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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU here, them, DH or me?

275 replies

DessertGate · 10/04/2023 06:56

Spent ages shopping, cleaning, preparing and cooking for Easter lunch yesterday for extended family. Spent ages making a really nice dessert.

MIL rocks up with a dessert, not even a nice one, and then everyone says they will have hers as they don't want to offend her. She seems upset that I have made one.

I tell DH that I am not happy. I used to make Sunday roasts and she would turn up with veg and a chicken and insist on having it on the table alongside whatever else we had made.

I just feel it is undermining, and no one has the bottle to go against her. I am sick of it. There were other things that happened, and collectively they make me feel like I'm someone they have to put up with and I feel disrespected in my own home.

DH thinks I am overreacting and IABU.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 10/04/2023 08:19

Ask MIL to make something for sweets next time and leave it up to her. She likes to contribute and she is old and set in her ways. She was rude, yes, but everyone can see that and knows she is extreme in her habits.

Don't fuss so much, cook less, enjoy eating the left overs with some girl friends and wine.

The only way forward is for you to not take it to heart nor be snipey in return. Do think about where to gather as a family - let everyone share hosting and dealing with MIL.

Shoxfordian · 10/04/2023 08:20

Don’t cook anything next time and just say that you assumed she would bring it all like last time. Your dh isn’t on your team; is he usually more supportive? Honestly though if this has happened more than once then why spend all day cooking for them? Wasting your time there

Northernparent68 · 10/04/2023 08:20

RedRobyn2021 · 10/04/2023 07:23

It is disrespectful because you are hosting.

Exactly, bringing a pudding can be well meant or it can be passive aggressive.

aureus3012 · 10/04/2023 08:20

I would be upset if nobody ate the dessert I had prepared. I would have put both out on the table so people could help themselves. What were the 2 desserts?
She sounds awful, especially not knowing you had siblings!

mynameiscalypso · 10/04/2023 08:20

It's not about the dessert. It's a power play. And more fool your DH and ILs for falling for it. I hope you are all of your lovely dessert and have a massive portion for breakfast today (and your DH doesn't get a bite)

ChickenDhansak82 · 10/04/2023 08:21

My MIL used to do this.

I'd spend ages making a tolberone cheesecake then she'd turn up with a pudding too. A bleugh one like plum crumble which had no sugar in and the stones still inside the plums!

I told them they could all eat grandma's pudding so I don't need to make them in future. They all took tiny amounts of hers and ate all of mine!

I now ask MIL to being a cheese board instead.

If she brought her own roast chicken I wouldn't bother hosting a meal again!

blondieminx · 10/04/2023 08:22

YANBU, but you know that.

DH needs telling that he needs to step up with helping with prep for the day (cleaning and then clearing up since you’re cooking) and that since he’s married to you and not his mother that he also needs to think about your feelings.

I’d also be saying now that whatever the next big family gathering is, you are NOT hosting. And stick to that.

Gymmum82 · 10/04/2023 08:23

I’m struggling to imagine a family dinner with only one dessert. Usually there are 2 or 3. More at Christmas. At my aunties a minimum of 5. Most people will have a helping of at least 2. I don’t understand why there couldn’t be more than 1 pudding?
Also most people on MN think it’s rude to turn up empty handed to a meal if you read the recent CF thread so MIL can’t really win can she?

Inthebathagain · 10/04/2023 08:24

I didn't process when going through my divorce how freeing it would be that I would not have to try to be kind, polite and engaging with my XMIL, XFIL or XSIL ever again. Or listen to XH tell me yet again why their behaviour could be justified, or why he didn't address their behaviour in the moment or (my favourite) tell me I was making a mountain out of a molehill when yet again he or DCs were being treated as second class citizens by MIL compared to SIL and her family.

This is your DHs family. Get him to address it with them and if he doesn't, you should. No one has a right to make you feel that way in your own home.

Boomboom22 · 10/04/2023 08:24

Clearly yanbu amd the pp who think you are not are probably also passive aggressive controlling nut jobs. But you def have to do problem. He cares more about his mum not bring upset than his wife being ignored and undermined for 25yrs, how can she possibly nit know her dil has 2 siblings?

Boomboom22 · 10/04/2023 08:25

A dh problem! Ffs mn is impossible to use lately!

Somanysocks · 10/04/2023 08:26

Yes your mil sounds like Marie Barone.

MrsMikeDrop · 10/04/2023 08:26

I don't understand these threads. Why not just have both, but if she's going to be a dick about it who cares. More dessert for you to eat later. Family can be annoying sometimes but no need to get stressed and angry over a dessert

JudgeRudy · 10/04/2023 08:26

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/04/2023 08:02

Actually it's rude to barge in with additional food, interfering with what the hostess had planned.

Never host again, OP. If your husband wants to, let him crack on while you take a spa day.

Show quote history

I'm not sure it is considered rude anymore, certainly not amongst family. Etiquette evolves.

Rosula · 10/04/2023 08:28

Did the guests express appreciation of the main course and thank you for hosting them?

KTSl1964 · 10/04/2023 08:29

You have a husband problem really. He won’t stick up to her.
Stop engaging with her. If she a narcissist- all attention on me me me!!!
You sound like you have put up with a great deal over the years.
I hope you don’t buy gifts and cards for her.
Next time she brings one - drop it!!! And then serve her some. 😁
Do others ever host?
Do they thank you?
Does your husband do his share at home.
What does he bring to the marriage.
Hes choosing to ignore her behaviour as he’s used to it or is aware of the consequences when he does stand up to her.
This is a you problem - it’s a them problem.
Time to look at a different way of dealing with it.
Shes saying you don’t matter really - hence her denying she knew you had two siblings. WTF

AgrathaChristie · 10/04/2023 08:30

She is doing it to undermine you, not to be generous.
You could insist she brings two desserts —- choose the most complicated ones you can.
Invite friends instead of family, you can choose them.

WimpoleHat · 10/04/2023 08:31

It's pretty normal to bring a dessert to a family meal

I think it depends on your family! My MIL would occasionally bring an apple pie (as it was DH’s particular favourite), but she’d always ask first and if I had made something would be happy for that to be eaten and the pie to be put away for DH’s later personal delight. I have friends who sometimes do this, but they offer first (“shall we make a pudding?” “Lovely - thanks”) and so it’s a nice gesture and not a hijack. OP’s MIL sounds like she’s engaging in a bit of oneupmanship. The fact that she will be “upset” if people don’t eat “her” food points to this as well.

Testina · 10/04/2023 08:31

DessertGate · 10/04/2023 07:23

Do all your other in-laws eat MIL dessert because she'll huff like a child if they don't?

Yes.

Again, it's OK if I am offended when I got up at 6am to cook for everyone and didn't stop till 8pm last night and no one ate what I baked, but it's not OK to say no to MiL.

You sound like a martyr.
That doesn’t mean she isn’t rude (bringing an additional dessert is fine, a chicken to a moussaka meal is rude) but that doesn’t mean you’re not also a martyr.

Don’t get up at 6am! What on earth for?!

Assemble your dessert anyway. “Oh it’s lovely when you can have a small bit of everything”. Just do it.

People who post about all the cleaning they do to host - are you dirty slatterns that don’t keep your houses clean otherwise?!

ZombieMumEB · 10/04/2023 08:35

@DessertGate
when I got up at 6am to cook for everyone and didn't stop till 8pm last night

In future - leave DH to be in charge of meals (planning, shopping, cooking) when his side of the family are coming over for a meal, whilst you sit down with your feet up.

Tohaveandtohold · 10/04/2023 08:36

I won’t have an issue with this personally because I’ll be happy to eat what I made or what they brought another time. It’s just extra food or dessert.
We don’t drink alcohol and our family and friends know this so if I’m hosting, someone can’t just turn up with a bottle of wine, sometimes they bring juice and sometimes, people just bring some contribution to the meal which I put on the table with everything else and people can eat it if they want to and some can take what’s not eaten home or I use it some other time. Like the extra chicken in your example, I can’t personally see why that’ll spoil the meal really.

Trixielo · 10/04/2023 08:36

Sweeted · 10/04/2023 08:01

What was the dessert? Salt and lemon juice will ruin most of them. Be a shame if it somehow got doused in a potent mixture.

Keep that in your back pocket for next time and watch as everyone's faces crumple when they take a big bite of appeasement and end up with pure regret. Oh dear, has MIL made it with gone off cream? Silly old lady added salt instead of a dusting of sugar? Oh well, at least they've still got your lovely dessert that was made for the occasion. The imposter dessert can be laid to rest in the bin.

Should have stuck to the correct etiquette people. Never be rude to your host.

😮

JudgeRudy · 10/04/2023 08:37

Gymmum82 · 10/04/2023 08:23

I’m struggling to imagine a family dinner with only one dessert. Usually there are 2 or 3. More at Christmas. At my aunties a minimum of 5. Most people will have a helping of at least 2. I don’t understand why there couldn’t be more than 1 pudding?
Also most people on MN think it’s rude to turn up empty handed to a meal if you read the recent CF thread so MIL can’t really win can she?

You are correct, you are struggling to imagine......that not everyone is like your family.
When there's just 5/6 of us we regularly have just one desert, and one portion each. I wouldn't say most people have a helping of at least 2...
Though I agree, 2 deserts wouldn't be out of the ordinary.

I guess it depends how much of the event is the meal. My BIL is a great cook so really look forward to his meals, cue oos and ahs. My mum regularly hosts and feeds us because she has a bigger room and is central. I'm pretty sure 'Aunt Bessie helps out' so different vibe.

inappropriateraspberry · 10/04/2023 08:39

It's rude. YANBU.
It's one thing to offer to bring something ahead of time, but to just turn up with extra food is rude. It's like saying she doesn't like your cooking and wants an alternative for everyone. And who bring's a whole roast dinner when invited for a meal?
You and DH need to be firm and stand together in this. "Thank you, but we have everything arranged. You can take this back home for tomorrow."

gettingoldisshit · 10/04/2023 08:39

Stop inviting them over op! If she is so keen on her own food then let her do all the hard work!

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