Page 10 | To rewrap his present from last year

ChellyT · 14/04/2023 00:46

rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 09:59

My DH birthday is coming up in one months time. I enjoy thinking about gifts and gifting something I think the recipient will like. For the last few years, the gifts I have given him have been left unused or put in a drawer. Last year, I specifically asked him what he wanted and bought that. Once again, it's nearly his birthday, and the gift I gave him last year isn't used. The worst thing is, it is a time specific thing. He wanted to make kombucha. So I bought him a decent kit and it had the scoby (the live ingredient) included. Don't ask me much about all this as I'm not really into that sort of thing!! Anyway, it is still sat in a cupboard and when I mentioned it once, he got all defensive so I've not said anything since. I don't feel like going to the effort of choosing something nice, for it not to be appreciated or used. To add insult to injury, he doesn't do gift giving. It was my birthday recently and he hadn't bought me a present but took my son to choose some chocolates. Maybe I'm over thinking this but I'm offended and hurt by his attitude. So Aibu to regift what I gave him last year?

@rockpoolingtogether I am also a thoughtful gift giver, I want to give something the other wants/desires too and there is nothing worse than seeing your gift going unused.

Would you consider a day out to mark his birthday, lunch somewhere nice that you've been wanting to try? A place where you both enjoy going? A picnic/bbq in the park? Somewhere the whole family can enjoy? Along with some chocolates and a card...

daisychain01 · 14/04/2023 06:38

rockpoolingtogether · 12/04/2023 09:14

Thank you @Sunnydays60! You are so right. If want advice on divorce, I know where the relationship board is.

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So you'd rather we gave you advice which ultimately prolongs the agony by remaining with an absolutely arse who doesn't care about you, but passive aggressively wrapping up a manky old present because you know he doesn't care and that's the only way you have to express your pain?

Nope - I and many other - are not prepared to gaslight you by ignoring the reality and skirting round the subject. Even if you hadn't give me any other info than you want to regift, I'd have known your relationship must be miserable for you or else you're prepared to put up with him and not take the action to live your best life.

Ineke · 14/04/2023 08:22

Maybe no gifts,not even chocolates but something for the whole family, day out, meal out, trip to cinema, to celebrate or mark the event.
Also, if you are upset about last years gift going out of date, why don’t you have a go at making Kombucha? He’s had a year now to get started with it and not done anything, shame to waste the kit. You can probably some fresh scoby if the old one doesn’t work.

RachaelN · 14/04/2023 08:51

Take your son to choose some chocolates for him. Mirror his behaviour and see how he feels.
I just bought my other half an old ps2 and a certain game that he wanted because he used to love it when he was younger.
He was absolutely over the moon and I know he will reciprocate when it's my birthday. He will probably ask me what I want first to make sure.

BlondieLady · 14/04/2023 09:04

Make it easy on yourself. Buy him socks for his birthday. Treat yourself to something special on your birthday, win, win! 😜

Richie · 14/04/2023 09:26

Why not go out for a celebratory meal instead, or theatre or cinema or day out? A gift doesn’t have to be a tangible item it could be an experience/memory instead? Otherwise just a fun card & how others have suggested, a box of chocs…..? Personally , I would not re-wrap last years present especially as it’s hurting you, and will potentially annoy him? Not worth it. Good luck…

rainbowstardrops · 14/04/2023 10:15

bumhug · 11/04/2023 14:13

I bought my DH a gift in Lockdown 2020. It was something that he wanted and cost about £80. He's never even got it out of the box.

I have regifted it to him for every birthday, christmas, anniversary and Father's Day since. He NEVER twigs what it is when unwrapping it, dopey twat.

It truly is the gift that keeps on giving.

It has a good resale value, so I am considering flogging it and seeing if he ever notices. 😁

Oh that really made me chuckle! 😁

rainbowstardrops · 14/04/2023 10:28

I was initially thinking it would be tempting to re-wrap last year's gift but after reading your updates, I wouldn't make that much effort.

I'd take your son to buy him chocolates and if he does the whole 'woe is me' crap then point out why is it ok for you but not for him.

I know you said you don't want relationship/divorce advice but honestly, what joy does he bring to the table?

And he goes to another room when your parents visit and then constantly shushes you all?!!!! That's downright bloody rude in my book!!!

Sillyname63 · 14/04/2023 17:12

I would buy him a bottle of Kombucha, he obviously likes it but can't be arsed to make it from the kit. Or another alternative is to wrap every gift from the last few years he won't remember them anyway and do that every birthday and Christmas for a while.

Sunnydays60 · 14/04/2023 17:55

daisychain01 · 14/04/2023 06:38

So you'd rather we gave you advice which ultimately prolongs the agony by remaining with an absolutely arse who doesn't care about you, but passive aggressively wrapping up a manky old present because you know he doesn't care and that's the only way you have to express your pain?

Nope - I and many other - are not prepared to gaslight you by ignoring the reality and skirting round the subject. Even if you hadn't give me any other info than you want to regift, I'd have known your relationship must be miserable for you or else you're prepared to put up with him and not take the action to live your best life.

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Fair enough she seems miserable and might need to hear from others that his behaviour isn't on, but the point is she's asked for specific advice about the present. It's not all that helpful for people to just say "why are you putting up with it? Divorce him". As if it's that simple. Why should she be hounded with this "advice" which wasn't even asked for? You don't need to ignore the reality as you put it, but it's one thing to say "personally I don't think he's worth it and you'd be better of without him... But don't regift (which I don't actually think she was seriously considering anyway and was rather just a tongue in cheek reaction to the situation), do this instead"
... and another thing entirely to assume simply sounding off about how crap he is in this one situation and advising her to leave him would be in anyway helpful or do anything other than make her feel judged for even getting to this point.

I think it's more than possible leaving him might be on her radar but just getting through day to day life might be all she can do right now (and making the gift situation more bearable would help her do this) til she feels she wants to make that decision properly. And when she does, like she says, she'll ask directly about that. If someone is suffering covert mental abuse, they need to realise and accept that themselves before they can move forwards. No amount of random people (who don't even know the guy) making blanket statements about how crap he is (which she obviously knows anyway - but, I'd hazard a guess, is nuanced with guilt over his mental health) is likely to help influence her on this and will likely only make her feel more down.

Original poster

rockpoolingtogether · 14/04/2023 18:44

Thank you for the sensible ones like @Sunnydays60 . You got explained it perfectly!

OP posts:

Original poster

rockpoolingtogether · 14/04/2023 18:44

Sillyname63 · 14/04/2023 17:12

I would buy him a bottle of Kombucha, he obviously likes it but can't be arsed to make it from the kit. Or another alternative is to wrap every gift from the last few years he won't remember them anyway and do that every birthday and Christmas for a while.

Like this

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 14/04/2023 20:17

Getting through day to day life shouldn't involve regifting a present that is going to have deteriorated as my understanding is that it's perishable goods.

I haven't hounded the OP to divorce her DH, in fact I never use the LTB in advice I give. I ask what contribution they make to their happiness and do they really feel they deserve being treated badly. If I am guilty of having a very very low threshold for arseholery then yup cuff me constable. I can't stand any woman on here in a relationship that lowers their morale and self-esteem, it's damaging and holds great women back in life. It saddens me immensely.

daisychain01 · 14/04/2023 20:24

I was going to add re the regifting, if it had been an item of clothing or a bottle of whisky that hadn't been opened, I would have probably said, yeah why not. But it's a fermented culture that will have gone off, so that's giving a very negative message, which I know was probably the point - but my point is it will create even more bad feeling so why do that. Adding fuel to the fire....

JWhipple · 15/04/2023 19:33

Can you get him a Lynx gift set.or.similar?

Sj10 · 16/04/2023 08:57

I’ve done this!! Twice, with the same gift
my husband received quite an expensive newest version of a digital photo frame about 5years ago.
I have regifted it to him twice as it remains in its box and cellophane. He will be getting it again this year as it remains as new.
he also received a projector one Christmas from me and when I saw it hadn’t moved since Boxing Day and it was end of January I returned it for a refund…. He still hasn’t noticed 2 years later!

Gettinthehangofthisatlast · 16/04/2023 09:15

Don't know if you're still reading comments, but perhaps this might provide insight...

Your husband finds it hard to choose presents, both for other people and for himself. Possibly he finds gifts unnecessary and feels guilty about unused ones.

People who don't feel loved by gifts (I'm one, so I know) find it hard to realise how important they are to other people, especially that gifts are valued on effort put into choosing them.

You say you enjoy giving thoughtful gifts. If you ask him to choose something, you give him a task he finds challenging. So you need to do the choosing. Get him something he would use, but maybe get a slightly nicer one. Eg my stepdaughter now buys me socks, but one or 2 pairs of quality ones with fun designs, which i appreciate. She always spots when I'm wearing them so it's win-win.

Honestly, I don't think there's any malice in him not using the gifts you get him. I've got unused paint sets, needle felting, books etc, all of which I asked for but haven't had time for and genuinely wanted. I feel guilty I haven't used them and am glad no one is making a big deal of it. Regifting one of these would just be hurtful.

It's also possible he would prefer 'quality time' eg a coffee date, or 'act of service' eg breakfast in bed to a physical gift.

You do need to let him know that you expect a gift from him for your birthday and give him suggestions of what would be nice.

Hth

tanyardo76 · 19/04/2023 07:13

I would gift wrap an empty box every year and present him with that.