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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU here, them, DH or me?

275 replies

DessertGate · 10/04/2023 06:56

Spent ages shopping, cleaning, preparing and cooking for Easter lunch yesterday for extended family. Spent ages making a really nice dessert.

MIL rocks up with a dessert, not even a nice one, and then everyone says they will have hers as they don't want to offend her. She seems upset that I have made one.

I tell DH that I am not happy. I used to make Sunday roasts and she would turn up with veg and a chicken and insist on having it on the table alongside whatever else we had made.

I just feel it is undermining, and no one has the bottle to go against her. I am sick of it. There were other things that happened, and collectively they make me feel like I'm someone they have to put up with and I feel disrespected in my own home.

DH thinks I am overreacting and IABU.

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 10/04/2023 08:01

The fact everyone had to eat some for fear of upsetting her shows the type of person she is and they all know! Don’t be like her!
She’s not the MIL you want, don’t expect her to be. Rise above and next time take bets with your dh on what the side dish will be!

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 10/04/2023 08:01

WandaWonder · 10/04/2023 07:56

It's dessert, i do wonder how people manage when there is long drawn put soap opera back stories behind simple things.

Do the people that come up with this 'she is doing it because she sits at home coming up with ways just to upset you' act like this themselves towards others?

If you don't want to cook for them dont

I am guessing there is a backstory. OP if you dont want to cook then just dont, go out and host or order takeaway for everyone

Sweeted · 10/04/2023 08:01

What was the dessert? Salt and lemon juice will ruin most of them. Be a shame if it somehow got doused in a potent mixture.

Keep that in your back pocket for next time and watch as everyone's faces crumple when they take a big bite of appeasement and end up with pure regret. Oh dear, has MIL made it with gone off cream? Silly old lady added salt instead of a dusting of sugar? Oh well, at least they've still got your lovely dessert that was made for the occasion. The imposter dessert can be laid to rest in the bin.

Should have stuck to the correct etiquette people. Never be rude to your host.

YellowGreenBlue · 10/04/2023 08:01

It's pretty normal to bring a dessert to a family meal. I think you're overreacting a bit because you dislike her in general.

Fantasmagoricalan · 10/04/2023 08:01

People need to stop looking at this in isolation and realise it’s the latest in 25 years or so, of undermining and pointed actions. In isolation they seem like nothing, hence the stupid H’s blindness to his mother’s faults, but add them all up and they’re thoroughly depressing.

Stop hosting, OP. Stop being generous. If your H huffs at you about it (apple and tree, spring to mind) tell him why and say he’s welcome to host but you’ve retired.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/04/2023 08:02

NumberTheory · 10/04/2023 07:24

Bringing desert is generally a nice gesture and one to incorporate graciousciously (even if you think the intent behind it is undermining rather than generous).

But guests who tell a host to just not bother with food they’ve planned and purchased are disrespectful and ungrateful. And the way to deal with that is to not ask them again.

Let your DH cook if he wants to ask his family round. You put your feet up and have whichever pudding you like the look of.

Actually it's rude to barge in with additional food, interfering with what the hostess had planned.

Never host again, OP. If your husband wants to, let him crack on while you take a spa day.

Evaka · 10/04/2023 08:02

Sounds like you really dislike your man's family but try to please them by working your arse off to host? Your remark about feeling left out in your own home is sad, ditto your MIL saying she didn't realise you had two siblings. Just don't host them anymore if they're mean to you. Otherwise you'll have some insane dessert drama every time and will look/sound petty when this is really about feeling they don't like you, which is genuinely tough.

junebirthdaygirl · 10/04/2023 08:04

She is obviously a pain but l wouldn't bother getting upset about it. Just know it's her not you and get on with your day today. At least you have a nice dessert to look forward to later.
The family obviously have a dynamic going where Mum has to be kept happy no matter what. no one challenges her. Entertain your own family and friends and leave them all off. Bringing a dessert isn't a big deal but l would have put both out and let people choose. To be honest in my family both would be cleared. But to insist it's Mum's dessert is ludicrous.

ThoseDamnCrows · 10/04/2023 08:04

It's passive aggressive and rude. My MIL does similar.

Catshaveiteasy · 10/04/2023 08:04

Totally understand. It is not about the dessert as such but the fact she effectively brought her own without asking and disregarded the fact you had made one. It's rude and disrespectful.

We had a family meal recently. I offered to bring dessert well in advance to take the pressure off the host and she accepted. I wouldn't have just taken one without checking.

Gremlins101 · 10/04/2023 08:05

I mean this kindly: Stop being a martyr. It won't make anyone respect you more. Just don't host them.

connie26 · 10/04/2023 08:05

Yanbu. She should have mentioned this to you beforehand as you were the host.
Is she a bit like Marie from Everyone Loves Raymond? 😄

Littlebummybums · 10/04/2023 08:07

You sound like a petulant teenager. With this spiral of negativity maybe people start tearing you as you act. Could you not be jolly and grateful that someone brought dessert and use yours for the next day.

FairAcre · 10/04/2023 08:08

She sounds a right piece of work.

FairAcre · 10/04/2023 08:09

Littlebummybums · 10/04/2023 08:07

You sound like a petulant teenager. With this spiral of negativity maybe people start tearing you as you act. Could you not be jolly and grateful that someone brought dessert and use yours for the next day.

You seem to have totally missed the point

Trendingtopic · 10/04/2023 08:09

Actually it's rude to barge in with additional food, interfering with what the hostess had planned

“barge in” lol. the “hostess” lol. Bringing food to an informal family lunch is seldom considered rude, I get it is for uou though.

we often do it to one another, we just think it’s fantastic, the more the better and shove it all on the table

as the ops dessert wasn’t even assembled I can see why they may have said oh don’t worry , and thought they were being nice.

people have so many weird rules they create in their own heads. Like this one, now you can’t have a family lunch and bring a dessert or it’s rude.

kirkandpetal · 10/04/2023 08:10

I think it's totally rude to bring food to a meal unless it's been specifically arranged beforehand.

YANBU Op, and your MIL sounds like hard work. Clearly so if everyone felt the need to pander to her.

I would also have been upset at the effort, time and money you spent organising and prepping for the day being ignored and manipulated by her. I would be having a word with my DH to ensure this is nipped in the bud if you host again.

I hope you get to enjoy your dessert today instead.

JudgeRudy · 10/04/2023 08:12

On the face of things it does look as if you're being unreasonable. You hosted a family dinner and your MIL brought a desert which it seems everyone liked. That doesnt sound underming or disrespectful....however I sense there's history here.
You imply others have only eaten her 'not very nice' desert, (rather than your really nice one) through fear of offending. You also say she 'insists' on things and no-one has the bottle to 'go against her'. This isn't about the desert is it? You seem almost angry at your family for not being at all perturbed by her. Could it be they like her and she was just being helpful?
What other offences has she committed? If it is actually these meals just tell her not to bring anything because it complicates issues....or appoint yourself coordinator and delegate a duty eg MIL, could you bring some French sticks and cheeses, or a bottle of Chardony, a trifle....whatever. An alternative would be to leave cooking to OH....or maybe just be honest and try and work out why you really don't like her.

category12 · 10/04/2023 08:12

You're working too hard to please people who take pleasure in deflating you. You will never get the appreciation you deserve because they're deliberately withholding.

If you enjoy hosting and cooking, do it for your own friends and your side of the family.

Let your husband take charge of hosting/catering to his family. Or go really low effort with it, just buy in and chuck it on the table. Stop investing so much energy and emotion in these events if his mum is coming.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 10/04/2023 08:13

People think it's rude to bring a dessert?! Jeeze so uptight. It's a dessert. It wouldn't phase me if someone turned up with dessert, it would just go on the table with mine for people to choose.

grafittiartist · 10/04/2023 08:14

She probably doesn't want to arrive empty handed.
Ask her for a specific thing next time.

Strictly1 · 10/04/2023 08:14

I thought it was good manners to offer something - usually a dessert. This just feels dramatic and a non-event.

WeWereInParis · 10/04/2023 08:14

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 10/04/2023 07:51

How this is disrespectful or undermining, if she got something to your party? it’s just dessert. I dont understand how eating a bit of chicken along with our moussaka etc has ruined your life?

Because it's weird to turn up to someone's house with some chicken when you know they're cooking you a meal. I could maybe understand bringing a dessert (but I think you should let the host know beforehand) but bringing some meat to a meal is odd.

"Oh you've made moussaka, let me just add some chicken I've brought along"

It won't ruin the meal, but it is weird.

BoogleOogle · 10/04/2023 08:15

I want to know what the desserts were too.

This situation wouldn't bother me but there's obviously a lot of history there. Next time let DH sort it all/order a takeaway/get some ready meals in. Or if they are that bad then just go out for lunch with friends and leave them to it.

AnonymousArabella · 10/04/2023 08:17

My MIL does this. She would bring birthday cakes, even a whole Christmas dinner once (which she outright stated was in competition with mine - she declared she’d won!).

It’s really annoying and I used to get very upset about it but eventually I realised there was no point. It’s all about her issues and I was the one with the power to stop letting it get to me.

Now I just laugh it off or give her a (very detailed and) specific order and enjoy the extra free time and funnily enough once I took the control factor away from it all, she stopped doing it. I hope you can reach similar peace with your MIL. Take the power away from her. It’s only a big deal if you let it be.

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