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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you get a night / baby nurse?

223 replies

Newarea · 11/04/2023 01:04

If you could afford it / it was free.

I think in theory I’d love it but in reality I’d feel guilty. Contemplating this as I head into another long newborn night!

YABU - no
YANBU - I would

OP posts:
Original poster
Newarea · 11/04/2023 01:06

Btw no judgment of anyone that would - I think I’d be a much better me in the day time if I had slept

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 11/04/2023 01:09

No I would expect my partner to share the load more (which if breastfeeding can include watching while you sleep feed to ensure baby is safe and helping unlatch and settle them after). My husband was great first time round but second time tbh he really struggled with tiredness due to age and I had to call on parents to help so if I didnt have anyone else perhaps I would?

Judgyjudgy · 11/04/2023 01:21

Those days were certainly hard! But no, I think that's all part of having a baby and the bonding experience. The first 3 months are certainly tough, but manageable - just!

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 11/04/2023 01:22

I’m done having my babies but if I did have another I 100% would. I lost so many nights and so much sanity to lack of sleep and couldn’t bear it again

Floralnomad · 11/04/2023 01:27

No , I never needed much sleep and was quite happy watching Tv in the middle of the night doing feeds etc .

ChimneyPot · 11/04/2023 01:28

I did.
I had twins when my eldest was 1. They were 5 weeks premature, home at 3 days old 4.5 weeks before they were due and DH was back at work 3000 miles away 2 weeks later.

All 4 grandparents worked full time in a different city and couldn’t help.

I don’t think I would have survived without help.

ReadersD1gest · 11/04/2023 02:05

I won't be having any more, but if I was to do it all again I definitely would.
I regret not doing so.

ReadersD1gest · 11/04/2023 02:06

ChimneyPot · 11/04/2023 01:28

I did.
I had twins when my eldest was 1. They were 5 weeks premature, home at 3 days old 4.5 weeks before they were due and DH was back at work 3000 miles away 2 weeks later.

All 4 grandparents worked full time in a different city and couldn’t help.

I don’t think I would have survived without help.

Oh, Lord! I found three under 5 hard!

Ilovetea42 · 11/04/2023 02:16

No, I actually really loved the newborn stage. I was exhausted but I loved the cuddles and I had been really nervous about breastfeeding so was really determined to get that established and I watched a lot of good boxsets in the wee hours to the point my dh got my Bluetooth headphones for Xmas! But I would also say he was very supportive and I really did nap during the day when baby napped or dh took him for an hour or two while I slept. I think it would be much much harder to do a second time round with a toddler to look after. But when I could just focus on one child I really liked the time to bond and snuggle.

elodiesmith · 11/04/2023 02:33

I did this recently for 2 months, my baby was 5 months.

No guilt whatsoever, I knew this was only short term, so I enjoyed all the rest, and the yoga I did in my free time.

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 11/04/2023 02:40

Good Lord yes.

Pbubz · 11/04/2023 02:41

Curious as to what this would cost outside of London if anyone has any experience

Dustyblue · 11/04/2023 03:07

I would have in a heartbeat. Hand them over at 7pm and take them back at 7am, in the newborn stage? Bliss.

I say that having had my 1st at 41, copped massive PND and felt like i was dying. Wish I could've enjoyed the snuggles etc but simply could not. Sleep might have made a difference!

sykadelic · 11/04/2023 03:22

100% would. I had severe PPA including suicidal ideation. I wasn't able to sleep during the day due to a sleeping disorder and the PPA (I have so much to do, why am I sleeping). I only had 8 weeks off work (US based), and husband only had the week.

I would stand over my sons crib and sob about having "done this to us". I would have a panic attack at the slightest noise at night thinking he had woken up.

In the hospital I tried letting them take him to the nursery but the anxiety of being a "failure" and "needing help" was too much... as was the fact they were constantly in and out.

Id give myself way more grace a second time around (not that it's happening, DH had the snip).

FWIW once we found a schedule that worked it was much better. I just needed a good 5 hours, and I needed medication. So I went to bed at 7PM and husband stayed up till 10pm. Our son was usually asleep for the first long stretch at 9/10 so I could usually sleep till around 11/12. Made a WORLD of difference to my mental health.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 11/04/2023 03:27

I'd have preferred someone to do all my household crap during the day so all I had to do was snuggle the baby and sleep. Thankfully my husband did the first few weeks while on paternity leave but ideally, since we're making a wish list I'd have liked an24/7 housekeeper for around 3 months please.

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 11/04/2023 03:29

Forgooodnesssakenow · 11/04/2023 03:27

I'd have preferred someone to do all my household crap during the day so all I had to do was snuggle the baby and sleep. Thankfully my husband did the first few weeks while on paternity leave but ideally, since we're making a wish list I'd have liked an24/7 housekeeper for around 3 months please.

Oh this is much better! 🤗

Summer2424 · 11/04/2023 03:30

Hi @Newarea i'd say no, i have a 6 month old and looking back now i'm glad i didn't, that time is hard but it's amazing to bond with the baby x

Happyhappyday · 11/04/2023 03:34

ABSOLUTELY. A friend had twins recently (already had a 4yo) and they threw money at the problem hard, they were there and they were parenting, she exclusively breast fed the twins for a year, but she got help because she could afford it. Why not?! Night feeding didn’t bond me to dd, it just made me resentful and the ensuing insomnia made me suicidal. I know it’s special for some people but not me!

BrokenBonesStixStones · 11/04/2023 03:36

I was a single mum before DC was even born, so never had any help with night feeds etc. I was incredibly lucky that by 9 weeks my DC was sleeping the whole way through the night (I suppose from about 6/7 weeks the stretch in between feed were getting longer), no other DC so I could nap when he napped etc. So for having a newborn I was surprisingly well rested.

if I didn’t have that though, I would definitely get respite a few nights a week - without sleep I can’t function and I’m not my best self. I’d feel guilty but think it would be best for everyone

mum1771 · 11/04/2023 03:40

As a mum sat up with their 18 month old having a split night - 1000 times yes. 18 months of having horrendously broken sleep and it's made me depressed. Yea

Blessedbethefknfruit · 11/04/2023 03:44

I think having one for every third or forth night would be nice, just to get a good night sleep in to recharge for the next few days and nights.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 11/04/2023 03:46

mum1771 · 11/04/2023 03:40

As a mum sat up with their 18 month old having a split night - 1000 times yes. 18 months of having horrendously broken sleep and it's made me depressed. Yea

As someone with long term poorly sleeping children it does pass. My eldest is still difficult to GET to sleep at 5 but since around 2.5 once he's asleep we get 10/11 hours straight. This is a child who never did more than 45 mins from a few months old until he was 2. My youngest is better but at 20 months is asleep in my armpit just now while I consider a cot transfer or just staying awake snuggling her. It does pass though, even with dreadful sleepers I promise.

shivawn · 11/04/2023 03:58

Absolutely. I priced them in the mist of the 4 month sleep regression and I was surprised at how reasonable they were per night. I tried to book one for a couple nights but unfortunately they were booked out weeks in advance.

Merrow · 11/04/2023 03:59

I roomed in at the neonatal unit for the last week DS2 was there to establish breastfeeding so I effectively had this for a very short period. He was still hooked up to all the monitors so couldn't be in the same room as me, and they called me down when he woke for feeding, then once he was done if he didn't settle immediately for me they would send me away to sleep while they got him sorted.

Now that he's home (and currently sleeping on me before I brave putting him in his cot...) I've realised the big difference is that when I went to sleep I had absolutely no anxiety about him. At the moment DP takes him for a stint in the early evening and every night I wake up, panic that the crib is empty so I must have fallen asleep holding him then search the bed for him, then wake up enough to remember that DP just hasn't brought him upstairs yet. Then in the brief moments he is asleep in the cot I tend to wake before him.

I think it's not the cost that would stop me getting a night nurse though, it's the fear of the social stigma - my mum, for example, would definitely judge me for but being able to cope with the realities of a newborn! But if it was just part of the package of things you get access to as a new parent, and no different from a visit from the health visitor, I probably would get one.

In an ideal world what I'd really like though is SIDS eradicated so that falling asleep with a baby sleeping on top of you is absolutely fine. If that was the case I don't think I'd need any extra help at night.

Appleblum · 11/04/2023 04:02

Why not? Not just a night nurse, but someone around the house to help out generally for the first few months would be so helpful.