Page 10 | To be jealous that H took step kids abroad a lot but not mine

superchargerheaven · 2023-04-13T07:40:35+00:00

Before we were together H had loads of foreign holidays with his first family. They went most years. My Step dc are all adults now well into their 20s and 30s. H is older than me by 10 years and we've been together 14 years and have 2dc of our own 13 and 9. I have a 17 year old as well. We have only taken them abroad once and it was only France, and was awful as was years ago when they were really tiny. We go away most years but only UK I feel like he's been there done that with the family holidays. and so doesn't feel the need to take ours abroad. it's not a money thing as he has a much better job nowadays and I earn well too so we're probably better off than he was when he was with exw But I'm really poorly travelled due to (regrettably) not travelling enough in my youth pre dc mostly due to lack of money. And my parents did not have the money to take us abroad when we were kids. and I don't want my dc to be. If I pushed him I think he'd agree to it reluctantly but I want him to want to though . Tbh I think some of it is jealousy he's had his first family before me. H and our dc are my first family as I was a lone parent with my eldest and so all my experiences are new 😔 . But holidays are a particular bugbear

tenterden · 14/04/2023 11:56

I agree with @5128gap

My first DH was many years older than me and our initial life was full of holidays, fun, fun, fun.

Then he just became so boring. All he ever wanted to do was go to the pub. We split up when he was in his fifties. The age difference really showed then, in a way it didn't when he was late thirties, early forties.

Original poster

superchargerheaven · 14/04/2023 12:52

tenterden · 14/04/2023 11:56

I agree with @5128gap

My first DH was many years older than me and our initial life was full of holidays, fun, fun, fun.

Then he just became so boring. All he ever wanted to do was go to the pub. We split up when he was in his fifties. The age difference really showed then, in a way it didn't when he was late thirties, early forties.

This sounds depressingly familiar . Except mine isn't even into the pub

I'm not at the point where I'd give up though because there is so much good stuff. I've already had one failed marriage I don't want another one

I think this is bigger than abroad holidays and I need to talk to him .
But how 😔

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2023 15:03

Goodoccasionallypoor · 14/04/2023 10:23

Yeah, sure, but then maybe op shouldn't have married a man who is 10 years older and had already raised a couple of kids? She's not a child.

It sounds to be like op is blaming her husband for not providing things she can actually do for herself.

He's the one letting his kids down, not her. He's the one that should be thinking about whether he's doing his best for them, not going into having more kids knowing he can't be bothered with various things anymore but having them anyway.

Goodoccasionallypoor · 14/04/2023 15:15

He's the one letting his kids down, not her. He's the one that should be thinking about whether he's doing his best for them, not going into having more kids knowing he can't be bothered with various things anymore but having them anyway.

Not going on long haul holidays is letting his kids down?

I know of quite a few high income families who pretty much only ever holiday in the UK and France. Trips to Cornwall, the Lakes and North Wales with the odd Eurocamp holiday thrown in isn't that unusual. Are they all letting their kids down?

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2023 15:37

Goodoccasionallypoor · 14/04/2023 15:15

He's the one letting his kids down, not her. He's the one that should be thinking about whether he's doing his best for them, not going into having more kids knowing he can't be bothered with various things anymore but having them anyway.

Not going on long haul holidays is letting his kids down?

I know of quite a few high income families who pretty much only ever holiday in the UK and France. Trips to Cornwall, the Lakes and North Wales with the odd Eurocamp holiday thrown in isn't that unusual. Are they all letting their kids down?

No, but it's the context. If he is someone that thinks abroad holidays are important to kids, to then not do it for some of his kids because he basically CBA is letting them down.

And if it's indicative of a wider attitude, with excuses being made not to do things because he's old and tired, then it's letting them down.

rookiemere · 14/04/2023 16:51

Honestly OP, I'd stick with Europe for this holiday.
You want your DH to enjoy it - right ?

If you go for some hugely expensive long haul trip, it's going to cost a fortune- USA is ridiculous atm because of the exchange rate - and there's going to be a lot of pressure on everyone to have a holiday of a lifetime.

Go somewhere like Tenerife - the waterpark is amazing and is meant to be one of the best in the world. Pick a decent 4 star hotel in Costa Adeje and just go and have a relaxing break.

That's just one suggestion - think about what you like doing on your UK holidays and then try to capture some of that in your trip abroad.

Goodoccasionallypoor · 14/04/2023 17:31

*And if it's indicative of a wider attitude, with excuses being made not to do things because he's old and tired, then it's letting them down.

@aSofaNearYou*

Which of op's posts says this? I can't see this mentioned by op anywhere.

I only see it mentioned by other posters as the likely reason.

Honestly, there is so much projection on this thread it's ridiculous.

InSpainTheRain · 14/04/2023 18:25

Why don't you talk to him and then organise it? If he won't go then you take your DCs with you. Surely both are good options?

Nyna · 14/04/2023 18:36

My DH would also rather not go anywhere. But he says he wants me to be happy and to be around me while I’m happy, so he’ll be happy to come along if I organize it. He wouldn’t travel “for himself” though, nor spend the money. So it’s a way to show that he loves me.
Your DH realises this is important to you? Can’t he do it for you or your children?

MarvellousMonsters · 14/04/2023 18:55

Starlitestarbright · 13/04/2023 08:56

I can't imagine a 17 year old wanting to holiday with you guys tbh at that age they are out with friends. Have you asked him?

My 19 year old came on holiday with me last summer. Why wouldn't a 17 year old want a week away somewhere warm, with a pool etc?

Whatafliberty · 14/04/2023 22:18

Well either explain to him that this is really important to you, or take them on your own. They are not babies/toddlers anymore so it will be fun going with them.

Ive taken my DC’s to lots of places without DH, either because he couldn’t get time off work or didn’t want to go. We have always had a lovely time.
THIS

threatmatrix · 14/04/2023 23:15

If you can afford it book your own holiday and ask him if he wants to go.

cherish123 · 14/04/2023 23:29

Speak to him. It's not always more expensive to go abroad. If he says he doesn't want to, tell him you are taking dc on your own.

T1Dmama · 15/04/2023 17:10

Just say ‘how about we book a holiday somewhere nice this year? And suggest a place……. Send him some links to places you fancy and say ‘can you get X date off.

ots really not that difficult

Jeannie88 · 15/04/2023 17:55

Look at holidays abroad, show him, get excited, tell him how much you want to go! So what if he did it before, doesn't have to stop at any age and most likely after his first one he will love it and get the bug again? X

SeahorsesRock · 16/04/2023 08:35

My husband is Portuguese but speaks little Portuguese he has let his passport and ID expire and is struggling to get any contact with the consulate to renew it. His admin is rubbish and I usually do everything for him for an easy life but I can't do this. Does anyone have any ideas on how to help him?

Pinklemons9 · 16/04/2023 09:28

Tell him you’re booking a holiday abroad and ask him if he’d like to come. If he makes excuses say you’re booking it anyway. Go ahead and do it. He might get jealous and want to come. If not, well you’ve already said he’s boring so why would you want him there anyway.

RachaelN · 17/04/2023 16:14

Just book a holiday.

mummyflumms · 17/04/2023 18:51

I get where the husband is coming from, holidaying with the kids is hard work and he’s been there done that so why go to the hassle all over again. Like you said from the beginning it’s a wider jealousy issue, or rather FOMO. Does him going on family holidays in his past mean he loved/appreciated his ex and kids more? No, of course it doesn’t, but it’s perfectly natural to feel this way.

I think you’re 100% right to talk it through with him. Maybe just to get validation of all the things he loves about his new family.

failing that, book a damn holiday abroad, have a terrible time, and be thankful you don’t have a husband who drags you along to these gruelling torture trips more regularly.

5128gap · 17/04/2023 19:07

mummyflumms · 17/04/2023 18:51

I get where the husband is coming from, holidaying with the kids is hard work and he’s been there done that so why go to the hassle all over again. Like you said from the beginning it’s a wider jealousy issue, or rather FOMO. Does him going on family holidays in his past mean he loved/appreciated his ex and kids more? No, of course it doesn’t, but it’s perfectly natural to feel this way.

I think you’re 100% right to talk it through with him. Maybe just to get validation of all the things he loves about his new family.

failing that, book a damn holiday abroad, have a terrible time, and be thankful you don’t have a husband who drags you along to these gruelling torture trips more regularly.

So you think its acceptable for the children not to have a holiday with their father because he decided to have them after already having 'been there done that' with his other family; and this time wants to give the more hassley bits a swerve?

aSofaNearYou · 18/04/2023 14:29

mummyflumms · 17/04/2023 18:51

I get where the husband is coming from, holidaying with the kids is hard work and he’s been there done that so why go to the hassle all over again. Like you said from the beginning it’s a wider jealousy issue, or rather FOMO. Does him going on family holidays in his past mean he loved/appreciated his ex and kids more? No, of course it doesn’t, but it’s perfectly natural to feel this way.

I think you’re 100% right to talk it through with him. Maybe just to get validation of all the things he loves about his new family.

failing that, book a damn holiday abroad, have a terrible time, and be thankful you don’t have a husband who drags you along to these gruelling torture trips more regularly.

Don't you see the contradiction here? Why go through the hassle again? Because he supposedly "loves and appreciates" his younger children as much as his eldest, obviously. It's for them. How can you say "of course it doesn't" mean he doesn't appreciate them as much? Don't you think he should care about the experiences he gives them?

mummyflumms · 19/04/2023 12:52

nope. They apparently have holidays together in the UK, just not abroad.

mummyflumms · 19/04/2023 12:54

aSofaNearYou · 18/04/2023 14:29

Don't you see the contradiction here? Why go through the hassle again? Because he supposedly "loves and appreciates" his younger children as much as his eldest, obviously. It's for them. How can you say "of course it doesn't" mean he doesn't appreciate them as much? Don't you think he should care about the experiences he gives them?

Show quote history

Indeed I do. OP appeared to be lamenting that they only do family trips within the UK, not abroad as he did when when was younger and more wanderlustering whilst raising his first family.