To rewrap his present from last year

[rockpoolingtogether]

My DH birthday is coming up in one months time. I enjoy thinking about gifts and gifting something I think the recipient will like. For the last few years, the gifts I have given him have been left unused or put in a drawer. Last year, I specifically asked him what he wanted and bought that. Once again, it's nearly his birthday, and the gift I gave him last year isn't used. The worst thing is, it is a time specific thing. He wanted to make kombucha. So I bought him a decent kit and it had the scoby (the live ingredient) included. Don't ask me much about all this as I'm not really into that sort of thing!! Anyway, it is still sat in a cupboard and when I mentioned it once, he got all defensive so I've not said anything since. I don't feel like going to the effort of choosing something nice, for it not to be appreciated or used. To add insult to injury, he doesn't do gift giving. It was my birthday recently and he hadn't bought me a present but took my son to choose some chocolates. Maybe I'm over thinking this but I'm offended and hurt by his attitude. So Aibu to regift what I gave him last year?

People have different love languages. Clearly gifts just don't float his boat. Give yourself permission to get him chocs and/or beer and know he'll be fine with that.

My husband is like this with gifts (his birthday was last week, must be an April thing!). His son is the same. I’ve lost all the joy in buying gifts. I tend to buy a trip out or weekend away instead of an actual present nowadays (that I get to go on too!). He buys me nice things though. It’s strange- I do think he likes what I buy, just never gets round to it.

just do chocolate. Rewrapping the gift is looking for a fight. Taking your son to buy him some chocolates is “what we do now”.

The bigger problem is lack of acknowledging your love language, which is gifts.

Being passive aggressive or not getting him anything won't actually solve the problem.

The problem is his lack of love and care and both your lack communication

Just do what he does for you, you will feel much happier. Sell his kit to give ds the cash for chocolates. I only get dh clothes now. Anything thoughtful isn't as appreciated as the effort to pick it out. He will think re wrapping last year's present is passive aggressive. Show him that that his gift is not high on your radar, like he has to you. Then treat yourself with the money you save. If he gets mad when you mention last years present, all the more reason to sell or donate it. Ps, its him, not you obvs

I’ve a slightly different opinion on this and it’s all to do with whether you, the gifter, actually gets pleasure from giving the gift?

There shouldn’t be any obligation for the giftee to actually use/love the gift or even give a gift in return on your birthday.

Saying all that, it’s totally ok not to gift!

Or even have the discussion with your husband about gifting expectations. In the case where you enjoy giving and receiving presents and he doesn’t, then you can say that you will tell him exactly what to get for you each time and it’s up to him whether he wants you to get him anything or not. Or whether you get him something but you don’t ask him for suggestions and you don’t split hairs over the decision either (hello choccies picked out last minute by your son).

Always tricky though and people have very different expectations and experiences of gift giving - it’s cultural and people may read into a gift more than they should!

I’d love some last minute choccies btw…

I agree.
I bet he won't even notice. 🙂

All the unused gifts you have given him-does he actually ask for them?

This!

This! (Sorry - newbie replied rather than quoting!)

You guys need to work on communication.

Gifts are one of those things where there can be layers of meaning, that people don’t necessarily experience in the same way.

You’re both missing each other in this and the only way to fix those kind of gaps is to sit down and actually listen to each other.

You’re hurt both by how he receives and how he gives - he’s not necessarily wrong in relationship to gifts, so it’s wise to be prepared to try and understand that his pov is different. He probably doesn’t intend to be hurtful though.

You’re trying to send him a very specific message by rewrapping his present. He’s not going to get it - use words.

If he doesn't do gift giving and he hasn't used what you've bought before don't give him one. Why bother? He didn't. I wouldn't bother going to the effort of re wrapping last year's gift. It's a waste of wrapping paper. He obviously thinks it's fine to have a birthday with no gift from a partner.

Maybe go out and buy yourself a gift instead.

It's fair enough if you make no effort for his birthday, do what he does for yours. It's not fair to pick a fight on his birthday though so don't rewrap the gift.

My DH doesn't do gifts, I buy him birthday gifts which he does appreciate tbf. I also buy myself a load of gifts on my birthday using his card which he doesn't mind 🤷

I’d definitely just get him some beer or whisky or something slightly different to chocolates with your DS and make it his thing, equivalent to your chocolate. And that’s just what he gets from now on. No thought required and it doesn’t go off.

He doesn’t do gifts? So he just doesn’t bother with you? But he asks for things?

Is he actually asking for things or are you forcing this? Maybe he just doesn’t want a gift but you keep pushing it?

This. He doesn't give or appreciate gifts. Don't throw any more money away on him.

Just give him some chocolates. Job done. If he complains just say he never uses the other stuff so it seems like a waste.

I've been depressed and have left gifts I really looked forward to unused. Sort of 'I don't deserve to use these bath bombs.'

Not saying that's your husband's deal, but just pointing out that apart from ingratitude there are other explanations.

It's so so so passive aggressive to wrap up last years 😆 don't buy him a proper gift though, just a token one as he "doesn't do gift giving ".

I simply wouldn't bother at all. It seems fairly clear that gifts are not his thing so I'd just get something similar to the chocolates you received and leave it at that.

This is hard if gifts are your thing, but it seems really obvious that he doesn't care either way.

Redirect your thoughtful-gift-energy to someone else. Take your DS and let him pick your DH chocolate or beer or something.

Just take your son out to pick him some chocolate. He can't expect big gifts if he "doesn't do gifts"

I would just get a fresh scooby and package it with last year's present, rince and repeat till he actually users what he wants.

This