Do you have an on going issue with his previous dc just the undertone of his first family seems off to me. Like others said it might have been his ex wife who organised it or he felt younger and more active with holidaying with children. Sometimes its not always a holiday.

Original poster
superchargerheaven · 13/04/2023 09:04

Sorry everyone I probably sound a right idiot 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
superchargerheaven · 13/04/2023 09:05

Starlitestarbright · 13/04/2023 09:04

Do you have an on going issue with his previous dc just the undertone of his first family seems off to me. Like others said it might have been his ex wife who organised it or he felt younger and more active with holidaying with children. Sometimes its not always a holiday.

No I really love the step dc honestly there's no issue with them

But I do feel jealous that he had a family before me I'm not Gona lie

OP posts:
LIZS · 13/04/2023 09:06

superchargerheaven · 13/04/2023 09:02

I am also clueless at how to find and cost up holidays etc ...I am not NT and so find it really difficult esp as I've never done it as I have never really been many places !!

Pick a tour operator who goes where you fancy, Run destination, dates, airport etc through the website and it will list options. You can filter by pool, proximity to beach, transfer time etc. Look out for extras like sea view room.

Winter2020 · 13/04/2023 09:09

No one is going to come out a winner in a conversation that starts "why did you take your first family abroad regularly and not ours?" You might as well say I'm feeling very insecure and feeling you loved the first family better. Reassure me that is not the case.

Where do you want to go?

You would be much better to say "I'd like us to go on a resort holiday this summer somewhere hot- let me know dates that work for you and I'll look into it". If he's not keen just tell him it is your preference and it's his turn to do what you want. Staying in the UK because you want him to want to is daft - everyone needs to compromise - he might enjoy it more than he expects.

Butchyrestingface · 13/04/2023 09:09

But I do feel jealous that he had a family before me I'm not Gona lie

You had a family before him too - your son.

You are over-complicating this. Sit down and do a dummy run of pricing things up then present the case to him and tell him you really want to do a foreign holiday... and you've done all the costings. All he needs to do then is pack a case, book time off, and turn up at the airport.

MissingMoominMamma · 13/04/2023 09:10

Go to a travel agent and price up a package with them. Then present it as a fait accompli!

Where do you fancy? Get something with stuff for your older child to do too. Is he sporty? Neilson do great beach holidays- check those out!