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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rewrap his present from last year

243 replies

rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 09:59

My DH birthday is coming up in one months time. I enjoy thinking about gifts and gifting something I think the recipient will like. For the last few years, the gifts I have given him have been left unused or put in a drawer. Last year, I specifically asked him what he wanted and bought that. Once again, it's nearly his birthday, and the gift I gave him last year isn't used. The worst thing is, it is a time specific thing. He wanted to make kombucha. So I bought him a decent kit and it had the scoby (the live ingredient) included. Don't ask me much about all this as I'm not really into that sort of thing!! Anyway, it is still sat in a cupboard and when I mentioned it once, he got all defensive so I've not said anything since. I don't feel like going to the effort of choosing something nice, for it not to be appreciated or used. To add insult to injury, he doesn't do gift giving. It was my birthday recently and he hadn't bought me a present but took my son to choose some chocolates. Maybe I'm over thinking this but I'm offended and hurt by his attitude. So Aibu to regift what I gave him last year?

OP posts:
WhiteBobbin · 11/04/2023 12:39

WTAF he doesn’t do gift giving?
Take your son to go get some chocolates for him. Easy.

Ellie56 · 11/04/2023 13:01

No don't re-gift last year's present. That's a waste of time, energy and wrapping paper. Just take DS to buy chocolate or other token gift.

Going forward, I would stop giving him gifts all together and then when it is your birthday, spend the money you would have spent on him on a nice gift for yourself. Ditto at Christmas. Job done.

DisquietintheRanks · 11/04/2023 13:20

YABU -he doesnt do gift giving so don't give him a gift.

Original poster
rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 13:25

PousseyNotMoira · 11/04/2023 10:29

He doesn’t do gifts and he doesn’t appreciate the gifts you give him. So, just stop giving him gifts, surely? Considerably more straightforward (and less petty) than regifting last year’s gift.

Yes I know... but then he moans that no one cares about him and plays the victim. I don't really care too much any more that he can't be bothered to do anything for my birthday (my parents and friends make the effort) but do get irritated when he expects an effort to be made on him when he can't be bothered to reciprocate. His parents never get him a gift or send him a card and he's lost contact with all his friends so doesn't get anything other than from me and my parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 13:26

Brefugee · 11/04/2023 10:31

he doesn't do gifts and is a procrastinator? get him something from DS that DS picks out and if you really feel you need to give him something? Amazon voucher.
Job done.
(but i do think the PA re-wrapping of last year's is hilarious)

Amazon voucher is a good idea but

  1. He will say he has lost his account log in so can I buy whatever with the voucher for him.
  2. He will forget and it will expire!
OP posts:
Original poster
rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 13:26

NoTouch · 11/04/2023 10:32

It is fair enough not to do gifting not everyone does. Where it becomes a problem is if one person in a couple is a gifter and the other isn't.

The gifter doesn't respect the others choices and buys gifts that are not wanted, or pressures for ideas that would be wanted and the receiver needs to come up with something.

The gifter gets pissed off when they don't get gifts from someone who "doesn't do gifts".

It is the gifter that causes the issues! But always the non-gifter that gets the blame!

What happened to the pleasure is in giving not receiving!

Maybe, but if I do what he does, he gets huffy that no once cares about him.

OP posts:
Original poster
rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 13:28

SwordToFlamethrower · 11/04/2023 10:43

The bigger problem is lack of acknowledging your love language, which is gifts.

Being passive aggressive or not getting him anything won't actually solve the problem.

The problem is his lack of love and care and both your lack communication

I'm actually not that into gifts, but would like at least a card or a bunch of flowers! He doesn't bother at all. No Xmas present, no Xmas card, no Mother's Day flowers or card for his own mum or helping our children.

OP posts:
Original poster
rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 13:30

diddl · 11/04/2023 10:46

All the unused gifts you have given him-does he actually ask for them?

Yes- read the OP! The kombucha kit was something he had specifically requested and said he wanted for ages.

OP posts:
Original poster
rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 13:30

Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 11/04/2023 11:00

He doesn’t do gifts? So he just doesn’t bother with you? But he asks for things?

Is he actually asking for things or are you forcing this? Maybe he just doesn’t want a gift but you keep pushing it?

No, I really don't push is. He hinted and said what he wanted. Makes my life easier not to bother

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 11/04/2023 13:31

If he doesn't 'do gift giving', then he doesn't get to do gift receiving (clearly as he's got no interest in actually using his gifts.

homemade card and a bar of Dairy Milk should sort it.

Original poster
rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 13:32

ThatFraggle · 11/04/2023 11:14

I've been depressed and have left gifts I really looked forward to unused. Sort of 'I don't deserve to use these bath bombs.'

Not saying that's your husband's deal, but just pointing out that apart from ingratitude there are other explanations.

Yes, I think you are right that something complex is going on. It just makes it very hard for me to know how to manage the situation. Gift him something he doesn't use and gets huffy if I mention it, or don't get him anything and be moaned at that no one cares about him and that he is neglected

OP posts:
Bivarb · 11/04/2023 13:35

You'd be a mug to get him anything at all. Have your son choose him some chocolates.

If he questions it, just be bright and breezy. Oh, I decided to take a leaf out of your book and try doing birthdays your way. I have to say it's much easier than what I was doing before. You were definitely onto something there!

He can hardly get annoyed. Just tell him you thought he wasn't into birthdays and was humouring you when you got him gifts he ultimately didn't use.

DisquietintheRanks · 11/04/2023 13:37

So when he moans that "no one cares about him" you do point out that he makes FA effort for you, right? You surely don't just put up with it?

MarieRoseMarie · 11/04/2023 13:37

He sounds vile and you sound like a massive mug. Is it even his son?

If not, why are you even bothering? How can you even bring yourself to have sex with such a whiny passive aggressive little bitch-baby?

Brefugee · 11/04/2023 13:39

rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 13:26

Amazon voucher is a good idea but

  1. He will say he has lost his account log in so can I buy whatever with the voucher for him.
  2. He will forget and it will expire!
Show quote history

then he gets nothing - chocolate and a card if you're feeling generous. Job done.

Mumsanetta · 11/04/2023 13:40

You reap what you sow. If your DH is “not into gift giving” then why on earth does he get to have a moan if nobody else buys him a gift? Maybe his parents and friends stopped buying him gifts because they got fed up of the lack of reciprocity!

You have shot down suggestions to just buy him some supermarket chocolate to match his effort because he would complain but you think he would be more upset about that than if you re-wrapped gifts from last year? I really don’t understand what’s going on here.

ReadersD1gest · 11/04/2023 13:42

Having a live scoby in your house is giving me the willies 😂
Disclaimer - I'm not entirely sure what a scoby is and am choosing not to Google.

Mumsanetta · 11/04/2023 13:44

rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 13:32

Yes, I think you are right that something complex is going on. It just makes it very hard for me to know how to manage the situation. Gift him something he doesn't use and gets huffy if I mention it, or don't get him anything and be moaned at that no one cares about him and that he is neglected

Show quote history

So you think he might have been depressed for several years? Is this something he has treatment for? Or is it easier to believe that he is depressed rather than just a selfish dick?

PousseyNotMoira · 11/04/2023 13:52

rockpoolingtogether · 11/04/2023 13:25

Yes I know... but then he moans that no one cares about him and plays the victim. I don't really care too much any more that he can't be bothered to do anything for my birthday (my parents and friends make the effort) but do get irritated when he expects an effort to be made on him when he can't be bothered to reciprocate. His parents never get him a gift or send him a card and he's lost contact with all his friends so doesn't get anything other than from me and my parents.

Show quote history

And then you say that he doesn’t get you gifts and doesn’t use or appreciate the gifts that you get him. Are you not able to have a straightforward conversation with your husband?

ArrrMeHearties · 11/04/2023 13:53

I'd give him a card and that would be all put as much effort in as he does

pinkyredrose · 11/04/2023 13:55

He sounds like a child . From now on make the same amount of effort that he makes with you.

ChateauMargaux · 11/04/2023 13:56

Can you do something that models care and gift giving while alsp being something that you and your son can get joy from... .

Bunch of flowers, card, envelope with.. 'Dear Daddy.. we are taking you out to XXX for lunch'.. wrap his favourite wine and get your son to make a craft item for him.. like a Dad lego figure..

herlightmaterials · 11/04/2023 13:58

I can't quite see why you're bothering to stay with him, based on the updates. He sounds awful.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 11/04/2023 14:05

You lost me at 'doesn't do gifting'. What a cunt.

I'd be making the sum effort of zero for his birthday.

What goes around comes around surely.

SchrodingersParrot · 11/04/2023 14:06

Why do you buy presents for him if he doesn’t get them for you?
**
what a sad thing for your son to see
**
I get you are trying to show kindness and gift giving is a lovely thing, but all your son is seeing is that women and mums come last in the pecking order

^^ THIS, 100%.

Boys learn an awful lot about how to treat girls (and later women) by seeing how their fathers treat their mothers.