Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous that H took step kids abroad a lot but not mine

248 replies

superchargerheaven · 13/04/2023 08:40

Before we were together H had loads of foreign holidays with his first family. They went most years. My Step dc are all adults now well into their 20s and 30s. H is older than me by 10 years and we've been together 14 years and have 2dc of our own 13 and 9. I have a 17 year old as well.

We have only taken them abroad once and it was only France, and was awful as was years ago when they were really tiny.
We go away most years but only UK

I feel like he's been there done that with the family holidays. and so doesn't feel the need to take ours abroad. it's not a money thing as he has a much better job nowadays and I earn well too so we're probably better off than he was when he was with exw

But I'm really poorly travelled due to (regrettably) not travelling enough in my youth pre dc mostly due to lack of money. And my parents did not have the money to take us abroad when we were kids. and I don't want my dc to be. If I pushed him I think he'd agree to it reluctantly but I want him to want to though .

Tbh I think some of it is jealousy he's had his first family before me. H and our dc are my first family as I was a lone parent with my eldest and so all my experiences are new 😔 . But holidays are a particular bugbear

OP posts:
Aerosarethebest · 13/04/2023 09:10

I think what might help you psychologically here is doing something that your H’s first family didn’t do. Did they ever try a cruise? Or UK but some part none of you have ever been to - the Shetland islands or the outer Hebrides. Majorca? Corsica? Croatia?

aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2023 09:11

No one is going to come out a winner in a conversation that starts "why did you take your first family abroad regularly and not ours?" You might as well say I'm feeling very insecure and feeling you loved the first family better. Reassure me that is not the case.

Well if he's doing things to make her feel that way then she should address it and he should reassure her!

Starlitestarbright · 13/04/2023 09:11

Why are you jealous that's not particularly healthy op.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 13/04/2023 09:12

You can't make your husband want what you want, but you can book a holiday for yourself and your children and give him the option of coming or not.

VivaVivaa · 13/04/2023 09:12

superchargerheaven · 13/04/2023 09:02

I am also clueless at how to find and cost up holidays etc ...I am not NT and so find it really difficult esp as I've never done it as I have never really been many places !!

Really hard organising things like holidays when you are ND, so don’t feel silly at all. Do you think DH knows all the planning will inevitably fall to him and he doesn’t want to take this on right now? Not saying it’s a legitimate reason, but you still haven’t really answered exactly why he’s so resistant to going abroad. Was his ex actually the one responsible for booking all these trips?

familyissues12345 · 13/04/2023 09:13

Is it his age?

I have a friend who has 4 children, the older two are mid to late twenties, the younger two are early to mid teens.

She's very open that the younger two don't get anywhere near as many experiences as her first two - she doesn't want to take them abroad, join sports clubs etc. She blames feeling too old and "been there, done that" with the older two.

I feel a bit sorry for her younger ones. I just wonder if it's an age thing with your husband? My friend just wants a quieter life now

arethereanyleftatall · 13/04/2023 09:13

Can you tell us what sort of lame excuses he is giving op?

It's diffficult to advise without knowing what he is saying, because I expect this is the tip of a bigger problem.

If you're going on a Uk holiday, it can't be getting time off work, so it must be finances? Is that right?

And, so, is it true? How are your joint finances?

NurseCranesRolodex · 13/04/2023 09:14

superchargerheaven · 13/04/2023 08:40

Before we were together H had loads of foreign holidays with his first family. They went most years. My Step dc are all adults now well into their 20s and 30s. H is older than me by 10 years and we've been together 14 years and have 2dc of our own 13 and 9. I have a 17 year old as well.

We have only taken them abroad once and it was only France, and was awful as was years ago when they were really tiny.
We go away most years but only UK

I feel like he's been there done that with the family holidays. and so doesn't feel the need to take ours abroad. it's not a money thing as he has a much better job nowadays and I earn well too so we're probably better off than he was when he was with exw

But I'm really poorly travelled due to (regrettably) not travelling enough in my youth pre dc mostly due to lack of money. And my parents did not have the money to take us abroad when we were kids. and I don't want my dc to be. If I pushed him I think he'd agree to it reluctantly but I want him to want to though .

Tbh I think some of it is jealousy he's had his first family before me. H and our dc are my first family as I was a lone parent with my eldest and so all my experiences are new 😔 . But holidays are a particular bugbear

Why can't you look into it and arrange then?
I'm sure everyone would enjoy. Is it possible that you feel a bit self conscious about it now as its been a long time and you haven't mentioned it.

Your wording of the issue is along lines of, "DH took SC on holiday but not mine".... Why is it upto him? His ex probably arranged everything, perhaps it caused more problems in their marriage, built up debt, maybe he hated going abroad, maybe just hasn't got a clue you feel a bit hard done to. I'd start off by asking where he'd think would be a good destination for your DFam. If he's anything like many men he'd be happy to never travel again.

Daisydu · 13/04/2023 09:17

I totally understand. I have felt this a bit with my dp. He did a lot with his ex, a lot that we haven’t. I actually told him the other day I was feeling a bit jealous about it.. he’s now started to make plans for us to do some things. I think some men, well mainly men, just don’t think. You do need to spell it out sometimes. Just tell him you want to go abroad a bit now, kids are good ages for it.. and start planning.

AwaaFaeHom · 13/04/2023 09:17

My ex didn't do holidays - so I just went with the kids on my own. If he doesn't want to go, then surely he shouldn't have to? But that shouldn't stop you.

Goodoccasionallypoor · 13/04/2023 09:18

H and our dc are my first family as I was a lone parent with my eldest and so all my experiences are new

This is very harsh on your eldest child. Surely he was your family before you met your husband? Or were you just waiting for a man to come along until you could start your life?

ArcticSkewer · 13/04/2023 09:19

So many different things it could be.
Money - you are 5, he has 4 kids who he supported for years if not now, whereas in the past they were 4 and no other kids to support.
Age - he's a lot older, maybe he can't be bothered, some people age prematurely.

Most likely ... his wife was the dynamic one in their relationship and booked the holidays. You wait for permission and the dynamic is different. He chose someone younger perhaps for a new dynamic where he is more in charge, even? They may have had a totally different style of relationship.

If you want it, sort it!

marseille · 13/04/2023 09:19

As someone not from the UK, it strikes me that you guys are utterly obsessed with holidays.
Seems to be something that must happen at least once or twice a year.
I think I've been on 4 holidays with my now grown up children.
Are they deprived? I'm starting to feel terrible.
Holidays were spent at home, friends visiting , a day at the beach, lunch with Grandma, that type of thing.

Baabaa75 · 13/04/2023 09:20

I'm a bit baffled by your post, if you want foreign holidays arrange them 🤷 if DH doesn't want to go he can stay at home. I don't understand why you don't go abroad, does your DH make all decisions and arrange all travel in your house 🤔

Skybluepinky · 13/04/2023 09:20

Stop moaning get booking a holiday.

beAsensible1 · 13/04/2023 09:23

superchargerheaven · 13/04/2023 08:46

I cant just book it as He has got to agree to it ie book time off work and agree to where we go and to me using family finances etc as it won't be cheap for 5 of us!

I want him to want to as much as I do

Maybe I should just tell him what I've said on my Op but tbh I feel embarrassed to even feel like this he will think I'm mad 😞

and it wasn't cheap for them when he was previous family but clearly was important enough o spend the money.

tell him the dates and book the holiday or if he doesn't want to go, go without him.
You are an adult! Woman up and get on with it. stop wallowing and make it happen

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 13/04/2023 09:23

I imagine unfortunately raising 2 families is more expensive than expected and now he still has younger children but should be planning financially for retirement

Hohohole · 13/04/2023 09:23

superchargerheaven · 13/04/2023 09:02

I am also clueless at how to find and cost up holidays etc ...I am not NT and so find it really difficult esp as I've never done it as I have never really been many places !!

I can help with that I'm not NT and my special interest is looking up holidays. Where would you like to go?

Codlingmoths · 13/04/2023 09:26

I too want to know what the excuses are because to be honest I’d say so why wasn’t that an issue with your older dc who you took abroad all the bloody time? I don’t want our dc to miss out and I get you’ve done the overseas holidays wiht your older dc but not with our children, don’t our children count? Don’t they deserve holidays? It feels like you don’t think so!!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 13/04/2023 09:27

So... What excuses is he giving??

Id just get on and price up options... We've found overseas massively cheaper thab holidaying in UK.

Oneandonly22 · 13/04/2023 09:28

Let him know how you feel and if he still say he doesn’t want to go then you go with the kids. I always took my eldest DS on holiday when it was just him and I. I met my DP when he was 4 and he wasn’t fussed about going on holiday so I still took DS. We since had 3 DC together and he still didn’t seem bothered about going on holiday but I still took kids away. My DP came last year and loved it and we go again this year. Maybe he just needs a gentle push and will enjoy it when you go.

NoodleNuts · 13/04/2023 09:28

marseille · 13/04/2023 09:19

As someone not from the UK, it strikes me that you guys are utterly obsessed with holidays.
Seems to be something that must happen at least once or twice a year.
I think I've been on 4 holidays with my now grown up children.
Are they deprived? I'm starting to feel terrible.
Holidays were spent at home, friends visiting , a day at the beach, lunch with Grandma, that type of thing.

If your username is in any way connected to your location, your day at the beach would be a heck of a lot more pleasurable that ours! Holidays mean guaranteed nicer weather (usually), experiencing different cultures/countries, resting and relaxing without the drugery of daily cooking/cleaning for a couple of weeks!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/04/2023 09:29

Firstly stop with all the sadface "I want him to want to book a holiday" nonsense. You can bet the reason he went on holiday with his older children is because their mother said "We are going to Croatia this year" and booked it. Truthfully (and I'm not saying this is right) it is not fathers who drive holidays, unless it is camping or mountain climbing disguised as a holiday.

Also stop the sadface "He and our children are my First Family because I was a lone parent to my older DC 😥". That is just rude to your older DC.

LBFseBrom · 13/04/2023 09:30

There is absolutely no point in being jealous about things your husband did with his first family years ago, jealousy only eats away at you. For all you know it could have been his ex wife who organised and insisted on holidays abroad and he just went along with it.

If you really want to go abroad with him and the children, insist strongly. Tell him exactly how you feel, not mentioning his previous family holidays but stressing that it is important to you to travel and would be good for your children. Then show him brochures. Make sure you look at comfortable, family resorts, not anywhere that involves a lot of driving or too remote.

In the meantime try not to be unhappy about it, it's not like you don't have family holidays at all; your children will have many opportunities to go abroad, with school and the like. You too can have short breaks when the kids are old enough to be left at home with dad.

However I hope husband does come round and you can book something before too long.

GOW56 · 13/04/2023 09:31

He isn't going to want to go as much as you do because he has already done that. But how is he supposed to know you want to go unless you tell him?
All you have to say if why don't we go to X this year? If he says he doesn't want to go abroad. Tell him you really want to and explain why. You don't have to talk about the jealousy just talk about how you always wanted to go and you would like your DC to have the experience too