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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rewrap his present from last year

243 replies

rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 09:59

My DH birthday is coming up in one months time. I enjoy thinking about gifts and gifting something I think the recipient will like. For the last few years, the gifts I have given him have been left unused or put in a drawer. Last year, I specifically asked him what he wanted and bought that. Once again, it's nearly his birthday, and the gift I gave him last year isn't used. The worst thing is, it is a time specific thing. He wanted to make kombucha. So I bought him a decent kit and it had the scoby (the live ingredient) included. Don't ask me much about all this as I'm not really into that sort of thing!! Anyway, it is still sat in a cupboard and when I mentioned it once, he got all defensive so I've not said anything since. I don't feel like going to the effort of choosing something nice, for it not to be appreciated or used. To add insult to injury, he doesn't do gift giving. It was my birthday recently and he hadn't bought me a present but took my son to choose some chocolates. Maybe I'm over thinking this but I'm offended and hurt by his attitude. So Aibu to regift what I gave him last year?

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 11/04/2023 15:40

Ladysaurus · 11/04/2023 15:39

I'd buy something that you'll like that way when he stuffs it in a drawer you can dig it out enjoy it.

😂 perfect

MsCunk · 11/04/2023 15:40

You can be happy, but not with an emotional vampire.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 11/04/2023 15:41

Rewrapping is petty but don’t buy him anything. At most suggest a meal out that way everyone gets something out of it!

MysteryBelle · 11/04/2023 15:42

I could not put up with that, op. How do you do it. For your own well-being and for dc’s sake, get away from him. Think of his influence on dc. By his example he’s teaching dc to be a horrible person. Unacceptable.

wetpebbles · 11/04/2023 15:43

Get him a plant that you like

cordelia16 · 11/04/2023 15:50

rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 13:25

Yes I know... but then he moans that no one cares about him and plays the victim. I don't really care too much any more that he can't be bothered to do anything for my birthday (my parents and friends make the effort) but do get irritated when he expects an effort to be made on him when he can't be bothered to reciprocate. His parents never get him a gift or send him a card and he's lost contact with all his friends so doesn't get anything other than from me and my parents.

Show quote history

Get him this on a t-shirt or mug.

To rewrap his present from last year
Mumsanetta · 11/04/2023 16:05

@rockpoolingtogether the more you update the more it’s clear that this isn’t just about gift giving. What joy does he bring to your life?

piedbeauty · 11/04/2023 16:40

Just do chocolates.

But in future why don't y you both sit down and chat like adults about expectations around birthdays, so you both know what the other expects and nobody is disappointed?

NoTouch · 11/04/2023 17:28

rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 13:26

Maybe, but if I do what he does, he gets huffy that no once cares about him.

Show quote history

Get him chocs then and tell him you are following his lead because he doesn't follow yours then ignore any huffing.

Rewrapping the gift is passive aggressive and unlikely to end well.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 11/04/2023 18:27

Just do the chocolates. When he gets huffy just say 'it's exactly what you get me for every gift... are you saying you don't care about me and that's why you only get me them? If not then why would you assume that was what I meant by it?'

Original poster
rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 18:47

@notouch true about it being passive aggressive. Was more thinking it might be funny, but he wouldn't see it that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 18:48

piedbeauty · 11/04/2023 16:40

Just do chocolates.

But in future why don't y you both sit down and chat like adults about expectations around birthdays, so you both know what the other expects and nobody is disappointed?

Have discussed it in the past. He says he doesn't like buying presents and finds it stressful. It's not just me! He doesn't send cards or gifts to his family and doesn't really have friends. He expected me to sort out his secret Santa one year and I told him where to go with that one!

OP posts:
Original poster
rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 18:49

wetpebbles · 11/04/2023 15:43

Get him a plant that you like

That's an excellent idea. Going to go with something garden related that I can also enjoy. Sure I will end up doing the planting though!!

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 11/04/2023 19:22

Are you going to engage with any of the comments pointing out that gifts aren’t the real issue here?

piedbeauty · 11/04/2023 19:33

But then @rockpoolingtogether , you need to explain to him that buying presents is not a magic skill that only women have. He could ask you what you would like. He knows you, so he could guess what you would like...

And tell him that he likes presents to be bought for him, right? Well, so do you. And you won't accept any more excuses from him. You will treat his birthdays just the same as he treats yours.

What's he like the rest of the time? Does he show you he loves you and appreciates you?

Bored86 · 11/04/2023 20:22

Just don’t buy him anything. Simple

Original poster
rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 21:22

PousseyNotMoira · 11/04/2023 19:22

Are you going to engage with any of the comments pointing out that gifts aren’t the real issue here?

Not really because I'm aware of that. Just wanted to see what people thought of the gift situation and I've found a solution so thanking you all kindly. Over and out

OP posts:
Boymum1005 · 11/04/2023 21:36

My birthday was a few weeks ago and DH got me a pair of trainers. I chose them, ordered them, got a 20% discount code and took delivery. He transferred me the money (£70) and didn’t wrap them. I didn’t get anything “from” our DC (0 & 2).

His birthday is next week and I asked him last night what he wanted. He asked for an Apple Watch 😂 ermmmm… no?!

To add insult, I bought him one for his birthday a few years ago after a particularly good bonus and he smashed the screen within a matter of weeks when playing football.

YANBU. Get him a 4 pack of beers and call it a day.

Tinkerbyebye · 11/04/2023 21:38

Take your son to get him some chocolates and give him those. Why do presents for someone who is not interested on giving

Quinoawoman · 11/04/2023 22:46

I wouldn't re-wrap, but I just wouldn't give him anything. If he doesn't give, he obviously thinks gifts are pointless, so...?

InSpainTheRain · 11/04/2023 22:58

If you rewrap a previous gift that's just going to cause an argument and you know it. Just buy some chocs, DS does a homemade card. Job done!

caringcarer · 12/04/2023 01:10

Why do you make an effort for this lazy DH who does not value you enough, to choose a nice gift from him to you. Just buy him supermarket chocolates.

nigelthornberry69 · 12/04/2023 01:18

The regift sounds petty and fun but I think might escalate and idk if that's worth where it goes? I'd be careful with it.

But if he is genuinely not fussed I don't see why you couldn't just stop putting so much effort in if he is clearly not fussed. Something simple and safe. Box of Lindt chocs poured into a nice mug is what I get for colleagues. :P

JudgeRudy · 12/04/2023 01:58

I bet he has ADHD. He won't mind if you dont get him a gift. He won't mind if you re-wrap last years present. He might even make it up that night (before it goes off)...he will mind though if you're arsey about it. I get you're disappointed but I bet he would gladly have no gifts ever if you weren't then disappointed.

He just doesn't think his birthday is important. Or your birthday ( or Xmas, Valentines etc) unfortunately He knows you do though so he tries....and fails.

My sister buys me nice gifts. I don't really want them. I loath people asking me what I want when I don't want anything right now, so now I have to research something and be specific or end up something I don't want. I'm not bothered getting a meh pressie, I am bothered when I'm asked if it's tasty/interesting/the right size.
If you think He's so ungrateful....actually he might be...but that's OK. Its the present he's ungrateful for, not you. He might even feel guilty because he's not as thrilled as you had hoped. This has nothing to do with how much he cares.
Buy him some socks/aftershave that he'll enjoy then just do something nice for him another time.

AnneButNotHathaway · 12/04/2023 07:29

😂😂definitely do it! Also make a smartshow 3d birthday video and hint at wounderful gift you're getting him in it!