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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think all kids should be included?

333 replies

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:13

Should all kids be included by step grandparents? Would you expect it if buying for one they buy for all on occasions like Xmas , Easter etc ? Is it ok to only buy for some of the kids and leave the others out because your not blood related even if you have been together many years?
Big row over this after it constantly happening been made to feel I am in the wrong.

OP posts:
Tooyoungtofeelthisold · 12/04/2023 14:17

TBH, I think that there are factors that should be accounted for when considering this inclusivity.

Age of child at time of the family blending, and the contact of the child's NRP and their family.
Even if the child is say, 15/16/17 and has Dad and their extended family involved, token gestures probably suffice, but a 3 year old without any input from the NRP or family I'd say needs treating exactly like the others.

My DHs gran always pointed out DD wasn't his, and it affected their relationship massively. 13 years on, the only people who know that DD isn't DHs are told by me. He considers her to be his, as much as our son is, and she considers him her father.
If anyone were to treat her unequally, she would be incredibly hurt, as he is the only Dad she's really had.

SVRT19674 · 12/04/2023 14:18

I think you are unreasonable to expect his parents to treat your kids as if they were their own grandkids. You can´t force relationships. Personally, in their place, I would get them chocolates to acknowledge them, and cutting them out of spite is a nasty thing to do. It says all one should know about them.

Ktime · 12/04/2023 14:19

@Tooyoungtofeelthisold did his gran ever regret her comments to DH?

Fundays12 · 12/04/2023 14:19

I have a step niece (I find it odd to call her that as I just think of her as my niece) but would never treat her differently to my other nieces abd nephew's. She is an adult know but I always spent the same on birthdays etc for her as her cousins. It didn't occur to me or dh not too

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 14:21

Ktime · 12/04/2023 14:17

That’s not fair. OP is being asked questions and is providing further info, that’s not drip feeding.

There are 3 sets of kids (his, hers and theirs) so there is bound to be some confusion in this thread.

Show quote history

Thanks I can’t give a specific of the argument or run the risk of being identified.

OP posts:
Crumpleton · 12/04/2023 14:22

ReadersD1gest · 12/04/2023 14:03

When are you going to accept that your partner is the main player here?

Show quote history

I agree with this.

Your OH has it all, his biological family and you.

I can't for the life of me understand why your OH would let this situation continue unless he's not telling you the full story and has infact slagged you off to his family and dropped you in it to cover his own arse and is now wanting you all to keep your distance from each other so he doesn't get caught out.

LAMPS1 · 12/04/2023 14:25

To suddenly discontinue the ritual giving of a gift for an any child, step child or otherwise, also removes the loving sentiment behind it. If this is done to punish the step child’s mum, then it is a cruel gesture using a child as a weapon to cause a rift within the family. The other children would also be hurt and confused by the absence of a gift for their step-sibling.
Could your DH intervene and explain that the gifts for the other two children will be kept back or retuned so that none of the children, especially the step child, are hurt by this very inappropriate conduct.
He could at the same time, make it clear that you have done nothing wrong and let them know that he is on the same page as you and won’t tolerate any deliberate attempts to upset you or the children again.

AgrathaChristie · 12/04/2023 14:25

Gifts being bought into the house for the bio kids and my kids who aren’t blood related have nothing in the bag for them.

That is horrible. Who would do that to any child? I’ve just had totally unrelated children visit over the Easter weekend, I may never meet them again, but they got the same Easter eggs as the dgc.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 14:26

Crumpleton · 12/04/2023 14:22

I agree with this.

Your OH has it all, his biological family and you.

I can't for the life of me understand why your OH would let this situation continue unless he's not telling you the full story and has infact slagged you off to his family and dropped you in it to cover his own arse and is now wanting you all to keep your distance from each other so he doesn't get caught out.

Show quote history

I think he doesn’t want to upset the apple cart again or he wants them to think I’m to blame for what he said have no clue but what’s he going to do the rest of the year now at any get togethers? At our wedding are they not going to turn up.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 12/04/2023 14:27

AgrathaChristie · 12/04/2023 14:25

Gifts being bought into the house for the bio kids and my kids who aren’t blood related have nothing in the bag for them.

That is horrible. Who would do that to any child? I’ve just had totally unrelated children visit over the Easter weekend, I may never meet them again, but they got the same Easter eggs as the dgc.

See I find that a bit extreme. Did they not have family there to provide their gifts?

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 14:29

AgrathaChristie · 12/04/2023 14:25

Gifts being bought into the house for the bio kids and my kids who aren’t blood related have nothing in the bag for them.

That is horrible. Who would do that to any child? I’ve just had totally unrelated children visit over the Easter weekend, I may never meet them again, but they got the same Easter eggs as the dgc.

I think it’s cruel especially as my little son is autistic and very child like still he still has toys he’s 11.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 14:32

LAMPS1 · 12/04/2023 14:25

To suddenly discontinue the ritual giving of a gift for an any child, step child or otherwise, also removes the loving sentiment behind it. If this is done to punish the step child’s mum, then it is a cruel gesture using a child as a weapon to cause a rift within the family. The other children would also be hurt and confused by the absence of a gift for their step-sibling.
Could your DH intervene and explain that the gifts for the other two children will be kept back or retuned so that none of the children, especially the step child, are hurt by this very inappropriate conduct.
He could at the same time, make it clear that you have done nothing wrong and let them know that he is on the same page as you and won’t tolerate any deliberate attempts to upset you or the children again.

He isn’t saying anything he told me not to bring his family up again or mention them after I had a go about it.

OP posts:
Fco · 12/04/2023 14:33

I have two step children and my DP has one step child (my DS). All children get treated equally by everyone, they are children, and anything otherwise is mean and othering.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 14:35

Thanks for all the advice on the post I have a lot to think about and work through.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 12/04/2023 14:36

Thanks I can’t give a specific of the argument or run the risk of being identified.

To be fair, unless you've changed some details, this is going to be pretty obvious to anyone who knows you.

The way I see it, if they argued because your DP doesn't spend any time with them without you there, they're being shitty.

If the argument was related to the way you are with them, or your kids are with them, they're not necessarily.

If I was you I'd tell your DP to grow up and start treating you as a family unit again either way.

postapesto · 12/04/2023 14:36

Fco · 12/04/2023 14:33

I have two step children and my DP has one step child (my DS). All children get treated equally by everyone, they are children, and anything otherwise is mean and othering.

This is oversimplistic to the point of silliness. Othering? Daft word that doesn't mean what people think it means.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 14:39

GoodChat · 12/04/2023 14:36

Thanks I can’t give a specific of the argument or run the risk of being identified.

To be fair, unless you've changed some details, this is going to be pretty obvious to anyone who knows you.

The way I see it, if they argued because your DP doesn't spend any time with them without you there, they're being shitty.

If the argument was related to the way you are with them, or your kids are with them, they're not necessarily.

If I was you I'd tell your DP to grow up and start treating you as a family unit again either way.

Haven’t told anyone who knows me in RL

OP posts:
Ktime · 12/04/2023 14:42

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 14:26

I think he doesn’t want to upset the apple cart again or he wants them to think I’m to blame for what he said have no clue but what’s he going to do the rest of the year now at any get togethers? At our wedding are they not going to turn up.

Show quote history

Even if they turn up, are you going to enjoy being ignored and made to feel bad on your own wedding day?

I would cancel the wedding for now.

Crumpleton · 12/04/2023 14:44

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 14:26

I think he doesn’t want to upset the apple cart again or he wants them to think I’m to blame for what he said have no clue but what’s he going to do the rest of the year now at any get togethers? At our wedding are they not going to turn up.

Show quote history

Your OH isn't going to have any worries about family get together's as he'll just take the DC you have together and join in the celebrations.
A bit like he does now.

100% you do you.
But
I'm not sure I'd want to marry someone that was quite happy to treat me this way, so OH family wouldn't have to worry as there would be no wedding while they all let this situation continue.

Skybluepinky · 12/04/2023 14:55

No it’s not their Grandkids, they have their own Grandparents for that.

Tooyoungtofeelthisold · 12/04/2023 14:57

Ktime · 12/04/2023 14:19

@Tooyoungtofeelthisold did his gran ever regret her comments to DH?

I think so, he was her favourite of her grandchildren, her comments and treatment of DD made it impossible for us to spend time with her as a family, and he chose to spend his free time with us instead of her.

On the rare times she saw him, she would say how lonely she was- she had lots of visitors, but wanted him. He wasn't prepared to hear things like "My grandchildren and great grandchildren because xxxx is not yours" or "I only buy for mine, she's someone elses" when it came to easter, Christmas etc.

Sad really, we probably wouldn't have expected her to be treated like the others however she made a point of telling us, including DD who would have been 3 or 4 at the time.

Fco · 12/04/2023 15:00

@postapesto Nope, its not oversimplification. Treat all children equally. If that means the budget for Christmas presents, Easter eggs etc is less for each child because there are more of them, then so be it. No child should be left feeling less than or othered because their step or half sibling is getting gifts / attention / days out and they are not.

feellikeanalien · 12/04/2023 15:02

OP if I was you my main concern would not be my future in-laws but my DP. The fact that he is quite happy to accept this situation would be most concerning. What truly loving partner would be happy to see his partner upset and not explain exactly what had happened to make his parents behave like this.

I agree with others that it seems he is using you as a scapegoat to re-establish his relationship with his family. This does not bode well for your future happiness.

What would his reaction be if you said that you were not prepared to go ahead with the wedding until the situation is resolved? I think his answer would be very telling.

Fco · 12/04/2023 15:03

The attitude that children can be left out because they 'have their own grandparents' or aren't biologically related, probably contributes to why so many blended families fail. If you marry or have children, and become a step parent, then you embrace all children as part of your family and all adults within the family should do the same. I'm glad in my family we treat all children equally regardless of whether they are biologically related or not.

aSofaNearYou · 12/04/2023 15:06

Fco · 12/04/2023 15:00

@postapesto Nope, its not oversimplification. Treat all children equally. If that means the budget for Christmas presents, Easter eggs etc is less for each child because there are more of them, then so be it. No child should be left feeling less than or othered because their step or half sibling is getting gifts / attention / days out and they are not.

There are lots of situations where this can be avoided, though. I'm not going to ask my parents to spend half as much on DD so they can spend equally on DSS who comes EOW and hardly ever sees them, who will then go home and be absolutely lavished with gifts by his mum's family. It's just not necessary and is unfair to my DD.

It would be different if he lived with us full time and didn't have a strong relationship with his mum's side.

There are all kinds of different scenarios and what's right won't always be the same.