Who is BU here, them, DH or me?

[DessertGate]

Spent ages shopping, cleaning, preparing and cooking for Easter lunch yesterday for extended family. Spent ages making a really nice dessert.

MIL rocks up with a dessert, not even a nice one, and then everyone says they will have hers as they don't want to offend her. She seems upset that I have made one.

I tell DH that I am not happy. I used to make Sunday roasts and she would turn up with veg and a chicken and insist on having it on the table alongside whatever else we had made.

I just feel it is undermining, and no one has the bottle to go against her. I am sick of it. There were other things that happened, and collectively they make me feel like I'm someone they have to put up with and I feel disrespected in my own home.

DH thinks I am overreacting and IABU.

I know a lot of people who think it's right to contribute to a meal in some way, therefore helping out, I think it's just another way of thinking-she didn't turn up with the main part of the dinner. To be fair people could have had both over the entire day, or some of one and some of another

This

MIL is similarly PA. It's far more than trotting up with a pud. If DH wants her here he cooks, end of story. She can behave in her shitty way but I won't be putting any effort into it. If I cook a celebration meal I decide who's coming. It's rare she's invited now but has so little self-awareness it hasn't struck her that I no longer put up with the disrespect and welcome her into my home. DH generally goes there alone and she misses out on many occasions.
Why doesn't your DH side with you? That seems to be what's really happening and upsetting you. I understand DH's FOG towards DM, especially since the loss of his dad but it's his and his alone. She isn't my DM.

Yanbu. At all. This is very weird and passive aggressive behaviour, and you should be showing this whole thread to DH.

Unless... And I say this tentatively, because from your descriptions you've invested a lot in cooking... Your dessert wasn't very appealing? My grandmother liked cooking but was a horrific cook. DM used to take food along to her meals so that I would have something to eat and wouldn't spend the whole time sulking and complaining. It sounds as if you're a great cook but maybe your MIL doesn't like the things you make? Or finds them hard to digest? Moussaka and tzatziki is lovely but could be very rich and garlicky. Someone with a sensitive stomach might definitely prefer roast chicken.

So what were the two desserts? (Sorry if this was mentioned upthread.)

You shouldn’t have to do this, but next time it’s probably a good idea to text ahead of time and establish what she’s bringing.

YANBU. It’s really cheeky of her and thoughtless of the others. Your DH should be more understanding of your feelings in your own home

Am I the only person who saw that when OP hosts a roast dinner, MIL brings a fucking chicken?! The dessert is a red herring. It's unfortunate OP picked that as her example, as that's the one time it sounds essentially normal.

Who tf does that? Can you actually imagine if your friends invited you for roast dinner and you without saying anything, brought a roast lamb to eat yourself, then try and encourage everyone else to eat it over the hosts food? What are you trying to say? I have to be involved somehow? I don't think you can cook so here's something cooked by brilliant me? I don't care about the money and time you've spent preparing a meal you've been kind enough to invite me for? You never make enough, so I'm bringing more food because you're a skinflint?

Why are we pretending this is normal? No one does this.

Again, dessert is a red herring. It just happened to be a dessert this time. I make really spectacular desserts (rarely, but when I do, they're centrepieces) and would be slightly annoyed if I'd spent hours making a croquembouche and people turned up like "ta daaaa, look what I've got though" with a supermarket cheesecake, but not furious as it is true, people often bring a pudding as a good intention. What would royally fuck me off though, was if they were rude enough to try and push my dessert out, having seen the effort I'd gone too, so they could dish up their own food.

It actually sounds like quite a formal Easter Sunday roast, similar to Christmas dinner. It wasn't exactly 'pop in after work and I'll make you some tea.' OP had put a lot of work in for MIL to undermine it and make out like it wasn't good enough and has to bring an alternative.

you have several choices,
a) Tell (don't ask) her not to bring food as you are fully capable of providing enough.
b) stop hosting, just don't do it any more ever. And whenever you go to someone else's take a massive main or dessert and huff and puff if they are rude enough to reject it in any way. Passively-aggressively
c) allow DH to host and do nothing. completely disengage with the whole thing. Bonus points for a sudden appointment on the day so you can't be there
d) explain to DH exactly how rude and PA his mother is. How you feel disrespected and ignored in your own home and that he contributes at least 50% to that
e) walk away from it all

We need to know what the two puddings were.

This isn't a case of dessert or chicken, it's the fact the the OPs MIL does this, for whatever reason, and everyone would rather upset the OP than the MIL (inc her DH) when the MIL is clearly doing this is disrespect the OP. She's not bringing it to save the op time or money, if this had been the case she'd have offered to bring desert when invited. You turn up with a bottle of wine or maybe Easter Eggs, not a course of the meal.

Good for you OP, I'd stop hosting, if your DH wants to host, he can cook

This!

Another one here who’s dying to know what the two puds were!

Op I get it. I love cooking and completely understand where you are coming from. You can’t control other’s actions, but you can control how you react. Is mil doing this to get a reaction out of you? You can either stop hosting, or stop bothering with the effort. Just buy the crappest ready made food, and do nothing for dessert. I know you are cringing reading this, but if she is bringing food anyway don’t put the effort in. And that goes for the cleaning and making the table look nice. When you host your family go mad with effort, maybe even post a few fbook pics. If they are going to be jerks, let them be poorly fed jerks. But just leave mil to it. You are completely right, it’s rude, but you can’t win this by letting it get to you.

Next time don't do a dessert and when MIL asks, tell her you thought she'd brought one, like usual?

Your issues aren't about the dessert. If you want to accommodate guests who like to cook, you agree a side with them in advance. Your issues are more broadly that you aren't on friendly terms with the family. Is that something you actually want to fix? If not just stop hosting. If you do, then you'll need your DH to help.

I'd have just assembled my dessert and put them both out. Bringing some pudding is a nice gesture. In my house we'd probably all have double pudding. I think you're not being unreasonable to be miffed but if you've harped on about it all afternoon that would be annoying i can see why your husband would be irritated.

All that being said, if she used to effectively bring a whole 2nd roast when you were making a roast, that is bizarre and feels undermining and I can see why now, after that, a pudding would really annoy you.

This. Time to put an end to her manipulative ways.

Next time: ‘Oh thanks, MIL, but we’ve already got dinner/dessert. I’ll just pop yours in the freezer and we’ll enjoy it later in the week.’ And when she leaves, ‘I know you like to bring a contribution, so next time you could bring a bottle of something or a nice bix of chocolates. That way, none of us are making food unnecessarily.’

Or, make a full dinner and take it with you next time you’re invited to hers. ‘I thought that was traditional in your family. You always bring food to mine.’

It’s rude and a bit attention seeking of her. Pretending she is being nice, and if you dare say anything you’re the bad one. So it’s your dh that needs to speak up, but he won’t so he is also making you feel like the bad one even though you’ve cooked and cleaned and put a lot of thought into everything. It’s kind of shitty. Yanbu.

Oh come on!

A dessert would be fine if arranged in advance. When we have family meals one of us will often do that, but only by prior arrangement. And if we end up with two desserts good manners usually dictates people try a bit of each one.

But seriously, who takes additional meat to a dinner without checking? That's not normal behaviour durelt? I don't know anybody crass enough to do that. And if you can't see anything weird about having a nicely prepared, Greek-themed meal and then having to incorporate a bit of uninvited chicken then I think you are trying to be wilfully blind to OP's situation.

OP I feel for you and all I can say is do not offer to host again. If your DH pushes for a family meal make it clear it is on him. The shopping, prepping, getting the house ready cleaning up after.

Out of interest, what are the other family members like to you? Is it just MIL? Are the others OK when she isn't around?

YABU. I don’t see the issue, it’s just dessert, an accompaniment to the meal.

Your mother in law sounds a pain OP. I think even if you had made a dessert than was less appealing sounding than MIL’s surely at least half of the guests your DH included would have asked for a piece of both or just had yours to show some respect and appreciation to the person who had gone to the trouble of hosting and cooking.

I either wouldn’t bother in future or put a message out saying something like as it seemed to go down really well last time when MIL brought the dessert it might be nice if we all agree to bring a dish it will also save me some time and effort in the kitchen.

PS OP have you watched Everybody Loves Raymond as your MIL sounds very like the over bearing MIL Marie in the TV show. https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=everybody+loves+raymond&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari

YABVU

I always bring dishes to a meal and I feel rude for not doing so.

She did a kind thing by actually bringing something.

I think you’re being really immature that you are annoyed that it wasn’t all about you.
Making yourself some of yours just to prove a point is just petty.

If this is a regular thing which upsets you then stop inviting them or get DH to do all of the shopping and cooking for his mum.

I am greedy so I would have had a bit of both tbh but you can’t be annoyed that they chose one over the other and it’s childish to throw your toys out of the pram because they didn’t choose yours.

What were the desserts?

Maybe yours wasn’t something that they would enjoy.

In order to not offend MIL the family are happy to offend OP, the host. that's the issue.
The mistake OP has made is to keep hosting them for all these years. She should have stopped long ago.