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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think all kids should be included?

333 replies

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 11:13

Should all kids be included by step grandparents? Would you expect it if buying for one they buy for all on occasions like Xmas , Easter etc ? Is it ok to only buy for some of the kids and leave the others out because your not blood related even if you have been together many years?
Big row over this after it constantly happening been made to feel I am in the wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 16:00

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/04/2023 15:55

All these arguments about what other families would do are pointless

the issue in this family is that the GPs happily included the op’s child for years until they had a row with their son and have no cut them out

That’s a totally different kettle of fish to people making a decision at the beginning of a relationship. It’s punishing a child for a row that was nothing to do with them, or the Op.

It’s just an odd situation of how we have been blamed for something we have no involvement in. Like i said if they have an issue with me that’s fine but they have taken it out on the kids who they used to include and now don’t.

OP posts:
Aturnipforthebooks · 12/04/2023 16:00

So because first hubby has affair you can’t have happiness and more children life doesn’t always work out how you want it too.

You can, but it might negatively impact your existing children.

aSofaNearYou · 12/04/2023 16:05

It’s just an odd situation of how we have been blamed for something we have no involvement in. Like i said if they have an issue with me that’s fine but they have taken it out on the kids who they used to include and now don’t.

But they will have previously been doing those things for the kids out of politeness/social obligation towards you, not because they actually wanted to.

I'm not saying they are totally reasonable in their fall out with you because it doesn't sound like they are, but I really don't think it's odd or surprising that if the relationship with you had a broken down to the point you no longer have anything to do with each other, that they haven't carried on with the kids.

Jagoda · 12/04/2023 16:06

He sounds weak and pathetic and he’s expecting you to sit dumbly whilst his mother ignores you.

Fuck that shit.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 16:11

Jagoda · 12/04/2023 16:06

He sounds weak and pathetic and he’s expecting you to sit dumbly whilst his mother ignores you.

Fuck that shit.

Yeah that’s it

OP posts:
Fco · 12/04/2023 16:12

@Thisisit2323 I agree with @Jagoda . Your potential future in-laws sound like dicks as well as your husband. Appreciate that's not helpful as you have two children with him, but that's what I'm getting from this thread. I'd be having a serious conversation about expectations with your DP.

tootyflooty · 12/04/2023 16:21

Very sad reading this, your DP has been "dad" to his step children since they were little, this shows how little he actually thinks of them and you. I would have a long hard look at your relationship, your chilldren deserve better. I have children from my 1st and current marriage and also a DSD and no one on either side has ever treated any of the children differerently. Your DP should be putting you and all your children first. They all sound like rather an unkind bunch.

Dilemma19 · 12/04/2023 16:31

It's one thing them treating the kids like this but your dp brought the gifts home in front of the other dc. Just shows you his true colours doesn't it? In a moment like that he let you know that your kids are 'your' kids underneath it all. I wouldn't marry and tie my kids to that type of a family.

Original poster
Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 16:43

Dilemma19 · 12/04/2023 16:31

It's one thing them treating the kids like this but your dp brought the gifts home in front of the other dc. Just shows you his true colours doesn't it? In a moment like that he let you know that your kids are 'your' kids underneath it all. I wouldn't marry and tie my kids to that type of a family.

This was my thoughts when I saw what he did. If my parents did that I would hide them in the boot and give them t a later date or bought something for SC so no one knew.

OP posts:
Ktime · 12/04/2023 16:53

KnittingNeedles · 12/04/2023 15:34

Controversial opinion - but this is a prime example of why "blended families" are often such a bad idea. Her kids, his kids, their kids together, interested grandparents, uninterested grandparents, children feeling left out - what a mess.

Always said that if for whatever reason my first marriage broke down, I definitely wouldn't be having any more kids.

Easy for you to say because it sounds like your first marriage hasn’t broken down.

Let’s see if you say that when you’re divorced.

postapesto · 12/04/2023 16:58

Ktime · 12/04/2023 16:53

Easy for you to say because it sounds like your first marriage hasn’t broken down.

Let’s see if you say that when you’re divorced.

Show quote history

I'm divorced and I totally agree with her.

Why would being divorced change our minds?

postapesto · 12/04/2023 17:00

Thisisit2323 · 12/04/2023 15:58

Yes we had two each and two together.

Show quote history

So you expect them to treat all six the same? What about the two he has with someone else, do they have step parents too?

Ktime · 12/04/2023 17:00

postapesto · 12/04/2023 16:58

I'm divorced and I totally agree with her.

Why would being divorced change our minds?

Show quote history

Because she’s not in OP’s shoes.

To be a young divorcee and told you shouldn’t have any more kids is judgemental crap.

postapesto · 12/04/2023 17:02

Ktime · 12/04/2023 17:00

Because she’s not in OP’s shoes.

To be a young divorcee and told you shouldn’t have any more kids is judgemental crap.

Show quote history

She didn't tell OP she shouldn';t have more kids, she said she wouldn't have more kids. You had a problem with her judgement of herself.

Even if that was what she said, you said she would feel differently should she be divorced. I didn't. Many don't. It's rather silly to assume she would feel different.

Ktime · 12/04/2023 17:04

postapesto · 12/04/2023 17:02

She didn't tell OP she shouldn';t have more kids, she said she wouldn't have more kids. You had a problem with her judgement of herself.

Even if that was what she said, you said she would feel differently should she be divorced. I didn't. Many don't. It's rather silly to assume she would feel different.

Show quote history

And it’s rather silly not to realise that saying she wouldn’t have more kids is an implicit judgement of OP.

Well, OP HAS had more kids by a new partner, what does she want OP todo, shove them back up in to her uterus?

ReadersD1gest · 12/04/2023 17:04

Ktime · 12/04/2023 17:00

Because she’s not in OP’s shoes.

To be a young divorcee and told you shouldn’t have any more kids is judgemental crap.

Show quote history

Nobody told op she shouldn't have had more children. They pointed out that there are 6 children in the mix, with three sets of grandparents.
The two other sets of gps are presumably subject to the same expectations?

Ktime · 12/04/2023 17:05

ReadersD1gest · 12/04/2023 17:04

Nobody told op she shouldn't have had more children. They pointed out that there are 6 children in the mix, with three sets of grandparents.
The two other sets of gps are presumably subject to the same expectations?

Show quote history

See my last post.

postapesto · 12/04/2023 17:06

Ktime · 12/04/2023 17:04

And it’s rather silly not to realise that saying she wouldn’t have more kids is an implicit judgement of OP.

Well, OP HAS had more kids by a new partner, what does she want OP todo, shove them back up in to her uterus?

Show quote history

That;s your choice to read it like that.

She doesn't need to "shove them back", just be a bit more realistic about how being a "blended" family works.

KnittingNeedles · 12/04/2023 17:06

Let’s see if you say that when you’re divorced.

Well as I'm the wrong side of 50 and have had a hysterectomy, that ship has long since sailed.

But not. I had my kids. Had anything happened, I would not have been having any more. And that would especially have been the case had my new partner/husband had kids from a previous relationship too. OP has chosen to bring more children into a situation where she had 2 kids already, her new partner had 2 kids already. They choose to add two more into the mix - and create this entangle mesh of parents and grandparents and step-relationships and so on.

Obviously their right to make that decisions, but decisions have consequences.

Ktime · 12/04/2023 17:08

KnittingNeedles · 12/04/2023 17:06

Let’s see if you say that when you’re divorced.

Well as I'm the wrong side of 50 and have had a hysterectomy, that ship has long since sailed.

But not. I had my kids. Had anything happened, I would not have been having any more. And that would especially have been the case had my new partner/husband had kids from a previous relationship too. OP has chosen to bring more children into a situation where she had 2 kids already, her new partner had 2 kids already. They choose to add two more into the mix - and create this entangle mesh of parents and grandparents and step-relationships and so on.

Obviously their right to make that decisions, but decisions have consequences.

As I said, OP is much younger and her husband had an affair.

Why should she be denied more children because her ex was a knob?

Ktime · 12/04/2023 17:08

postapesto · 12/04/2023 17:06

That;s your choice to read it like that.

She doesn't need to "shove them back", just be a bit more realistic about how being a "blended" family works.

Show quote history

What does being more realistic mean?

KnittingNeedles · 12/04/2023 17:11

Who's denying her children? She can have as many as she wants, with as many blokes as she wants.

All that is being pointed out is that when you CHOOSE to have children in this sort of situation, you are creating an entangled network of full, half and step relationships which is enormously complex.

Then acting all surprised when it's not like the Brady Bunch.

ReadersD1gest · 12/04/2023 17:13

Ktime · 12/04/2023 17:08

What does being more realistic mean?

Show quote history

Which word didn't you understand? Confused

postapesto · 12/04/2023 17:15

Ktime · 12/04/2023 17:08

What does being more realistic mean?

Show quote history

You don't know what realistic means?

These GP already have 4 grandkids across 2 homes. OP is not married, and her relationship does not seem strong. Her children are not their grandchildren, and if she splits (which sounds fairly likely) they will not be part of their family at all anymore.

They aren't the same as the other children. You can't make them be the same by wishing they were. You can't expect children who are not grandchildren to be treated as grandchildren.

Aturnipforthebooks · 12/04/2023 17:15

No one is saying that op shouldn't have another relationship or have more children.

But, blending families is challenging and you are running the risk of things like this.

I think in many cases, it would be wise for people to wait a bit longer before starting a family with a new person.