Page 7 | To rewrap his present from last year

rockpoolingtogether · 2023-04-11T08:59:42+00:00

My DH birthday is coming up in one months time. I enjoy thinking about gifts and gifting something I think the recipient will like. For the last few years, the gifts I have given him have been left unused or put in a drawer. Last year, I specifically asked him what he wanted and bought that. Once again, it's nearly his birthday, and the gift I gave him last year isn't used. The worst thing is, it is a time specific thing. He wanted to make kombucha. So I bought him a decent kit and it had the scoby (the live ingredient) included. Don't ask me much about all this as I'm not really into that sort of thing!! Anyway, it is still sat in a cupboard and when I mentioned it once, he got all defensive so I've not said anything since. I don't feel like going to the effort of choosing something nice, for it not to be appreciated or used. To add insult to injury, he doesn't do gift giving. It was my birthday recently and he hadn't bought me a present but took my son to choose some chocolates. Maybe I'm over thinking this but I'm offended and hurt by his attitude. So Aibu to regift what I gave him last year?

Novatherova · 12/04/2023 08:10

Isittimeformynapyet · 11/04/2023 10:08

Get him a bunch of lilies and a nice casket - for his scoby

Hahaha this!

daisychain01 · 12/04/2023 08:12

You've got bigger problems in your relationship if you think it's OK to give him a kit containing "live" ingredients from a year ago to make a point. It was a present, what he did with it was his choice.

If he doesn't do birthdays, then it's pointless forcing him to do something he doesn't enjoy.

If it's general malaise and he just can't be arsed, then that speaks volumes and you won't change things by wrapping up a manky year old gift and expecting things to change.

GetYourActTogether1 · 12/04/2023 08:17

Buy him some chocolate and don’t give it another thought.

Climbles · 12/04/2023 08:33

These threads are interesting. The OP says something trivial then drip feeds some awful details about their relationship in general. I wonder if on some level they do want to hear that they should leave but are testing the waters without fully confronting everything. The way kids will often disclose more minor details of abuse first to see what the reaction might be.
Your relationship sounds joyless. I can’t understand why you would want to continue it.

Sunnydays60 · 12/04/2023 08:44

@Climbles exactly. I feel like the best option is to get something that's like a present for the house/garden. Something that isn't obviously something for her but that she can use and appreciate (I was all for the "experience" for them to share... until I realised that a meal out with this person sounds like a terrible idea and a really traumatic event!). This is the way to get over the birthday/Christmas hurdle which is the problem right now. Going forward, it sounds like she knows that the relationship is over but it's just a matter of waiting for the defining moment to help them go their separate ways. She doesn't need advice about leaving him (as everyone is keen to give) because ultimately she's not quite at that point yet.

MissClimpsonsTypingBureau · 12/04/2023 08:48

Hi OP, glad you've got this particular problem sorted and I hear what you're saying about being aware of the wider dynamics/ problems and not wanting to address them now. I'm not living your life, so I'm not going to say that's the wrong approach. But I did want to say that you deserve a partner who you can talk to and laugh with, and who loves and values you. Don't ever think you're not worth that. Stay with your DH by all means but remember you are CHOOSING to stay and you could choose to leave.

Nanny0gg · 12/04/2023 08:55

rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 13:26

Maybe, but if I do what he does, he gets huffy that no once cares about him.

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So? You reap what you sow.

Let him be huffy, I wouldn't even bother with chocolates

Imisssleep2 · 12/04/2023 08:56

Don't regift last year's gift, just don't get him one, simple. If he doesn't bother, why should you. Get chocs from your child and leave it at that.

Mumsanetta · 12/04/2023 08:56

Climbles · 12/04/2023 08:33

These threads are interesting. The OP says something trivial then drip feeds some awful details about their relationship in general. I wonder if on some level they do want to hear that they should leave but are testing the waters without fully confronting everything. The way kids will often disclose more minor details of abuse first to see what the reaction might be.
Your relationship sounds joyless. I can’t understand why you would want to continue it.

I find them interesting too. It’s inevitable that there will be calls to LTB after the awful drip feeds but the poster then just ignores those posts. Why mention it if you are going to ignore the inevitable advice? I hope it is as you say and just about testing the water.

Nanny0gg · 12/04/2023 08:57

rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 18:48

Have discussed it in the past. He says he doesn't like buying presents and finds it stressful. It's not just me! He doesn't send cards or gifts to his family and doesn't really have friends. He expected me to sort out his secret Santa one year and I told him where to go with that one!

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I'm assuming there's a very good reason why he doesn't have any friends...

Schnooze · 12/04/2023 09:01

Spend what you normally would.

But treat yourself to something for yourself as your delayed birthday present. A plant if that’s what you’d really like or something else that you really want.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/04/2023 09:06

How about divorce papers @rockpoolingtogether ,you don't sound like you like him

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 12/04/2023 09:10

Of course YABU. Why do you keep putting such effort Year after year for someone who is not bothered? Don’t give him last year gift unless you want to ruin the day. Take him out for lunch/dinner and leave it at that.

KettrickenSmiled · 12/04/2023 09:12

For the last few years, the gifts I have given him have been left unused or put in a drawer. Last year, I specifically asked him what he wanted and bought that. Once again, it's nearly his birthday, and the gift I gave him last year isn't used.
So you've known for a few years they he doesn't really 'do' giving OR receiving presents, but persisted - in the hopes that maybe he'd one day get it & act appreciative?
Now you've realised that he won't, it's time to accept that you are not going to align on this subject, accept that he's a different person to you & stop making all this effort.
Rewrapping his bloody kombucha present would be an act of supreme passive-aggression. There is no point parading your hurt feelings at him in a petty act of revenge - he won't get it, & you will put yourself squarely in the wrong.

To add insult to injury, he doesn't do gift giving. It was my birthday recently and he hadn't bought me a present but took my son to choose some chocolates.
You need to find a way to accept this.
You can't MAKE him thoughtful & pro-active about presents. Trying to is only going to piss both of you off. If he's thoughtful & kind on a day-to-day basis, just write it off as a quirk, & match his efforts - ie take the kids to buy him chocolate/something small like he did for you.
Marriage is about compromise, so compromise on this, & you can stop winding yourself up with crushed hopes that he will suddenly match your giving/receiving.
Unless he's ungenerous & thoughtless in all other areas, in which case have a think about why you are hanging on in there waiting for him to change.

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 12/04/2023 09:14

KettrickenSmiled · 12/04/2023 09:12

For the last few years, the gifts I have given him have been left unused or put in a drawer. Last year, I specifically asked him what he wanted and bought that. Once again, it's nearly his birthday, and the gift I gave him last year isn't used.
So you've known for a few years they he doesn't really 'do' giving OR receiving presents, but persisted - in the hopes that maybe he'd one day get it & act appreciative?
Now you've realised that he won't, it's time to accept that you are not going to align on this subject, accept that he's a different person to you & stop making all this effort.
Rewrapping his bloody kombucha present would be an act of supreme passive-aggression. There is no point parading your hurt feelings at him in a petty act of revenge - he won't get it, & you will put yourself squarely in the wrong.

To add insult to injury, he doesn't do gift giving. It was my birthday recently and he hadn't bought me a present but took my son to choose some chocolates.
You need to find a way to accept this.
You can't MAKE him thoughtful & pro-active about presents. Trying to is only going to piss both of you off. If he's thoughtful & kind on a day-to-day basis, just write it off as a quirk, & match his efforts - ie take the kids to buy him chocolate/something small like he did for you.
Marriage is about compromise, so compromise on this, & you can stop winding yourself up with crushed hopes that he will suddenly match your giving/receiving.
Unless he's ungenerous & thoughtless in all other areas, in which case have a think about why you are hanging on in there waiting for him to change.

He sulks, a lot, if the OP doesn’t give him gifts @KettrickenSmiled

So he doesn’t do giving, but very much does do (and demands) receiving gifts.

Original poster

rockpoolingtogether · 12/04/2023 09:14

Sunnydays60 · 12/04/2023 08:44

@Climbles exactly. I feel like the best option is to get something that's like a present for the house/garden. Something that isn't obviously something for her but that she can use and appreciate (I was all for the "experience" for them to share... until I realised that a meal out with this person sounds like a terrible idea and a really traumatic event!). This is the way to get over the birthday/Christmas hurdle which is the problem right now. Going forward, it sounds like she knows that the relationship is over but it's just a matter of waiting for the defining moment to help them go their separate ways. She doesn't need advice about leaving him (as everyone is keen to give) because ultimately she's not quite at that point yet.

Thank you @Sunnydays60! You are so right. If want advice on divorce, I know where the relationship board is.

OP posts:

KettrickenSmiled · 12/04/2023 09:20

rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 13:32

Yes, I think you are right that something complex is going on. It just makes it very hard for me to know how to manage the situation. Gift him something he doesn't use and gets huffy if I mention it, or don't get him anything and be moaned at that no one cares about him and that he is neglected

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Sorry OP, missed all your updates somehow - caught up now.

He's set you up with a "damned if you do, damned if you don't".
You say you reckon he's a covert narc. The bit about him going to another room when your folks are round but "shushing" your conversation from there was horrible.

Why are you even bothering with him anymore?
This is no way to live.

Short term, I'd buy him nothing, & when he does his "nobody cares" rehearsed schtick, give him both barrels for his hypocrisy.
Long term, I'd be consulting a divorce lawyer on the quiet, to establish what the logistics & finances would look like after a split.

ClairDeLaLune · 12/04/2023 09:21

While regifting is a great idea and must be so tempting, you’re kind of seizing the moral low ground with that. Chocolates it is then.

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 12/04/2023 09:22

OP you have way bigger problems than the gift giving and you know it. Your options are

give him a big gift and get no appreciation for it
Give him a small gift and piss him off
Regift last year's gift and piss him off even more
Consider this relationship deeply and come to the realisation that you deserve better than a narcisist who you get nothing positive from and take action to change this.

I know which I'd be choosing ...

potatowhale · 12/04/2023 09:22

Just give him a tenner?

Wheresthebeach · 12/04/2023 09:28

He's not bothered about gifts for you so I don't see why you're fussing about stuff for him. I'd explain that as he didn't bother with a gift for you, you aren't doing one this year.

WilsonMilson · 12/04/2023 09:31

So he can only be arsed to get you some poxy chocolates, and you’re spending even a second on wondering what to get him. Why?

What a mean sod. I’d honestly just get him a chocolate orange for a quid at this point. Two can play at that game.

FabFitFifties · 12/04/2023 09:40

I wouldn't cause an argument on his birthday. Just don't bother anymore, other than a token from DC. Then think about if he's right for you, if you are going to be upset by his lack of generosity or thought on these special occasions. He's unlikely to change.

Mirabai · 12/04/2023 09:42

Chocolates.

If he moans that no-one cares about him point out that’s what he gave you.

ChimChimely · 12/04/2023 09:42

I just wouldn’t bother at all, too much effort compared to what he does for you