Page 8 | To rewrap his present from last year

rockpoolingtogether · 2023-04-11T08:59:42+00:00

My DH birthday is coming up in one months time. I enjoy thinking about gifts and gifting something I think the recipient will like. For the last few years, the gifts I have given him have been left unused or put in a drawer. Last year, I specifically asked him what he wanted and bought that. Once again, it's nearly his birthday, and the gift I gave him last year isn't used. The worst thing is, it is a time specific thing. He wanted to make kombucha. So I bought him a decent kit and it had the scoby (the live ingredient) included. Don't ask me much about all this as I'm not really into that sort of thing!! Anyway, it is still sat in a cupboard and when I mentioned it once, he got all defensive so I've not said anything since. I don't feel like going to the effort of choosing something nice, for it not to be appreciated or used. To add insult to injury, he doesn't do gift giving. It was my birthday recently and he hadn't bought me a present but took my son to choose some chocolates. Maybe I'm over thinking this but I'm offended and hurt by his attitude. So Aibu to regift what I gave him last year?

sandyhappypeople · 12/04/2023 09:47

My ex BIL was exactly like this in many ways, no friends, didn’t make an effort with anyone or anything, hated my sister being anywhere but with him, and would play the victim ALL THE TIME, which she allowed and made excuses for. They would make plans for day trips with the kids, then he would cancel the morning of, would completely ignore us if we came round, not even say hello or goodbye, feign illness last minute to get out of anything my sister wanted to do. He did exactly the same to the children except he’d belittle them or play down any achievements the had, call them thick etc, interrupt them when they we’re trying to speak, so they had no confidence at all.

Basically a right ignorant, controlling prick.. I never understood how she could possibly put up with it all. I think because he wasn’t physically abusive she didn’t think it was abuse?

the kids were older school aged when she finally left him, she was instantly happier and has been for years now, but guess what.. they are just like him now in so many ways.. they can’t help it, much like he couldn’t help becoming like his father, BUT in a lot of cases there seems to be a meek woman on the sidelines making excuses and allowing history to repeat itself, it’s horrible.

the irony of it is, a lot of people stay together ‘for the kids sake’ it’s an absolute joke.

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 12/04/2023 09:53

sandyhappypeople · 12/04/2023 09:47

My ex BIL was exactly like this in many ways, no friends, didn’t make an effort with anyone or anything, hated my sister being anywhere but with him, and would play the victim ALL THE TIME, which she allowed and made excuses for. They would make plans for day trips with the kids, then he would cancel the morning of, would completely ignore us if we came round, not even say hello or goodbye, feign illness last minute to get out of anything my sister wanted to do. He did exactly the same to the children except he’d belittle them or play down any achievements the had, call them thick etc, interrupt them when they we’re trying to speak, so they had no confidence at all.

Basically a right ignorant, controlling prick.. I never understood how she could possibly put up with it all. I think because he wasn’t physically abusive she didn’t think it was abuse?

the kids were older school aged when she finally left him, she was instantly happier and has been for years now, but guess what.. they are just like him now in so many ways.. they can’t help it, much like he couldn’t help becoming like his father, BUT in a lot of cases there seems to be a meek woman on the sidelines making excuses and allowing history to repeat itself, it’s horrible.

the irony of it is, a lot of people stay together ‘for the kids sake’ it’s an absolute joke.

This is a wake up call. I hope the OP reads it and takes it on board.

Your poor sister.

paulthepython · 12/04/2023 09:58

I genuinely don't think most guys care that much about birthday presents. As adults with children it's pretty typical that if you really want something you would discuss, budget and purchase it no matter what time of year it is so birthdays become a bit meaningless. I love them and love investing time and effort to make them special for people I love that care about them but for my partner he prefers doing things to getting things so we always just go out somewhere nice instead and I get him chocolates from the kids. If that's what he got you then that's all he's expecting so just do that. I wouldn't dwell on the beer set, I've had big plans to learn to paint and draw, start cycling more often, learn a language, start skateboarding, brew my own wine, plant a vegetable garden and put up photo frames...doesn't mean of someone got me the raw requirements I would actually be motivated to do it...don't make him miserable over a gift he's not got the energy to do, don't be passive aggressive about it either- thats really mean and surely completely against the spirit of gift giving. If he's hurt your feelings with the lack of effort for your birthday just tell him that calmly and kindly and tell him it would mean a lot if some time he could do something special for you that he's thought about and you would like (but be realistic that this might not meet your expectations either as he's still just a bloke 🤣) x

Tirednursemumwifeslave · 12/04/2023 10:01

I get you. I tend to buy my husband something we can do as a family for example a game we can all play - then me and my son both get some use out of it. If I really can’t be bothered I would just get some chocolate from the supermarket paying from the joint account 😆

Princesspeach31 · 12/04/2023 10:03

Isittimeformynapyet · 11/04/2023 10:08

Get him a bunch of lilies and a nice casket - for his scoby

This cracked me up 😂

sillysmiles · 12/04/2023 10:12

NoTouch · 11/04/2023 10:32

It is fair enough not to do gifting not everyone does. Where it becomes a problem is if one person in a couple is a gifter and the other isn't.

The gifter doesn't respect the others choices and buys gifts that are not wanted, or pressures for ideas that would be wanted and the receiver needs to come up with something.

The gifter gets pissed off when they don't get gifts from someone who "doesn't do gifts".

It is the gifter that causes the issues! But always the non-gifter that gets the blame!

What happened to the pleasure is in giving not receiving!

I disagree. Being a non-gifter isn't an ideology or political statement. It is a statement of I don't care enough about the people in my life to consider them worthy of any extra effort. I'm not considering them beyond the day to day life.
Because someone who is a "non-gifter" is equally not a person to pick up a random item/card/gift on a non occasion day because they saw it and thought their partner would like it.

If you are non-gifter - how to you demonstrate "specialness" for your partner or loved ones?

DeflatedAgain · 12/04/2023 10:13

Just do the chocolate thing

RealHousewifeofExhaustion · 12/04/2023 10:16

the irony of it is, a lot of people stay together ‘for the kids sake’ it’s an absolute joke

This is so true. Then the kids have this huge baggage on them knowing that if they dont say their upbringing was the best ever, they will be "at fault" for not appreciating the "sacrifice" 2 selfish miserable people made to stay together.

DS19 and I were talking about this the other day. It makes him feel queasy the thought of his dad and me still being together just for him and his siblings. He knows how awful it would have been for everyone.

But it takes guts to separate and put the children first. It would have been much easier to stay together and put up with his crap in the short-term. But the long-term? Doesn't bear thinking about tbh.

I think getting a plant or something you actually want for the house or garden is a great idea! Win-win - he gets a gift, so can't sulk, and you benefit 😃

sillysmiles · 12/04/2023 10:18

rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 14:08

@PousseyNotMoira no. He is a covert narcissist. It is not possible to converse with him. He is very defensive. He doesn't ask questions about my day, but if I initiate a simple how was your day? He simple mumbles or grunts a one word response. If my parents are here, he takes himself off into another room and is constantly shushing us. So no, I can't. I would love to have a normal conversation without feeling like I have to dig to get more than a one word response. Would be lovely to have a bit of banter or laugh. He is pretty much in the defensive and often sarcastic. Just

Sorry I missed this post.

Life is too short. I'd try have a serious conversation about the state of your relationship and then if he is not willing to engage start looking at what you need to be happy. Because being with someone like this does not sound like a route to happiness.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 12/04/2023 10:18

JudgeRudy · 12/04/2023 01:58

I bet he has ADHD. He won't mind if you dont get him a gift. He won't mind if you re-wrap last years present. He might even make it up that night (before it goes off)...he will mind though if you're arsey about it. I get you're disappointed but I bet he would gladly have no gifts ever if you weren't then disappointed.

He just doesn't think his birthday is important. Or your birthday ( or Xmas, Valentines etc) unfortunately He knows you do though so he tries....and fails.

My sister buys me nice gifts. I don't really want them. I loath people asking me what I want when I don't want anything right now, so now I have to research something and be specific or end up something I don't want. I'm not bothered getting a meh pressie, I am bothered when I'm asked if it's tasty/interesting/the right size.
If you think He's so ungrateful....actually he might be...but that's OK. Its the present he's ungrateful for, not you. He might even feel guilty because he's not as thrilled as you had hoped. This has nothing to do with how much he cares.
Buy him some socks/aftershave that he'll enjoy then just do something nice for him another time.

Since when was having ADHD also an excuse for having no basic manners?

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 12/04/2023 10:21

paulthepython · 12/04/2023 09:58

I genuinely don't think most guys care that much about birthday presents. As adults with children it's pretty typical that if you really want something you would discuss, budget and purchase it no matter what time of year it is so birthdays become a bit meaningless. I love them and love investing time and effort to make them special for people I love that care about them but for my partner he prefers doing things to getting things so we always just go out somewhere nice instead and I get him chocolates from the kids. If that's what he got you then that's all he's expecting so just do that. I wouldn't dwell on the beer set, I've had big plans to learn to paint and draw, start cycling more often, learn a language, start skateboarding, brew my own wine, plant a vegetable garden and put up photo frames...doesn't mean of someone got me the raw requirements I would actually be motivated to do it...don't make him miserable over a gift he's not got the energy to do, don't be passive aggressive about it either- thats really mean and surely completely against the spirit of gift giving. If he's hurt your feelings with the lack of effort for your birthday just tell him that calmly and kindly and tell him it would mean a lot if some time he could do something special for you that he's thought about and you would like (but be realistic that this might not meet your expectations either as he's still just a bloke 🤣) x

So why is her husband asking for specific gifts then? Were you too busy mansplaining to us to read the OP?

Original poster

rockpoolingtogether · 12/04/2023 10:31

Tirednursemumwifeslave · 12/04/2023 10:01

I get you. I tend to buy my husband something we can do as a family for example a game we can all play - then me and my son both get some use out of it. If I really can’t be bothered I would just get some chocolate from the supermarket paying from the joint account 😆

Another great idea. So I could go plant, gin (because I like it!) or a game. Thanks. That's why I started the thread for gift ideas .

OP posts:

JudgeRudy · 12/04/2023 10:32

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 12/04/2023 10:18

Since when was having ADHD also an excuse for having no basic manners?

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In fairness I'd not read all the replies until now but what I was offering was a suggested reason for his behaviour

supersop60 · 12/04/2023 10:34

NoTouch · 11/04/2023 10:32

It is fair enough not to do gifting not everyone does. Where it becomes a problem is if one person in a couple is a gifter and the other isn't.

The gifter doesn't respect the others choices and buys gifts that are not wanted, or pressures for ideas that would be wanted and the receiver needs to come up with something.

The gifter gets pissed off when they don't get gifts from someone who "doesn't do gifts".

It is the gifter that causes the issues! But always the non-gifter that gets the blame!

What happened to the pleasure is in giving not receiving!

Where's the pleasure in your gift being shoved in a drawer? It's rude and unfeeling.

IsaiditwasLighthearted · 12/04/2023 10:45

rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 14:08

@PousseyNotMoira no. He is a covert narcissist. It is not possible to converse with him. He is very defensive. He doesn't ask questions about my day, but if I initiate a simple how was your day? He simple mumbles or grunts a one word response. If my parents are here, he takes himself off into another room and is constantly shushing us. So no, I can't. I would love to have a normal conversation without feeling like I have to dig to get more than a one word response. Would be lovely to have a bit of banter or laugh. He is pretty much in the defensive and often sarcastic. Just

Why aren't you giving the gift of divorce to yourself?

He sounds utterly awful and the gifts is just the tip of the iceberg. He's manipulating you all over and you're accepting it.

Seriously, why are you putting up with this?
I'm not a regular LTB MN er at all, but this just sounds utterly miserable and a terrible example for your son.

seratoninmoonbeams · 12/04/2023 10:47

VickyEadieofThigh · 11/04/2023 10:24

Another vote for chocolates - the same ones as he got you. Just do this every year and take the weight off your mind.

💯

Fraaahnces · 12/04/2023 10:54

I’d start telling him that YOU don’t like buying HIM presents. Fuck! He sounds exhausting. He’s the ultimate fun vampire!

ObiWanKanobi · 12/04/2023 10:55

Another vote for chocolate and use the money you saved to treat yourself instead x

IsaiditwasLighthearted · 12/04/2023 10:57

@JudgeRudy I bet he has ADHD. He won't mind if you dont get him a gift. He won't mind if you re-wrap last years present.

I bet he doesn't. OP said he's a covert narcissist and whines and moans and plays the victim, claiming nobody cares about him. That's not ADHD. That's a knob.

OP I'd definitely be selling all the unused and unwanted gifts and putting it towards solicitor fees to leave this dickhead.

JudgeRudy · 12/04/2023 11:06

IsaiditwasLighthearted · 12/04/2023 10:57

@JudgeRudy I bet he has ADHD. He won't mind if you dont get him a gift. He won't mind if you re-wrap last years present.

I bet he doesn't. OP said he's a covert narcissist and whines and moans and plays the victim, claiming nobody cares about him. That's not ADHD. That's a knob.

OP I'd definitely be selling all the unused and unwanted gifts and putting it towards solicitor fees to leave this dickhead.

Yes, I've 'caught up' with all the replies.He doesn't sound nice at all

Mirabai · 12/04/2023 11:21

seratoninmoonbeams · 12/04/2023 10:47

💯

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💯x 💯

Pixiedust1234 · 12/04/2023 12:23

There you go OP, some good answers here. My favourite is to do exactly the same as him so he can't get huffy and sulk with you. And if he does have the brass neck to sulk then you can ask why he thinks its good enough for you but not him. You might find his answer illuminating.

I still can't get over how he shushes your parents when they visit 😮

ImAvingOops · 12/04/2023 12:27

These threads do my head in!

The real question is why do you continue to be in a relationship with such a loser?

Raise your standards

NoTouch · 12/04/2023 12:59

sillysmiles · 12/04/2023 10:12

I disagree. Being a non-gifter isn't an ideology or political statement. It is a statement of I don't care enough about the people in my life to consider them worthy of any extra effort. I'm not considering them beyond the day to day life.
Because someone who is a "non-gifter" is equally not a person to pick up a random item/card/gift on a non occasion day because they saw it and thought their partner would like it.

If you are non-gifter - how to you demonstrate "specialness" for your partner or loved ones?

Show quote history

dh and I are both "non-gifters" we show each other "specialness" in many ways on a daily or adhoc basis if something arises, or if we want something we just say and it comes out of family money. We don't pressure each other into buying something that might not be needed or wanted just because of a date on a calendar.

We don't feel the need to validate that "specialness" by buying something that HAS to be "special" on the many days of the year someone else has decided are "special" (birthdays, valentines, mothers day, christmas, easter etc etc). I find the whole thing ridiculous commercial bollocks and it is sad relationships should suffer because some people are made to feel they HAVE to conform by their partners.

But it seems "non-gifters" are not allowed to have that opinion, they need to be coerced and manipulated into displays of "specialness" by "gifters" and that is wrong.

paulthepython · 12/04/2023 13:00

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 12/04/2023 10:21

So why is her husband asking for specific gifts then? Were you too busy mansplaining to us to read the OP?

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I've read some of your other replies and I'm not sure why you are purposefully trying to be rude and antagonistic but I'll answer your question anyway. I did read OP...she was thoughtful and purchased the set after he mentioned he would like to make some. Her point is that she buys nice gifts that she's given thought to and that he doesn't make the same effort in reverse. She doesn't say that he specifically asked for the kit and she's asking if it's unreasonable to rewrap it - again, he clearly hasn't given a specific request for this birthday either. Also there was nothing about my post that was mansplaining...and I'm also not a man which is, I'm assuming, the assumption you made when you went on the offensive. I had a royal python, named Paul, when I joined mumsnet...I get that that's confusing but there's also no need to be rude just because you think someone is a man.