To not want to speak to friend about her child’s weight?

[wingingit1987]

For a bit of background- there is a group of 4 of us who have known each other since primary school. We all have young kids and see each other often. I’m closer to one of the girls and consider her my best friend.

She has a son who just turned 5. He is very overweight for his age. I would go as far as to say obese. He wears age 10-11 clothes and recently outgrew a lot of them and passed them on to one of the other girls sons(he is 10). This is what sparked this conversation as we are due to meet up for one of the kids birthday parties this week, and the other two have been texting me privately to say they think we should speak to her about her sons weight.

I see my friend at least once or twice a week and I realise he is big. It is down to diet- my friend is also obese. By her own admission he overeats- she said he eats 6 packs of crisps a day, adult portions of food etc. she always dismisses his weight being an issue and says he wears bigger clothes because he is tall, that it’s puppy fat etc.

I agree with my other friends 110% that he is unhealthy and overweight but my issue is that health professionals already know this and I don’t see what difference it would make for us to have some sort of intervention. She has several professionals involved in his care as he has additional support needs. They have addressed this with my friend already.

My friends think we are being neglectful not to say anything but I just don’t see how it would help as she absolutely does not feel it’s an issue.

Of course she knows it's an issue; she just doesn't want to discuss it , that's why she pretends.

Did you take the chance to say then that that was an obvious way to save money on groceries as of course her child doesn't need 6 packs?

It's not neglectful to stay quiet because there's already interventions in place and services involved.

I think I would possibly have a different feeling if they weren't - but I'm not entirely sure because I suspect school would have got services involved anyway and would have assumed that just because I didn't know help was there didn't mean it wasn't.

I would suggest you refer your friend to SOS SEN or to specialist education lawyers (e.g. Irwin Mitchell, Simpson Millar). If the council acknowledges this child needs a special school place but is not planning to give him one, they are acting unlawfully and it may well be that your friend can challenge this, funded by legal aid in her child's name.

Your friend may be entitled to some help by way of respite care from the council. She needs to ask for a care assessment under section 17 Children Act 1989. In case she's worried about it, this is not a child protection thing - anyone who is a child in need qualifies and it is with a view to offering support only. Disabled children qualify as children in need, and this child would clearly meet the definition of disability.

In the meantime, I would suggest you tell your friends that it would be much more useful for them to invite your friend and her child round, or even to offer to babysit, than to repeat what she has certainly already been told about his weight.

Getting a specialist place is impossible. It's literally hens teeth or rocking horse poop.

You absolutely should say something, and say it with love and tact.

My child’s non verbal autistic and he is not over weight so there’s that….

My nephew is quite overweight. Different situation maybe because my sister is working on it, but she absolutely knows. I imagine she would super offended if her friends took it upon themselves to sit her down and tell him how fat he was.
Your friend is not blind and has professionals involved. All you "confronting" her as a group will do is to make her feel ashamed.

Ok and? I don’t think anyone is saying all non-verbal autistics are overweight are they? My non-verbal autistic kid is severely underweight for instance. But having a severely autistic kid is hard and learning how to manage their behaviours can be overwhelming and sometimes very very challenging and sometimes what slips for parents is fighting them on food. Some autistic kids as I’m sure you know are very very orally fixated and fighting that incessant urge to eat can be all consuming.

As a fellow special needs parent you’d think you’d have more empathy.

SqB · Yesterday 22:19
My daughter is very overweight. It is a very sensitive issue. I’ve done my best in terms of healthy eating and exercise but she has now been diagnosed with a thyroid problem so fingers crossed things will improve now we have answers. My friends have been supportive but not interfering. They don’t abhor me!”

Why would they, your daughter has a medical condition and you are doing everything you can.
OP’s friend is in a very different situation. Allowing a five year old child 6 packets of crisps in a day is pretty awful.

You sound like a lovely friend and a very emotionally intelligent person. I agree that you know as a nurse how much advice she will be getting about his weight already so perhaps you could push back to the others with what support you could give as your friend sounds like she is really struggling, and diet is perhaps the one area she is dropping the ball for herself and DS. It sounds like she has a complex history with food, weight and bullying so please don't take her back to those days. She needs support. She doesn't need telling her son is overweight. If there had been no professional intervention my advice might be different but there has been. You could perhaps ask how she is getting on with the dietary advice, but not try to add your own intervention.

Could you explain all this to your friends, and suggest you support in more practical ways as you're so close? This could include the others being more inclusive of the little boy, maybe organising more activities or walks that get him being active (sorry, I didn't notice if he is mobile), or helping support her with any admin or advocacy. Could either of them work up to babysitting for a couple of hours?

Tricky one when she's saying he eats so much. Perhaps that could be an 'in' to asking how the advice is going rather than just politely nodding.

I do wonder if parents do "know". The amount of excuses I've heard. "His dad is big too" (er no, I've seen dad, he's not big at all), or "We are super relieved she's not big like her mother" (er, yes, she is, she's already rather big), or "I guess it could be all the milkshakes") (do you think?), or "We used to walk but now we have the car we want to get a lot of use out of it so we always drive to school" (coz that will help your daughter's fitness, sure it will). No I didn't ask, these comments just came out in casual chat. Those were all "NT" kids, though. Maybe parents of kids with SEN are never blind to their child's body size.

There's a lad down road now in yr6 & about 5'6", towers over the other boys, still merely plump having been very overweight age 2-8. I wonder what if anything his family tried.

Also I think your friend is being a coward. If they were so concerned the appropriatee thing to do would have a 1 to 1 private word with her. Not some kind of group intervention. But obviously the instigating friend doesn't want to be the bad guy on her own.

I do have empathy but also on the original op it states the child’s mum is also overweight? My child only eats certain things and no they are not healthy but do I let him help himself/et overweight no I don’t he already has health problems and there is no way I would add to that if it meant healthy eating for the entire family then it’s tough that’s what we would all have to do.

Now if her child had genetics that are a diagnosed contributor to weight gain insatiable hunger for example completley different ball game.

She already knows. If they want to say something and upset the apple cart they can. What do they want you to say that they think she doesn’t know already?

Did you miss the bit where he has complex needs, is non verbal and has multiple professionals involved in his care, including a dietician and Hv who have come up with a meal plan?

We have no idea as to this child's needs, but they quite likely explain why he has 6 pockets of crisps. She is a single mum managing in a very difficult situation.

He has seen his Hv and dietician who have come up with a meal plan. What the fuck do you think they said in those sessions?

I think she knows, and if she doesn't I think the professionals are best at handling it given his complex needs. He is already under the care of people who manage this

I'm really surprised people are saying stay out. This a child's serious health issue - of course we should speak up!! Perhaps the woman needs to hear it from her best friend?
If it was any other kind of abuse would you not speak up?! Obesity causes serious physical health issues, can cause a child major emotional issues from low self esteem and bullying. And you want to say nothing for fear of a friends reaction?? That's shameful.

Why would hearing it from friends help when the advice of experts hasn't resolved the problem?

Yeah, don't go anywhere near this OP.

Despite all her "he's just tall" statements, she'll know in her heart that he's massively overweight. She will need friends, not more judgement. Especially as a parent with an additional needs child.

Because lots of people don’t believe or trust “experts”. There’s a backlash against them.

They other girls have said she needs “tough love” but I feel like the GP, HV, dietician etc would have already been very frank with her.

But she has already seen the health professionals who will know the risks to his health balanced against managing his complex needs.

For example some children can Sensory seek by eating certain foods, or not be able to tell they are full, he maybe having serious meltdowns etc.

Managing weight in a non verbal, high needs 5 Yr old is very different to managing weight in mildly overweight adult and is best done by a peadiatrician and a peadiatric dietician, who he has already seen. Her mates coming along with some carrot sticks as a healthy snack is not going to cut it. He has professional involvement, it is none of her friends business.

@Rosula - because we're human and sometimes we need to hear hard truths from people who love us.
The friend might need some moral support to face up to her own health issues / poor parenting and she can't get that from professionals.
Also- morally- I couldn't stand to watch a child be harmed so seriously and say nothing.