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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit sad about how eldest DS’s life has turned out?

155 replies

SimoneSayz · 09/04/2023 20:18

I’ve got three sons aged 19, 21 and 23. The eldest, P, has always been a sweet, loving and kind boy who lacked confidence. When he finished university he’d never had a girlfriend, just a few dates here and there. The younger two had plenty of girlfriends and I know that made P sad. We have a close family and spend a lot of time with cousins.

P started work at 21 and quickly made friends with an older married woman with three young kids, B, who was 30 at the time. I don’t know the exact ins and outs but within six months of meeting P, she’d split from her husband and P moved from our house into her rented one. A few months after that, they moved 300 miles away to be closer to her family.

It’s now two years on and they’ve established a business and a life up there. We rarely see him, never alone, but sometimes he calls on his way to work and he sounds very stressed and isolated. He doesn’t have any friends of his own up there, never sees his old friends, and he works long and antisocial hours on their business whilst she looks after the kids. B is now pregnant.

I know he’s an adult, and has made his own choices, but AIBU to feel a little sad that he’s so far away and now probably always will be?

OP posts:
Xrays · 09/04/2023 20:20

You don’t actually know he’s unhappy though. You’re just assuming things about him.

Viviennemary · 09/04/2023 20:21

Sounds like a miserable life for a young person. Still you will have to leave him to it. He is an adult.

RoseThornside · 09/04/2023 20:23

Why does he sound stressed and isolated when he calls? Have you asked him directly if he's okay, or if he needs some support?

hattie43 · 09/04/2023 20:23

It's not the future you envisioned for him and I think most mums would worry their son taking on 3 kids not theirs and another on the way . It's a big load and big responsibility but presumably your son knew what he was doing

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 09/04/2023 20:25

I would go up and see him on his own and have a heart to heart he may actually be happy though.

Ffsjustltb · 09/04/2023 20:30

It's hard letting them live their own lives and maybe make their own mistakes. My eldest is moving 50 miles away, to buy a property with his gf. Away from his friends and family, and I hate the thought.

Original poster
SimoneSayz · 09/04/2023 20:32

RoseThornside · 09/04/2023 20:23

Why does he sound stressed and isolated when he calls? Have you asked him directly if he's okay, or if he needs some support?

He’s cried a few times whilst saying how much he misses us all, and said that he and B were bickering a lot last summer but he didn’t feel they could separate as they couldn’t afford to run two households. He was throwing himself into work and doing little else. He feels responsible and is a stoic person. They live rurally and he’s always working so there’s not much opportunity to meet new friends.

DH and I are thrilled to be grandparents but I am sad that this means even if P and B did separate, he’ll always live there to be close to his child. He’ll never be near his support network again. His brothers are starting their lives locally and his school and uni friends (he went to uni an hour away) are all still close too. I don’t think he has much to say to his friends now as they’re in very different life stages to him and he can hardly go for a lads’ week in Spain, so I think he’s lonely.

OP posts:
UniversalMamma · 09/04/2023 20:33

Your headline is U – you make it sound like his life is somehow substandard or pitiful. YANBU to miss him and feel sad that he lives a distance away. Although this is not uncommon nowadays and plenty of people I know moved to Australia in their 20s and started families, so could also be worse.

RememberingGoodTimes · 09/04/2023 20:34

I think most mums would feel sad to rarely see their child and to see them settle down so young an older person who already has three kids. That's a normal, healthy reaction.

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do, beyond attempt regular interaction and make the effort to visit him and his family every now and the.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/04/2023 20:35

Op you haven't said why you can't visit him?

Exhibity · 09/04/2023 20:37

I'd be worried about him, sounds like he's struggling, could you go and visit him?

Daftasyoulike · 09/04/2023 20:37

The thing is OP, he could just as easily have gone to Uni 300 miles away, made friends there, and then got a job, and I think you'd have accepted that as him growing into a man and making his way in the world. However, I think what's really making you unhappy is his relationship with this woman. It's coming across to me that you didn't approve of her getting involved with your son when she was married and so you're now blaming her for the fact your son has moved away and you don't see as much of him as you'd like.

I know it's hard to see your kids do things that you think are wrong when they grow up, and naturally we all want to protect them from coming to any harm, but as is the way of the world, they have to make their own mistakes and then live with the consequences. At the end of the day, if he's not happy being so far away from his own friends and family, then it's up to him to tell his partner that, and for them to make a decision whether to move to somewhere half way between the two families. However, from what you've said about him having no time to himself because he's so busy working in their business, that actually sounds like a very focused young man and father to be, and hopefully will prove to be a good move for his future. I'm afraid it's just time to let go, but you're not unreasonable to feel sad about it.

Xrays · 09/04/2023 20:40

Daftasyoulike · 09/04/2023 20:37

The thing is OP, he could just as easily have gone to Uni 300 miles away, made friends there, and then got a job, and I think you'd have accepted that as him growing into a man and making his way in the world. However, I think what's really making you unhappy is his relationship with this woman. It's coming across to me that you didn't approve of her getting involved with your son when she was married and so you're now blaming her for the fact your son has moved away and you don't see as much of him as you'd like.

I know it's hard to see your kids do things that you think are wrong when they grow up, and naturally we all want to protect them from coming to any harm, but as is the way of the world, they have to make their own mistakes and then live with the consequences. At the end of the day, if he's not happy being so far away from his own friends and family, then it's up to him to tell his partner that, and for them to make a decision whether to move to somewhere half way between the two families. However, from what you've said about him having no time to himself because he's so busy working in their business, that actually sounds like a very focused young man and father to be, and hopefully will prove to be a good move for his future. I'm afraid it's just time to let go, but you're not unreasonable to feel sad about it.

Completely agree with this and was about to post the same thing.

Original poster
SimoneSayz · 09/04/2023 20:40

SleepingStandingUp · 09/04/2023 20:35

Op you haven't said why you can't visit him?

Unfortunately I had a stroke last year and am still recovering so the journey takes it out of me, and I can’t drive yet. DH works full time too. The drive takes about five or six hours.

It’s always lovely to visit but very busy and chaotic (which is to be expected with three young kids!) and her family is usually around too, so I don’t have any time alone with P. B is always welcoming and the kids are great fun but because of the distance we only see them two or three times a year now.

OP posts:
nighthawk99 · 09/04/2023 20:43

He's in a (presumably) good relationship with a baby on the way.He's running his own business. 'The boy done good'!

Original poster
SimoneSayz · 09/04/2023 20:48

Daftasyoulike · 09/04/2023 20:37

The thing is OP, he could just as easily have gone to Uni 300 miles away, made friends there, and then got a job, and I think you'd have accepted that as him growing into a man and making his way in the world. However, I think what's really making you unhappy is his relationship with this woman. It's coming across to me that you didn't approve of her getting involved with your son when she was married and so you're now blaming her for the fact your son has moved away and you don't see as much of him as you'd like.

I know it's hard to see your kids do things that you think are wrong when they grow up, and naturally we all want to protect them from coming to any harm, but as is the way of the world, they have to make their own mistakes and then live with the consequences. At the end of the day, if he's not happy being so far away from his own friends and family, then it's up to him to tell his partner that, and for them to make a decision whether to move to somewhere half way between the two families. However, from what you've said about him having no time to himself because he's so busy working in their business, that actually sounds like a very focused young man and father to be, and hopefully will prove to be a good move for his future. I'm afraid it's just time to let go, but you're not unreasonable to feel sad about it.

Thank you for your kindness, I know I need to let him make his own path in life. It’s just hard when he’s so far away and doesn’t seem happy. I suppose it seemed like it would come to a natural end, but now there’s a baby on the way, it’s permanent.

You’re right that maybe I do disapprove of the way the relationship started (it seems there was some overlap) and I would have been happier for him to have his first romantic experiences with someone his age, like romantic weekend holidays together and first dates and all those experiences I see my other sons having now. I just miss him and worry about him so much.

OP posts:
Turnipworkharder · 09/04/2023 20:56

I really hope you don't tell him you miss him and worry about him too much.
That could make
him feel worse in himself.

Sometimes as parents we have to keep our thoughts to ourselves, and I do understand you concern.

Slowandwobbly · 09/04/2023 21:00

If your son missed you that much OP, then he would find time to visit you you no matter how busy he was in his business. Surely he could take a couple of days to go and see you?

Xrays · 09/04/2023 21:01

You never know - either he’s happy and it will be fine. Or he’s not and eventually he might leave her and have a second “go” at being young and dating again. Either way it will all work out. It’s a learning curve. I think it’s important not to assume he’s really unhappy to the point of needing to leave though because he’s stressed and trying to provide for his family - that’s fairly normal for any parent, especially the breadwinner in a family.

Felixss · 09/04/2023 21:01

I think you have to let go a bit not everyone follows the traditional outcome of uni casual partners , marriage and children at 35. I met my DH at 18 a few family members said I should be having flings etc travelling . I'm 30 and still happily married most of the time 🤣 with a DD but I have travelled a lot. I think sometimes parents project onto their kids and tend to think of them as children for a long . I think you are unhappy because she's older and has baggage. The positives, you have must have a raised a lovely son who is happy to settle into family life , many men are eternal Peter Pans.
I think once you are well go and see him and how he is you might feel better about it.

Original poster
SimoneSayz · 09/04/2023 21:02

Turnipworkharder · 09/04/2023 20:56

I really hope you don't tell him you miss him and worry about him too much.
That could make
him feel worse in himself.

Sometimes as parents we have to keep our thoughts to ourselves, and I do understand you concern.

No, we mostly tell him how proud we are of him and how wonderful B and the kids are.

Feeling a bit sad about it this evening because we’ve had DH’s parents, our other sons and their girlfriends over today for an Easter roast (they’re all at the pub together with DH now lol!) and P called for a chat as he was walking the dog and said how much he wished he could have been with us. But I know it’s his choice. It seems like the dynamic is that B wears the trousers and P is so inexperienced… But I know he’ll just have to learn in time and make his own way like we all do.

OP posts:
MinnieEgg · 09/04/2023 21:04

Being at university 300 miles away is in no way comparable to a 23 year old raising four children 300 miles away.

My dd is at university 200 miles away and she's having a whale of a time. She's playing sports, staying up half the night with her flatmates and sleeping half the day. She's going to nightclubs and going to lectures on a subject she really loves.

That is nowhere near a life with three children and a pregnant girlfriend.

I know that's what he has chosen but it's not the life I would want for my adult son and so I think the OP is entitled to grieve for the life she would have liked him to have.

Original poster
SimoneSayz · 09/04/2023 21:07

Felixss · 09/04/2023 21:01

I think you have to let go a bit not everyone follows the traditional outcome of uni casual partners , marriage and children at 35. I met my DH at 18 a few family members said I should be having flings etc travelling . I'm 30 and still happily married most of the time 🤣 with a DD but I have travelled a lot. I think sometimes parents project onto their kids and tend to think of them as children for a long . I think you are unhappy because she's older and has baggage. The positives, you have must have a raised a lovely son who is happy to settle into family life , many men are eternal Peter Pans.
I think once you are well go and see him and how he is you might feel better about it.

DH and I met when I was 18 too! Our sons have a great role model in DH who has always supported and looked after our family, which is why I think P’s slotted into it so well. DH says P was always destined to be a family man, and has just done it early. The kids are 7, 6 and 4 now so they really do see P as a father figure and he’s so patient and kind with them.

OP posts:
Xrays · 09/04/2023 21:08

MinnieEgg · 09/04/2023 21:04

Being at university 300 miles away is in no way comparable to a 23 year old raising four children 300 miles away.

My dd is at university 200 miles away and she's having a whale of a time. She's playing sports, staying up half the night with her flatmates and sleeping half the day. She's going to nightclubs and going to lectures on a subject she really loves.

That is nowhere near a life with three children and a pregnant girlfriend.

I know that's what he has chosen but it's not the life I would want for my adult son and so I think the OP is entitled to grieve for the life she would have liked him to have.

I agree and that’s how I’d feel about my own dd (aged 20) but - people are very different. I turned down a place at (Oxford) university to stay at home and work full time. I then ended up having my dd when I was 22. It wasn’t easy, I had horrific pnd but I didn’t regret having her. I know my mum was really disappointed in me because I didn’t go down the patch she thought I should have - but I did what I wanted to do. I did end up a single mum (my choice) at 23 (I had been with her dad since I was 19 but it didn’t work out, he was older than me) and now I am 42 and happy, remarried with a son of 11. I don’t regret my choice not to go to university as I’ve never been that type of person.

I think all you can do op is be there for him and try not to judge.

Xrays · 09/04/2023 21:08

*path