To be jealous that H took step kids abroad a lot but not mine

[superchargerheaven]

Before we were together H had loads of foreign holidays with his first family. They went most years. My Step dc are all adults now well into their 20s and 30s. H is older than me by 10 years and we've been together 14 years and have 2dc of our own 13 and 9. I have a 17 year old as well.

We have only taken them abroad once and it was only France, and was awful as was years ago when they were really tiny.
We go away most years but only UK

I feel like he's been there done that with the family holidays. and so doesn't feel the need to take ours abroad. it's not a money thing as he has a much better job nowadays and I earn well too so we're probably better off than he was when he was with exw

But I'm really poorly travelled due to (regrettably) not travelling enough in my youth pre dc mostly due to lack of money. And my parents did not have the money to take us abroad when we were kids. and I don't want my dc to be. If I pushed him I think he'd agree to it reluctantly but I want him to want to though .

Tbh I think some of it is jealousy he's had his first family before me. H and our dc are my first family as I was a lone parent with my eldest and so all my experiences are new 😔 . But holidays are a particular bugbear

Apologies I've not given the excuses

So the excuses are it's money . But we have money ? We probably spend 3k a time on uk holidays easily so we can push it a bit more .
Plus I've offered to pay as I've been saving

And "the kids don't even want to go" NOT true - okay they haven't <asked> to go that is true but why would they ? They don't "ask" to go to bloody Devon etc we just take them

And "the kids won't like it" erm why wouldn't they ??? They like every other holiday we've been on

Feeling jealous of his first family is hurting no one but you.
Get some brochures and sit down with him this weekend. Though be prepared to go alone if he doesn’t want to. I’m that but older and tbh honest foreign holidays with kids just don’t appeal very much anymore. Been there, done that.

If you are not experienced booking a holiday I would say it is easier to book a package holiday so you don't have to worry about looking for flights and transfers to the hotel yourself.

Booking on a credit card can be helpful as if you have issues (cancellations etc) and your travel agent won't refund you the credit card offers some protection and mighg refund you.

When you find something you like the look of look at the TripAdvisor reviews for a general trend - but remember there is no pleasing some people.

The flight times given is the time your flight should be pulling off the tarmac. You need to be at the airport at least 2 or three hours earlier than that for an international flight. Ask you agent or read terms for closer guidance. Be careful of flight times e.g. 2am on the first of the month being the morning on the first of the month not the night time. We have had issues with this with lifts/transfers not arriving which is why I mention this.

The return flight will be given in local time so a flight could appear different lengths but will likely be due to take off and landing being given in local times and changing your clock.

If you go to America (or more far flung places) you might need to apply for visas. You can ask your travel agent or google to find out.

Easiest ways to handle the airport run are probably drive and prebook parking or a taxi if distance is OK.

If no-one has major ongoing health issues then booking travel insurance should be a five minute job online. Know what you are booking though in terms of the level of cover you have in place (amount of cover in £££ and what you are covered for) Read and consider the "extras" and odd ons and think about if you need them.

In some countries a GHIC card gives you access to the same level of health care as locals for the same cost as locals - so look into if that applies to your destination. But you still need travel insurance.

If you just want to go somewhere hot for example the choice can be overwhelming. If there is a country you fancy that would help to keep your research more manageable.

You can do this OP!

Be a lot more active in thinking about what you want, where you want to go etc in advance do you can feel stronger in the face of his reluctance
Think about your dream destination. Think about the type of accommodation that you’d like and would suit the family. Think about food etc.
if at the end of the day, he’s extremely reluctant, go without him.

I would put money on his ex wife organising those previous holidays.

It's too difficult for you to organise the holidays.

Thus they don't happen.

You need to ask him to prioritise this, and do what you are able to do to facilitate it. Are you able to identify what country you want to go to, then look for package holidays?

I would just research one place you'd love to go, rather than making it an abstract wish, and then persist. I think the energy would need to come from you. It sounds a bit as if you're waiting for him to make it happen for you.

Solidarity x

It's tough isn't it

1: It was probably wife 1 organising the family holidays. That was certainly the case in my home growing up. If it had been left to dad, we'd have never gone away. Mum organised literally everything.
2: In the grand scheme of things, it was cheaper then.
3: DH was 20 years younger then. It's much easier to do the full-throttle family holidays when you're 30, than when you're 50.

I know other ND people who use a travel agent to help them find holidays and sort a lot of the legwork, maybe you could do something like that? Or start a thread on the Holidays board, there are loads of posters on there who LOVE looking for holidays. Give them your criteria of must haves, nice to haves, budget and dates and they'll find you something!

Don't waste your time feeling jealous of his earlier family, it won't help you at all and your view is unlikely to be accurate as his reasons won't be because he "preferred his older children to yours". It's far more likely that he doesn't like travelling and his previous wife organised him to do what she wanted.

Oh god no I don't mean this badly 😔

Of course we were a family just the two of us (Altho as a lone parent of a baby / toddler we did not really do much!)
but I mean the traditional mum dad and kids set up

My first thought was he didn't arrange all those holidays in his first marriage OP. He sounds like a passenger for stuff like that.

Yep same. Holidays abroad were a rare occurrence, and we lived and managed to not be bitter about it either 💁🏽‍♀️

We NEVER holiday in the uk as 7 of us because it’s cheaper abroad we go twice a year get on sunshine holidays and say that now the kids are not babies and uk holiday parks are at a extortionate rate I’m thinking we should holiday abroad! You can’t not broach the subject and complain he’s shor it down already when he hasn’t!

Im certain even he misses holidays abroad I did in lock down!

I do understand how you feel, but you sound very passive.

Tell him you are going to book a holiday abroad, he can come or stay at home.

If you are worried about booking it, surely you have a friend or colleague who would help you? I absolutely love planning and booking holidays (was previously a travel agent) and help quite a few people.

You could start by posting in the Holidays section of mumsnet giving rough dates, budget, likes and dislikes. You will get lots of suggestions there.

When my DC were awkward teens, we sat down and wrote a list of five places each we would like to go to. That gave us a good starting point. We ended up based in Athens and did some island hopping.

Say you are thinking of going to X ( Uk destination) so what are his holiday dates. Once you have those book the abroad holiday you want, pay a deposit and then talk finances.

I get you feeling cross that he did it with his other kids, but isn't agreeing to now. But you need to decide what you want to do about it - feeling hurt isn't helping and you can't make him do it.

Tell him you are going away with the kids on holiday - you will organise and book what you want to do and he can come, or not. Give him a deadline and stick to it. Explain you've been upset for years, but you're not hanging around anymore letting the opportunity to enjoy overseas holidays with the kids evaporate. Its as much about you doing this, with your kids, for you, as anything else. Don't be upset - be firm and clear. Then just bloody do it.

If you would like a more adventurous trip try a company like G adventures. Look for their trips suitable for families. They are expensive, but amazing way to see a place and so much is included accommodation, transport in the country (flights out are separate), activities and some meals. You'll be part of a small group travelling around, but you have a local guide with you to do any worrying for you. You often have to pay for meals separately, but the guide will take you to good reasonably priced local places.

You will only have to get yourselves to the airport, suitable clothes, vaccinations etc . I think G adventures have a packing guide.

Some where like Costa Rica would be fantastic with the ages your kids are. The are busy trips, and tiring at times and in parts of the world a often less encomically developed, but with a local guide who can explain culture etc it is a great way to visit and so exciting.

Lonely planet thorntree forum is also a place to get lots of advice for planning trips.

Good luck and go for it if you can!

I'm still worried something deeper/more sinister is happening.

'Let's go to Greece this year'
'We can't afford it'
'Don't be silly, of course we can, we spend £3k on a Uk holiday, you can go on that'

If you're not saying the third line in response, what are you saying?

(Sorry for the millions of questions, trying to get to the bottom of it!)

I feel you here OP.

My partner and his ex wife, along with his step daughter went away every year.

Florida multiple times, Egypt, Tunisia, Greece, Jamaica, Dominican, the list goes on.

I did Lanzarote when we first got together, on my own with my children, and then we have done Tenerife twice. In 10 years.

The problem for me is that I found it hard at first to let someone else take the financial hit for kids, and as I could only holiday during school holidays it made a difference. With his ex, they didn’t mind taking holidays during term time.

Covid then got in the way, we do have our honeymoon this year, and the youngest is now 16, so I’m hoping we can do more holidays soon.

Go to a travel agent.

I understand the feeling of wanting him to want it but at the moment, he just doesn’t want it. You can’t change that and he’s not wrong for feeling the way he does but neither are you.

If you want a holiday, have a holiday. Plenty of single parents or parents who have left a partner at home have gone away with their children on their own. Your children are old enough to be company and be helpful, so all you need to decide is if you’re willing to go away without your husband. If you are, great, start looking at where you’d like to go, but if you aren’t then you’ll just have to suck it up because he doesn’t want to go abroad and it’s not fair for you to keep pressuring him.

Start saving your own money and planning the holiday you want with your children. You don’t have to be completely dependent on him.

But I do feel jealous that he had a family before me I'm not Gona lie

until you can find a way to deal with this you are hurting no one but yourself. Surely you knew this when you got with him? It's insane to be jealous of a past life, that he no longer lives!

Like many other women, on here I always organise our holiday.

OP if you want to go abroad do some searching and then put the package to your husband

More sinister ? How do you mean ?

I do say that and then he just says something like oh we'll need more spending money or something like that

I can't explain fully but h is one of these people who has an answer for everything and who it's hard to argue with Grr 😠

I wouldn't be putting up with it.

Stop accepting his lame excuses and tell him its happening.

In your place I would look at somewhere that has a great waterpark nearby like in Portugal/Spain or Duirell near The Hague.

All of your children are at an age where they would love the fun of waterparks.

Well mine certainly did anyway.