Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rewrap his present from last year

243 replies

rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 09:59

My DH birthday is coming up in one months time. I enjoy thinking about gifts and gifting something I think the recipient will like. For the last few years, the gifts I have given him have been left unused or put in a drawer. Last year, I specifically asked him what he wanted and bought that. Once again, it's nearly his birthday, and the gift I gave him last year isn't used. The worst thing is, it is a time specific thing. He wanted to make kombucha. So I bought him a decent kit and it had the scoby (the live ingredient) included. Don't ask me much about all this as I'm not really into that sort of thing!! Anyway, it is still sat in a cupboard and when I mentioned it once, he got all defensive so I've not said anything since. I don't feel like going to the effort of choosing something nice, for it not to be appreciated or used. To add insult to injury, he doesn't do gift giving. It was my birthday recently and he hadn't bought me a present but took my son to choose some chocolates. Maybe I'm over thinking this but I'm offended and hurt by his attitude. So Aibu to regift what I gave him last year?

OP posts:
80sMum · 12/04/2023 13:06

My DH "doesn't do gift giving" either. We just no longer bother about each other's birthdays. No cards, no gifts, no expectations, so no disappointment.

RealHousewifeofExhaustion · 12/04/2023 13:09

80sMum · 12/04/2023 13:06

My DH "doesn't do gift giving" either. We just no longer bother about each other's birthdays. No cards, no gifts, no expectations, so no disappointment.

Don't you find it a bit sad that you have had to acquiesce to his view, he won't change to yours - even half way and just have a card?

BadNomad · 12/04/2023 13:24

Your partner isn't wrong to hate giving gifts and not wanting to do it. But he is wrong to expect something from you.

I'm a reluctant gift giver. I find it incredibly stressful trying to think of something the recipient would like and then trying to arrange to get it on time. There's a whole hierarchy to gifts depending on each person. Smelly stuff means you couldn't be bothered, chocolates are lazy, clothing is risky, practical stuff is boring, fun stuff is childish etc. It's so much pressure trying to figure out for each person. I get it wrong a lot.

In the past I've told people don't get me anything because I don't do gifts. But of course someone would still get me something which then made me feel like shit for not getting them anything and meant I would have to run around after Christmas to get them something. So now I get people gifts. I don't enjoy it. The whole process really upsets me. I hate having to do it. But I don't matter, apparently. It's about other people and what makes them happy.

Doubletroublemummy2 · 12/04/2023 13:49

This is the exact type of behaviour that should have been a red flag for me and even in the end I was still buying him thoughtful gifts, getting nothing in return. One the hand i should have stopped and treated him with the same disregard. One the other someone had to teach my children how we treat people we claim to love/care about. 🤷‍♀️ The next question is, is there love?

Nanny0gg · 12/04/2023 13:53

NoTouch · 12/04/2023 12:59

dh and I are both "non-gifters" we show each other "specialness" in many ways on a daily or adhoc basis if something arises, or if we want something we just say and it comes out of family money. We don't pressure each other into buying something that might not be needed or wanted just because of a date on a calendar.

We don't feel the need to validate that "specialness" by buying something that HAS to be "special" on the many days of the year someone else has decided are "special" (birthdays, valentines, mothers day, christmas, easter etc etc). I find the whole thing ridiculous commercial bollocks and it is sad relationships should suffer because some people are made to feel they HAVE to conform by their partners.

But it seems "non-gifters" are not allowed to have that opinion, they need to be coerced and manipulated into displays of "specialness" by "gifters" and that is wrong.

Show quote history

But you're both in agreement. The OP and her husband are not

Doubletroublemummy2 · 12/04/2023 13:54

This is not random people. If non immediate family bought me a gift, that's on them and would not feel obliged to reciprocate. Your spouse though!?! It doesn't even have to be a physical gift in a box. What about breakfast in bed, a nice dinner or show, hell I'd be happy with a cleaner for a day

NoTouch · 12/04/2023 16:00

Nanny0gg · 12/04/2023 13:53

But you're both in agreement. The OP and her husband are not

Show quote history

Doesn't matter "non gifters" should still not be controlled, coerced or guilt tripped into doing something they don't value, believe in or want to do.

It is ridiculous to want to control someone in this way just because you want presents.

IsaiditwasLighthearted · 12/04/2023 16:16

@NoTouch It is ridiculous to want to control someone in this way just because you want presents

And isn't the DH being controlling by sulking, whining and complaining nobody cares about him when OP tries to discuss him not using her thoughtful gifts? He's the manipulative one here, not OP.

It's pretty obvious why this jerk has no friends left. Even his own parents seem fed up with him. He's literally got OP and her parents and he's rude to them too.

NoTouch · 12/04/2023 16:23

IsaiditwasLighthearted · 12/04/2023 16:16

@NoTouch It is ridiculous to want to control someone in this way just because you want presents

And isn't the DH being controlling by sulking, whining and complaining nobody cares about him when OP tries to discuss him not using her thoughtful gifts? He's the manipulative one here, not OP.

It's pretty obvious why this jerk has no friends left. Even his own parents seem fed up with him. He's literally got OP and her parents and he's rude to them too.

Agreed he shouldn't be sulking either. No-one should if they don't get a gift from someone who doesn't want to give them one!

Leaningtowerofpisa · 12/04/2023 16:35

I struggle to buy gifts for people. I always feel duty bound to do it because ‘it’s the right thing to do to recognise a birthday’ but my hb is sooo difficult to buy for and I have zero imagination when it comes to him.I feel bad but gifting isn’t my thing - it’s just not what I’m good at or where my strengths lie. I wonder if this is the case with your hb.

I also had a friend ( notice the ‘past tense here’ ) who had really high expectations around reciprocity for things - including gifts or dinner etc. She would be scathing if someone didn’t return a dinner invite or give her a nice gift back. The ultra high standards and demand to reciprocate was highly pressuring and interestingly came out in another scenario which meant she fell out with a number of very good friends!

Get the chocolates and don’t sweat the small stuff:)

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 12/04/2023 16:37

He doesn’t gift things for you so don’t bother, he clearly doesn’t appreciate it!

Crikeyalmightey · 12/04/2023 16:48

Make him a cake (with son's help) and have a birthday tea with something he likes. That way you all have a nice time. 🎂

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/04/2023 19:58

He obviously thinks that the present he bought you is the ideal present so look at the price and get him chocolate for the same value. Job done.

Merangutan · 12/04/2023 21:43

He sounds ungrateful and not worth the effort. When you do make the effort he doesn’t bother using the gifts and can’t be arsed to put any thought or effort into finding nice things for you. Just stop bothering. Save your money. Treat yourself on your own birthday.

Richconstance · 13/04/2023 09:09

Do the "love languages" test online to see what each others are. Yours is probably gifts, but his may be quality time or acts of service.

It's kind of like you're speaking Spanish and he's speaking French 🤪😂 this was super helpful for me, mines is "acts of service" so me doing all the chores in the house so my husband doesn't have to, I think I'm being the best wife, but he couldn't give a shit 😂 now we know each others love languages, and understand it, it's much better, who knew by emptying the dishwasher it would guarantee a cheeky fumble 😂

I'm always tempted to be passive aggressive, and whilst I think it would be hilarious, it won't give you the outcome you desire, feeling loved and being harmonius - good luck ❤️

Richconstance · 13/04/2023 09:14

Apologies, I hadn't read your other posts OP before I swanned on in there with my tuppence worth! 😂 so you're not into gifts, what do I know! 🤪😂

I'd still do the love languages thingy and maybe gift a nice dinner (then you'll get the benefit of it too 😉) or theatre show/night away/experience sort of thing?

Again, haven't read the whole thread, so just ignore me if I'm giving absolutely no helpful advice whatsoever 🙃 ❤️

Scotland32 · 13/04/2023 17:45

Do it!

Mrsgreen100 · 13/04/2023 19:10

Chocolates for him definitely
no more

wentworthinmate · 13/04/2023 19:34

Don’t regift but treat as you have been treated. Fairs fair.

AllyArty · 13/04/2023 19:48

Yea wrap it up and give it to him for the lols. But I’d have another small present for backup -otherwise you would never hear the end of it!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 13/04/2023 20:10

If he got tetchy when you mentioned it, don’t regift it unless you want to argue on his bd.
mid just get him a shirt or some aftershave that YOU like and make a fuss on your birthday - tell him you want a gift with some thought even if it’s a voucher from a nice boutique. Don’t stoop to his level - bring him up to yours.

Snippit · 13/04/2023 20:17

my Husband and myself no longer buy anything for each other. When your a certain age it’s an absolute nightmare trying to think of something they may like, but not necessarily need. We have so much in our lives these days, we NEED very little.

If you must buy something to make you feel better get the chocolates. I’ve got to admit I found it really difficult in the beginning not buying anything, but now it makes life so much easier.

Dibbydoos · 13/04/2023 20:33

I love the idea of regifting last years gift. It could be hilarious, but have a box of chocs or something made of chocolate as the 'real' present just in case he takes the huff!

notjaneausten · 13/04/2023 21:18

Get him your favourite chocolates, and eat them.

LoveCherryTree · 13/04/2023 22:34

HE….DOES….NOT….CARE….ABOUT….YOU!

Do not get him anything, what a selfish person he is, it wouldn’t be so bad if he couldn’t give a crap but he complains like a spoilt child if he doesn’t get anything yet
he’s quite happy to do nothing for you and his family…..NICE!