To think all kids should be included?

[Thisisit2323]

Should all kids be included by step grandparents? Would you expect it if buying for one they buy for all on occasions like Xmas , Easter etc ? Is it ok to only buy for some of the kids and leave the others out because your not blood related even if you have been together many years?
Big row over this after it constantly happening been made to feel I am in the wrong.

Came here to say this.

Your BF has made you the scapegoat and your DC are suffering.

My question to you is can you imagine spending the rest of your life with your 2 first DC (and you) being treated this way by your BF and his family?

As others say, you have a BF problem and one that won't go away by marrying him.

@aSofaNearYou Most children, assuming they aren't too close together in age, don't really have a concept of money/who has more spent on them. We have, in our family, a 15 year old, 12 year old and 8 year old. So 15 year old might get AirPods, 12 year old gets a designer jumper they want, 8 year old gets Robux or a new video game. The cost doesn't need to be the same, but they all get an equal amount of presents and nobody feels left out.

I can't imagine a scenario where you would buy one child a gift / easter egg and not another, especially if the gift is being given in front of the other child.

You're only further provbing my point. It's not at all that simple.

Thye are going to feel "other" because they are. You can't tell people that they have to treat children who are not their grandchildren as if they are their grandchildren, and vice versa. It's not how life works. And its arrogant, and unfair.

It's such a naive idea, usually put about by parents who have made "blended" families. Those of us who have been the children in those families usually know better.

@postapesto It's how it works in my blended family and everyone is happy, so it can be done.

That's what you think. You don't know how they all actually feel about it. Don't kid yourself people don't know the difference.

@postapesto We've never had to tell grandparents to treat children who are not their grandchildren as if they are, perhaps we are just exceptionally lucky.

But it’s not simple as that as some of children will get more if the paternal dad/grandparents buy gifts and take them on outings.
Using the £100 analogy another poster said it’s very kind if the grandparents of the youngest gift every child £100 each (so their blood and step grandchildren all get same). But if the older two get £100 sent from granny abroad (their dad’s mum) they have £200 and the other 4 only have £100.
Same could apply to holidays etc. Younger could be upset that older are having two holidays (with blood and step grandparents) where they only get one (blood grandparents)
Obviously here Op says their bio dad and paternal grandparents don’t bother but it’s not always case.

And that's lovely for you. But if they didn't, it wouldn;t be for you to tell them they had to.

@postapesto Nope, but then I wouldn't continue to be in a blended family where my child (or my stepchildren) were being left out or upset.

My DSS does not (and should not) feel left out by what DD gets from her grandparents, as he is fully aware he has his own. They get the same from their shared grandparents, but have no reason to expect the same from somebody else's grandparents. This is pretty standard where the SC is non resident so spends most of their time in a different household with their other parent, with their parents feeling (to them) like their primary family. It seems to be hard for people who have primary custody of their kids (meaning they lead near identical lives to their half siblings and are always lumped together) to understand, but it really does not need to lead to any hard feelings.

As it happens, my parents did see my DD and DSS on Easter, and did give them the same amount, since it's quite a small thing to buy two eggs. But occasions like Christmas where they want to spoil their GC and DSS is being (doubly in his case) spoilt by his mum's side? No, that's too much to ask or expect.

What does that even mean? You'd get divorced if your children got a smaller egg than your step children?
What about when one set of kids has 3 lots of grandparents (cos of the step grandparents you insist must treat as all the same) and the other has two...one set of kids will feel left out and upset then. How would you fix that?

Simplistic notions don't work.

@postapesto I haven't insisted step grandparents much treat all as the same. I've stated my opinion that it's mean spirited to treat one set of children in one particular way e.g. buying them an Easter egg, and not treating the other child(ren) equally.

I wouldn't get divorced because I wouldn't get myself into that position in the first place. If I was in a relationship and the blended family wasn't working (which you can determine well before marriage or having more children), then I wouldn't stay in a relationship that was detrimental to my existing child.

The 'third set of grandparents' would never see the stepchildren or have any sort of relationship with them, so it's irrelevant.

I don't think people think it through

@postapesto 'if your children got a smaller egg than your step children'. That's also a very low bar, it's hardly expensive or arduous to get all family children a similar £2 Easter egg. I think the grandparents in OPs case sound horrible.

Controversial opinion - but this is a prime example of why "blended families" are often such a bad idea. Her kids, his kids, their kids together, interested grandparents, uninterested grandparents, children feeling left out - what a mess.

Always said that if for whatever reason my first marriage broke down, I definitely wouldn't be having any more kids.

It's not my bar, it's yours. You said you wouldn't be in the family any more if any of the children were upset. Children get upset about a lot of things. You made a ridiculous point that had no real mean, I merely pointed that out.

Its very easy to spot the parents of a "blended" family as opposed to the children of them.
The former are purposefully naive and oblivious to reality. I'm the latter, and we are not.

@postapesto You are now resulting to straw man arguments. You know that I did not mean I would leave a relationship if a child were to be upset on occasion, that's deliberately obtuse. You know very well that I meant that if my child were intentionally and repeatedly left out and upset (as written by the OP) and there was no resolution, then I wouldn't stay in that relationship. Not only does it demonstrate the unkindness of grandparents and potential in-laws, it also speaks volumes about her future husband who does nothing to rectify the situation, nor sees anything wrong with it. That would be an extremely unattractive quality to me, I expect me and my husband to be on the same team.

You also assume that I am not the child of a blended family. Conversely, I had to watch my half-sister be lavished with presents and days out by our shared biological grandmother, because she preferred my sister's mother as well as my sister's personality. I speak as someone who wouldn't see my own child(ren) be put through that by adults who should know better. Any kind and decent adult would treat all children of the family equally. I'm very lucky to be surrounded by lovely people, but I also wouldn't stay or put myself in a position where my child or stepchildren were being mistreated.

My Mum had a second child when I was six with a man she met when I was two and his family never accepted me. They didn’t buy me anything, would just wrap up something cheap from around the house like last years diary for Christmas. They were absolutely horrible to me tbh, just acted like I didn’t exist and it made me feel terrible. I can’t imagine treating any child that way personally and would go out of my way to include all children if I ever found myself in a similar situation.

So because first hubby has affair you can’t have happiness and more children life doesn’t always work out how you want it too.

All these arguments about what other families would do are pointless

the issue in this family is that the GPs happily included the op’s child for years until they had a row with their son and have no cut them out

That’s a totally different kettle of fish to people making a decision at the beginning of a relationship. It’s punishing a child for a row that was nothing to do with them, or the Op.

You had two children each to begin with, have I got that right? Now you have six in total?

Maybe it isn't though. We don't know what the argument about, neither does OP.

Maybe the DH told them to stop bothering because whatever they were already doing wasn't good enough, so they took him at his word and stopped. Makes sense.
No need to assume they are the worst.

So sorry for you It’s not the child’s fault.

Yes we had two each and two together.

I know what the row was over but it was nothing to do with me it was a family thing that happened between them.